I've got to find a place in this world. Life has become too dangerous since I peeled away the chemical layer that disguised the brokenness beneath. And now the world has this intensity as the lies become more clear. I can feel the anger of the people in the world. I can thier contempt. All the fairy tales fade away. From time to time it's brutal. 

I wonder how Artstick is doing. I really hope she still has some say in this world. Reality comes crashing down hard. I'm going to need a few rocks to hold onto. The past is never far. If I'm not careful, it will crush me like a bug. 

Cents

I'm like a bad penny. People are like, if we just shine it up, it will be ok. Too valuable to toss. Too ugly to like. Course, pennies lose any more value, and they will get destroyed.

Living in a family is a lot like having a job. The company goes through good times and bad. Every now and then you seek a rebrand, but the reputation still sticks. Everyone has a role and a place. Titles, even. Periodically someone is in danger of losing thier job, but then management realizes the price of terminating the contract. There's plenty of politics and maneuvering. Posturing. Power plays. Sometimes someone doesnt get the memo. 

I need to be careful. My job security is low. I can't afford a reorganization. We're going to have to cut costs. But if I keep overhead low, avoid outlays, who knows, I just might make it. On thin ice with corporate. But who knows... I keep my head down and I cross those t's and dot the i's, I might be alive and safe come new years... so long as reception stops answering the phone and AP prioritizes... maybe this outfit will still be around... 

But if the press people get too creative, corporate might come down hard. Let's all repeat the company line, someone is visiting from upstairs...

We ain't got no cents around here.

When people prefer pretty lies to ugly truth, facts because a matter of mutual agreement.

Reality is what happens when people look away.

Time and space allows for rekindling

When something dies...

Sometimes the end of one dream

Involves an internal dying

A fading into distance...

And yet, sometimes people won't let go of something that is dead.

They clutch it like Halloween candy,

Thinking that if they just hold tightly enough

And pretend

And make believe that nothing happened,

And fill in lies about the past,

That maybe, just maybe

That damn dream will get up and walk...

Like the resurrection.

But then time passes.

Thier tightly clutched hands press so tightly 

That they obliterate whats left.

What's dead stays dead.

And lies, no matter how comforting they may be

Fail to change the past.

Fail to change the present.

Fail, in fact, to kill the very future that may have been instead.

Sometimes hate does not heal.

Sometimes the contempt passed around like party favors simply poisons what good will remains.

It simply is a doubling down

That multiplies the disconnect.

And people rush to drive each other away

And they rejoice in their coldness and disdain,

Self appointed heroes and martyrs.

As if by destroying each other, they destroy their divisions.

Building thier anger with their lies.

And so begins another day.

Welcome to America. So long as the picture is pretty, the substance can vary.

Sometimes life events give me psychological whiplash. People moving in so many directions. Time and space grant more clarity. The noise fades and nothing remains but those memories. Little glimpses of connections between people, actions, and emotions. The sensation of sleepwalking is replaced by an edge so sharp. 

Reality seems like a dance of spectors, people moving and chanting. All the right words at all the right times and so long as we're moving in time, the narrative can be selected like multiple choice. But the moment a dancer falls out of step, the mirage melts away.

iRobert

I'm continuing to focus as in as laserlike a fashion as possible on what I am good at. If I can avoid any car accidents or other surprises, I should be ok. 

I keep looking for chances to increase my efficiency.  I've simplified and standardized my days, trying to make everyday as routine and unchanging as possible. This includes not thinking in terms of weekends and weekdays. Everyday is just another day. Same meals, same routes. Same stores. Same food. Same hours. 

I find it liberating to eliminate chaos. I complete only my planned tasks. I'm still struggling to find enough energy and focus to complete all my tasks. But I am hopeful that if I maintain habits, I will be successful enough to reach my financial goals and pay all my bills, while maintaining my home and my sanity. 

If so, I'll be able to relax a little, focus on new social contacts. While I may have many contacts, there's only two people that I count as close friends. It's not easy to keep up friendships. I need to invest in my friendships. I'm trying to reserve money and energy for that, but I have not been very successful. 

Life can feel like a merry go round that just won't stop. Theres this dazed, disconnected feeling, separate from the alienation, which is separate from the waryness, which is separate from the fatigue.

With all the danger in the world, I'm trying to eliminate as much risk as possible. I'm beginning to feel like the hologram in "iRobot". I want to simply start telling people "My responses are limited, you must ask the right questions". 

    I need to be more careful. My mind is not as strong as it once was. I have not managed my trust well. I have not prioritized correctly. I can't afford more setbacks. The Holiday season is coming, and I'm not sure how I'm going to manage that. I need to maintain focus. I feel like I'm trying to thread the needle with these social situations. I need to manage my expenses better. I've had too many people playing with my mind. 

    I need to adopt a mantra: stick to the basics. Stick to the basics. Stick to the basics. I've got to avoid unnecessary distractions, focus on the absolute necessities: work, writing, health. No extra expenses, projects, no getting off course. I know that temptations and diversions will come. I need to keep steady and focused. I keep feeling pulled in different directions. I never thought life could be so complicated. 

    My work has got to be my everything. It's only part of this world that is really me. The past rises up like a nightmare ready to swallow me. 

    I need to stay focused on my writing and my work. It's all that stands in-between me and oblivion. 

   Opening the door to trust is a risk. I have no defenses. One day I will die. Hopefully the truth becomes clear before they bury me. They paint over my words even as i speak them. The world is a dangerous place when people play games with the mind. Thank Lucifer for Psychiatry.

Missing all the pieces of the puzzle. The picture is there. You have to want to see. Most people choose not to.

I never said it was a pretty picture. Greenville Psychiatropy... rest in pieces... when all the states doctors and medicine men could resurrect bipolar again, there then next do you cast the blame? Reflect it back. Find your shame. 

Names... they say I have names... names are all that's left. Names and misplaced trust.

I hope I'm going to get through this. 

I'm struggling to get through the days. My body feels like lead. I dont have the energy for the holidays. I wish I could move away. Start over. 

I'm having to pause to rest because I could not finish work yesterday. I became so spacey I could not think straight. I was missing turns and headed for an accident. Not running on time. 

Today I started hearing a voice. Hadn't heard it in a while. Unfortunately my mind isn't what it once was. 

I'm told that the medication isn't the answer. That I have to go slow. But I only have so much time. If I cant do my work and my writing what is the point? These people around me who dont trust me and dont understand? 

I'm very frustrated with the hospital. If I do need help, can I even trust them? Or will they blow things up again? Idk. 

I really wish that my life was different. But professional advice is to not expect understanding or major change. 

On the plus side, the workers did a great job fixing the floor. And the neighbors took care of the cat, though I know there was some resentment. Not sure what to do about that. They mostly avoid me. Not winning any popularity contests these days.

I really am uncertain. My functioning has changed so much, and at times ive been threatened... People have just been unhappy in general. I dont know what to do really. The hospital seems ... I honestly have no idea what they think. Hopefully they no longer want to jail me. But it doesnt seem a good time to take risks. If my finances weren't so bad maybe id buy a round of drinks or something. Ive found that a lot of people avoid me and I really don't know what happens next. 

My life is bizarre. I need to maybe... I really just want to work and write, but I feel like i can't if im not able to keep a clear head. I really could have a wreck. 

I feel very uneasy around people. I have two friends I talk to, I really find being around family like being in a foreign country. It's like i recognize the faces and voices, but its like I dont know them. 

I have trouble remembering what I've said. Sometimes I have extreme difficulty understanding people. My processing is so bad that English is almost is almost like a foreign language sometimes.

The doctors seem to want to still label me bipolar, even though I dont think its accurate, but at minimum I find it unhelpful. 

So now my life has somewhat devolved into this wierd state of being in which communication is extremely hit or miss. Life is very much like a razor blade... walking along the edge... you never know way you might go or what might happen. I'm finding it best to be vague and neutral in everything I say and do outside of two friends and two professionals. I do not feel like my energy and endurance can handle conflict. 

Unfortunately if I cant maintain work, matters may be out of my hands. Part of me tries to be ready... If danger finds me. My mind runs through contingincies, up to and including... I do not trust the hospital system... not at all. Maybe that's not fair. It's just that my life has changed so much. I haven't found it easy. I've been surprised a few times, both by my limits and by other people. 

Part of me feels that death is not far. I'm not sure why. Sometimes events happen so fast that it seems like anything is possible. Sometimes I feel my body prepared to run without warning. I truly do need to be very careful what I say. Sometimes I speak impulsively. 

The more time passes the I expect something to happen. Trust is very delicate... fragile like a house of cards. 

I dont have to wonder if people understand, i know they don't. They make it abundantly clear. It's just not always clear why they do what they do... sometimes i dont even know what they do believe, I just know its not the same. 

I need to build something while I still can. While my mind is still clear. But I think the disconnect is beginning to become difficult to sustain. I dont know what other people will do, but even if I do not run into further social problems, I'm not sure if my mind is strong enough to build what I want to build... the stories that I hope people will enjoy so much more then my actual presence. 

My body feels hard but hollow. Brittle. I'm not sure how strong it is. My mind feels stronger, wrapped in some armor, though less then in the past, and with so much happening, im not sure if it can endure and build these things. Further, my patience was never great, and the people around me do not sure my goals. 

It's hard to predict the future. Sometimes it seems that people can see through me. Sometimes they even seem uneasy. I feel like something is in motion... It feels like a constant vigilance... waiting to see what happens. 

I want to be productive while I still can. But which way is the wind blowing... I really should not have waited so long to write. Maybe I was too busy... maybe the words weren't clear... I have to build something while I still can. I hope its not too late. Time is not on my side, and the people around me have worked at cross purposes. 

I need to be more careful. This has not been going well. 

Maybe I should get out of here for a while. 

I'll never forget what the er said. We gotta ship this guy outta state. It's not a bad idea. I just dont know why I'm here.  A fresh start would be beautiful. 

A little bit of change. Not too much. Meet new people. 

I'm very worried about the future. My symptoms surge unpredictably.  I need to be extremely careful. I cant afford any emergencies. I feel on edge so often that I am exhausted.

I'm beginning to think I should get out of town. I need a breath of fresh air. Maybe go up to north Carolina, or even Virginia and Pennsylvania. I could visit some civil war sites. I really don't know why I'm here.

It's becoming difficult to maintain work. I'm more spacey. I'm in this balancing act with no clear answers. I have to maintain focus. I dont know if i can trust the Healthcare system. Sometimes I feel like I'm walking on a razor blade. As the edge cuts into my shoes I have no choice but to push forward, because oblivion lies on either side. 

Headaches, fatigue, even voices... that feeling of unreality, like I'm walking between worlds... an intense wary feeling knowing that communication can be hit or miss. 

Focusing on sensations to try to hear what my body and mind are telling me. Dreading every social encounter, unsure of what to expect and waiting for it to pass while filling in words without meaning like filling in a form at an appointment.

Is this the miracle of clozaril? Is this what it does? Sometimes I almost miss the drugged, chemically calm feeling... drifting through life like a log in the ocean, sedated and unaware.

I worry about the future. I'm running out of time. People around me passing judgment and writing my story without consulting me... deciding who I am, what i think and feel, why I do what I do, and what my future holds... will I be able to interject? Will anyone hear me or see me? Or have they moved on from the story of my life, having decided all the details for themselves? I'm not sure i want to know, I'm not sure if anyone truly sees me. I only hope that i get to have some say before I die.

    There's so very much going on in the world today. With so much going on and so many differences between all the people in the world, it's not hard to misinterpret or misjudge other people or to inadvertently upset someone. 

    Sometimes when a person focuses on their own life, it seems oblivious or uncaring or self absorbed. I find focusing on the things that I can control is the only thing I really can do. Focusing on my own life, doing my life as best as I can, is really the only thing I can do. Focusing on me helps to avoid unnecessary confrontation or getting in other people's way. If I am doing my own productivity and health as best as I can, then I'm making the world a better place. 

    I find people rather puzzling sometimes. Sometimes it takes me a while to figure them out, sometimes I never figure them out. I know myself better then I know other people, I know what to do in my life better then I know what to do with other people, unless they explicitly tell me exactly what they want. 

    In my life, I try to stay out of people's way. Sometimes this keeps everyone safer and more productive. Sometimes perhaps I come across as aloof, but I'd rather not get involved unless I know exactly what's going on and how I can make a situation better. 

    I've been spending most of my time alone. Having been confronted with the possibility of being homeless has changed my perspective. I'm trying to avoid risk. I am centering my life around my productivity and my health. I'm no good to anyone if I'm dead or unable to be productive. 

    Every day, everything I do is working towards building or maintaining those two things: health and productivity. I'm keeping my life as simple as possible, eliminating anything unnecessary as much as possible. I cannot rely on other people to ensure my safety. The only person that can keep me safe, productive, and healthy is me. 

    I hope to have more creative writing ready soon, but work and health have been a distraction. I worry everyday so much that I barely am able to focus enough to work. It takes all my energy to drive safely and be on time. I'm very aware that people find me odd, amusing, or irritating very often. That is why I stay out of their way. They do not understand what is going on with me. I do not enjoy confrontation. The best thing I can do is do what I do as efficiently as possible. 

    I don't know how to change the way people see me or how I feel. I do know the world is dangerous, and people can be confusing or worse. I can't afford any more setbacks nor do I desire to make people miserable. In a perfect world, there would be harmony, in the real world, there's distance. 

    It's taken me some time to look back at the past and piece together more of what happened. As the pieces come together I feel like I am seeing more of the truth. Yet I walk in a world of strangers who I cannot understand or seem to relate to. Millions and millions of people... 

    Some days ago a man stopped me on the street. He wanted directions to the supermarket. I was in the middle of a delivery and wasn't sure which way the supermarket was. Before I could think any further, I turned him away. The old me would have pulled out my phone and looked it up and helped him. The new me is so distracted, wary, and hyper focused on avoiding danger that I barely paused. 

    It seems somewhat absurd to be so guarded. I don't actually enjoy it. But I am so very tired. I have to be careful with my energy. There is nothing between me and oblivion but my own alertness and acuity. People are exhausting if you give them a chance, they will tear you down and rip you apart and not think twice. That is our society now. And that is why I cannot even stop to give directions. 

    Why people have to tear others down and be so vile I do not know. My energy is limited. I cannot afford any more risks. There is one person I can rely on without question. One person I can trust to do what is right, to understand, to help, to clear the confusion. One person that will truly defend me no matter what. One person I can trust. 

    Others, with their threats, their insults, their arrogance and their hatred, I have no time and no energy for those people. Energy is precious. I don't know why this is the way it is, but I know that my time on this earth is limited, and I want to build something before I am gone. So I must focus, and not waste time or energy on trying to please people who will never be pleased. 

    I do watch and wait to see if someone comes who is not like these others. I do think of the past when I had people around me that saw me differently. Before that doctor threatened me and quit. 3 years. I know no one cares or understands. They have made it more then obvious. I cannot waste time and energy on people like that. I must stay with the one person who is different. I don't know how to feel different, when the best others can do is make threats and condescend, I don't know what, exactly, changes. My time on earth is limited. I need to get some work done. 

    When hospitals prefer to invent new problems instead of solving the ones they have, THAT is the insurance fraud. That is the stupidity of the world. People just keep doubling down every time. Every time. Makes no sense. 

In this day and age, with all the danger in the world, restraint is truly underrated. I hope to keep my peace and my focus. 

    My tennis coach had a saying. It was "Hope is not a strategy". I think my saying would be "Chaos is not a solution."

     The Hospital had that poem about walking down a different street. The new street I'm walking down has this new job and taking those mental vacations from my problems every day. I don't spend time with the same people as much. I focus more on the work and the writing, a little less on people. There's so many things I don't understand, but I need to put that away, realizing that I don't have to understand the entire world. I have to focus on me, maintaining me. I can't expect others to do it. It's not realistic to spend so much of my time and energy on the world around me... I need to stay focused on maintaining myself. I can't control what others believe or what they do. I can only control what I believe and do. I must focus on what I am good at and maintaining myself. Let the world do what it will, as it always does. 

    Today I have my usual deliveries. I'm trying to keep every day the same. The same food, the same recharge activities, the same work hours, the same few social contacts, same meds, same everything. I need laser sharp focus, because my mind is still not very sharp. Improving timeliness, route efficiency, execution, working on writing, and refreshing my spirit. I need to keep increasing my calm. 

Words

Greedily, you demanded so many

Not just the number, but the type

Now, be satisfied with what you stole.

Do not ask for more

You will have none.

Keep my silence

Allow me that peace. 

So remorseless

I renounce your narratives

And declare us strangers once more.

Sometimes, I wish I had the energy, money, time, or talent to care or to change the world around me. I see or hear things in the news, social media, or conversation. I know that I am mortal, and I do not have those excess resources. If I do not keep myself focused on the most essential tasks, no one can do it for me, they might even deliberately sabotage me. They might help, but they can't do it for me. I need all my focus and energy on point at all times. That is what allows me to be productive, calm, and safe. 

But if I keep focused, I might be able to do more. I can't rush that. My impatience is one of my greatest weaknesses. Slow and steady, with everything, even if I have to fight my family, even if I have to fight the hospital, even if I have to fight every last man and woman in Greenville. There is only one way. Slow and steady, focused. That is how I will reach my goals. God willing, no one will stand in my way. I am mortal. And damn stubborn when I need to be.

I need to improve my timeliness and accuracy in my work just a smidge. Track down my MIA tax return. Somehow there's always more then enough bills. How is it that food alone costs as much as it does? Today I have two small shifts of deliveries, then I’ve got to get more food and try to fill out these outlines more. All this supposed brainpower and medication and education isn't going to get me anywhere if I don't keep my progress bars moving. Right now that's measured by word counts, complete deliveries, on times, revenue dollars, expense dollars, and to do list items. 

Life is more peaceful when all the parts are moving together. Any one part stops moving or decides to move the wrong direction, then theres trouble. I'm just one part of Greenville county. Hopefully all the other parts are watching where they are going, too. 

    It's a tremendous relief to have a more realistic and clear direction for Accountec and for myself, even if it has very little to do with accounting or technology. It will require continued vigilance and focus. When my mind is clearer I do everything better. Sometimes I feel slightly self absorbed focusing so rigidly, but immediately I remember the difference between now and March, and I know I'm on the right path. Continued focus will allow me to improve timeliness and accuracy at work, to complete more writing, to feel more calm, and to improve my finances. There's little to no room for error, because I can't risk homelessness or more hospitalizations or unemployment or more dysregulation and chaos. I'm too tired, too unpopular, too poor. There's simply not enough wiggle room. 

    While I'm not delivering, I'm mostly reading. I'm finding that I don't actually like Gone with the Wind very much thus far. I prefer Cold Mountain. I think a lot about the characters and plot elements I'm working on for my book. It's been nice to have some breathing room, but there's still much to do. The ads keep giving me errors, I have some property I need to divest, bills to pay, and so many unfinished writing projects. 

Writing feels exciting to me. I figured out the climax for the civil war story. It's fun when the characters feel alive. The climax is shortly after the burning of Chambersville when a group of confederates argue over a woman and a black man they capture in MD. War exhaustion has fully set in and discipline has collapsed as the war effort crumbles and suddenly its every man for himself in enemy territory when the situation turns deadly between two west virginians, some virginians, and the south carolinians. 

    I'm well aware that people have a hard time believing anything I say, particularly what I'm about to say, but the fact is that I have had a hard time and I need to focus on something productive, something worthwhile. Given my skills and deficiencies, writing this story about Greenville seems like one of the better options. 

    I'm reading Gone with the Wind and Cold Mountain concurrently and then I hope to read The Black Flower. Life is too short to waste time on arguing with people about what I need or to work at cross purposes or to idle everything away. I need something REAL, like this delivery work and the writing. So long as I'm minding the law and paying my bills, there's really no one that can stop me from doing just that. 

    I need people to stay out of my way. I'm rather exhausted of knowitalls, busybodies, bullies and other energy vampires. It's not that I enjoy being blunt. But as I explained to the doctors, and they seem to understand this, it's time to stop wasting time and resources and for me to do what I need to do. I'm not making a lot of money but at least I'm doing something productive. The customers seem mostly pleased, and the more I do it the smoother it should go. 

    So that's my plan. I'm going to mind my own business. I wish everyone well in my absence. Before long it will be the holidays. I plan to keep a low profile, maintain focus. I've had enough excitement. Once I've really made some headway on my work and writing and seen a period of calm, then I can worry about being social. For the time being I don't have the energy to spare. 

    My thoughts revolve around the work and my writing. I feel I have wasted so much energy and time in unproductive pursuits and have become so conscious of my mortality that I am obsessed with what I produce and impatient with the process. I debate over key creative decisions and brainstorm on characters and plot almost incessantly when I'm not working, but it's a relief to be focused on work and writing rather then health and hospitals. 

    I think a lot about how to deal with key aspects of this Civil War story, especially slavery and societal attitudes of the time. I want to be realistic but not boring. I think I'll need to read Uncle Tom's Cabin. If I'm going to finish this project, I'm going to need to exercise my patience. Learning enough detail of the events, the culture, the dialects, the people and generating the story will all take time. 

The fact is I write for the joy of creation. Any additional benefit is a side effect... a welcome side effect, but a side effect. I am well aware that I have displeased some people, which is one of the reasons I must focus on my strengths to the exclusion of distractions. I do not have the energy nor desire to engage in failure, and I fear I have wasted too much time already... health, work, writing... that must be my trinity. It's like I explained to the doctors... Its in everyone's best interest that I am home, healthy, and productive. The best person to ensure that is myself, so I must give it my full focus. If I work hard, I might finish my writing. That is my greatest desire.

    Working later in the day is taking some adjustment. I've been more of a day worker. Good news is that my ads finally got approved. Bad news is I'm having trouble configuring them. I think I'm going to have to shift my sleep schedule to stay up later. I've been thinking a lot about ideas for my civil war story. It takes some time to brainstorm, organize the ideas, relate them to the 1860s, and then compare them to specific historical events and people. I can tell that the way that I want to do this, it's a big project. I haven't even worked out all the main characters. As I have done more research and considered my options, I've realized I'm going to want to take some significant creative liberties.

    Today I drove mostly in the lower end of the county. I visited Gray Court. I saw different parts of the old Greenville Laurens Railroad. 

A New Leaf

    You know, I really wasn't expecting to say this, but my affairs may have taken a turn. I wasn't really expecting much understanding after March, in fact my advice was universally to not expect understanding, though different people gave different reasons for that. I have to admit, somewhere between my heart doing jumping jacks, being threatened with jail, nearly becoming homeless, contacting the fbi, and becoming a hermit, I became concerned for my safety and wellbeing, perhaps excessively so. Maybe I'm not the only one that got tired of the chaos and failures to communicate, because there seems to have been a change in tone. The hospital and I have had a few heart to hearts via mychart. At times I was a bit blunt. I needed to be sure I was being clear this time. The ER psych had a diplomatic way of describing my communications, "emotionally charged". 

    I remember the PA's reaction to my March hospitalization. After the appointment ended he looked at the staff and I believe he smiled and shrugged as if befuddled. I recall a staff member asking "Do we have to keep him?" like I was a lost puppy they found. Since then he's been listening closely. We definitely needed some listening going on. I'm not saying that the Attending Psych and Resident at MIP March were bad doctors. I'm saying that there's no way they could have known what to do because the entire hospitalization was tainted by misinformation, lies, rumors, and BS from the very beginning and the attending and I barely exchanged 3 words. We've added a lot of clarity since then. It's actually rather beautiful what open and honest conversation can do. I decided that I would give them more information then they needed, just to try to eliminate any possibility of confusion or conjecture.

    You know, it's September, and soon the leaves will fall. I'm working, and I have all the necessary meds. Are we finally finding a way to not work at cross purposes? Time will tell.