Thank yous

I would like to thank the interns of mindful upstate for working with me, Tiara and Kyle. I'd like to thank Dr. Rodgers and Monika for consulting. Katie for tolerating me. Matt for saying Hi. Also my PA. My internist. And the local community.

Elle + Leaves

My friends,

You got me to here. I want you to know that you are safe. There is no danger. I made it this far. Do not worry. Molly has me with Coffee Pudding now. They are going to help me. I need to resolve this issue with the old guard. Please be patient. And do not worry. I believe Malacheck's death is suspicious. I'm very concerned about the medical decisions that were made. Some of the medications prescribed. I want our home to be safe. For everyone. It will be ok. I hope I can trust my community to let me understand what happened. Why Malacheck is dead. What these medications did to my mind. Are they safe to be used this way. I was a minor. Decisions were made without independence. I want to understand. I want everyone to be safe. I need you to trust me. You know me. You know I don't want you harmed. That is not who I am.

Ashes and dust

Break in

There may be a few more reasons the hospital gets frustrated. 

I had been there so much. I knew every square inch. That's not good. 

Then. The strange behavior...

The child eats, sits, sleeps.

The communicator talks too much. Tries to make friends. It was her idea. Blame #2. It wasn't me. 

The gatekeeper is cryptic. Sorry, guys, this person is closed. Move Along Please. 

The helper tries to help everyone Well, you know at crisis line we did this and that or have you heard of this resource here? Well, maybe quetiapine isn't right for you?

The solver is thinking... You know, maybe they'll give me another Bipolar again. Man, Another diploma. F'hD. I passed Cyclothymic. I reached both I and II. Or maybe a GAD again? That worries me. 

The continuing is on vacation on the outside. Sorry guys. Need some sun. Got some cooking to do. Love to Chat, On the flip side.

The Protector is acting like security. Uh, Hey fellas we shouldn't be saying that to so and so. Not Cool.

The Unitary is on vacation on the outside (whistling)

They have predictable patterns. I do too. They want me to learn to "advocate". Help myself. Because these functions happen in different pockets of memory in the brain. I've had so much mental manipulation and medication that my memory is divided. When I am in the world, every moment is happening to 8 different pockets. So... Let's say I process about 1/8 or 12.5% as fast as other people. From a ten day of hospital time being charted at 4.5 PPH I can remember the same 12.5% of what happened at any given time. Well, if only two of me were there then technically 6 of me can remember 16.67% of what happened separately and have to confer with both the two playing hooky until the 8 of me agree on what happened.

So, the 8 of me have to chat for a while, figure out what we can do better, consult with the PA and the Counselor, who probably got the same 600 pages of reading material. Then hopefully the Cooperation for the Improvement of Me can develop another battle plan. In case #2 talks our way in again. She's persuasive it seems. Anyways, we need some time to think. Why did I let her talk them into this? Number 7, I'm disappointed in you. I trusted you with her. You let her talk her way into MIP again? REALLY? Dude. Not cool. Man, we need to see other people. C'mon. Dude, you could have... I dunno... The labs did come back abnormal at the ER... But the aceto level was low, CO2 low... Maybe those baby aspirin the internist stopped. White blood cells were off. Something was going on. So now we got tylenol instead. careful with anti-inflammatory drugs. So, I guess we need more neural connections between the pockets of memory. 

So I gotta talk to myself more, until I can remember what I did more clearly. Cuz it's kinda embarrassing. I'm a little worried I may have done something we would regret. You know, like contact someone we cared about. Or say something strange. Or, you know, Say we were thinking of harming someone out of fear. Or, you know, something we did one of the other dozen or so times we were there. It's not clear why we don't talk more. But I hope it gets clearer soon. Because I'm frustrated. I'd like to be more active. I'm trying to be patient. Some activities are a little blocked. 

I go by 8 names. They have natural forms and names and numbers. Like computer Avatars. There was a 9th. The total number is not certain. So the response can vary based on who I am. I worry about the future. I worry because I'm not sure many there are. But there seems to be at least 8 now. So I need to focus on transferring memory and internal communication and getting myself to flow together. 

The Reason Why

So I was thinking. As usual. And I figured out the reason why the hospital staff alternated from confused to amused to frustrated.

I generated 600 pages from one ten day hospitalization. Let me unpack...

600 pages / 10 days = 60 pages of charting/day

60/ 24 = 4.5 PPH (pages pages per hour)

No wonder they were annoyed. 

But i got souvenirs. They were so kind as to mail my counselor a 600 page book of charting to review. She's still working on it. I wonder what I was like? She says it's mostly consistent with what she was told. She and my coffee must be good friends. Coffee is kinda hot. Of course I tell them everything, so they must be meant to be together. I hope they keep in touch.