Running

 One foot in front of the other

We all sprint for the finish line.

Key in the ignition

The pistons fall into motion

Neuron charge to neuron charge

My head goes round in circles

I wanna run the distance

It’s oh so long a trail

Paranoid I turn my head

And there you are a following

I wanna be beautiful too

Just like you

The engine runs

But it’s falling apart

Frightened, I turn to you

Running my fingers down your face

Tracing something that can’t be traced

Following an invisible course

Into your consciousness

I find my place

Down here in front of you

Reaching up through space

To try to reach into your consciousness

I cannot break your consciousness

So close and yet so far

Carefully, slowly, my finger withdraws

Fill this pause up

With words that remain unsaid

All the world up in your eyes

Break me, hate me, just hear my words!

I know your future holds great things

And I’d never wish to destroy what it brings

I won’t blame you if you run…

I will still find my way when this is done.

All I desire is shelter from the storm,

And I find that here with you.

I will still be running after you’re gone

I will still be running once you’ve flown

The pistons are turning

My light is still burning

Spread your wings my friend

Spread your wings

It’s time to fly

This is how our friendship ends

In the simple word goodbye.

©️ 2025, Accountec, LLC

Inspiration

Inspiration is a demon

And it watches me.

I’d rather not hear the clock.

When fingers move of their own accord

I fear the consequences.

Check, check, recheck.

I’d like to have fewer opinions

Yours or mine,

It makes no difference.

When fingers are like machine guns…

Then you have a problem.

Why they move, I do not know.

Yet they insist on doing so.

©️ 2025, Accountec, LLC

3.28.2025

This iz yor FABORITE arachnid here, Spidey! A warm shout out to di Angels ob di Nort Wing ob di castle. Serbin di fiercest since 1969! 

The Kill Switch

  The following should not be read by persons under the age of 18.

Again, this is not an advice or gossip column. But I will say this: you know someone with a dissociative disorder, you don't mess with it. It's not a good idea. Playing with fire. If you have to, you keep them grounded, you don't try to save them. There is no saving someone in dissociation. You can tell from the eyes. The faraway look. Sometimes it is simply a chemical or drug reaction. For me it's not that simple.

I've seen it with other people. A man with PTSD. War vet. Faraway. The Theranos founder. Never met her. No doubt in my mind that she was dissociating. You don't do that much, go that far, have such a dark past, fool that many people, or crash that violently without disconnecting and reconnecting to reality. If she doesn't have a dissociative disorder, then I'm Donald Trump.

That said, I think I have it all mapped out. Now I'm going with numbers, to protect my privacy. Anyways, there's 8. I have the origins and the activities, and the time periods and circumstances of activation more clearly mapped out. I wanted fewer because the more you have, the harder it is to learn and to control. They have similarities and differences. They were created and activated at different times. Certain people and places bring different ones out. Certain memories bring different ones out. 

With classic PTSD, it's a specific set of memories and triggers. With complex PTSD or DID, it really does get complicated. Multiple sets of memories, skillsets, triggers.

When one or more of these sets gets too activated, it can look like Bipolar. It's more like a system overload or dissociation. The drugs suppress the dissociation. They don't make the past go away. That's why they are called anti-psychotics. Psychosis is a permanent break caused by chemical imbalances that generally require medication to suppress, and they respond to that medication. I don't hear messages in the world. I don't see external patterns. They are internal messages and patterns, and they stay internal until you work them out and even then, the memories are still there but they don't trigger dissociation. The antipsychotics simply disable me for a time, with dissociation still running in the background.

Generally, when that happens, I feel unsafe. Then I have the kill switch. That starts with telling someone. A professional. Gotta shut it down. Like a computer. I try to keep it simple. System overload. Shut it down. Maintenance time. Take me offline.