Neck and Neck!

Pressure

 I guess the problem with asking permission is that there is a pressure to say yes even when someone doesn't want to. I've been on both ends of that.

Sweet Home

 

Summertime Sadness

Not feeling like self

Angry's not feeling like himself. He's been struck by a strange feeling of increased calm. Hallucinating less. Angry is feeling less angry. He's misplaced his rage. He's hoping not to find it.

 

Taxes

Almost ready to mail taxes. I overpaid. Rather ridiculously. I have 3 pieces of furniture to assemble. Some picking up to do. Father's day is coming up. Thank God. Am I right?

Angry

I can see why people are angry. Angry because I've changed. Angry because they were wrong about me. Angry because they worked hard, and it didn't work out. Trauma is like that. It's difficult. But there's no sense in jumping to conclusions. Just because you fear me does not mean that I am worthy of fear. Or anger. I'm still me. Just differently. Getting older makes me realize that my energy is limited. But it seems like my perception is also limited. I used to feel like I knew the world and myself, but I had a small world. I was in a rut. Now I strive to get traction again. I'm doing what's right for me. In time, wounds can heal. Anyways. If Elle or Leaves ever need anything, they better let me know. Not that I have much to give, but sometimes I have to make exceptions for good people. I owe a few debts. I think we could all use some peace. 

Home

Ok, so writing about my home is going slowly. However, I found a few old files. I'm trying to reconstruct some old stories. Today I've got housework and goodwill. Maybe take a look at selling a few things on marketplace. Work on those taxes. 

OK

Anger is a natural human emotion. It helps us learn about trust. It tells us when our boundaries have been violated. It helps us learn about the world. It helps other people learn about us. What's ok. What's not OK. Some things are not OK. But at a certain point its time to stop being angry. While learning from what caused the anger. That's why I want people to learn about woodruff road. So the world can have less anger. But denying anger makes it worse. I don't remember any apologies from the wrongdoers. That's what bothers me. But I cant let what happened control me. No matter how wrong it was nor how many red flags were missed. Because the world isn't responsible for my anger. Projecting my anger against people who did no wrong or continuing to be angry at unrepentant people makes no sense. I can't force people to recognize thier errors. I can't force people to repent. I am not justice. I'm a person. Maybe I'm picking up the wrong lessons. I need to return to serenity and forgiveness. My body can only take so much. I hope I can count on people to calm waters. I'm tired of being lied to. It needs to stop. 

Cocky

    Some people are cocky. They like to tear other people down. I met a few in the hospital. It was sad. See, in life, we are meant to pay attention to what we are trying to do, not to tearing other people down. Some people miss that one. They can't resist. It's like their crack cocaine, tearing other people down. Me, I try to reserve it for people that need to be deflated a little. People that are presuming. And I try to use it sparingly, because I'm more used to the opposite. At Crisisline, my first priority was following protocol. But I was there to help people. To listen. And if they kept me around for 3.5 years, I must have been good at it. I'm just having trouble enjoying things. No need to get smart or threaten. I don't have as much energy as I used to. I have to save it for taking care of myself. Maybe I got a little off track on the advocating. Such a strange word. I went in a few different directions. I don't understand what's going on. Some days, it's like walking through traffic blindfolded. Some people are pushing me forward. Others are frantic that I'm going the wrong way. It's gotten to the point that I don't like being around people anymore. And that's sad. I've been getting mixed messaging from people. And a lot of pushing. And I don't get it. Not sure which direction this is going. But I'm very tired. The fewer suggestions, the better. Less opportunities for making mistakes that way. Sometimes I just like listening to the tone of voice, and not the content. Especially with young men. Men can be the very worst know it alls. There was one prick in the hospital. I wanted to work him up. A young punk. Extremely obnoxious. I've met a few like that. It's not very impressive.

What they want to hear

Sometimes I'm careful about what they want to hear. Telling people what they want to hear is the inverse of believing everything you hear. Sometimes white lies are required. When people won't back off. Then later, you have to let them figure the rest out for themselves. When people are giving you orders that you cannot carry out. Anyways. Tired of conflict. Starting to remind myself of "Insomnia".

My People

I feel like I'm trying to find my people. Some people have betrayed my trust and I have to keep them at arms length. Because it goes back to, fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice... it's over. Trying to determine how far an arms length is. Now, when its business, thats one thing. Lately it seems more personal. Now, if I was writing about my home from somewhere else... be a hell of a lot easier. I may have misplaced some passions. In latin, passion is emotions, feelings, or suffering. Com means with. So compassion means to share feelings or suffering. Em means in I think. Pathy means problem or infliction. Empathy... to be in someone's problem. Think too much? No, never. But empathy takes strength. A lot of it. It's tiring. That's why gratitude is important. I have to remember the good eggs. Even when they can't be there. So I'm spreading my trust. That seems to be the goal. Trust the community. Maybe without antagonizing. Maybe without scaring the kids. Because people can be good individually. Just not when they get too close. Sometimes. But the past doesnt have to repeat. But I don't like being threatened or lied to. Maybe a good six quiet months. 🤫 I'll just consider myself in adult time out.

If I can find the place between "protecting" people and "throwing people under the bus" I'll let y'all know.

Personality Changes

I think getting older requires personality changes. And I'm not a great auditory communicator. But I don't want to inspire negativity. Some people are very private. And I've been there. Others are more open. Which is risky. Being open can be dangerous. But holding it in is dangerous too. The Psychiatrists wanted a study. But the hospitals don't seem good at that. Between that and the state and Federal money that helped pay for some of my care, I thought a more public study might be better. Not like a case study. Just people getting to know the real me. The Declozariled me. It's been traumatic. So it's hard to share me without sharing the trauma. But not sharing trauma is a good idea. So I need to avoid talking medical. Or too much Psychology. Clozaril does numb people out like crazy. It's SO STRONG. Systemic changes to the brain, re-regulating everything. Overrides human nature. Overrides conscience. 

Some of my accounts follow the wrong things. I'm cleaning out. 

I need to file taxes, see dentist, eye doctor, ent. Doctors. Oy. 

Maybe this is all about a hardening. A desensitization. Being numb like at the right times and places. So I can say the right things atthe right times. Do the right things at the right times.

It gets dark. My life has been fairly dark.

Social Media

I like Instagram. FB is useful. LinkedIn was... frustrating but I may try again. Tiktok is bizarre. Tiktok scares me in multiple ways. snapchat is the absolute worst save dating sites. I have not used YouTube for much more then how to type stuff. 

I like Instagram because I find more real world, cleaner stuff (with exceptions). It helps me keep up with whats really happening. For me, tiktok is like crypto or nuclear power or AI... use with extreme caution. 

Frustrated

I think people are just frustrated with their own lives and secondarily with whatever is going on with me (definitely depends on who you ask). But so long as no one gives me cause to worry, I have no worry about my future. As far as legal action, I can only further reiterate that my personal affairs are not up for debate. That includes medical and legal. Acceptable topics of conversation include: the weather, some sports, pop culture, history, food, culture, whatever is not my personal business. You can definitely expect me to meet you where you are. If you fight me, I will fight back. I guess my greatest hope is that people quit playing games with my well-being. I'm not actually a science experiment. And surely, of all the medical problems, at least one is real. It just means I function differently. I gotta understand how this kind of false perfect gets going this way. They have this idea of who I am but I swear it's not me. How is it that I'm still getting stuck? Are they going to stop checking on me? 

Names

See, I've been called many names. Some of the more offensive names were atheist, liar, shemale, psychotic, cracker, thing, it, cookie... somehow gay, straight, crazy seemed easier. You know, my head hurts every single day. My right foot hurts. The arch is having issues. That vagus nerve pain that radiates in the face and down the limbs. I'm wondering what effect the gabapentin had. I was on as much as... I think 1800. I'd have to check the records. I don't remember the dosing for that one. I'm sure the records are being preserved. We need to understand the effects of these combinations. Long term. And I need to stay away from doctors. So if you have an MD, I wouldn't plan to see me for years. Unless you're on my team. I need to avoid persons who know medical stuff and will undoubtedly have drastically different views of healthcare. 

Forgiveness

So back to forgiveness, I think if everyone just cuts each other a break, minds their business, it's quite possible. That does mean respecting privacy, not stealing, not threatening. Not lying to people's faces. Maybe less gossip. Less intimidation and God complex stuff.

European Jokes

 I found some jokes about Europe.

What's the difference between Swedes and Finns? The Swedes have nice neighbors.

Recollection of an Old Joke

In Hell...

The British would be the cooks.

The Italians would be the police

The Germans would be the social workers

The Russians would be in marketing

The Spanish would be the military.

The French would be customer service

The Greeks would be housed with the Turks

Why wasn't Jesus born in Belgium?

God couldn't find 3 wise men in Belgium.

Future

I don't know where the future goes. I just know it can't be like the past. I have to think about the good eggs. I'm trying to think of the good people. The people in the middle. I have a lot of thinking to do. Things to do, people to sue. Potentially. That's why I need to think. Not something you do lightly. I have to think about what's best and what's necessary. Keep people safe. From God complexes with rx pads. Anyways, just by staying alive, I warn people about liberal medicine. So I'm going to be quiet for a while. Just post, medical, mind my own business... catch up with friends, take a vacation from perfectly irredeemable. I'm trying for the middle. Just ok.