Everything is quiet since I'm not around

And I live in the numbness now

Sinking right down.
I do the things I did before
I write stories more and more
And then they say where's that crazy guy
You don't get work a lot and joke no more
I don't see me anymore
Since 2020 came

The plans I make don't have me in them
'Cause dreams come swimming into view
And I'm hanging around the ward like I always used to do
The words they use so lightly
Are oh so far from view
I only know because I, carry me around in the background
I'm in the background

Words they come and memories all repeat
Pain inside like nothing I'd care to meet
And I would never lie to you,
No, I would never lie to you,
I never thought I'd feel so very through
But it feels true...

The plans I make still have you in them
'Cause dreams come swimming into view
And I'm hanging in the ward like I always used to do
The words they use so lightly seem so far it's true
I only know because I, carry me around in the background
I'm in the background

I only know but I am, way,
I'm way in the background.

 I'm worried about whats going to happen to me. I'm not doing well.

Dear Leaves,

I hope that Im doing this right. Ive had headaches and nausea, anxiety, trouble sleeping, lack of energy, lack of focus, lack of medication, lots of frustration... this has been exhausting. Trust is so hard sometimes. So very hard. My perception is changing. I hope I'll like myself when the dust settles. Sometimes I worry that I might say or do something I will regret. I feel very very afraid to talk to people. It seems like i never know what to say. Sometimes conversations just stop and I never figure out what went wrong. I cant stay this way forever. This earthly purgatory is running me into the ground. Sometimes death seems inevitable. It seems just weeks or days away. I feel confused much more often then clear, but thats nothing new. I need to find a better way.

Ashes

I am the life, saith the Lord, and he whosoever liveth and believeth in me shall never die.

Dear God,

How's Peter doing? Think he will recognize me? Have I done enough good? Am I reaching anyone? Being kind is challenging sometimes. I've gotten lost again. It's become a habit. There's so many people I miss. Some are long gone. Others are far. Still others are on some sortof vacation, whether temporary or permanent. 

I need some guidance here. Don't let me walk blindly. I'm afraid of what I might hit. 

Ashes