The Halls of McClean

I spent roughly a year there, in two stints. Basically, two long halls with a kitchionette type area, individual rooms, a heavily armored screened in porch. An elevator with keys going up to staff floors.

And I walked the halls of McClean. Through the shadows and enduring the storms...

Then they snicker. Oh the poor shit. He makes up his demons and they lock him away. Oh poor us, we have to tolerate the little shit and his demons. WERE YOU OVER A YEAR BEHIND LOCKED DOORS!?!? DID YOU NOT SEE THE LIGHT OF DAY!?!? WHAT OF LAW CONVICTED ME BEFORE YOU LOCKED ME UP AND THREW AWAY THE KEY?????? WHAT CRIME DID I COMMIT????????????

And there was Clozaril... the ashes and the dust rose into shape... were moved to a halfway house... Ran to CVS... took a cocktail... back to the house... there was EMS, waiting. My absence had been reported. 

I'm the addict? YOU PUT ME ON MEDICATION, THEN YOU BLAME ME FOR BEING ON DRUGS? I'M SOCIETY'S PROBLEM????? AM I THE ONE WHO LOCKED ME AWAY?????????? YOU TOOK ME THERE ON A PLANE. DROPPED ME OFF LIKE A SUITCASE. NO LIGHT, NO TV, NO FRIENDS, NO NOTHIN. BLAME THE DID. IT'S DAMNED CONVIENENT. KICK IT AROUND. LAUGH IT UP.

By the time I reached Beth Israel Deaconess, I was in an altered state of consciousness...

Coma #2. Why did I wake up again? I'm back! Running around!

Woke up. Back to McClean. More Clozaril. Ashes and Dust is back. We're piled into a car, piled onto a cot or makeshift bed outside the nurses' station at Lost and Rigged, which tried to refuse me. Another year... A PhD and the drugs working their magic... Ashes and Dust reshaped. The Guardian Arose. No Diamonds just yet... The child came home... the origin remained.

You spend enough time in places like McClean... You get like this...

There are plenty of shadows in those hallways... There are echoes in those hallways... there's very little light, and it's artificial. There's social workers barricaded in offices on the upper floor... The MDs walk around like Gods... The attendants move you around... You want nightmares? Go to McClean. You'll find them. Metal doors with the small windows. Turn the key and you'll locked in all night.

Don't bother to scream. Won't make a difference.

They put him on TV, that God. He had a name. German. One or twice, he would take that key, turn it in the elevator door. turn a key for a particular floor, one of the staffing levels. I think there were only two floors above ground. It was the Mood Disorders and Psychotic Unit. YOU KNOW, THE NAZIs WERE GERMAN TOO. THEY HAD THESE PLACES. THEY CALLED THEM CAMPS. Only this German didn't carry a gun. He carried Harvard's drug trials. Clozaril was taken off the market, put back on. They said, people are dropping like flies in the Boston Area. Let's medicate. We'll call it Clozana. It's the legalized THC. DRUG THEM UP. SIDE EFFECTS MAY INCLUDE... so many things you'll eventually be dead anyways. How do you think my medical chart has the long list of physical ailments? This shit ain't kosher. It kills you. Why do I have the scars on my arms? IV. ECT. Clozaril blood tests. It can kill your immune system, and if it doesn't, you'll be dead from the other side effects eventually. Give it time. Diabetes, fatty liver, cholesterol, Immune system changes... This shit kills you. One day at a time. Only we get to make it in a factory. Too bad the patent expired...

SPREAD THE BLAME AROUND. YOU WEREN'T LOCKED UP. OVER A YEAR. THEN THE ECT TO MAKE YOU FORGET BEING A VEGETABLE IN A METAL GARDEN.

I went back there once. It made no sense. When I was at Riggs. I went back. Walked right up to that armored porch. Stood around. Walked away. 

I'm supposed to help people? Like this? Good luck. I am the walking dead. I rise up again. I walk around. I am the Ashes, I am the Dust. I take a shape. I have a name.

Occasionally, I can put this down. Just don't talk about the past. There's things I don't want to remember.

I like to live a quiet life. Sensory hypersensitivity. I can hear from different rooms, different floors. Outside, I can hear for miles it seems. I prefer to mind my own business. I've heard enough.