I'm worried about whats going to happen to me. I'm not doing well.

Spidey werkin' on Anger
So he dudent be a danger

Gonna help di doctors learn

So Spidey gets a chance to earn

Sumday he pind black widow too

Hab a nest and breed a few

Move on and have his liddle piece

and maybe find more love and peace!

     I'm trying to do this counseling so I can express myself better but I'm getting too old to be arguing with mental health workers and family about what I need. I'm getting too old to be alone. I can be useful if people WILL LET ME BE USEFUL. I can cook and clean and work if I have the right help and medication and people WILL GIVE ME THAT OPPORTUNITY. I mean, for Christ's sake, I have education in three $&T*#$# fields!!!!!!!!!!! SO LET ME HELP. DON'T THREATEN ME, DON'T LIE TO ME, let me help. And be satisfied with less than perfect. Otherwise, yes, you'll be doing everything and I'll be useless. They call it a right to work state. I'd like to do that. 

To my awareness

    There was one point i started dissociating really badly. The social worker Kat said that arson was off the team. TO MY AWARENESS she said, he's not part of the team. Later those words came back, and I started walking around repeating them... I wanted to break something. Very badly. 

    Then they wondered why I said I wanted to hurt my counselor. Because I needed her and she was not there to explain to them. Because apparently, I wasn't explaining very well. Instead, I was stuck in that toxic mess, and no one was actually helping me. So, I asked for seroquel because I knew it would calm me down long enough to get out. And once I was out, she could help me. Hopefully the past will only make more sense as time goes on.

Abrupt D/C of Pristiq

    Abruptly stopping a med can be dangerous. Pristiq had been on auto refill. I didn't notice when it wasn't auto refilled. What's more, Walgreens failed to say anything and simply removed it from my meds. Which is I think is completely unethical. Either don't have auto refill or do your damn job. So now I'm having more called in. 

    Unfortunately, the abrupt D/C led to suicidal thinking and flu-like symptoms. I was like what the hell is wrong with me? Life can be crazy. Meds can be... difficult.

    If the hospital can't recognize autism, can't recognize trauma, then God help them because I surely can't.  If they can manage to screw up a hospital stay that badly, then God help them because I surely can't. Because if they wanna go legal, bring it on. We can all lawyer up and argue all day. But me, I have to let things go. Because I took the Spravato, knowing there were risks, and yeah, I contacted the nurse. They need to cool their jets, though. Count to ten and stop making stupid ASS out of U And Me PTIONS. That's dangerous. 

    LEARN SOMETHING ABOUT FREAKING TRAUMA AND AUTISM. IT'S YOUR DAMN JOBS. There's your feedback survey. Otherwise, we're not helping anyone. It's not like autism is that uncommon. And we know more than we did in the 90s. Anyways, some things are best handled in an outpatient setting. Elle understood. Leaves understood. Some of y'all could try a hell of a lot harder though.

    Anyways. World's got better things to do then waste time on a bunch of people that somehow can't add two plus two. Never mind ADHD, its not even that bad. Just be glad my autism isn't as bad as the kids at Springbrook. They can't even take care of themselves. I can still have a life. 

    Delusional? Sometimes. Angry? Not infrequently. Drug addict? Bullshit. If hadn't been for the mistake with Elle, y'all wouldn't have a leg to stand on. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a thriller to go write about blowing up hospitals. You done pissed me off.

What Bipolar and DID have in common

    Bipolar and DID both involve a disconnection from reality. I've seen psychosis in action, and the ideas that come out are generally very far from reality. With Bipolar, you see such an incredibly inflated sense of importance, whereas with DID there is, in my experience, a great deal of agony and very little sense of importance. Someone with bipolar can feel very important and powerful, whereas with DID it is more like the invisible man. One is an ego out of control, the other is a wounded ego. 

Autism Spectrum Level 1

 https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/History_of_Asperger_syndrome#:~:text=Asperger%20syndrome%20(AS)%20was%20formerly,diagnosis%20under%20autism%20spectrum%20disorder.

Dancing in the Psych Ward

Funny how putting the past behind...

 works for all of about ten seconds. 

Trauma vs. THC Addiction

    Trauma can manifest in various ways, including emotional, psychological, and physical symptoms. Emotional signs include persistent sadness, anxiety, fear, anger, shame, and guilt. Psychological signs can include intrusive thoughts, flashbacks, nightmares, difficulty concentrating, and avoidance of trauma reminders. Physical signs may include sleep disturbances, fatigue, aches and pains, and changes in appetite or eating patterns. 

Here's a more detailed breakdown:

Emotional and Psychological Signs:

Intrusive thoughts and memories: Recurring, unwanted thoughts, images, or sensations related to the traumatic event according to the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH). 

Flashbacks: *Feeling as though the traumatic event is happening again in the present moment. *

Nightmares: Disturbing dreams related to the trauma. (I don't remember dreams usually)

Avoidance: **Actively trying to avoid places, people, activities, or even thoughts and feelings associated with the trauma. **

Emotional numbness: Feeling detached, disconnected, or unable to experience emotions fully. 

Difficulty concentrating:** Struggling to focus on tasks, remember things, or make decisions. **

Mood swings: **Experiencing rapid and intense shifts in emotions. **

Anxiety and panic: Feeling excessive worry, fear, or panic, sometimes accompanied by physical symptoms like a racing heart or shortness of breath. 

Depression: *Feeling persistent sadness, loss of interest in activities, and fatigue. *

Guilt and shame: *Feeling responsible for the trauma or experiencing intense feelings of self-blame.* 

Irritability and anger: Feeling easily agitated, frustrated, or experiencing angry outbursts. 

Difficulty trusting others: *Struggling to form or maintain healthy relationships due to fear of vulnerability or betrayal. *

Feelings of hopelessness: Losing hope for the future and feeling pessimistic about recovery. 

Social withdrawal: Avoiding social interactions and becoming isolated from friends and family. 

Self-destructive behaviors: Engaging in risky or harmful behaviors as a way to cope with trauma. 

Physical Signs:

Sleep disturbances: Insomnia, nightmares, or restless sleep.

Fatigue: Feeling excessively tired and lacking energy.

Changes in appetite or eating patterns: Overeating or loss of appetite.

Aches and pains: Experiencing unexplained physical pain or discomfort.

Hypervigilance: Being constantly on guard, easily startled, and overly aware of potential threats.

Rapid heartbeat: Feeling as if the heart is racing or pounding.

Shaking or trembling: Experiencing involuntary tremors or shaking.

Difficulty breathing: Experiencing shortness of breath or feeling like they can't catch their breath.

Digestive issues: Experiencing stomach problems, nausea, or vomiting.

Headaches: Experiencing frequent or severe headaches. 

Yet because of a bad spravato reaction the Hospital and family want to focus on:

Symptoms of cannabis addiction in adults:

Missing work or struggling with job responsibilities (already present)

Spending money on cannabis over essential expenses (Not present)

Increased secrecy and avoiding family interactions (Necessary with certain people)

Frequent arguments (Not present) and mood instability (Already present)

FDIA

    Munchhousen's by proxy (MSP) is now known as a fictitious disorder imposed on another (FDIA). I've seen real life examples of this. A parent or caregiver can be unhappy, and they induce or exaggerate symptoms in another person to generate sympathy or take out their negative emotions on that person. It's very hard to catch. It was first published on in 1951. 

    Munchhousen's tends to generate high health care costs and unnecessary procedures. It is underdiagnosed because it is not well known and there is a high rate of countertransference. Patients with Munchhousen's have high mortality rates due to symptoms imposed on self and others.

    The term was introduced by someone named Asher to describe individuals who intentionally produce signs and symptoms of a disease and who tend to seek medical or hospital care. 

    In 1977, Meadow used the term “Munchausen syndrome by proxy” to describe children whose mothers produce histories of illness to their children and who support such histories by fabricated physical signs and symptoms, or even by alter laboratory tests. This term is also used to refer to elderly or disabled person and/or dependent adults who signs or physical symptoms are created by a caregiver and whose laboratory tests were altered.

    Munchausen syndrome has sometimes been referred to as “hospital addiction”, “polysurgical addiction,” or “professional patient syndrome".

    The problem lies closer to home. These people may not be aware of the patterns. The hospital systems waste money on diagnostic bullshit and overmedicalization. DSM vagueness. Perfectionism in medicine. 

    FDIA is a relatively rare behavioral disorder. It affects a primary caretaker. The person with MSP gains attention by seeking medical help for exaggerated or made-up symptoms of someone in their care. As healthcare providers strive to identify what's causing the child's symptoms, the deliberate actions of the parent or caretaker can often make the symptoms worse.

    The person with MSP does not seem to be motivated by a desire for any type of material gain. While healthcare providers are often unable to identify the specific cause of the child's illness, they may not suspect the parent or caretaker of doing anything to harm the child. In fact, the caregiver often appears to be very loving and caring and extremely distraught over their child's illness.

    People with MSP may create or exaggerate a child's symptoms in several ways. They may simply lie about symptoms, alter tests (such as contaminating a urine sample), falsify medical records, or they may actually induce symptoms through various means, such as poisoning, suffocating, starving, and causing infection.

    People with MSP are often health care professionals and are usually very friendly and cooperative with providers. They demonstrate a great deal of concern and may have Munchausen syndrome, a disorder in which they repeatedly act sick when they do not actually have any physical illness. 

Possible warning signs of MSP The child has a history of many hospitalizations, often with a strange set of symptoms, the symptoms get worse outside of treatment settings, the symptoms are reported worse by the caregiver then the patient, the symptoms don't agree with the testing, the family has a history of unusual illness, samples do not match the genetics of the patient, or chemicals appear in the bodily fluids of the patient. 

    The exact causes of MSP are not known. Researchers are looking at the roles of biological and psychological factors in its development. A history of abuse or neglect as a child or the early loss of a parent may be factors in its development. Some evidence suggests that major stress, such as marital problems, can trigger MSP.

    Diagnosing MSP is very difficult because of the dishonesty that is involved. Doctors must rule out any possible physical illness as the cause of the dependent's symptoms before a diagnosis of MSP can be made. A thorough review of the child's medical history, as well as a review of the family history and the parent's medical history may provide clues to suggest MSP. 

    The first concern in MSP treatment is to ensure the safety and protection of any real or potential victims. This may require that the child be placed in the care of another. In fact, managing a case involving MSP often requires a team that includes a social worker, foster care organizations, and law enforcement, as well as doctors.

    Successful treatment of people with MSP is difficult because those with the disorder often deny there is a problem. In addition, treatment success is dependent on the person telling the truth, and people with MSP tend to be such accomplished liars that they begin to have trouble telling fact from fiction.

    Psychotherapy (a type of counseling) generally focuses on changing the thinking and behavior of the individual with the disorder (cognitive-behavioral therapy). The goal of therapy for MSP is to help the person identify the thoughts and feelings that are contributing to the behavior, and to learn to form relationships that are not associated with being ill.

    This disorder can lead to serious short- and long-term complications, including continued abuse, multiple hospitalizations, and the death of the victim. (Research suggests that the death rate for victims of MSP is about 10%.) In some situations, a child victim of MSP learns to relate getting attention to being sick and develops Munchausen syndrome themselves.

Disorders of the Mind

     On further reflection, the issues that pop up most frequently are Munchhousen's byproxy, DID, and mild autism spectrum. 

    The first because of the microanalysis of my faults, some controlling behavior, along with how publicized my health has always been. It's like my families are addicted to dissecting me. Can't leave well enough alone. Because I've spent so much time in hospitals. Because of the poor boundaries and high or moving standards. There's really so much detail to go behind this theory. That munchhousen's article lights up my brain like a fire. 

    The second because of the repeated tests of memory that come back with difficulties in recall, the testing in controlled settings, all the drugs, the docs and hospitals, the inconsistent realities, the patterns and changes in consciousness... it all adds up. 

    The third because it's been a part of the picture since the nineties and clearly explains sensory sensitivity (even the CAPD), the intelligence, and the findings from numerous professionals from springbrook to Boston to Riggs.

    But I think the missing piece is Munchhousen's byproxy (FDIA). It makes so much sense. 

Truth

    I guess we all have some fear about people knowing the truth about ourselves. I got tired. I needed some privacy. It went in some weird directions. No one is perfect. I think having more control over my health care was necessary. I have so much to do. The 90s wasn't health friendly. For smart people, one of the bigger threats was carpal tunnel. Now we have better keyboards, better care, voice recognition, handwriting recognition, etc. The Spravato was a little hard to manage. Harder than ketamine, I think. I really need my families on the same page. So, life is a little less like Zombie. I had limitations. We all made mistakes. Now I manage my anger and work on managing my own health.

    The thing I like about a website is I can tell everyone the same thing at the same time. Rather then inventing and improvising and hoping no one gets pissed off. Humans can be exhausting. I need to avoid interfamily warfare. I'm working on hiring a very part time executive skills assistant so that Molly can focus on trauma and the psych can focus on the rest and I can focus on writing and maybe some tax or tutoring. I have so many thoughts. It's hard to know what to do with them. 

Munchausen Byproxy

Come to think of it, when a healthcare professional said my parents were harmful, that person was right. Pushing medical care i did not want or need. Munchausen Byproxy. Not that I've been diagnosed. But it has similarities. I've seen it with other people. Keep in mind this is from the perspective of a traumatized and improperly medicated person. My perspective is thus biased. I've had a difficult time. 

MIP

Angry got tired of MIP. Angry decided group therapy online. They invited me back. Maybe Arson will set me on fire. I think he wants to.

Countertransference: see munchousensbyproxy, did, stockholm syndrome

    Countertransference is an unconscious effect in mental health relationships, and neither the clinician nor the client realizes it is happening. It serves as an important reminder that mental health professionals are human too, with their own biases, history, and emotions that can influence their thoughts and reactions to clients.

    In a mental health session, a client might remind the professional of someone or something from their past or present. Consequently, the clinician might unconsciously treat the client in an emotionally charged or biased manner. Clinicians must be aware of countertransference at all times and actively work to acknowledge and manage it in their practice. Countertransference in mental health refers to the emotional reactions, biases, or perceptions a professional may have towards a client, influenced by the professional's personal experiences, unconscious feelings, or issues. It can affect the therapeutic relationship and treatment process.

    Countertransference is a professional's reaction and feelings toward a client in therapy. It contrasts with transference, which is a client’s emotional reaction to their professional. Countertransference is a common, unconscious phenomenon that can negatively impact the therapeutic relationship if not properly addressed. Freud first identified countertransference as a detriment to an analyst’s understanding of their patient. Today, it is viewed with both negative and positive associations in psychology.

    Countertransference occurs when a professional brings in their own experiences to the extent that they lose perspective on the client’s situation and stop being objective. It can manifest when the professional over-identifies with the client’s stories and shares too much about themselves, offers excessive advice instead of listening to the client, pushes the client to act before they are ready, seeks to relate outside the therapy room, inappropriately discloses personal information, develops romantic feelings for the client, lacks adequate boundaries, or is overly critical or supportive of the client.

    If countertransference is the emotional reaction a professional might have towards their client, then transference is the opposite: a client’s emotional reaction to their professional. Transference is a psychological phenomenon where a client redirects feelings for someone from their past or present onto the clinician, which can include feelings towards a family member, friend, or significant other. Like countertransference, this phenomenon is mostly unconscious, and the client is likely unaware of its influence. Unlike countertransference, transference in therapy is accepted. Professionals can use transference as a tool to better understand their client’s personal relationships and emotions. Countertransference can be seen as the clinician’s response to a client’s transference. However, while transference is a normal and accepted part of the therapeutic process, clinicians must monitor their countertransference to remain objective and avoid harming the client.

    In subjective countertransference, the therapist’s own unresolved issues are the cause. In other words, experience from the therapist’s own history is re-experienced in response to their client.

    An example of this includes a therapist who fears anger due to a family history of aggression, so they discourage any expression of anger from their client. This subjective form of countertransference can be harmful if not detected.

    In objective countertransference, the professional's reaction to their client’s maladaptive behaviors is the cause. Maladaptive behaviors are behaviors that inhibit one’s ability to healthy cope or adjust to certain situations. Most people would have the same reaction to this person; thus, the professional's reaction is “objective.”

    Unlike subjective countertransference, objective countertransference can actually benefit the therapeutic process. For instance, if the professional can accept and study this objective reaction they have to their client, they can use this countertransference as an analytical tool.

    Positive countertransference occurs when a professional becomes overly supportive of their client. Signs include trying too hard to befriend the client, disclosing too much personal information, or over-identifying with the client’s experiences. This can harm the therapeutic relationship by diminishing professional boundaries and preventing the professional from treating the client objectively. Importantly, some psychologists believe this positive form of countertransference can have beneficial outcomes by improving the professional-client relationship.

    Negative countertransference occurs when a professional reacts negatively to uncomfortable feelings. This includes being overly critical, punishing, rejecting, or disapproving of the client. It is also evident when the professional feels bored, irked, paralyzed, or contemptuous during therapy with a particular client. Negative countertransference is especially problematic as it can harm the client’s psyche and cause therapy to do more harm than good.