Maybe i get overly cranky. Maybe im not that odd. How many shrinks have I met? Let's see... attendings... maybe 7 prisma, 2 springbrook, the ccbh one, conner, that guy at the bershires... started with a z i think... then the residents and medical students... maybe 6 or 7. Sooo... close to 20. Then the counselors... let's see... maybe 8.
The shrinks it was more like punching keys on a keyboard... the counselors, it could go off in wierd directions. This is where the boundaries became problems. Some it was like pulling teeth... others it was too smooth, and then like how the hell did i get here?
I absolutely hated cbt. It's not so bad in practice. But actually doing the counseling was God awful.
Sometimes things got off track. The most off track was with the LPC-A. now she had the greatest enthusiasm and effort. It started to feel sideways. Thankfully we were wrapping up. Im glad I did that though. It helped. Gave me new ideas about which directions to go. How to deal with my issues from a different perspective. New ideas of areas to explore, things to try.
Now I get to talk to interns, which is nice. Cuz then the tables are turned a bit. I get to do almost all the talking. And they get to practice. I used to be the vegetable. The mental health people would tend me. Now every semester there's a fresh crop of interns. So I get to be the farmer.
Im told im odd. And I've been analyzed near to death. But I've spent time in some odd places. Some people stay in the same place. They stay with the same people. I've met all sorts. I've gotten to know so many people so well.
My favorites are the more mild mannered guys or the women.
And yeah I have a special place in my heart for nurses. It's a little embarrassing. But... they work hard.
I've met some strong personalities. I used to talk more. These days I've been more selective about talking. Tired of the conversations. Sometimes I take a while. I observe. I watch the dynamics. Individual personalities. Mannerisms. Gauging different people. Sometimes I just learn. Other times I make more of a surgical strike. By this age most people know the things they want to say and to which people. Im getting some of that. But I like to get a feel for a crowd and be selective with my conversation. Because I can talk up a storm... but it gets tiresome. There were times in my life I didn't talk at all. Like when I was 13. Barely said a word.
There are some people I can't forget. I remember the nurse manager at Lost and rigged. She was maybe in her late 50s at the time. We would go on walks in the mornings. I loved our walks...
I guess I've been holding too much in. By the end of tax season i was coming apart. I loved doing it so much. About 180 returns. I pushed too hard. But they needed me. We were short. And I met so many people. All sorts. White trash. Blacks. Hispanics. Asians. Rich and poor. I did my first farmer. It was fun. Lotta Cs. Some Es. A few strange characters. But I did love doing it. That's why it was hard to stop. But then I compared to a similar level person. I was doing twice what she did. She was about to cry. I've got to not push so hard. But I love meeting the people.
Sometimes When I'm very dissociative I start laughing and crying at the same time. It reminds me of that purple heart guy. Sometimes When things build up you just go in different directions at the same time. Like that joker character. Wierd type of angry sad overwhelmed
I've met many people who have heard voices. There was this one guy on CL. He had a female hallucination that he was friends with. I don't remember his name or the hallucinations name. But it was interesting listening to him talk about thier relationship. It seemed strange at the time. But I was heavily medicated. Now I have several. I don't consider them friends. They're parts of me.
So sometimes I hear voices... one sounds like a sort of cyborg...
One sounds like an angry old man
One sounds more like a young woman
One sounds like an adult woman
One sounds like a kid
One doesnt have a particular sound
One sounds more like the me I've know most my life
And the last sounds like a young man
They have songs too...
Ebbyday dat molly pind gnew waze to inspire spidey... den I sing my song...
Everyone makes mistakes. A mistake isn't failure until the end.
I'm 43. At 17,18, and 19 I tried to kill myself. Those were mistakes. Somehow, I'm still here.
at 40, Prichards went gonzo with tons of different meds and I had bought a gun and all sort of shit. So there were mistakes. To different degrees, we made them together. But I'm not dead yet.
at 43. I'm still here. So in fact, I HAVE NOT FAILED YET. I have made mistakes. We all make mistakes. I've made some pretty dramatic ones. And as much as I may be angry,
See when I started my life, my first desire as a kid was to be a cop. Parents wouldn't have it. So it moved through programming to teaching back to IT then to psychology, then back to IT then Accounting then I tried to apply to the IRS and to the FBI (forensic accountant), then this medical blew up. Then I had to think. And I did more accounting. Then I started writing again, and it was to make a book, then I got back into poetry, then I decided that since I seem to be stuck here and unable to keep the tax job stable (too seasonal), and since I'm on govt money, I want to write about greenville. But not just about me personally, but about the city and the county in a more rounded way.
See I've been around different folk. Europe. Central America. Alaska. SE. Unfortunately not Africa or Asia, unless you count St. Petersburg, which I think is still technically europe. Anyways, not just different places, different types. Crisisline, Austen Riggs, MA, Psych hospitals... you meet all kinds of folks... my jobs in IT, tax, and retail. Clemson. Tech. I've been around dirt poor. I've been around filthy rich. Different cultures and ethnicities. I don't know everything. But I've had a lot of exposure. Some people should keep that in mind. Thinking they are the ultimate repository of knowledge. I've been around so many Phds, MDs, and sorts... no one knows everything. So another thing I'm trying to do is help some people learn to shut their traps. Y'all created me. Be Proud. So hopefully I can do that. My energy does seem to be limited, and my learning capacity is slowing down.
Anyways, The thing is, though myself and the people I've worked with have made mistakes, the truth is none of us has actually failed just yet. That's what got me to keep going. Not revenge. Because we're all still alive, most of us... so... we haven't failed yet. So that got me started on what Arson called "OH GREAT, HE WANTS TO BE STUDIED". That's actually a pretty good idea. See, we can still make this work. So now we're learning together. Me, PRISMA, the old guard, and South Carolina. Maybe we can do something special. Aside from threats and lawsuits and stuff. Maybe we can influence people to be responsible with medical care, eat more healthy, think more independently, be more positive. Even when we're angry. Anyways, I hate to mention the name on the building thing but, fact is, so long as it's there, it's hard to shut me up. So I get to criticize. I'll get heat for it. But. I'm also getting heat for not doing it. Can't please everyone. See, it is, like my sister said, OK to be angry. It's OK to have emotions. It really is. We are not robots. Though I think I've moved down a bit from 10 to about a 6. Maybe 5. But like the counselor explained... it's not one and done. It's not a one way road. I'm going to have different emotions at different intensities and that intensity will go up and down. Contrary to Prichards belief, I am in fact not dangerous, I do get to make decisions, I get to have feelings, I get to have a life. Because if I am anyone's property, I am federal property. Country first. Then South Carolina. Not that I like what the federal govt is doing right now. But I'd to avoid politics. There's plenty of places for that.
I hope I'm getting the point across that trying to control people or make ridiculous amounts of money is bad. That circling the wagons and groupthink is self-destructive in the end. That cover ups are bad. Because if you still think that no one is trying to cover something up, YOU HAVE NO FUCKING INTELLIGENCE. I'm just waiting for a judge to rule on this once and for all. So people will stop fucking around with each other and with the medical system. That my fucking life mission. Fing DEAL WITH IT. I get to have emotions too. You don't have to be around them. It's not a prerequisite. No one is God. NO ONE. So in a sense I am religious. Because I believe that God has given me this mission. To keep certain damn people in their fucking places. As publicly as they make necessary. To keep this state quiet and safe. Cuz this is so stupid. And I had help getting me here. MIP. Didn't teach boundaries. Didn't have independence. Prichards. That Psychologist that taught at Furman. Prick. Certain people I've been close to. Some people just have no sense. But it catches up to you. So now I am property of Greenville, SC and the Federal Govt. Everyone else needs to fuck off. Don't make me repeat myself. It's too late to shut me up. You can evict me. You can do that. Other than that. Not much else. So please do not read this if it upsets you. And do not weaponize this site. But use it to help yourself or entertain yourself. Responsibly. Then mind your fucking business. And i'll continue to repeat key words so people get the point. Not because I like to. But so people get the point. It's so fucking ridiculous you're making me do this. But we all get here. We're here now. Right here. So. Let's make the best of that. Separately. Be intelligent. I know you can do it. I have FAITH. You CAN MIND YOUR OWN DAMN BUSINESS. Repeat after me. I will shut the fuck up. Good. Now. I will mind my own damn business and not fuck around with other people's business. Good. I will not force medicate or manipulate someone else's healthcare. Now Repeat those three statement 27 times. If you have any questions, consult a priest.
Since everyone is so fascinated by my medications, I thought I would illuminate.
Currently, my cabinet includes:
Buproprion SR (Wellbutrin): I really like this one. Depression and offlabel ADHD. Norepinephrine and dopamine primarily. Rather reliable. The xl is fewer pills but the hospital hates xl because of insurance.
Pristiq (desvenlafaxine): depression. I like this one a lot. Very similar to but seems better then effexor. Serotonin and Norepinephrine primarily
Remeron (Mirtazapine): this one is low dose, cPTSD and sleep but its an antidepressant. Primarily dopamine, I believe
Aterax (hydroxzine): anxiety. Antihistamine.
Propranolol (Beta Blocker): blood pressure medication used for ptsd
Max strength Benadryl 5/28 max 1/7days
(Or atarax 25-100)
Lion's Mane
Chaga
Inhalor
Epipen (but on beta blocker)
Inositol (Vitamin B8) (Artstick)
Zinc
Magnesium
Ginkgo Biloba 5/28
Multivitamin
Holy Basil tea
Ashawangha tea
Chamomile lavender tea w/ probiotics
Lavender supplements (Artstick)
Probiotic plant protein (Artstick)
GABA: found at pharmacy/health food stores
5/16/25 30 day supply of sleep supplement consisting of melatonin, l theanine, and flower extract.
5/16/25 abilify 2
5/16/25 ativan 1mg pending for going near hospitals
Electrolyte water: to adjust for clozaril d/c and aid general function
mike may fanatically remind people on occasion I've tried hemp products. These have primarily been cbc and thc. Once it was thcv. Long ago, under prichards advice, i tried CBD. MDs are absolutely obsessed with this stuff. They dont like anything they can't maniacally control. They are obsessed with control. They truly think they are gods, they just don't admit it in public. It's obnoxious beyond all belief. Completely unhealthy. But the fact is Prichards recommended both cbd and thc. FACT. He had other patients on thc and was aware of this. FACT. He manipulated countless meds, often offlabel, often outside recommended dosages. And that will come out in court whether i live or die. That man WILL ANSWER FOR HIS ACTIONS. PERIOD. END OF STORY. MATTER CLOSED. I WILL HAVE THIS REVIEWED BY A JUDGE. So shut your damn traps. YOU GUYS TAUGHT ME THIS. BLAME YOUR OWN DAMN SELVES. I GOT THIS FROM MDS and nutritionists. By the time I met my counselor, I had already tried cbd and thc. Fact. Thank prichards.
A Special note to obnoxious and unethical health professionals. Any attempt to influence my health care WILL BE REPORTED. SHUT YOUR DAMN TRAPS. FBI, MEDICAL BOARD, DSS, OR WHOEVER NEEDS A REPORT. THANK YOU FOR TUNING THE FUCK OUT. I've already spoke to fbi about this. They are aware. Do not make me put you on a radar. My family, contrary to popular belief does not control the world, nor does anyone control me. Please shut your traps. (FOR the educated, that means stop talking).
The funny thing was, you got a little more twisted out of shape then you needed to be. A dissociative episode does not have to be a big deal. I'm not exactly sure what you found so alarming. But threatening and running a lot of different people in and lying to me are not exactly ways to be productive, gain trust, or help people.
I do appreciate the Sprite.
Refusing to change the urine bags when I'm obviously in pain and they are obviously full is just all sorts of stupid. It's not hard. You have eyes. Even if you're a cleaning person you can tell the people standing right outside watching THAT DUH he's in pain and needs help.
That aside, it was bizarre that the doctor lied about the lab results. There was definitely stuff that you found. And yes, my phone did die. And no my family wasn't helpful. So congratulations, now my emergency contact is my LPC. YOU DON'T GET A FUCKING CHOICE. You contact someone that can help.
That said. I do appreciate some of the communication instruction and the ideas on what to relay to my family. Not sure why I could not pee. The RNs were very rough. Unnecessarily so. I've had catheters before. They did not have to be that rough, and I can file lawsuits. Remember that.
Anyways, you guys did fine as far as to keep my health intact. I guess I'll ask my internist to recheck the labs to make sure they return to normal.
Some of you seemed angry and others amused. You'll be happy to know I do not remember any names. At points I wasn't sure who was the doctor and who was the nurse. If you're wondering where I got the curse words from, you taught me. Remember, Garbage in, Garbage out. You treat me like shit, don't be surprised if I get ugly. You curse, I curse. You lie... I call you out.
Maybe save the comments about shipping me out of state. The guy that transferred me to MIP. I can remember things from time to time. I can be nice. I think you can remember I've been nice before. I can be ugly too. Don't worry about the names. FBI has eyes. So just forget about it.
Let's not do this again. Maybe if there's a next time I'll try Bon Secours. But I like holding people ACCOUNTable. So who knows. If I go back to Vinewell, I'll have a word about the vital checking. Don't worry though, they're not eager to see me either. I've got rather acute hearing. Somethings I can ignore.
I am not the property of my family. You don't need to talk about me being a disappointment to my father or anything about my treatment team or anyone I know. They do not actually control me. No one actually does, but if I am accountable to someone right now that would be my treatment team and the Federal Government. South Carolina did try to succeed. We failed, guys.
** Author's note: I would have indeed changed it myself, but my hands were not steady and it is a biohazard **
See, what I have learned is that I do not have the right to privacy. Cuz people don't leave me the fuck alone. So, I'm just publishing my entire life here until some people lose interest in fucking with me.
So let's get started. I was born here in Greenville in 1981. Greenville General. It moved to Memorial. My father was a doctor, sister a social worker, other sister an anthropologist, brother a psychiatrist. I have 6 nieces and nephews who mean a lot to me. 3 boys and 3 girls. My mom from Italy and my dad from New Jersey.
I had some early childhood trauma. Ended up making MIP my other home. Beck Middle School. Southside High School. Worked at Taco Bell. My family put me at Furman. I got expelled. Not a long story, but I'll get to that. Then I went to MA. Two Hospital/Treatment Centers. Worked in Fast Food. Came back down, worked at the grocery. Started taking history and business and some other courses at Tech. Transferred to Clemson. Psychology. Graduated. Worked in IT. Got two certifications in that. Went to my Masters Program. Got my Accounting Degree. Worked in some Corporate and Tax. Legally disabled since 20. Learned how to Busybody with the best of them. Learned God complexes. Was forced to develop a sense of humor. Pushed too hard. Trying to slow down. People still try to speed me up. Tired. Pissed off. Developed memory problems and a tendency to repeat myself, especially when people don't listen. Heard too much, seen plenty. Volunteered for 3.5 years at Crisisline. Never married. Dated someone for about 3 years or so. She got married. Not your fucking business. Anyways. I did try the trans thing briefly and flirted with the gay thing. Right after Clozaril stopped. Had to figure things out a bit after so much chemical and psychological manipulation. Decided I was too old and tired to experiment too much. Now I stay at home mostly. Until the people around me stop fucking with me. As long as it takes. Thinking about hobbies some. But right now my goal for hobbies is the guitar and writing. I need to go through a few extra belongings. Stop breaking into psych hospitals. I enjoy my cat. I like to read. The library doesn't like that I like to read. They don't like my Mrs. Doubtfire. They're pruds. I need to return that book but I hate going there now. They need to adjust their attitudes. All I'm trying to do is check out books. If they make it difficult then it will be difficult. I advocate some. I don't understand their narrowmindedness. Public areas are for EVERYONE. GET OVER YOURSELVES.
Let's see... this week I have to pick out more stuff for the checkers to donate or throw out... I have coffee... I have mindful... I need to reconnect my printer and my tv to the network (thanks FBI if that was you). Check the website to make sure no one will kill me over what it says... check the links again... reduce my old OTC/hygiene stuff... work on my anger... avoid filing more reports... Not yell at anyone... Be careful not to overexert... go for some walks...
I realize there has been a lot of stress in the community over my last name and people with it. To some extent people need to mind their own damn business. To another extent, people need to stop making everything MY specific problem. Regardless of the blame game, people have to live here. Myself included. Only so many holes to bury me in. So to everyone on earth: it's only a name and each of us is only one person. I need to consolidate my memory and work on my health with my team. Whatever it is you want from me or people who know me, you can leave comments or contact the email provided. One person or one group of people (a family, a hospital, a community) can only do so much. For those of you who desperate to shut me up, medicate me, career me, or otherwise manipulate me into this that or the other thing, please fuck off. I will do what I can when I am able. DO NOT GIVE ME INSTRUCTION. DO NOT FUCK WITH ME. The Federal Govt may own me (through Disability) but no one else does. I am not your property. Contact the FBI or my treatment team if you feel otherwise. Thank you.
I'm Reminding everyone who knows me or wants something from me, DO NOT CONTACT ME IN REAL LIFE or AUDITORILY. If you need to contact me, there is a comment feature and an email, I have facebook, whatsapp, some people have my number and can leave texts or emails. Again, I have asked FBI to monitor my communication due to continuous harassment. I intend to keep my own damn opinions until my dying breath and to aid and assist the general community in what way I can, which will be determined by my treatment team free of undue influence. You harass me or them and there will be reports filed. So leave it be. This DOES NOT GET FIXED. IT IS CALLED MEDICALLY COMPLEX FOR A REASON. Leave it be.
Years, ago, when I was highly medicated, I walked around as if I was a different person. My mind was simpler. My thoughts and dreams were different. It seemed natural to focus on career and wealth and being connected and pushing for more.
It is easy to put on those rose colored glasses, especially if you have letters after your name or you have chemicals in your system. But the world isn't that way. There are no angels here on earth. This is reality. There is safety and there are dangers.
Names are not everything.
I do not believe there is perfection anywhere, in anyone, or anything here on earth.
Do I believe in God? Am I saved? I've gotten that a lot. I do not believe in predetermination. I also do not believe in good works buying one's way to heaven.
I do believe in God. I was raised Catholic. Some events in my life have challenged my beliefs. And I have known atheists and God Complexes and pop culture types and Hindus and Muslims and even Shintoists and Deists and polytheists.
So I believe in one God, but I'm ok with people believing other things. I do not believe there is one recipe for life. I am not looking to be converted by any religion. The biggest issue I have with Christianity is the Gender roles. The second biggest is the pitting of science vs the Bible. I happen to be one of those weird people who believe that the Bible and Evolution can both be true. God created the Earth and everything on it, including the evolution of the animals. Just like Angels can fall, man can lose his way in different ways. Anything can change. The earth can change. People can change.
Being addicted to sameness or perfectionism or a particular person or thing is dangerous.
I've gotten a lot of feedback from different people and places. I have trouble remembering. But I am a collection of all of that experience. Various Hospitals, countries, people. Given my health, I need to consolidate my memory and try to learn from all of this fairly intense experience.
The best way to not get like this is to be careful what you experience. Be careful with what you put in your body, how hard you push, what influences you expose yourself to. If you're on antipsychotics, that's harder to do. People looking to convert me: My mind is too stressed and overwhelmed to really absorb much more. Don't try too hard.
So going back to Memory and the difference between remembering and recalling as explained by Clarity.
I can REMEMBER.
At any given time, I have trouble RECALLING specific events and specific pieces of information. This can happen with learning disorders, dementia, or with trauma. I have been dx'd with the first and third of those. I have tried Amantadine, Namenda, mirapex, and I think Aricept, along with the ADHD meds.
If you wonder why my communication is bad, I may be in a different time period, I may be in fight or flight, or I may be trying to recall different pieces of information.
No matter what, don't expect a lot of give and take, fluid and present time related conversation for sustained periods in large groups of people or chaotic environments. If they haven't mastered that yet, they never will.
So I'm coming back to Psychiatry and Boundaries. An INTELLIGENT professional is AWARE. When approaching the patient, the professional understands that the patient is not him/her. The patient is not your reflection. Residents are not eye candy. They can on occasion be smarter than you. Just because you're not talking does not mean time has stopped.
Another good way to develop PTSD is to do twice what the next person does. For example, get a job at a tax company. Work out of two offices. Take the day shift. Accept every walk in. Go nuts. End tax season barely knowing what day it is. Complete twice as many returns as a similar level preparer who uses it as thier main gig.
You push hard enough, you don't need an adhd or a bipolar to make it official.
Now if y'all shrinks don't mind, I need to de-DSM, de-medicalize, de-perfectionize, and de-traumatize this state a bit. So as much as I know you hate me, I'll be spreading the word... I'll grab my incense and go around throwing it in the air like holy water...
Drugs are bad! Mmmmmkay!?!
DSMs are bad! Mmmmkay?!?
Oh brother where art thou? Oh yes, on the other side. Accountability is a bitch. Dead or alive, people will know the dangers of toxic masculinity, Bipolar bullshit, Medicalized Perfectionism, and the insanity that is Psychiatry... You've given me my life's purpose. You did think you were Gods. Well, sometimes what you create turns against you. If you spout enough bullshit, it can happen. You do it long enough, you create a life's purpose. And potentially some legal action. You want me to give it up? You drop your rocks, I'll drop mine. But please don't ask me to talk or run around. I'm tired. If you need something, put it in writing so I can have three different people verify and hold you to it. I'm tired of this shit.
You can't medicate this shit away. It simply doesn't happen. I think two comas proved that.
This is miseducation, moving standards and high standards. This is poor boundaries and greed. This is what it looks like. Take a good look. Here it is. I'm tired of hiding it. You fuck up this state. We'll have a problem. Go ahead, ship me out. Demonize me. Bipolarize me. Dehumanize me. Do all the Izings. Do the Isms. The Sexisms and the racisms and all that. Pass the guilt and the blame and the anger around. Go ahead. You wanna shut me up? I'm 43. I'm human I can die. People will still know. You can rebrand PRISMA. You can lie to me. People will find out. I may not be that smart. But people figure things out. You can play this hospital against that, this center against that, this state against that, this doctor against that. You wanna bury me? You're coming too. We all die someday. Plenty of shovels. We can dig graves or we can dig out foundations and build things. But my energy is limited. As far as I know the FBI has eyes on me. And yes I know the law and I know your damned DSM. Just leave it alone. Back off Angry, and let angry back off too.
If you want to hear my words, you can read. Text. Email. Website. Voicemail, but I may respond via text communication or a professional. I'm tired. Don't push me. You can't reprogram people nor drug them away. You put them in comas that way. Waste of resources if you ask me. I'm not perfect, I'm just pissed off. Don't play with fire. You get burnt that way.
People keep trying to influence me or shut me up. Now I have to file reports with this State/Federal Agency and screen all communications. It's exhausting me. GO READ SOMETHING ELSE. I'M NOT THAT IMPORTANT AND I'M NOT THAT DANGEROUS. I just have a job to do. I'm getting federal funds. Might as well help the federal government keep this state clean and healthy.
I go to sleep tired. I wake up tired. Antipsychotics can increase energy by suppressing abstract thinking and numbing you out, but then they interfere with daily functioning. They make no sense. Yet the force medicators will run to them till the end of time. Because we want our men macho! Numb! Fucking bullshit. Go back to medical school. 🙄
Energy comes from other places too. Food. Rest. Sleep. Reasonable expectations. A lack of excessive medical treatment. I know your dsm. Much like the tax code. Go back to medical school. You are not gods. Go on vacation. Go home. Stop fucking up south carolina. Stop fucking with me. You want angry to back off? Then back the fuck off angry.
Ok, So I'm back, after a few more law enforcement related
hallucinations and flashbacks. See, this is why I want South Carolina to
understand trauma better. Because when people don't know what they are dealing
with, it can cause problems. When the body goes through a long series of
traumatic events, that can be called complex PTSD or DID. PTSD is similar but
related to a narrower set of traumatic events generally over a shorter period
of time. Mislabeling a trauma disorder as a mood disorder is counterproductive.
Applying the wrong medications and treatments is counterproductive. Demonizing
or goading a person with trauma is counterproductive. CCBH and I learned that
the hard way.
Danger is all about interpretation. 911 operators, hostage
negotiators, trauma counselors, they understand this. Psychiatrists should
understand it better. They need to get off their high horses about THC and
trauma disorders in general. It's really not impressive to treat people like
shit and be know it alls because you think you're better than them. You went to
a fucking med school. Get over it. Shut your damn traps and I'll shut
mine.
I'm not actually afraid of the FBI or the police because I
don't actually commit crimes. And they have the resources and skills to figure
that out. Having DID does not make me dangerous or a criminal mastermind. If I
had been dangerous, I'm pretty sure the FBI reports asking them to monitor my
communications would have found that out. Other than Internet disruptions and
my counselor talking to people, I haven't heard anything. Maybe I filed one
more report. Anyways, I imagine they hacked my phone and computer by now. If
not, then they must not be concerned. I've been receiving some harassment since
CCBH. I get a little paranoid about past trauma.
If you understand Stockholm Syndrome, Polyvagal theory, and
Hostage negotiation type skills, then you understand how to handle DID or
complex PTSD or PTSD. Remain calm. Ground the person. Be cautious with
medication. Don't be alarmed about THC. Remember Adrenaline and Cortisol. The
body is in a fight or flight state. A fight state can resemble mania. The
dissociation can resemble Psychosis. A flight or freeze state can resemble
severe depression or catatonia. Abrupt movements are to be expected. Collapse
is possible. I'm not that strong.
My body is tired. 2 comas. Complex medical trauma / DID. It
has been run through the adrenaline/cortisol cycle. First responders, veterans,
and abuse victims will understand this stuff. People who work on night shifts
understand this stuff. The body gets tired.
My humor confuses people. My counselor loves my humor. Why?
because it's an effective coping mechanism. People with trauma understand this.
You have to laugh. Otherwise, the stress is too much. Robin Williams was
amazing. I've seen most of his stuff.
I asked mental health professionals to read this site. I
want people to understand trauma in South Carolina. So, we can all rest easier.
DID is not actually something that needs to keep you awake at night. Mauldin is
actually one of the safest cities in the country. The police are heavily armed,
and they go in force. I doubt they worry about me. If a five-foot woman can be
alone and unarmed with me, I'm pretty sure there's no need for fear. She would
have said something if I had been violent in more than 5 years of once-a-week
counseling. Some inappropriate comments here and there. She would have said
something if my communication was alarming. She hasn't said anything yet, and
now she has Coffee to help her. And yes, he is male. I got tired of some of the
comments about sexuality. So now I have a man and a woman in charge of my care,
so that people don't get confused. Make it complicated, and it becomes
complicated.
People with Stockholm syndrome or effects like that can
develop strong attachments to other people during traumatic events. Which is
why I am so attached to certain people like Elle and Leaves and my counselor.
They have helped me through some very difficult times. You know why? Not
because they were women or because of their hair color. Because they all
understand trauma and they understand me. Elle worked with me for decades and
has a history of trauma. Leaves is a trauma counselor. My counselor is CCPT-II
certified (Certified Clinical Trauma Professional Level II: Complex Trauma). If
you think she does not know what she is dealing with, you are a fucking moron.
Even if you have an MD. Morons can have MDs too. Like the nursing staff said,
you take a test enough, you can pass it eventually (though that doesn't really
speak highly of the staff's skills, I get the point). I passed CPA, but I have
only taken that Dissociation inventory once, and it was maybe 200-300
questions. I cannot fake that. I am not nearly that smart. PTSD off the charts.
Dissociation off the charts. Psychosis ZERO ZERO ZERO. Coffee has the results,
I believe. Artstick did too. That's why I ignore other Psychiatrists. They
don't have those results. So they diagnose psychosis. WASTE. OF. TIME. AND.
RESOURCES. Don't make me make you look stupid.
Sometimes I don't know how to interpret. Being in a fight or
flight state turns off the prefrontal cortex. It turns off more complex
thinking. So if I seem confused, it's not because I'm psychotic or on drugs or
a moron, it's because my body has shut down my responses. Due to a long series
of traumatic events, it does that around holidays and certain high stress
periods. Like when I'm in ERs and people are threatening me. Further
communication only increases confusion. Just stop talking. Keep it simple. I'll
be in my mind waiting for y'all to pull it together and make some sense and a
damn effort. You keep it up long enough, you may have me in a room by myself in
pain thinking of lawsuits and blurting out stuff from the past like Elle's name
or City Center's name or other things. It's not really helpful.
So, yes, Arson, I do want to be studied in a sense. I do
want you to understand complex trauma and how to treat it. Because instead of
throwing people in jail or threatening them or labeling them bipolar or
freaking out, you might just learn polyvagal theory a little better. It might
save you time and stress. Because I'm not afraid of your staff or personnel and
they have no reason to fear me. Y'all have known me since the mid-nineties. I
think I'm fairly predictable by this point. And if a five-foot women doesn't
need security guards and locks, why do you? Why do you cower behind your locks
and your meds and your DSM? It's not that hard. Yeah, I see your security
guards. Do I look armed to you? Do I look like I can overpower that many
people? Do I look particularly dangerous? Why do you need combination to get
into these places? I'm glad they didn't have that. The taser stays at home
folks. For possible break in. A deterrent. And with everyone knowing me and it
being bright pink, I'd be in a jail pretty fast if I tried to use it
improperly. People seem to find me frightening. You know I pushed a doctor
once? I was frustrated. Y'all may remember. It was at MIP. She didn't actually
lose her balance. All that happened was I got frustrated and she stopped working
with me. Then there was that Nutritionist at IMA. I had just been through
trauma. It was kinda funny. I asked to hug her. She said yes. So I did. Well
then the staff started calling me her boyfriend and it became uncomfortable.
But she could have said no. And if you understand trauma it's not actually that
big a deal. And yes, I keep mentioning the word trauma to differentiate it from
Bipolar because if you people don't get with the program we're really wasting
each other's time. Because the treatments are different. Learn the damn theory.
Polyvagal theory. CCPT. Look it up. That way people don't have to worry about
reports to SCDHEC, Medical board, DSS, etc etc etc because you're not doing
stupid things that don't help and can make things worse for everyone. I'm not
actually trying to be a professor here I'm just trying to save you time and
stress and resources so that we don't need to watch the bed, chart at 4.5 PPH,
or stuff like that. But I do appreciate health care professionals. It's not all
about looks either. Yeah, I like that she liked the poem. I'm not actually that
interested in her. I'm not there to date people. I've bigger problems. I wrote
the poem for the hospital. There are women on the outside. I have a misplaced
sense of humor. It comes from a history of trauma. We do need to see other
people. I know Greenville County has plenty of people with problems. I talked
to plenty at Crisisline.
By the way, the new fence looks nice. I like the rounded
top. It's sturdy. And with the security cameras and current set up, y'all have
it well managed. It'd be very hard for someone, to say, jump the fence, come to
the visitor's entrance, and ask to visit himself. When you said my father was
there to visit, but the name he gave was mine... I had a flashback. In
combination with people threatening to throw me in jail, my mind constructed a
scenario, and I began to believe I was going to be arrested. So there was some
confusion. Loss of trust. I really don't think threats are appropriate. But I
get it. You think I'm dangerous. After all this time? I pushed a doctor once.
That was 26 years ago. I've walked around y'all unarmed for all these years.
I'm not that strong. I know the speed of your security. I've seen them before.
Many times. I get afraid too. Maybe it's time to stop fearing each other. Stop
threatening and medicating and all that. There are some medications that help
with trauma. It's not that hard to know how to use them safely. So do so. So
long as they are properly prescribed for the correct symptoms and time periods,
I will take them. But if you dx bullshit, then you can expect bullshit in
return. Fair's fair. Garbage in, Garbage out. Move your codes around on your
charts, just treat the symptoms, physical or otherwise. Save your threats and
restraining orders. You do that and I won't have to retreat inside my mind and
lock you out. I've gotten good at that. It's a survival mechanism. Oh Arson knows,
yes he knows. He knows all the names I think. The functions. The genders are
really just a representation of cultural stereotypes. I am male. And if you
have to know, the female stuff is a Robin Williams sense of humor thing. I
really adored that man. He made me laugh.
You know he killed himself. Some type of dementia. Anyways.
I get frustrated. The Bipolar bullshit is particularly
annoying to me. The obsession with medication is annoying to me. It's making it
difficult to follow doctor's orders. But the PA is not one of you. I don't know
if he was the one in the emergency room who called Bipolar "one of the
most over diagnosed things in the book" but I think whoever said that is
right. And bringing it up is useless. You should see that by now. No, I'm
following Artstick's orders. You other shrinks, go learn polyvagal theory. Stop
wasting everyone's time. You cannot recognize a trauma disorder, change
careers. This is a waste of public resources. You want to lecture me? Expect
lectures in return. You don't know everything. So, stop pretending and I will
too. And then maybe we can laugh a little.
You see Seroquel can bring down dissociation symptoms when
they are severe. I did stop taking it after the severe symptoms went away but
Seroquel does not treat trauma, it treats psychosis and bipolar, which I do not
have. My history of trauma will prove this. My symptoms will prove this. I am
making this public to shut down the bipolar bullshit, the poor boundaries, and
the medication flow. It's not helpful. If these meds landed me in two comas,
they're not going to stop a third.
Doing Taxes can be traumatic. Last tax season I broke down.
Didn't even make it through the last day. I don't know if I'll be back. They
pushed me too hard. I didn't set limits. I need to step back from high stress
environments on a long-term basis. I'd like to focus on this writing people
keep telling me about. Maybe write about Greenville. You know, all the famous
writers do that. The ones I've admired. They write about what they know. Their
experiences. But I like Greenville, which is why I insist on staying here, and
anyone who does like that can go fuck themselves. But since I do like
Greenville, you shouldn't be that concerned about my writing. Other then
perhaps McClean (not in Greenville), some key psychiatrists, and CCBH, there's
not a whole lot of negative to say. It's a nice place.
CCBH was trying to
rebuild Rome in a week and that short sightedness and goading and stupidity
really fucked us all. I hope they learned something. I need to stay out of
these hospitals. I guess it's hard to be sympathetic to some doctor's kid on
govt insurance but maybe you could try harder. At least keep your traps shut
now and then. Tone it down a little. Or at least be ready for me to unload on
you in return. Garbage in, Garbage out. Common sense. Elle was really good at
knowing just the right words. She could manage me rather easily. You can
demonize her or me for that. You can exaggerate what it means. I know how
gossip works. But I do have to talk sometimes. So we can talk or I can lock you
out and go away in my mind and we can stare at each other while you chart at 2.5 PPH. See the patient observer, the hispanic one, she reminded me of that
crisisline caller from all those years ago... The one I tried to help. That's
when a trauma disorder is not so harmful. Because to me, that activates some
protector/helper instincts. And then I'm more focused on helping someone.
That's why she was able to get me out. That and some calming from
Seroquel/Ativan. But all these threats and garbage about substances and
stalking and danger is not helping anyone. It makes me file reports. Because I
start to feel threatened. It makes me lose trust. It's not that hard. Specific
medications and substances can bring down trauma symptoms. Avoiding certain
triggers. Grounding. Calming. Reflection. Validation. Positivity. Humor that is
not degrading. Anyone insults or threatens my people again, I will file
reports. There will be action. You want to break me or my people? Roll the
dice. I know the law. Better than you think.
You know Prichards pushed too hard? Yeah, he cared too much
too. Let's label him Bipolar and give him the drugs. I can do projection too. I
can do DSM too. You taught me. I have the Psychology degree as well. We can
project each other. We can do regression and transference. Oh yeah. So stop the
bullshit. You're stressing out my counselor with this bullshit. You're
stressing out me with this bullshit. We need to stop wasting time. Cuz we can
all go to McClean. Or Prison. Or be drugged. That's not helping anyone. I don't
appreciate threats anymore then you do.
Arson's been working there a long time. He's not a bad man.
It's difficult working in a hospital. Difficult being a patient. I just don't
feel like threats and druggings are helpful if we can all just back off Angry,
laugh a little. Mind our own business. But if you get me to a 10, you can
expect shutdowns, cryptic communications, symbols, and if at that point you
don't apply trauma techniques then you are wasting time and resources. Why yall
were so focused on my gender and orientation... I can see that maybe, but I was
focused on physical symptoms and trauma memories. Right from the get go. Before
I even got to the ER. Before Vinewell released me. The nurse turned pale as a
sheet. They didn't check my vitals. They let me go. Then EMS had to come pick
me up. Left the water on. The house flooded. So I think the fault can be
divided between myself and Vinewell. Not properly managing Spravato side
effects.
Perhaps I hadn't eaten enough. Perhaps the lose dose aspirin had built
up, throwing off my immune system. I don't know what Anion Gap is, but the
white blood cell stuff, the acetaminophen level, and the CO2 level seem to
suggest something around low dose aspirin and Spravato. Maybe if there is a
next time the ER doc can say something more helpful then "we can't find
anything". That's Bullshit. You know you did. Your name is all over the
lab results. I can't trust you if you don't trust me. It works both ways. So if
you lie to me, I'm not going to tell you anything. We can waste each other's
time. Or file lawsuits.
Don't be ugly with me, and I won't need to shut down or
be ugly with you. Cuz I can go away in my mind... I can talk to Leaves and
Elle... or many other people... people that know how to help... or I can jump
frogs, ride leaves... visit New Zealand... contemplate F-35 contracts... play
Moonlight Sonata... That Ritalin song is nice... made me want to stop taking
Ritalin... Kinda like Chloe Adams... the doctor said...
Understanding trauma is not that hard. But if you don't try,
if you make threats, then people start thinking about lawyers... and this
community has a few... some already contact me. We need to see other people. In
the real world.
They tell me that this is long term. That some things are
fairly permanent. I need rest, nutrition, and a low stress lifestyle. Not
medications, doctors, and hospitals. I'm 43. If you think I'm looking for a
drug hardy, high excitement lifestyle, you're really not paying attention. I
like calm and quiet. I had CAPD/AS. I do not like loud noise, flashing lights,
high stimulation. You can think of me as shemale or feminine/masculine, but you
start talking about it and you are INVITING A LAWSUIT. Do not dehumanize me. Do
not threaten me. People find out. And you then I'm not the only one who looks
ugly. We all do. We can be good people or bad people. We can be in jails or
drugged. We all have choices. You can go to McClean too. Don't make me be
ugly.
I'm not a criminal mastermind, I'm just observant and after
all these years I'm stressed and tired and I've developed patience. So, I'll
just keep waiting for y'all to stop wasting time and be more productive. I've
got to work on my at home skills. See other people. Stop being broke and tired.
I'm not actually that exciting or that dangerous.
I know people with trauma are difficult. I've dealt with a
few. There was a purple heart Vietnam guy in Springbrook. Bigger than me. I can
see how people like that scare other people. The look in the eyes. The
adrenaline and cortisol making movements jerky. The things they say when they
are calm. The things they say when they dissociate. Crazy ass shit. Not so
dangerous with empty hands.
I've been in MIP so very many times. I know all the ways to
be dangerous. It's been decades. I've said things that scare people. I've been
drugged. I pushed a doctor once. Do you really think, knowing every square inch
of that place, after all this time... knowing all the procedures, the strengths
and weaknesses, knowing IT, knowing the community... do you really think,
especially with law enforcement watching me, that anyone is in any real danger?
Am I that smart? Am I that strong? Do you really think I have any desire to
harm these people? I say weird things. Don't get in a twist. I'm not that
smart. I'm not that strong. My counselor is in good health. As far as I know,
Elle and Leaves are doing just fine. Haven't seen either once since 2020. Five
years. I think they are doing just fine. I hope so. I think they've earned it.
I still think that scribing too freely, misdiagnosing,
threatening or manipulating people is dangerous. I have enough records and
witnesses, PRISMA, I can see you and Prichards in court about Bipolar. In the
meantime, let's not waste each other's time.
