I'm building trust and learning about choosing words. Which words for the right times. What strength looks like. What money can and can't do. I would have been a priest, I'm too curious about the world. Maybe that is my undoing. There have been times when I should have spoken up but didn't. There were times I simply wasn't heard. I'm trying to choose companions wisely and communicate clearly. I have to take the world seriously, because it is a serious place. Serious things can happen.
I am not sorry for following the orders of Prichards on THC. That was not my mistake to make. That was the doctor's. I am not sorry for following Artstick's orders on Spravato, that was her mistake to make. I am sorry for not communicating better. I am sorry for spending beyond my means. Those two things I can be sorry for. Those two things alone.
I am not sorry for the small-minded ignorance and hatred of the inpatient population. I am not sorry that my family and some people cannot understand autism spectrum or trauma. I am not sorry for these things.
I am sorry for contacting the nurse. I am not sorry for cutting off people who were being unhelpful.
I regret the misunderstanding and chaos that has followed me from this hospital to that center to the other hospital. I regret that some people have the inability to recognize a good person for they are missing out. I regret the loose mouths and the hateful ignorance.
I reiterate my gratitude to SCDHEC (or whatever it's called now), to the ethical nurses and doctors (the ones that understand boundaries), to Gyphs, Leaves, Molly, and "my women"... To Lost and Rigged... to all the good eggs. wrong and right work both ways. I hope to be able to contribute more, since that seems to invariably be what the world wants... but only the best of me, since that is what it insists on. I hope to keep my peace and earn my keep... to communicate better, so that I might avoid the misunderstandings of the past. Hospitals can be dangerous places. I've seen dangerous things happen in them. I've seen times when dangerous things could have happened but did not. My health seems fragile enough and the medications unreliable enough that I fear trying to get off disability. But I have some job applications in and I continue to look for part time work suitable to my bizarre arrangement of skills.
This gets much more traumatic, I might just have to apply to graduate school and become a trauma counselor myself. In the end, trauma is a matter of perception. I've had every concept of myself challenged and again. I've gone without emotional comfort. I've been through various medical symptoms. I've had extreme moments of dysregulation and confusion. I'm tired of it. To the ignorant, I am sorry you are not able to understand these things. I suppose I could have said more. I didn't realize it was necessary. There was a lot of not hearing going on. I would really like to mind my own business now.
I'll always remember the good eggs. If I can do right by them, that's good enough for me. We know more now about autism and trauma then we did in the 90s, so let's apply that knowledge. Me, I'll try to watch what I say and get more done at home where I can keep a safe distance most of the time.
Loyalty means sticking it out when times are tough. Loyalty means having the courage to point out other people's mistakes or misjudgments in tactful ways to help them do better, not blindly aiding them to commit errors. Loyalty is not blind obedience. Loyalty means being loyal to what a person stands for, not necessarily what they do. Standing by them while calling them out is more loyal than helping a person to make mistakes.
Being firm about boundaries is actually a service to another person, even if they cannot see that. When they realize they were wrong, they will be grateful if they are worth keeping. If they never realize they were wrong, or don't have the ability to forgive a misunderstanding, then they were never worth keeping.
A wise man makes decisions based on facts, not a lack of information. Thus, a wise man sometimes must consider that he doesn't know all the facts, and therefore a wise man makes decisions based on the facts he does not know but can infer from situational factors. Further, a wise man does not speak when he does not know all the facts.
Even the most educated man can act the fool. All it takes is some misplaced assumptions and the heat of passion, or simply a lack of good judgement. I have known many educated men to do many foolish things and say many foolish things, despite having very high placed degrees. Having letters after your name does not make you invincible.
I think Restraint and Humility go hand in hand. I think strength without good judgement is worthless. Restraint means being able to do something but choosing not to do it. It is easy to hurt someone. It takes restraint and humility to hold back the words or the hand that does the actual harm. It takes humility to recognize that harm is not wise. Maybe only a fool would have walked back into that emergency room. A small man might have said something ugly to Dr. Darcy when he had the chance. Or even been violent. I feel like I exercised restraint and humility. It takes a bigger person to turn away from the past. It takes a bigger person to forgive. I did not feel like that first ER visit was handled well. I called that ambulance for a reason. The Spravato did not check my vitals before releasing me. My heart rate surged. Cold and clammy. I justifiably thought I might be dying. Weak and faint. I called for a reason. It was just nice to see a different response this time.
Today, I'm focusing on cleaning and exercise, writing, and some light accounting research. I need to stay focused.
I like doctors and nurses because they are educated and they focus on helping people. I think aripiprizole helps maintain calm. I think Bipolar is at best an oversimplification and clozapine is out of date. I think if a man is disabled, that necessitates a change to relationship dynamics. How can the man be disabled and still be the breadwinner? It makes no sense. Not in today's world where couples struggle to survive on one full income. Rigid rules of gender Conformity make less and less sense in a modern society and yet some people still cling to them like whites clung to slavery long after it stopped having even the veneer of sense to it. Modern society requires flexibility. It requires seeing beyond stereotypes. In an age of AI, it makes zero sense to me to cling to stereotypes promoted by out of date concepts. You can still have faith and God but at the same time see that the Bible was written thousands of years ago in a much different time by much less educated men with much less technology. God did not create life to remain static and unchanging. Life is by definition changing. Otherwise it is not life. One can still remain true to God and to faith and be open to growing and changing. I believe that was God's intention and that love thy neighbor means exactly that. It doesnt mean love thy neighbor UNLESS. It doesnt mean love love thy neighbor UNTIL. It means love thy neighbor. Love thy neighbor if they are white, black, orange, purple. Love thy neighbor male, female, autistic, disabled, whatever. If the Bible was meant to be a rigid cross checked formula for exactly how to live life, then Im sure God would have made a commandment, crosscheck the passages to find hidden meanings behind my words to nullify the exact meaning of what I say. Read into what I say until my words become meaningless. He did not say that. Why would he say that? It is a desperate man who clings to hidden interpretations of the Bible. It is a desperate man who uses hidden interpretations of the Bible to justify hatred and bigotry.
My first impressionist painting is sunlight peeking through wisps of dark clouds.
