Anyways, not everything is about me. Over a million people around here. I'm just trying to get by. I'm going to work on enhancing my calm. Enjoying work, hobbies, getting some exercise, picking one of those places to volunteer, writing. Maybe some paint. 

    I just realized something. This was supposed to be a voyage of self discovery. What's frustrating is certain persons controlling nature, insistence on being right, and dishonesty with myself and with my health care providers. I thought maybe these things would get resolved in private, but some people are far too stubborn. Pride is dangerous. It leads people to do foolish things. Sometimes, all you can do is walk away, when there is no listening and no room for differences.

You knooooooooow...

    Maybe that's what I was missing all along. Maybe the only thing my family really needs to know is that it's not Bipolar, it's Autism. And that their control freak nature is destroying any chance of anything real. Who knows. But hey, anyone that wants to know me, use the golden rule. Not that hard if you try. 

Autism and the DMH

    Work was slow this morning, though yesterday was fairly busy. I've got another shift later. The only remaining issue with the medication is the Abilify. I'm taking it for autistic irritability. Unfortunately, at 5mg while it improves my mood significantly, it sometimes causes dystonia, which is painful. Right now I'm taking 2.5 mg, which helps, but I'm not sure it gives the full effect and it still gave me some mild dystonia once. So I'm meeting with the PA on Thursday. The other one that is indicated for the same problem is Risperdal, which I've taken before. The main thing I remember about it is that it has really bad weight gain effects as you increase the dose. So I'm a little on the fence about trying to stay on the 2.5 of Abilify or trying 1 mg of Risperdal. The other medications in the class are not indicated for autism. 

    There are some alternative medicine approaches and some off label things for autism in general. I've actually tried all of them. Zyprexa (Had to D/C, can't remember why), Latuda (gave me dystonia), low dose naltrexone (not widely available in low dose form), N-Acetyl Cysteine (I'm going to try this), Clonidine (Makes you sleepy)... 

    Personally I feel that the Bipolar label has done a lot of harm and distracted from the real problem, Autism. Yet some people can't get enough of it. There are solutions for Autism, however. I think I'm very close to the optimal combination for me, which involves Vyvanse, some antidepressants, a beta blocker, and a special diet. The special diet helps manage side effects, idiopathic constipation, reflux, and helps to increase antioxidants and reduce inflammation in general. People love to give me hell for having special needs, which only makes survival that much harder and makes my med staff work harder. So I encourage all the haters to MYOB.

    Interestingly, THC helps to reduce inflammation just like many of these medical treatments, but the medical treatments don't bring me the harassment and BS that THC does. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em. I'll do what I have to do to manage my symptoms. Though I think it's a massive waste of health care resources to run mental health units the way they are run. If providers shut their mouths and open their ears, they could save themselves some time and work. Some are better at that then others. Here's hoping. 

    I didn't actually choose autism or the inability to tolerate certain medications. I'm playing the hand I was dealt. I'm finding that this way is working, however. While I do miss eating out more, I've found that controlling what I eat more carefully has led to great improvements in my quality of life and symptoms. Instead of soda or beverages with sugar, stevia beverages, herbal teas, vitamin waters, electrolytes, some magnesium, zinc, ashwagandha, l-theanine... natural substances that my brother loved to demonize when I was getting off Clozaril. Some people (MDs) just loooove control. Not that he was entirely wrong, but overly hostile and controlling. 

    I wish the mental health system gave even more instruction on nutrition, antioxidants, and natural remedies, as well as conflict resolution and boundaries instead of being label focused. 

    Other then deliveries, I'm focusing today on my stories. I'm trying to alternate between the civil war one and the funny stories to give myself some flexibility. 

    Some people literally can't tell the difference between dissociation and psychosis and I find that to be quite puzzling. Especially when they work in mental health. 

    I do understand that autism is not a "popular" problem to have. Especially after that guy murdered all those people and tried to use autism as an out. However, it's a very real and well documented problem. Just as real as, say, Bipolar. 

    Interestingly, Haldol is used off label for autism. I did not know that. I'm finding the anti-inflammatory lifestyle to be key. I do cheat sometimes, but I pay for it. Red meat actually can hit me pretty hard. Ultra processed foods or foods high in sugar like ice cream can throw me for a loop.

    Really my problems come down to a mental health system overly obsessed with Bipolar, lacking knowledge on dissociation, lacking knowledge on autism, and having poor boundaries. As my friend George said, some people should not work in mental health. That crazy doctor still works at CCBH. Absolute moron. Intelligence of a gnat. Waste of public dollars. The day they retire that man, I'll have to raise a glass. I have never seen such vast ignorance and incompetence wrapped up in one self obsessed, arrogant prick such as he. They need to send him back to med school. He is a determent to society. That is all he is. A disgrace to the license. He loved Hobbits. He should stick with that.