Writing feels exciting to me. I figured out the climax for the civil war story. It's fun when the characters feel alive. The climax is shortly after the burning of Chambersville when a group of confederates argue over a woman and a black man they capture in MD. War exhaustion has fully set in and discipline has collapsed as the war effort crumbles and suddenly its every man for himself in enemy territory when the situation turns deadly between two west virginians, some virginians, and the south carolinians. 

    I'm well aware that people have a hard time believing anything I say, particularly what I'm about to say, but the fact is that I have had a hard time and I need to focus on something productive, something worthwhile. Given my skills and deficiencies, writing this story about Greenville seems like one of the better options. 

    I'm reading Gone with the Wind and Cold Mountain concurrently and then I hope to read The Black Flower. Life is too short to waste time on arguing with people about what I need or to work at cross purposes or to idle everything away. I need something REAL, like this delivery work and the writing. So long as I'm minding the law and paying my bills, there's really no one that can stop me from doing just that. 

    I need people to stay out of my way. I'm rather exhausted of knowitalls, busybodies, bullies and other energy vampires. It's not that I enjoy being blunt. But as I explained to the doctors, and they seem to understand this, it's time to stop wasting time and resources and for me to do what I need to do. I'm not making a lot of money but at least I'm doing something productive. The customers seem mostly pleased, and the more I do it the smoother it should go. 

    So that's my plan. I'm going to mind my own business. I wish everyone well in my absence. Before long it will be the holidays. I plan to keep a low profile, maintain focus. I've had enough excitement. Once I've really made some headway on my work and writing and seen a period of calm, then I can worry about being social. For the time being I don't have the energy to spare. 

    My thoughts revolve around the work and my writing. I feel I have wasted so much energy and time in unproductive pursuits and have become so conscious of my mortality that I am obsessed with what I produce and impatient with the process. I debate over key creative decisions and brainstorm on characters and plot almost incessantly when I'm not working, but it's a relief to be focused on work and writing rather then health and hospitals. 

    I think a lot about how to deal with key aspects of this Civil War story, especially slavery and societal attitudes of the time. I want to be realistic but not boring. I think I'll need to read Uncle Tom's Cabin. If I'm going to finish this project, I'm going to need to exercise my patience. Learning enough detail of the events, the culture, the dialects, the people and generating the story will all take time.