Trade-offs and Mental Health

    The question I come to in mental health these days is: what is realistic? Is it realistic to push the doctors and the medications so hard that my doctors quit and the meds cause ER visits? Is that realistic? I said this because I can't be the only frustrated one. I think that I've pushed the limits of psychiatry pretty well, from the feedback I've gotten. 

    So what is realistic? What is realistic with autism-adhd plus whatever you want to call whatever the rest of it might be? I'm trying to find out. Realistically, my job is to do what I am able, no less and no more, just like anyone else I suppose. 

    I feel I've attracted so much controversy that it blows my mind how much controversy there is. I almost want to get retested just so they can verify that yes, facts are facts. Autism is real. ADHD is real. The rest of it is... whatever the rest of it is. I'm not going to argue. 

    I'm just so tired of people being so curious about my life. It's really not that interesting. I think most people would consider me somewhat boring. I have a few personal possessions, but it's really not what people make it to be. It's not a life to be envious of, unless you're starving and homeless. 

    I'd like to be less interesting. I'm really not that important. This is me being humble, being honest. My life is not some mythical thing. It is a person trying to get by. I do not have some secret plan. I don't think the doctors do either. We're just dealing with what we've got. Maybe some unrealistic expectations of what medicine can do. 

    I'd like to reiterate: 1. No, I don't have money, please stop asking. I'm not a bank. 2. Yes, I do have autism, it's a real thing. 3. Refer all other questions to someone else. I have enough of my own. I'm rather certain the doctors are doing everything they can. I think making someone repeat themselves should be categorized as a misdemeanor. I'm trying to focus on being thankful. 

The End

     I think my biggest mistakes were not taking autism spectrum seriously, trusting Assmussen when I shouldn't have, believing that medication could do more then it actually does, going to McClean, and spending too much time in hospitals. In the aftermath of Prichards' abrupt resignation, I wish I would have been firmer and stronger. I wish I would have communicated better. 

    I regret allowing Leaves and Molly to shoulder blame. It was not their fault. It was a medication clusterfuck with some God complexes in charge. It got rather ugly. So I've withdrawn a little bit. Until I'm strong enough to face the remaining problems. I can't play musical centers/hospitals. Especially when they don't have a fucking clue and they are just pointing fingers. I'm too tired for the bullshit. 

    Given the carousel of medications that I've been on, the misdiagnoses, and all the stress and miscommunication, I have no doubt that it's true that some things are permanent. I think things cannot be undone, drugged away, or swept under the rug sufficiently. I can still walk and talk, I'll take that for a win. I'm tired of playing medication games. I think the only remaining step is to adjust the ADHD meds. Then I can work some and finish my writing. 

    They say I'm never going to have a normal life. It's not exactly a death sentence like cancer, but it can be if I'm not careful. Push too hard and you never know. I prefer not to give the doctors extra work at this point. I still apply to jobs, but with a hesitancy. And I just don't think it's realistic to retake the CPA. I'm not even sure I could pass the EA at this point. 

    The mind needs breathing room. I keep pushing it, who knows what might happen. I had micro seizures on mirapex. I had two comas. I don't think it's wise to push the mind too hard. It can break. I think it's too late. I think I need to focus on what I CAN do, not trying to push the envelope when we've already been down that road too many times. Pushing too hard is a surefire way to end up broken. It's not easy to work when you have autism, it's even harder when you've been through the med trains and the comas and the rest. They need to focus on pushing someone else... the young people who have the energy and capacity for that. 

    Some people cannot recognize true till someone is dead or dying. I think the people in my life should take a few breaths and think about how successful this has been so far. Maybe it's time to stop pushing, take what we can get? Before we hit coma #3? Just a thought. It's not actually the doctors that kill me, it's unrealistic expectations. It's not actually bipolar, it's pushing too hard and being unrealistic about my limitations. That's part of why I need to write. So that people understand the dangers of bad psychiatry. You misdiagnose, you ignore warning signs, you don't pay attention, then you end up with this. ANGER, dysregulation, attention problems, anxiety, spaceyness, depression, neuropathy, headaches, broken relationships, lies and accusations, and on and on from this center to that hospital to this other place over here until the health departments all say fuck it. Or I end up dead from medication gone wrong. It really makes no sense. 

    I need to slow down. I need to lower the expectations. Because this shit ain't kosher, and my doctors will quit, not because of THC or because I pester them too much, but because there's absolutely nothing, they can do to help me if I keep trying to do the impossible. That is the heart of the matter. Medicine has limits, especially with autism spectrum. 

    I've accomplished a lot for someone with my limitations. I need to call it quits while I still breathe. The mind can only take so much. At some point someone is going to have to have the common sense and the intelligence to say, this isn't fucking working. We need to stop. We need to step back. This is not safe. We need to take what we can get while we still can. Even CCBH said it. They said maybe there's some permanent difference that we can't see. Maybe all the meds fucked the brain. Even Prichards said it. Micro seizures. 

    We need to recognize that medication has limits. I'm still good at writing. Take what you can get. It was MIP that started the whole med train thing. ATLANTA SAID NO. No one was listening. By the time I was dumped on McClean it was too late. We had gone too far down the wrong roads, not learned a damn thing. I am a human guinea pig for brain drugs. That's what I am. All the combinations and permutations. Prichards wanted a case study. Well here it is. We done fucked up. Too many drugs, too many misfired careers, pushing too hard, expecting too much... getting nothing but a bunch of bitter and angry people, lots of accusations, and a lot of chaos. 

    This is why I have to step back. It's not worth the risk or the stress on the brain. Need to leave it be. I need to reduce expenses. Retire from professional patient hood. While I still can. I think there's only 3 people who haven't fully accepted this: two of siblings and my father. Maybe someday they'll understand. It's too late. Whatever capacity I may have had, it's not there. I will not have a normal life, I can still have a life, if I slow down, be smart, and go easy on the meds. There is no machine, no drug, no therapy for this. It's fucked. The best thing I can do is tighten my belt. Try, as Arson said, to enjoy life. He wasn't wrong. I know he saw all of this. But there's nothing he can do with unrealistic expectations. With therapy, I can still contribute. It may be hard to accept, but I think the medical community is starting to see it. It's too late. It's time to focus on the people they can help. That's what I want. For the medical personnel to focus on the ones that they can help. We can argue about the reasons, but I know we can all see, if we allow ourselves to, that it's too late for me.

    I think even my brother, who can't seem to see why this is a fool's errand, can see that the medical professionals are at their wits end. It's time to stop pushing. Before there's another medical error, or God forbid a stroke. I tried. I even let them cut me open. It's time to stop. I say that not only out of compassion for myself, but for my professionals. It's time to stop. I've been living beyond my means. I need to save money. This life has been a bit of a chaotic mess. But I got to meet a lot of cool people. I got to learn a lot. I got to travel. Now I need to slow down and stay slowed down. There are other people that need help, people with more capacity. There's no redo. I need to focus on finding people that understand. They don't hang out at mental institutions, addiction centers, or places like that. Otherwise, I need a monastery or a small, deserted island. I need some peace. 

Weird Ideas Part V

 

   I don't like it when people get hurt. I don't. But she was all that was standing in the way of me and that key card. People wonder why I get frustrated and angry, it's when other people condescend or stand in my way or make threats. Even for decades after I started having thoughts of hurting health care workers, I didn't realize the anger problems I had. 

    She was a nice lady. I could have attacked her, no one was nearby but I didn't want her to be hurt. I'm not that kind of person. I knew I didn't want to do it so I didn't. She was safe with me. So maybe she wasn't so crazy to go walking along down a dim hall alone and far from the unit at night with a patient. Maybe some men would have attacked a woman half thier weight in an opportune moment in a dark hall. But I'm just not one of them. I just struggle to communicate and get angry.

THC

    I think there's a lot of misconceptions about THC. The biggest for me personally, is that some people think I was addicted to it or that I was "having fun". Wrong. No, I tried it under the advice of a phyisician, it became a whole big thing, and I was taking very small amounts to treat symptoms, not to have fun. To me it was no different than a medication. 

    It was Spravato that became a huge problem. It landed me in the ER with crazy symptoms. It's going to be some time before I feel comfortable discussing what thc and spravato were like, because it was definitely a traumatic event. THC did have an uplifting effect, but the amount of lies and trauma around it makes it unlikely that I will ever try it again. I'm still trying to feel safe in my own skin again, especially around hospitals. 

    They're so busy pointing fingers sometimes that they forget to check the facts. Such as, oh yeah, WE were the ones that prescribed Spravato. SPRAVATO caused the er trip. Facts like that. Inconvenient ones. But no let's demonize and change the story. Great job guys, go fuck yourselves, pretty please. Seriously, you deserve it. Fucked me over pretty good.

Jess... you cant keep going visible just because he's cute. AND STOP BREAKING INTO HOSPITALS.

 

[Whispers] ok, everyone, on three, we run... bob... tie her shoelaces together.

 

Perhaps we don't have to blow up memorial after all... vell, shall we call off Plays with Matches?

Everything is quiet since I'm not around

And I live in the numbness now

Sinking right down.
I do the things I did before
I write stories more and more
And then they say where's that crazy guy
You don't get work a lot and joke no more
I don't see me anymore
Since 2020 came

The plans I make don't have me in them
'Cause dreams come swimming into view
And I'm hanging around the ward like I always used to do
The words they use so lightly
Are oh so far from view
I only know because I, carry me around in the background
I'm in the background

Words they come and memories all repeat
Pain inside like nothing I'd care to meet
And I would never lie to you,
No, I would never lie to you,
I never thought I'd feel so very through
But it feels true...

The plans I make still have you in them
'Cause dreams come swimming into view
And I'm hanging in the ward like I always used to do
The words they use so lightly seem so far it's true
I only know because I, carry me around in the background
I'm in the background

I only know but I am, way,
I'm way in the background.

 

Jess where are you hiding?

 

Sarah don't go after her!!!

This is how we blew it
(This is how we blew it)
(This is how we blew it)
 
This is how we blew it
It was inpatient night and I felt like a fight
The screwup was there on southwest side
So I reach for my BP and I turn it up
Designated doc take the keys to my chart
 
Hit the ward 'cause I'm faded
LPC's in the street say, Ash, you jaded
I feel so screwed by my crew tonight
The summertime jerks and my guys in the ward
All the STAFFERs DIDN'T forget the TEXTING
You gotta get your dx on before you go get discharged
So light up your chart and throw your hands up
And let me hear the staffers say
 
I'm kinda puzzed and it's all because
(This is how we blew it)
Southwest does it like nobody does
 
(This is how we blew it)

To all my doctors, you got much gall
(This is how we blew it)
Let's fuck with the mind, mouth off with a rhyme
(This is how we blew it)

 
This is how we blew it, throw scripts up in the air
Disburse them from here to there
If you're an big time shrink or a wanna-be druggist

You see the pharms been good to me

Ever since I was a lower case P (sych)

But now I'm a big P

The docs see I got the crazy

pumped up chart, y'all

If you were from where I'm from

Then you would know

That I'm gonna get mine cuz I'm fucked in the mind

You can get yours in anotha ward

Whatever it is, the party's underway

So light up your chart and throw tha scripts up

And let me hear the staffers say

I'm kinda puzzed n it's all because

(This is how we blew it)

Southwest does it like nobody does!

(This is how we blew it)

To all my doctors, you got much gall

(This is how we blew it)

Let's fuck the mind, mouth off with a rhyme

(This is how we blew it)

I'm kinda puzzed, it's all because

(This is how we blew it)

Southwest blows it like nobody does

(This is how we blew it)

CCBH, MIP

(This is how we blew it)

I'm no criminal mack an you know that's a fact

(This is how we blew it)

Check it out

Once upon a time in '24

Ashes went texting a nurse off duty

And all they said was he must be stalkin

So they lit up the ward with lies and talkin

There lived a LPC who said that ain't cool with me

she came up to ashes, this is what she said

You gotta tell your story

So the bullshit don't get all the glory

 

Oh, I'm puzzing because

(This is how we do it)

Southwest blows it like nobody does

(This is how we do it)

To all my doctors, you got much gall

(This is how we blew it)

Let's fuck the mind, mouth off with a rhyme

(This is how we blew it)

I'm kinda puzzed, it's all because

(This is how we blew it)

Southwest blows it like nobody does

(This is how we blew it)

Oh, it's analyze time

(This is how we blew it)

Straight up coming from the southwest side

(This is how we blew it)

Oh, some got the 'tude, yeah

(This is how we blew it)

And Ashes knows it like nobody does

(This is how we blew it)

Come on now, Ward

You know that this is how we blew it

This is how we blew it

Yo Elle, this Ashes, RN, the patient, your patient

Elle, I didn't mean to scare you

I'm trying to put this behind me

But the lies about my past are too much

I can't agree with MIP.

I want you to know that I didn't want this to happen

I was sad and afraid

You always looked out for me

But I'm gonna leave you be, peace

Weird Ideas Part IV

So yeah... It's not like I picked her because I wanted to hurt her. I picked her because she was young and just a tech and seemed a little naive. I picked her because she was half my weight. I picked her because she seemed to trust me. But in the end, as angry as I was and as much as I wanted to leave, I didn't want to hurt her. Because I like people. She was sweet. Kind. I liked her too much to hurt her. 

Elle was different. Much more aware. Knew me much better. She knew exactly what she was doing in the storage closet.

Weird Ideas part III - Contingency plans

 

    You always have to have contingency plans. This is certainly not meant to be a primer on how to hurt mental health workers, but I get angry sometimes. And I had contingency plans. So they should just be glad. Because part of me would have attacked that woman. Part of me would have dragged her into that room and knocked her out and beaten her if neccessary.  To get that card and get the hell out of dodge. I'm so tired of these places. You don't get much help in these places. I was THERE for treating a bad Spravato reaction. Not bullshit and lies. You prescribed it. Deal with it.

Weird Ideas p II - Anger Management

     It was a long time ago and I wasn't getting the right help. I had a lot of anger. Like I said she was young. Maybe mid-twenties. About ten years younger. You spend enough time around places like MIP, you get pushed too hard, you don't express your feelings... things can go in weird directions. There was a hall leading from the unit down to the cafeteria. There was a turn. That was the first marker. You go past there, in the evening... No one can see from the unit... not many workers around... sound doesn't carry that great...

    You spend enough time in these places... you get angry enough...

    By the time you get to the X, and it's evening, and there's no one around but you and some 20 something woman about half your weight who's not even paying attention... either she was brave or foolish. Because she carried one of those key cards. And I was tired of that place. All I needed was my hand over her mouth at the X, drag her into 1 or two, and there's no way in hell she would be able to stop me from getting that damn card and somehow disabling her. These doctors, they make angry walking around like Gods, looking down their noses at people like me. Threatening. Manipulating. Because I'm human too, I'm not getting paid for this BS. They should just be glad that I liked her.

    I didn't want to hurt her. She was nice. They should just be glad. Cuz I'm not stupid. And I can figure things out. She would be in 2, and I would have gone not through the visitor's entrance where they would have seen me, but right back up that hall to the exit marked freedom. No one would have caught me fast enough; I would have been gone. And if she had been smart, she wouldn't have stood in my way. But she was nice. I didn't want to hurt her. 

All Roads Lead to...

    It's gotten a little bit mixed up along the way. When I was at Mindwell, there was a nurse that also worked at MIP, B. I told her a little about my time at MIP, and how much Elle had helped me. She said, yeah, she married one of the doctors there. I mentioned Arson. She said yeah, that was him. 

    Maybe mentioning Elle's name in the ER was a bit of my undoing... having contacted her outside the hospital. Because when two people get married they tend to live together and well, knowing her contact information, and that she lives just down the road... not exactly conducive to trust. Perhaps creates one of those lack of independence things, which would explain why Arson angrily quit and I ended up with Gullet and McClinton. McClinton was nice but Gullet could barely look at me. I don't remember saying anything of meaning to Gullet. Oh, I told McClinton plenty about doctors and hospitals, not that she enjoyed it. Things get dicey sometimes. This is why I need to stay out of hospitals. We're getting far too familiar. 

    Anyways, we've almost got the meds straightened out. I need more sleep and to avoid triggers and to balance the ADHD med out. Then it's just the communication and getting more work. Staying outta hospitals.

A Look in the Mirror

     I think any healthcare professional that allows rumors about one of their own to flourish should do the world a favor and quit today. I think any healthcare professional that prefers scapegoats and demonization to doing their job properly should quit today. I think any healthcare professional that takes a paycheck while doing these things need to be retrained or let go. I've been held accountable in my life. I've been trained or let go from time to time. Accountability is a good thing for the system. The idolatry of doctors is not healthy. Making money promoting drugs with faulty numbers can and should be called out (here's looking at you, Malacheck). 

    I'd to thank SCDHEC yet again for taking action on CCBH. I feel that it is necessary to do so. I feel that it is necessary to have health care employees held accountable for thier actions, such as instructing someone to kill themselves, going after their family for 50,000$ of malpractice, and not having a fucking clue or even trying. I think it is necessary. When abuse happens, it needs to be called out. What doesn't kill you only makes you more determined to fight. If I have to go door to door explaining the problems with Greenville county's healthcare system, then that is exactly what I will do. 

    Is it helpful to misdiagnose, mis-prescribe, to lie, to make excuses, to get paid for making the health of patients worse? That is the malpractice. That is the malpractice. That is the insurance fraud right there. I think it needs to be called out. 

    And patients, is it noble to mouth off about things you have absolutely no fucking clue about? No, it is not. HIPPA exists for a reason. It does. Because when bullshit gets started in healthcare, it fucks up the system. Restraint is a necessary quality in any individual. Common sense and knowing when to shut your mouth is a necessary quality. I have made mistakes. Allowing this kind of bullshit in my life was a mistake. And I'll do everything I can to shut it down. So long as I am breathing. So yeah, let's go public. Let the world be the judge of Bad Psychiatry, medication mania, and all the rest. 

    Threatening patients, intimidation, lying, and force medicating all need to be called out. If you can't do your job properly, take a break, take a vacation, take some continuing education, take an ethics refresher. LEARN HOW TO DO YOUR DAMN JOBS PROPERLY. There are plenty of good workers in the system. But as George said, some people should not work in mental health. I'd like to extend that and say some people should not work in healthcare. God complexes. Mandatory vacations, mandatory retirement, mandatory training, these are all good things. Otherwise, do us a favor and quit. 

RULE NUMBER ONE: THOU SHALT NOT TAKE SPRAVATO! you tend to end up in ERs that way...

RULE NUMBER TWO: You do not, under any circumstances, repeat names of hospital staff in ERs... its not a pretty pretty picture... they dont like me doing it...

RULE NUMBER THREE: you don't mix humor with medical care. It tends to get misinterpreted.

 

Vell... I think this one is sufficiently haunted... which hospital is next on zee list?

    I think the hospital is more then a little bit misguided. Making assumptions, passing out blame and encouraging rumors isn't exactly the effective practice of medicine. It's borderline malpractice. 

What they could do instead is ascertain all the accurate facts, keep non-essential information limited, and coordinate care.

 

Ashes got carried away again? What do we tell the fire marshal?