This is why I need a simple life. I'm not even sure why today has been difficult. I need to stick to a simple routine. As few distractions as possible. Just the essentials. Anyone who doesn't hear from me, I wish well in my absence. 

I calmed for a bit this morning and then the anxiety came back. I feel on edge. I think its because i started leaving the house more often.i need to focus. I just know something is going to happen. And I cant get distracted from doing my deliveries. I finally got them started. 

    I had this dream a couple of years ago, I was in this building and a lot of people I knew were in the building too. But they couldn't see or hear me. And the doctor said it was about being separated from people. I do feel separated. There's this distance between me and them. It's gotten wider and wider. Sometimes it feels like they died and strangers took their places. It feels very ominous. Walking around this way.

Sometimes I get these anxiety attacks... I used to get them in high school. Feeling like I need to run. Ive had them less until rather recently, about 2 years ago, they started coming back.

 I still feel nervous leaving the house. I worry about the future everyday. I always was a one on one type, but these days it's even harder to handle groups. I am really glad to be doing deliveries. I want to focus on that. Gives me peace to drive. I thought I might get nervous about accidents. But its been a while since that one accident. I'm paying close attention, too. 

It makes me very nervous how much people get into my business sometimes. I feel the need for a great deal of space and breathing room. It stresses me out so many people asking so many questions and getting into my space. That's part of why social events are difficult. That plus the formalities, the appearances, the small talk...

    I'm continuing my study of the Civil War by reading a book on secession. Then later I have more deliveries. Soon I'll have to pay a visit to the South Carolina room at the library, the upstate history museum, and the confederate museum to aid in developing my book outline. I'm definitely going to focus some of the book on Bull Run, Chambersville, Columbia, and the Shenandoah Valley campaign. 

I have a feeling something is going to happen. I need to be careful. If anything happens to me, I want my property distributed amongst my nieces and nephews. I want to be buried in Greenville. Not cremated. Buried. 

I'm going to take today to rest. I have work this evening. I won't be answering any communications.

Sometimes I feel like I'm sleep walking while I'm awake. Like I'm in a dream world. There's a storm coming. I dont know when, but its coming. I have to be ready.