I still don't see why the hospital feels lying and threats are appropriate. Or how that helps at all. They really took a giant leap backwards with that. But I can forget. I made mistakes too. That was a long time ago though. If they hadn't been lying and threatening in the er, it didn't have to go that way. But if there's a next time, Bon Secors. I'm sure they can manage to stabilize a bad reaction to spravato more effectively. Not that I take spravato anymore.
Showing posts with label Medical. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Medical. Show all posts
The Whatever
I've been very frustrated with the whatever. Some people call it memory problems. Some called it PTSD. Some called it DID. Some insist on Bipolar. Going in too many directions under the influence of too many medications and professionals was definitely part of the problem.
Diagnosis Soup
Going back to the diagnoses, the ones I truly believe in are ADHD (mild to moderate), Depression (remission), cPTSD/DID, mild Autism Spectrum, mild to moderate CAPD, and the physical ones. Too many whiteboards around psychology and psychiatry. I'd really like to consolidate everything so I can remember it all at once. I don't believe in perfectionism, medicalized or otherwise. I believe in personal space. People get bitter and resentful. They want to tear someone down or control them. I don't like that. Hopefully I can inspire from a distance. Let the kids have their turn. I'm just sick of the demonization. God knows there is something more important in this world then what I do or don't do.
Light vs Dark
I've been struggling tremendously with focus. They never took the Ritalin back so I've tried one here and there. It actually seems to help. Ridiculous for someone to be so afraid to take his own meds. But it's not been easy. I guess some things make sense. The hospital gives me the pills and tries to perfectionize me, I get angry and we both eventually make some mistakes. Then it's the back and forth. It does make sense.
In the 90s we didn't know as much. But I thought the doctors could learn. They could learn from their mistakes. That way they can do better for the kids. I'd be like one of those cautionary tales. I just get upset at all the pills then I get upset at the mistakes, then they're pissed off that I'm pissed off, then they're trading me between hospitals. Then they're threatening jail and restraining orders. It's rather odd. It's a very strange life.
I was like bubble boy. But I didn't intend it to get this far. So now people know some of my darker sides, including sometimes taking hemp products legally as recommended by an MD and catching hell for it. Though Spravato was much more powerful. In my opinion. I still believe that ketamine is fantastic for depression. Though I'm not on it right now. And I've lost interest in looking for miracles.
But there's good sides too, and while my family, former professionals, and some former friends seek professional help, I should focus on some of that. I did play sports, do well academically, and met a lot of cool people. I worked different jobs. I traveled. I was close to the kids. 6 nieces and nephews and at times honorary ones. I've have to think about some of the good parts more. While everyone else seeks professional help.
I do better in smaller groups because of PTSD/AS/CAPD (trauma/autism/auditory issues). I know other people with medical problems that avoid large groups as well. I just don't have the energy to go around and tell everybody what's going on. Sometimes I don't even have the mental clarity.
I like to think of all the people who have helped or have been there. You know? I'll have to mention some of my favorite people. I just can't push too hard. I've got to focus on my writing. It helps me think more clearly and to see the bigger picture. I miss Elle. I hope she's doing well.
I'm told I need more cohesive thinking, more connected memory, a lack of sensory chaos, to avoid stress, and better emotional and impulse control.
Yeah, I think it's starting to make more sense. Hopefully before the lynching mobs show up. Anyways, I figured I'd start publishing everything as quickly as possible just in case. This was supposed to be PG. Now I understand why Prichards wanted complex medical trauma instead of DID.
Work
I keep getting the feeling there's more work to do. I have to make sure I finish this. I cannot fall back into my old life.
I think Im seeing the big picture. But im tired and some people are bad in combination. It's important that I'm around the right people.
My Women
Health
Dear Members of the Community,
Please stop analyzing my health and personal habits. It's wearing me out. It's counterproductive. If you ever want me to stop living in hospitals and doctors' offices, you'll stop asking. Driving me to drink with this shit. Seriously, I'm not a science experiment. I swear to God on one side I've got the medicalization crowd that wants to hyper analyze every perceived fault and on the other the bullshit crowd that knows it's all a load of internalized crap dressed up as DX's. It makes no sense.
Thank you,
Ashes
Plan
I've been asked what the plan is a lot. You may not be familiar with how serious "medically complex" or DID are. It's not exactly hospice, but prognosis isn't great. Permanent disability. Not a normal life. Maybe I'll have a relationship, maybe not. We all gotta die someday. Maybe it will get better. But as the book title says, the body keeps the score. Pretty clear I lost. So, I have to conserve my energy. I may look ok. I promise you; I am not. One too many falls, and all the king's horses and all the king's men... I was trying to work. I'm told that's not realistic. So, I'll try to write. Maybe something will change. Maybe not. I'll let the kids have their turn. Broken mind. Not evil, just broken. Yeah, it's dark. It is what it is. Too tired to fight. You know, I think I'll have one of those parties' people sometimes have when they become terminal. I'd like the process to be happy... ish. Too much medical manipulation. I need to take time to understand this better. It's not that I'm dying anytime soon... but it's coming. Somethings only God can control. It's easier to tell everyone at once, rather than one at a time.
OK, maybe it's not quite that bad. But some people don't know how to mind their own business. They're too busy shaming and manipulating lesser mortals. One of these days I'll rediscover the meaning of "right to privacy". I don't understand why MIP engages with categorizing and demonizing people to such an extreme. Medicalized perfectionism.
Ok
I am indeed ok. I'm not very functional. I still get Angry. But they adjusted the medicine. So I'm living independently. Sinuses have been super bad. Sleep is poor. I definitely have low mental presence. Not terrible. But low. To me, it resembles a mild dementia. A cognitive impairment. One that does not seem to respond to medication. I need to be careful. Sometimes I say the wrong thing. I feel like people sometimes are surprised by what I say.
The team says that boundaries are important and that other people might need their own trauma counselors. Because people have feelings. I do feel that I look stronger than I am. It's not that I enjoy being gone. But I feel like its better that I don't affect people too much.
Sometimes what I miss is talking about something other than me. I can't figure these people out. They act like I'm the devious one.
Sleep
It doesn't look like I'll be going back to Vinewell. They took it off the list. Just as well. I named them as at fault for not checking my vitals. For the hospital visit. But I'm only sleeping a few hours a night. Well, minimum is about 5. Sometimes as much as 7 or even 8. But that's much different from sleeping 9-11 a night. I'd say my sleep has decreased by 40-50%. Maybe that's why she said I was in a deep sleep with Clozastill.
Memory Exercise (Per Clarity Learning Center, 2019)
Repeat after me:
Ashes and Dust's memory is IMPAIRED. He can REMEMBER. He may not be able to RECALL.
Repeat that 63 times and then reconsider being demanding of me.
If you still have the desire to be aggressive towards me, consult a psychologist and then a priest.
Recall
The thing thats most disturbing to me is the memory issues. My memory is not cohesive. It's divided. At any given times, different blocks of the past are more or less recallable. Most of the time there's very large blocks i cannot remember.
Case Study
I guess when Prichards wanted a case study, this isn't what he had in mind. Well, you taught me everything. Maybe I use it. Well, thats kinda funny. I mean... I'm relying on medical advice. Hah. And yet they enjoy being pissed off. That i followed his advice and sometimes still do. That's funny. It really is. I've internalized them. The doctors. The EPS is really bad. That's muscle spasms and restlessness.
SC Hospitals
Dear SC,
I've been fairly vocal on the hospitals. I'm hoping not to see them again soon. Maybe we got to know each other too well. Boundaries are important. People make mistakes. It's because I care that I write. Truly great people do not need too much attention. They find ways to balance the giving and the taking. There's been some back and forth, I'm sure we both said things we did not mean. I'm certain my team is taking good care of me. I do hate clozaril, but it's not used much.
However, I don't want this swept under the rug. I want real change. I do know that MIP has tried. If the hospitals can focus on those boundaries, some positivity and teamwork, and being diligent about abuse and what they teach, then South Carolina will be better for it.
Teaching men that they are dangerous is not wise. Teaching them that one medication is the end all and be all for their life is not wise. Teaching men that they can be gentle and sensitive and still be men, that they can do non gender conforming tasks and still be men is wise. Teaching women to be direct and assertive is wise. Diagnosing men and women based on gender seems unwise. I'm not sure why the difference between genders and different dx's. I think it goes far beyond what the Bible teaches. I don't see the point in shipping people out of state for mental health reasons.
What I say and do seems to upset some person or another on a regular basis and I can only point to my teachers. Mild Autism, mild ADHD, mild CAPD, and cPTSD/DID can't possibly be that upsetting to so many people. Some people go their entire lives with no mental health dx's. I've been micro analyzed and pushed hard. I'm not so smart or so strong as to be everything. In some ways MIP did a lot to try to stop that, even long ago. If I'm fond of specific people, it's because I know them. I don't collect people.
Sometimes people get too comfortable. That's what they call unhealthy relationships or codependence or enmeshment. I see that now. But we got here together. But I do have protective instincts of my own. So, I hope that the community learns tolerance for myself and the people I associate with. I like this place. I'm running out of energy to keep up.
I hope my job is done. I'm tired of warning this state about clozapine, minipress, Bipolar and toxic masculinity. I hope people are listening. I don't like rocking the boat too much. I'm trying to help. If we can be AWARE or MINDFUL or CLEAR, that would be great.
The latest thing the Psychiatrist's are into is Whateverism. It's "I don't care whats wrong just make it stop ". Oh really? That's very astute. Yet I'm the faking criminal mastermind. Because they screwed up and don't want to admit it.
I'm trying to understand why Hospitals lie to patients and play games. It's Dangerous.
De-Bipolarization, Ending the Gender Wars
Science and religion have remarkably different views sometimes. I've known a lot of truly great people. I do know how to fight but I prefer to keep the peace. So if I don't speak you'll have to forgive me. If I don't visit or volunteer, you'll have to forgive me. I'm coming back down from anger. In my own way and time.
Clozana has a way of submerging anger. Of greying the lines and the boundaries. But I am not a robot or zombie, nor inherently evil. You treat someone like an animal, that is what you will get. You treat them like a human being with independent thought and the potential for good will, you might just get that. Now the world can witness the effects of legalized drugs and miseducation. I hope Belmont is paying attention. Before I get to that lawyer point. Because it gets messy. And we got here together. Even the lawyers seem nervous. That says something.
Anyways, back to boundaries and one size definitely does not fit all. People are not products. We can't just standardize and duplicate. Genetics and human experience are not that malleable. Cuz we can bipolarize till the end of time. Winston Churchill. Robin Williams. Maybe they just tried too hard, took things too hard. Maybe they didn't understand their limits sometimes. But rather then have the FBI following me around looking up my ass and shooing off angry professionals, maybe we can all sit down and shut up a little. That would be nice. I really don't have time for anyone else's problems unless I'm being paid or on contract. I tried to help some people while helping myself. I'm not sure we're happy with the results. My head hurts. I've got people pulling me in different directions. "Me, Myself and Irene" and "What about Bob?" may seem funny and "Girl Interrupted" and "Split" may seem a bit demonic, but in truth DID is not a movie. It's rather serious like everything else in the real world. It's a name for a problem. For going in too many directions at the same time with no limits. Everything to everyone. Jack of all trades, master of none. A little too worldly. People do die. I'd like to die the non-violent and/or grief filled way. Let other people shine. It's their time. I've been charted plenty.
I'm getting older and my body is telling me that I have limits. My brain is telling me that it can't figure out all these freaking hospitals and these doctors. The lawyers seem as confused as I do. But I'm not sure what we're teaching these people with these drugs and cycling them through hospitals and prisons. I definitely, 100% believe in nutrition as a guide for mental health. I need to be careful what I put in my body. I also believe I need to be careful what I let into my mind. Don't believe everything you hear, they say. Look out for number one, they say. I've heard a few voices. The ones that aren't real are based on past experiences. Dressing up trauma as bipolar or psychosis is one of the oldest tricks in the book. It's been happening since the beginning of Psychiatry. Before that it was demons and mind control and conspiracies. Some Psychiatrists need some correction. Some Psychologists too. Maybe they learned, maybe they didn't. Atlanta tried to say no. Riggs was concerned. Belmont and Greenville weren't listening. IS ANYONE LISTENING OUT THERE? I hope so. My liver can only take so much.
People are not products. DO NOT MANUFACTURE ME. My expiration date is coming up eventually. I need rest. You know, Prichards did try to say something from time to time. Once, before Atlanta and MA. I remember that for sure. Too much experience. Drugs can't compensate.
Happy about Something
The foot numbness is gone!! Now it hurts. The arch. Right foot. But this is good news! The headaches and the face pain also seem slightly better. I celebrated by buying a new hammer, replacing some toilet flappers, and picking out replacements for some damaged furniture from the Memorial Day Sale. A new recliner sofa, dark faux leather, and a new recliner, coffee colored. I'm going to have to throw out the futon. Unless anyone wants a futon with a broken leg? It's gonna rain again and I'll have to dig out my backyard drain... always clogs. Hopefully today I'll get some more cleaning done, review the recipes from the nutritionist, maybe exercise, write, and then tomorrow set up that printer so I can print out and mail taxes.
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