sick

    My family and the hospital are not being realistic about the nature and severity of my mental illness, and that is a huge concern. They believe I am more functional than I actually am and that the difference can be attributed to THC, which is false. This worries me because if I need help, they will treat the wrong problem with the wrong solutions and I won't get the help I need, and I feel that I'm likely to need help, given the debilitating nature of DID. Mental Health has many myths, this is one I was not aware of. 

    It makes me very nervous around family and hospital staff, because I don't know what to expect. Sometimes it takes me a while to recover from an encounter. The stress exhausts me and sometimes makes me physically sick. 

Headaches

 To me, the weirdest part is the strange headaches I get. It feels like different parts of my skull want to come off. Last night I only got four hours of sleep. I cant get myself to sleep enough. I worry about the future. Especially when it seems like the hospital does not have my best interest at heart. 

Conversation is hard. I don't feel like I can be myself with people. after every conversation, I feel like I think of five different ways I could have said something else. At times I feel betrayed.

Like the hospital was never working for me. And they seem more interested in burying it, then understanding what the real problem is. 

Combinations

    I'm finally breaking my combinations. Cleaned out my professionals, isolated myself from social influences, de-numbified and de-drugged, took control of my healthcare, took control of my life, de-perfectionated... re-educated myself and took some guilt and anger off my plate. It was definitely a mistake to go gonzo with hospital insurance as a minor and drug it up. I needed to deal with my problems, controlling and toxic personalities that were in my life. People that wouldn't take no for an answer and were never satisfied. Been kicked around too long. 

    Some people were desperate for me to have bipolar. Because it avoids all responsibility. It puts the blame on the genetics and the drugs. Not on the relationships and the miseducation where it belongs. DID truly is a social problem. It's all about façades and lies and bad combinations. It's about a lack of communication. And it leads to things like not being able to maintain employment, unstable relationships, dysregulation, and risky behavior. And Hospitals have trouble unwinding that kind of stuff because you've got to treat the whole problem, not just part of it. And sometimes the world does not want to change, no matter how much an individual wants to change. 

    So, I've been making it excruciatingly obvious to the people around me what's not ok. Little by little. And I've cut them out and I'm waiting to see if they change. So that I can consider whether to let them back in. Again, 2 comas. It's been enough. 

    The quiet life can be quite nice. Less keeping up with the joneses and a slower pace. If I can keep improving that credit score and find some healthier people to have in my life, then I'll be ok. 

Vengeance

    Vengeance is not strength. Forgiveness is strength. I need to forgive. I can't forget, though. I have to remember in order to make sure I don't repeat the past. 

What she wanted

I believe that what she wanted was to remove me from this place. Plant me somewhere new as someone new. But I have work to do. Some clean up. And no resources to move. Until they tell me the evidence is not there, that there are no other victims, and with no resources to make a change, both my morals and materials dictate that I stay here. I barely know what I would do somewhere else on my own. This is all I have known.

Identity Issues

    Angry gets a little distracted. He has identity issues. Sometimes he thinks he's Irritable. Other times he's annoyed. Now and then he switches it up, goes for amused or afraid. He is good at Sarcastic. Now and then he randomly falls in love.

Mixed Messaging

     Where was I? Ah, yes, Angry. See, I don't actually know who reads this stuff.

    Anyways, I'm down to an irritable and slightly restless. somewhere around a 5. Maybe just like I don't need to sue half the east coast, I don't need to have everyone arrested. It just frustrates me when people engage in willful ignorance and unhealthy behavior. I had a really bad day when we had low air quality and my allergies kicked into high gear. But pain is inherently subjective.

    I need to save my words for when they are useful. The team has worked hard, and I have to respect that. So, I won't be able to be at family events. These events tend to make me upset and there's dysfunctional behavior going on. And it's not my business what people do on their personal time unless they make it my business. Like the tech at the wellness pavilion mouthing off. If someone's on the clock I don't need their 411. We all have work to do. I gotta focus on mine: reducing anger, working on real life skills. There is no anger reduction pill. They don't actually exist. 

    But I need to look beyond my everyday life and see that bigger picture. The bigger picture of how we all affect one another, what we contribute, and what doesn't work. 

    Fear can be so powerful. It draws lines between people. 

    When the medical board came back with their response, it was frustrating. They felt the situation was dangerous enough to say something to Prichards, but not dangerous enough to really do anything. Yet I didn't prescribe myself those pills. My only remaining frustrations with the meds are the threat of further dystonia, impaired executive functioning (This may be permanent), and that they don't arrest all of the mood swings.

Spidey on di wrong leg aggen. Just a liddle. Nest eerly.

Ennywaze...

Ennywaze, I hope you've enjoyed my crazy. I have to slow down, have better boundaries and take care of myself now. I need to control my anger. Maybe sue a psychiatrist, free of undue influence. Find my own peace. A black widow. That kinda thing. Get rid of these Munchhausen like, bipolarized psychociations. I'm going to keep working on improving my recall, socializing, and try to write some fiction. Just exercise caution around Italians and also around woodruff road.

Thanks

Memory Cohesion Study (NIH)

"Collective memory is inherently selective (Rajaram and Pereira-Pasarin, 2010; Hirst and Echterhoff, 2012). When people recall the past some details are retrieved while other fail to enter into conversation. The consequence of those items not retrieved has become of increasing interest in understanding how distinct memories become increasingly similar across individuals."

    So, if person A remembers his childhood one way but is too close to B, C and D, He may have trouble remembering his childhood because the group creates a myth of what his life was like, when it really was nothing like that. They may have a narrative for who he is and what he does, even down to dictating where he lives, who his health care providers are, what his DX is, what his meds are, What his treatment plan is, he'll have no privacy and no respect and no life, but it'll look medically perfect until the strain breaks the system. Which may be why so many medical professionals believe that my family is harmful to my wellbeing. Maybe. 

    I suppose that could change. 

Thing is, every time i talk to them they're indocrinating me. Which is why we don't talk. Because its not real. They don't actually know me. I'm definitely not whoever they say I am. Im just some disabled guy. Who tried too hard. Now his liver is half shot, he cant recall, his life is empty, and he has trouble with routines and sequences of tasks. I need someone to know the real me. That's why I firewalled "my women" and the PA. So I can remember and not burn out. 

So, to use my social worker skill, hopefully my FAMILIES will keep thier noses out of my life, MIND THIER OWN BUSINESS, and stop being so incredibly CONTROLLING. It's been incredibly unhelpful. Multistate clusterfuck unhelpful.

Memory Cohesion Study

I've been reading a research paper on memory cohesion, but among individuals in a community.

Memory Cohesion Study

To do...

Let's see...

throw ccbh under di bus?

check.

throw mip under di bus?

check.

Prichards?

mmmhmmm...

Malacheck?

too late.

so tomorrow?

Same bat website, same batty writer.

Interpretation of a traumatic event

I remembered something about trauma. It's been said that an event that one person finds traumatic is not always interpreted the same way by others. So, differences in perspective and perception may explain the different reactions and the confusion around me. But I'm feeling better with the changes in the weather. Summer is bringing out something different. A sense of relief at last, though that doesn't mean its completely over. Waves. Moving through steps.

 

Dey Gwow up so slow...

George

Enmeshment, in a psychological context, refers to a blurring of boundaries between people, often family members, leading to over-dependence and a lack of individuality. This can result in difficulties with autonomy and independence, impacting family dynamics and relationships. 

Key aspects of enmeshment:

Blurred Boundaries:

Enmeshed relationships lack clear personal boundaries, making it difficult for individuals to distinguish their own needs, feelings, and boundaries from those of others. 

Over-involvement:

Family members become overly involved in each other's lives, often to the detriment of their own autonomy and personal development. 

Lack of Autonomy:

Enmeshment can lead to a loss of individual identity and the inability to make independent decisions or pursue personal interests. 

Over-dependence:

Individuals in enmeshed relationships may become overly dependent on others for emotional support, validation, or guidance. 

Examples:

A parent who constantly interferes with their child's decisions, a child who feels they must always make their parents happy, or family members who feel responsible for each other's happiness and well-being

Drained

    This has been a draining experience. It's gone in the strangest directions. Trying times must come to an end. You know, when this all started, people seemed to find it interesting, almost like a thrill. It's not actually that strange of a concept. People forget that everyone plays different roles, takes different perspectives from time to time. The truth can appear different from person to person. I was reminded of the Trinity. Even God has parts... Father, Son, Holy Spirit. I started some self-exploration, and it got too interesting for everyone. Medication can be truly frightening as well. I wanted people to know the real me. It got out of hand.

    South Carolina is angry enough. Let me go see about Massachusetts... maybe they're bored... I hear Samoa is nice my time of crazy...

People

    There was a time when I thought I had some understanding of people. I did love psychology. I'm so tired of trying to understand people. I write these words hoping someone might find some comfort in knowing that someone else out there struggles. When we're all just walking around, it's not so clear. Sometimes people say the strangest things. 

    Now I avoid people. It's gotten too difficult. I keep getting pushback. I don't understand the program. Then they get angry that I don't get it. As if I'm trying to obstruct. I'm just breathing, folks. Waiting for y'all to figure out what you want. I'll still be here when you do. Just make sure to keep it simple. Don't make me run around, waste my energy and my time. I've done that enough. I just don't get it. 

    Now it's like shooting in the dark, tired of getting hit. Sometimes hospitals try too hard. They try to accomplish too much in too little time, then get mad when it doesn't work out. Kinda like a fools rush in thing. I'm still trying to figure so many people out, and they're tired of trying to understand my lack of understanding. I've had many people like me. Now it seems hard to do. 

Return on Investment

I cannot swing too far to either side. I have to stay in the middle. I cannot indulge in liberalized medicine. I cannot indulge in revenge. There's work to do. Just because my life has changed does not mean that the world has stopped. It's still moving and there is so much going on. But I have to be sure of my footing. Walking blindly is not the path. Each day I have to remind myself of the goals and the directions. I cannot get off track now. I've come too far. They say I am strange, but this road might be stranger in that I'm definitely walking between groups. Have the liberal doctors repented, like I have? Are they being more careful? Are there others? Were there other houses full of pills? It seems like an important question. Because I know not everyone had the same experience. I know that the hospital is different now. And the CBT BS? Toxic masculinity? The meds? Have we truly learned? I hope so. I'm having trouble getting out of the past. I know that it's gone. They are replacing MIP. People are moving on. But I still get angry. All that danger to self or others crap. All that psychosis BS. Just to keep the pills moving. I got a little off track. I became their demon. The one they couldn't fix. Pushed too hard. Didn't understand CAPD or AS. Now we do. We understand nutrition better. We understand what people actually need better. But I've moved between anxious and fury a few times. I need to keep it lower. If it gets too high, I can't function. And if I get too angry that gives them an excuse to demonize. When they have their own faults they conveniently ignore. Go ahead, pass the blame around. We have to stop the cycle of blame and drugging. I don't always have the right words. I'm sure they will let know me know when I'm ready for more.

New Idea

Here's a new idea:

If you want me to stop lying about my families, stop lying to me and others about myself.

If you want me to respect doctors, respect patients. 

If you don't want me playing games, don't play games with me.

If you want me to stop idealizing, stop idealizing me.f

If you want me to stop threatening, stop threatening me.

Don't put me in a toy house and pull my strings and expect me to smile and kiss the royal ring.

Don't sweep your colleagues mistakes under the rug and demonize me and expect it to go away.

I have freedom of speech. Get freaking used to it. If you ever want to see me again.

Just stop being assholes and I will too.

Deal? Let's not make talking through lawyers necessary. 

I'll be more able to work and mind my own business and all that if people stop messing around with me.

And my mike truly has been <coughassholeahem> not very nice but I'm sure he's sorry and I'm sorry for calling him an asshole and maybe if we both quit we can be on speaking terms. Y'all just push my nephew too hard and I don't appreciate it. I know how he feels. I'm rather sick and tired of my families. Some people never learn. Bad in combination. Too much drugs is bad. Even by prescription. Back off of Angry and maybe Angry can back off.

Rotation

 So some of the things I'm suggesting for hospitals are appropriate for individuals. Rotating people in your life helps to keep it fresh and growth oriented.

I'm not actually anti-science. I just want responsible science with accuracy. And not teaching people BS about chemical imbalances. Some people really do have bipolar. Whatever i have, its not what I was led to believe it was.

My conscience has been heavy. I don't like knowing what I know about my county and my life. I want my life to be different. I'm waiting for my lawyer to get back. He's going to help me move in the right direction with my name. Social Security and I don't get along. I have to change one more time.