Drug Demons

Something that hadn't occurred to me until recently is how interesting people seem to find me. It was rather disconcerting at first. Being the last born of educated parents can affect the mind. Sometimes, people don't realize and make it worse.

If you get the wrong types of attention, it can distort the mind. Interpretation can run amuck. It's easy to get labeled bipolar, especially if you're male. Doesn't mean the label is helpful or the medications either. Highly perfection oriented populations can misdiagnose so easily. Distorting someone's perception of the world and themselves isn't hard to do. Creating chaos, through highly traumatic events or through unpredictable and varied demands will create people with many talents and little consistency. It will make them act bipolar. No chemicals required. They will rise and fall and be agents of chaos, because that is what they were taught. You don't have to go to McClean to know what messed up is. While some dx's like DID are rare and not well understood, they are not so rare in fact. Because these problems, they have like problems, and some hide better then others. The symptoms shine through. For DID and borderline, it's those patterns. Very well defined patterns. Reinforced patterns. Locking up people with patterns is like locking a bunch of thieves in an art museum. What will they learn from each other while gazing on valuable things they cannot have?  How will they heal? There's a few dozen geniuses with psych MDs that are so incredibly allergic to the truth. They can't see how they are part of the problem. They don't want to see. They want the reputation and money. It's sad. Promoting drugs and finding problems with people. It's truly sad. They may think I'm the insect they couldn't quite kill or stop from buzzing. But I am the warning. I am the warning of what fault finding can bring. Now they need to see that reflection. So the world can be safer. Demonizing people creates exactly that: demons. Drugged, useless demons. So great job guys, I'm sure we all appreciate it.

Notes to Selves

2 Do not return to MIP

3 Do not file reports before checking with Team

2 Do not talk to family

5 Do not think about law

5 Do not speak to or contemplate MIP

7 do not contemplate prescription medications

6 Stay home

5 Do not contemplate the general community

4 Dot not misplace anger

4 be careful with the sense of humor

1 Keep noise down

5 Do not get creative with dealing with the past

4 Do not try to help people atm

5 do not worry if internet connection comes in and out

5 if password reset links randomly show up, contemplate the positives and negatives of filing reports or saying weird things.

4 Mind my own business

That said, a thank you to my team for listening. I'll be quiet now. This is waaaaay too much like "The Departed"... from numb to very aware. No longer care. Not my business. I am not a federal agent. I am not undercover. I am minding my own business. Now I'm retired from medicine AND law enforcement. What else can I retire from?

I'd like to remind everyone to be aware that my hearing is excellent. Maybe Going deaf is a good idea...

This was so much more interesting at a theoretical level.

I'm going to think about my life choices, take some vacation.

A note to charities: Please don't call. I don't actually have any money. I appreciate what you do, really, but I am literally broke and I'd rather spend the money tipping the delivery guy.

7:2

Oceans apart, day after day

And I slowly go insane

I hear your voice on the line

But it doesn't stop the pain

If I see you next to never

But how can we say forever?

Wherever you go, whatever you do

I will be right here waiting for you

Whatever it takes or how my heart breaks

I will be right here waiting for you

I took for granted all the times

That I thought would last somehow

I hear the laughter, I taste the tears

But I can't get near you now

Oh, can't you see it, baby?

You've got me going crazy

Wherever you go, whatever you do

I will be right here waiting for you

Whatever it takes or how my heart breaks

I will be right here waiting for you

I wonder how we can survive

This romance

But in the end, if I'm with you

I'll take the chance

Oh, can't you see it, baby?

You've got me goin' crazy

Wherever you go, whatever you do

I will be right here waiting for you

Whatever it takes or how my heart breaks

I will be right here waiting for you

Elle + Leaves

My friends,

You got me to here. I want you to know that you are safe. There is no danger. I made it this far. Do not worry. Molly has me with Coffee Pudding now. They are going to help me. I need to resolve this issue with the old guard. Please be patient. And do not worry. I believe Malacheck's death is suspicious. I'm very concerned about the medical decisions that were made. Some of the medications prescribed. I want our home to be safe. For everyone. It will be ok. I hope I can trust my community to let me understand what happened. Why Malacheck is dead. What these medications did to my mind. Are they safe to be used this way. I was a minor. Decisions were made without independence. I want to understand. I want everyone to be safe. I need you to trust me. You know me. You know I don't want you harmed. That is not who I am.

Ashes and dust

Safety/Threats

I thought I would explain threats of Harm in relation to Dissociation. 

When someone with a dissociative disorder feels overstimulated or high adrenaline, they feel unsafe. For me, I activate the kill switch. I tell someone that seems safe. A professional. No one is in any danger.

Dissociation is much like sleepwalking. Acting on past memories. It's not the same as psychosis, but it looks similar. 

I figured out why I said I was thinking of harming my counselor. The same reason I told that employee at MIP i was thinking of harming her all those years ago. Activating the kill switch. The hospital had a half dozen security there. They gave me a shot of antipsychotics, moved me to IMU. Later, I felt safe again, and i was around her again. She was never in danger. I don't remember her name.

But there is a law requiring notification of the person threatened. I knew that. I just wanted my counselor to know I was feeling unsafe. I felt like they were not letting me talk to her. So, I said i was thinking of hurting her. I had done that before. Maybe they contacted her. Maybe she explained. Maybe not. They don't tell me everything. Observing someone over time, you can learn their patterns, even without Dissociation. They are highly alert, just not present or aware.

Some of my talkers have been white, some black, some Hispanic, some Asian. Women or soft-spoken men mostly. I like diversity. My current talkers (including their teams) are rather diverse. 

Dissociation happens every day, all around the world. People that have PTSD, DID, Borderline... no diagnosis at all... call it living in the past, call it sleepwalking, dementia, whatever you call it... medication is not great for it. Grounding. The right sensory input. Sometimes you need someone different to do it.

Someone with DID is sleepwalking in a major way. Living in the past. Repeating patterns. I think that Gabapentin makes this worse. Benzos can too. Minipress. Red pill. Minipress can bring you down, but if you're on a large dose, and you come off, then you're walking around looking for what you were doing before. Like with Leaves of September. I was looking for a while. I came off Minipress and I was looking for a while. I bought that gun because I was afraid. I didn't want to be lost forever. I wanted to keep me here. Adrenaline. Dissociation. Patterns. I don't know if the Matrix was referring to Minipress and Propranolol, but one is red and the other is blue. It can be alarming if you don't know what you're looking at. Being calm is the best strategy. Making threats raises adrenaline. Yelling raises adrenaline. There was talk during covid of safe zones. Same concept. People become alarmed, they act on the past. Sometimes there is no danger. People become afraid of Protectors, but that's not really how it works. See, a protector can protect anyone, or even groups of people. It's a safety function. People with conflicting patterns can be dangerous together. Other times people with similar patterns are dangerous together. That's why we talk about systems. Whether internal or external, parts have to flow together. Sometimes, someone with DID can be around others without it, and those others can get the idea that they have DID. Transference. See, trauma counselors understand this stuff. Austen Riggs understands this stuff. Observing patterns, suggestion, managing projection. Using sensory and intellectual tools. DID can be complex, and the antidote is simplicity. Grounding. Calm. Taking breaks. changing mindsets. Some people call it switching. Taking turns. It can happen internally or externally. 

Arson

Arson is the only attending I still know. Arson doesn't like Ashes and Dust very much. It reminds him of the failures of himself and his colleagues. The Medication Mania and Medicalized Depression they created. Then the staff is constantly having to sweep me up off the floor. He finds Rain depressing, then he develops Seasonal Affective Disorder. He's rather paranoid of Shadows. Afraid of Spiders. Unaware of Bob. Gets control issues with Gatekeepers. OCD like. Why is it always locked? Where's my key? He can't find Diamonds anywhere, so at least he can't steal them. Sometimes he talks to the Skye. As if the Skye is listening. He's not great with reflection, but I think he has projection mastered. But he needs Reinforcement. Sound a buzzer, maybe someone is listening. Send Small in, she's pretty, he'll listen to her. BUZZ! Wrongo. He's still working on extinction. He's been dipping into the regression. Now he's reaching for substance use, but it's not coming to him. He's running short on patients. He's looking a little tired, so maybe he needs to give it a rest. Perhaps he needs more Reflection. Just not from me. He doesn't like the picture.

Commercial Break...

 We'll be right back after these few lawsuits...

Broke

Well I'm going for broke. Cuz I am broke. in every sense of the word. I know my words too.

Got fucked over a good bit. But I'm back up for more. Just gotta go easy. I very much would like to survive this. So. I'm trying to recover my sense of humor. This has been really dark. I'm trying to remember the late Robin Williams. He knew how to laugh. I'm trying to remember. I'm trying to remember. 

Leaves of September.

I have to find something inside myself other then a mindfucked ... darkness.

I can still make people laugh. it's just hard to do it myself. Prichards and I need a word on that. Before I start calling McClean for a reservation. God as my witness... dead or alive... whether I live or die that man will stand in court of law and defend himself. I got your records jackass. I'm coming. Bury me? they said at CCBH. They said Ashes? Bury him. You're coming too, Prichards. I swear to God. You're gonna pay for what you did. You whole fucking lot. The cleaning crew is coming fellas. Make way.

Malacheck

So I found out earlier this year that Malacheck died. Yeah, Malacheck was an MD at some 600 page hospital... yeah Malacheck worked there in the nineties... He worked with Prichards... they was partners... and they knew that fella that was yellin at me last month... he was one of their partners... and they all worked together in the nineties... that fella has a big mouth... he should take his vacation days... think about his life choices... Because I'm getting rather pissed off... and some hospital just sent me 600 pages of names, dates, medications... all that crap... any hospital employee working somewhere that just sent me 600 pages of names and dates and facts should take their vacation days, think about their life choices, and shut their damn traps... because i'm getting pissed off...

But back to Malacheck... you see he worked with Prichards down yonder... then they went off and they had a practice not far... that was before Prichards went solo...

But Malacheck was in charge of my care at the 600 page hospital... he was making speeches promoting drugs... he found this one called gapapentin... he put me on it for Bipolar Disorder... shortly thereafter the company making gabapentin got sued. Yeah you see they were promoting gabapentin for Bipolar with flimsy numbers... they got in trouble... govt said they had to stop...

This is what troubles me about these doctors... back in the 90s the thinking was a bit more primitive... Bipolar was all the rage... that suck it up man it up attitude... drug it away... I was a minor. I was a child. 

But Malacheck, well he must have thought that was just fine, because he stopped practicing to go around making more speeches promoting these drugs.. oh he made some good money on other fucking people's suffering... yes... that's what worries me about these pills...

Strange thing is... I heard about malacheck just this year... seems he was off on vacation... some substance was involved... death under mysterious circumstances... they are not sure exactly what happened...

One of these days I might just have to ask Prichards, possibly under oath, so maybe evidence should not destroyed, because this is getting damned suspicious... What happened to Malacheck? What did he know about me? Tell me Prichards, are you sure about what you did? ARE YOU SO STUPID THAT YOU ARE STILL OUT THERE PEDDLING DRUGS?

Prichards, I think you should take some time off. Visit your family. And I'll see you in court. And you can explain the bipolar bullshit and the drugs, the offlabels, the medical board, just you and me Prichards... I want Leaves to be there... to see you explain how reckless you were with those drugs... how much danger you placed people into... TAKE YOUR DAMN VACATION DAYS. Spend time with your family. You're going to be in a courtroom. Malacheck can't make it. Unfortunately, he's dead. But maybe your 600 page hospital friends will be there... maybe the ones that SCDHEC HAD TO TALK TO... take your damn vacation days people... think about what you're doing... and I'll see you in court. Anyone who has the stupid idea in their head of undue influence or obstruction of justice... be very careful what you do... some things are criminal. There are jails for that. I hear so much as a whisper of improper conduct, it will be recorded, and people will be held accountable. To the full extent of the law. You know who you are. You are forcing me to do this. It didn't have to be this ugly. I will let the records and the experts speak. You have been warned. No contact. No obstruction. You've already dug yourselves a hole. Even if I die, the records remain. And if anything should happen to me, I'm instructing my professionals to find the people responsible and hold them accountable. To the full extent of the law.

Dreams

A few days after I got out of the hospital where people were verbally attacking my counselor, I had me a dream.

I picked me up the phone.

"Yes? McClean? It's Ashes and Dust, remember me? Oh, you know, runnin' around. Say, I have a technician that threatened my counselor. Would you have a room available? The Mood Disorders and Psychotic Suite, please. A year? Oh no, this one's not that strong. Let's say three weeks. Yes. Crappiest food in the house. You know the drill. You can put her in the room next to Prichards and my brother. All the happy pills she wants. Hold the benzos. Every now and then, would you open the unit door so she can see the outside? Give her a chance to run. Not too far. Allow her to flood the bathtub, if you would. I'd appreciate if you could keep an extra room available, in case any other family members or health care professionals need an ethics refresher... forgettin thier boundaries, that kinda thing. I might have a moment of conscience. Y'all taught me well. You know, on how to destroy people. By the way, Prichards wrote, said he's lost weight. Could you double his Clozaril? Oh, no, none for me thanks. Say hello to Conner for me. I know he'll take good care of my people... what's left of them."

I get frustrated with people who threaten other people or attempt to force medicate them. I get frustrated when professionals sabotage others or endanger the community. It's happened a time or two. I have a few hangups. I hope they have all taken the time to reflect upon thier actions and rethink thier lives. I'd hate to have to sue someone.  It's nasty business. I'd hate to have to speak to the Governor again. Especially about family members. But I can if someone forces me to. Rather easily, it seems. I'd rather prefer to let the governor focus on the good people of this state, not the dumbshits who can't keep thier traps shut and think they're too good for a hard lesson. Those dumb shits better let me hear them so much as whisper. Bad idea, dumb shits. Bad idea.

Show Time

I've been thinking about Monday. Gotta hot date. This one's a looker, folks. Oh he likes my sense of humor. What should I talk about? So much on my mind... he learned my name pretty fast. We're going to a nice place. It's bright and well kept. I bet they love analogies. He likes it when I talk legal. It turns him on. He knows all my friends. I bet they are good with names. First names, last names, code names. We can play spy movie! Or clue!

It was Doctor So and so with the xanax! It was professor XYZ with the roaming eyes! Oh dating is so much fun. This one has good nails. Physically fit. We can talk psychology!

Extinction! Reflection! Validation! Annnnnd I feel so aliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive! Word play! And it feels so goooood!

Orange you glad you met me? I peel better these days. I've learned so much. Tell me about your father? 

I like my coffee with vanilla. We'll talk about the future. building bridges.

Yep, the talkers got me all set. To talk with someone else. 

On a side note, I've been thinking about the community and my concerns about boundaries. I'm very much hoping that anyone that has any sense who has worked with me professionally as a healthcare practitioner, particularly those with the power to prescribe, is taking their vacation days and rethinking their life a little. Maybe I shouldn't have worked with XYZ? Maybe I should have followed this law or that law? Maybe I should take an ethics refresher. Maybe I don't want DEA attention anymore. Maybe when this guy got flagged for Social Determinates of Health, maybe I popped up on one of those radars. Maybe I should think about retirement. Enjoying life. Maybe ECT is risky. Maybe rTMS should be used with caution. There's so many maybes. Hopefully before the governor talks to me. You know, before people start making threats of legal action. Before 600 pages of documents are secured from this hospital, before another hospital gets too much attention, before that hospital stops taking my patients, before people are buying guns... There's so much to think about... Maybe I shouldn't threaten people for holding others accountable? Maybe if someone is related to me, I shouldn't try to fuck with their healthcare? oh so many maybes... Maybe I should think for a while... Maybe my family needs me... Maybe having my name in the paper, my picture on a wall, or ridiculous amounts of money is bad. Maybe promoting prescription drugs, especially off label, is the wrong kind of attention... Yes, perhaps I should go home and rethink my life... shut my trap now and then... maybe people don't always need to know what I think? maybe it stirs up resentment, rather than jealousy. Maybe I like keeping my job and I should do it properly, within boundaries, and shut the fuck up? Naw... well... let's think about that... There's always church... but then, my uncle was a priest and that didn't work out so well. There's plenty of churches around...

Dangers of Psychiatry

Mental health requires a gentle touch. Some people should not work in mental health. some people do not understand boundaries. They think they are Gods. Then people get hurt.

Talking too much is a one way. Scribing too freely is a surefire way. Both at the same time? Recipe for disaster.

This is why some practitioners hate me right now. this is why they can't wait to shut me up. Because they know that I know their mistakes. I am their mistakes.

And the results? A mychart a mile long. Word salad. 

It was a long time ago. They were all partners. There weren't proper boundaries. There were some good intentions. But when the abusers know the providers and the providers know each other and the medication and diagnoses start flying too freely... by the time you're shipped off to McClean, it's a little late. by the time of the first coma, it's a little late.

Birds of a feather... the victims together...

Birds of a feather... psychiatrists together...

Birds of a feather... abusers together...

Birds of a feather... I've known many people. plenty of good ones.

Building a map of a mind takes humility. Not the Psychiatrists specialty. They need to cut down their egos a bit. Take their pictures off tv. take their photos off walls. Take their names out of the papers.

Go ahead, blame the patients. Go ahead, blame the social workers, Go ahead, blame the counselors. Blame side effects. Blame everyone but yourselves. Don't take vacations. Don't rotate out. Don't respect HIPPA. become partners and become too close. Refuse to retire. Go ahead. Take the insurance money, pass the pills and the blame around.

The PA is not one of you. So sorry. Now kindly go fuck yourselves. Yall need to retire. I'm counting the days. You can count the words. 

Am I afraid? Yes. Do I know how to fix it? no. Do I want to protect the community if no one else? Yes.

Guilty conscience... I know things, ya see... I just don't know how it works out. But I'm finding out. One day at a time. This is the mind you built. Maybe you just like yourselves too much.

Stages

My sense of humor is getting misplaced. Too much projection. Too much anger. Too little sleep. Details become clearer. Maybe the counseling is working. Now I find the stages. Ten stages. 

1. Suspicion 

2. Discovery 

3. Chaos 

4. Grieving 

5. Learning 

6. Reaching out 

7. Dependence 

8. Acceptance 

9. Resolution 

10. Moving on

Reasons

I keep going down this road. I don't know where it's going. They've been saying I was a lost cause for decades. Decades. Decades. 

13 years old. I was already running. Never really stopped. But I'm still here.  There must be a reason.

Year 6

It seems like yesterday

But it was long ago

Janey was lovely she was the queen of my nights

There in the darkness with the radio playing low, and

And the secrets that we shared

The mountains that we moved

Caught like a wildfire out of control

'Til there was nothing left to burn and nothing left to prove

And I remember what she said to me

How she swore that it never would end

I remember how she held me oh-so-tight

Wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then

Against the wind

We were runnin' against the wind

We were young and strong, we were runnin' against the wind

The years rolled slowly past

And I found myself alone

Surrounded by strangers I thought were my friends

I found myself further and further from my home, and I

Guess I lost my way

There were oh-so-many roads

I was living to run and running to live

Never worried about paying or even how much I owed

Moving eight miles a minute for months at a time

Breaking all of the rules that would bend

I began to find myself searching

Searching for shelter again and again

Against the wind

A little something against the wind

I found myself seeking shelter against the wind

Well those drifter's days are past me now

I've got so much more to think about

Deadlines and commitments

What to leave in, what to leave out

Against the wind

I'm still runnin' against the wind

I'm older now but still runnin' against the wind

Well I'm older now and still runnin'

Against the wind

Against the wind

Against the wind

Still runnin' (against the wind)

I'm still runnin' against the wind

(Against the wind) I'm still runnin'

(Against the wind)

I'm still runnin' against the wind

(Against the wind) still runnin'

(Against the wind)runnin' against the wind, runnin' against the wind

(Against the wind) see the young man run

(Against the wind) watch the young man run

(Against the wind) watch the young man runnin'

(Against the wind) he'll be runnin' against the wind

(Against the wind) let the cowboys ride

(Against the wind) aah

(Against the wind) let the cowboys ride

(Against the wind) they'll be ridin' against the wind

(Against the wind) against the wind

(Against the wind) ridin' against the wind...

Overconceptualization

I tested high on abstract thinking. Achilles heel.

All of these life concepts, all the creative thinking, the models of recovery and of religion and of different mental health processes... white boards are a trigger. I think too much

I heard that by the time a writer is 20, he has enough to write for the rest of his life. By extension, by the time you're 20, you have enough experience to do plenty.

Too much experience, too much knowledge? It's all bad computer program. Too much code. I'm calling different routines, losing myself in infinite loops, blue screens, 404s, and the like.

Early in your life, if you don't develop confidence, strong boundaries, and a clear identity, you'll learn so many things, you'll be lost in all that information, and you'll have hackers coming in fucking up the program.

You'll be in your head everyday, searching for the viruses that only exist in your mind.

So I'm cutting code, closing backdoors, freeing up memory with the talkers. I'm checking my firewalls every day. Because I have one machine. I have to protect it. Maintain it. Optimize it. I'm throwing out my scanner, I'm deleting files... running my updates... one day at a time. 

I gotta make sure I shut down now and then. I've only got so much power. Blow out my dust. Take myself off the grid. Be careful about the communications that come in. I'm not clicking those links. I'm blocking spam. 

So freaking tired. Headaches. Especially the forehead. Tingling in face. Sleepy. 

 

Wrestling Coach's Priorities

Today, I remembered something my coach said about 30 years ago.

He said that practice makes perfect is not true. He said PRACTICE makes PERMANENT.

I've practiced a lot of things... among them: wrestling, soccer, tennis, running, weights, dieting, psychology, taxes, IT, different relationships, writing and above all, mental health. 

Some things became permanent. That's why I want to do less. That's why I want simple. I can't please everyone. I'm tired of trying. 

What are the essentials? 

Financial management

Cooking

Cleaning

Home Maintenance

Mindfulness

Guitar (musical outlet)

writing

Hygiene

Fresh Air

Car maintenance

Rest

Caring for cat

Boundaries (Also part of mindfulness)

Spirituality

Funny thing is, the medication and the psychiatrists don't teach you these things. At least most of mine didn't. One of mine definitely taught unhealthy relationships and medication dependence. The Psychiatrists taught me the DSM and then blame me for learning it. Brilliant.

So that crosses the following off the list

Psychology

Excessive IT skills

Excessive knowledge of the world

TV/videos

backwards ideas of medical, medication and Psychiatry

Mental health centers and hospitals

multiple sports

Helping people unless I'm being paid

listening to people's problems unless I'm being paid

excessive conversation

excessive foreign language skills... I do live in an area where everyone speaks English or Spanish

Obsessing over other people

Obsessing over parts of other people's pasts that I do not share

support groups

Social media

manipulative people

Blowhards

reading too much

excessive exercise

Excessive neatness

Enmeshment/Codependence Progress (Adult Content)

I'm continuing to work with the counselor and PA on the relationships issue. Unfortunately, I spent so long in a medical bubble with people that are so very set in their ways that it's not easy to undo this. People resent it when you challenge their beliefs. Especially if it's connected to their careers. 

They want to pretend that the overuse of prescriptions is ok. That poor boundaries are ok. They want to pretend that they are the teachers, and I am the student. I can still respect them as persons while not respecting their ignorance and their inappropriate conduct. I can still report them to government agencies if needed who can then remind them of the law. It's unfortunate when this becomes necessary. I do care about people, and the people that care about those people. Yet, if people get used to being able to treat you like crap, they will keep doing it, thinking it is their right. That is why my brother and I cannot be around each other. 

I certainly hope I do not need to contact DSS, the medical board, or SCDHEC ever again. I am concerned however, as there are several people either biologically or contractually connected to me that do not understand proper boundaries and have professional licenses. I certainly hope I never have to file any reports. That is not something I want to do. MSWs, MDs, RNs, etc. I hope they keep their ethics requirements and the letter of South Carolina law in mind. I care about people in the community, and I have a conscience. I don't like to have to report inappropriate conduct regarding myself or others. I have enough problems.

However, DSS, SCDHEC, and the local police are readily available. For all the busybody, manipulative people out there who can't help but read this. We all have responsibilities. Keep that in mind. No unnecessary comments. No unwanted contact. No undue influence. No threats. No property theft or disruption. We all have a responsibility to follow the laws of our jurisdictions. I trust the judgement of the governmental authorities to know when action is or is not needed.

I'm tired. I'm medically complex. I've been through two comas. Don't push me. As many warnings and reports as are necessary will be made. I like this community. Don't make me educate you. The world has enough problems. Enjoy your lives. I need to be separate. Don't contact me. Don't pretend to know everything. Mind your own business. You have my caseworker's contact information. Just enjoy your lives. Let me go. I need to work on letting you go too. It's not like the entire state of South Carolina doesn't already know. It's not like they haven't been tracking Social Determinates of Health (SDOH). They do know. Enjoy your lives. Leave it be. Every time you do something inappropriate, it only makes you more guilty. So, be appropriate with minors, don't misuse medication, don't try to manipulate other professionals, and don't engage in any type of fraud. Because I can't protect you. Not anymore. People are watching. They have been for quite some time. Even if something happens to me, that doesn't erase the records or what people have already learned. It's too late. Give it up. Don't ask me to help you. I can't. You don't actually know me. Not really. Because you're in denial... the state of denial... this is South Carolina... we don't live in denial...

DID Therapy

This is the stuff memories are made of... 

Wrong.

This is how they get deconstructed. Carefully, with desensitization, suggestion, restructuring, patience, and privacy.

Not that I particularly wish to reveal any secrets. 

You have a building. You have a waiting room. You have windows, art, water ready and chilled, mints, white noise machines, proper ventilation and climate control, motion activated cameras to observe trigger levels, dissociative states, boundary issues. It is safe. It is calm. It is quiet, but not silent.

You have interns, different types of professionals, including an MD. 

You have the DID see the intern, the intern then reviews with the counselor, the counselor and the intern see the DID to go together as 3. The intern gets triggered by DID, who may lie down as child, pace as protector, analyze as solver, try to teach as helper, speak in code or legalistically as gatekeeper, make friends as communicator, or none of the above. The intern leaves, the counselor and DID continue. Where does the intern go? Just down the hall, to the MD that's consulting to get coaching on thier experience. Meanwhile the counselor continues, and memories are unpacked, desensitized, and beliefs are restructured through education or suggestion, lifestyle adjusted, thoughts changed with details as big or small as songs played, fidgets, toys, drawing, nutrition, so many tools without a substance or medication in sight. Just the calming voices and the smiles. If the DID is in a dissociative state, subtle hints such as smells, what the counselor wears, anything at all to give the brain the right idea of what is needed that day.

This is violence reduction, desensitization of autistic symptoms, reeducation, medication and substance reduction... this doesn't happen in Springbrook or MIP or anywhere other than Austen Riggs. This is what McClean never used. This was thier mistake from day one. They hadn't the slightest clue what they were doing. Clozaril? Locked dark places? Creating monsters, one day at a time. 

McClean created autism. McClean created Bipolar. McClean created violence and ODs. Drug addictions. Harvard drug trials. Chemical experimentation. Clozaril. 

These disorders are manmade.

Be careful what you create. Shrinks just around the corner, DSM in hand.

Helper

The thing I've noticed about the helper is that it seems to be created and reinforced by experience, much like the rest. The helper can get out of control. Manifest as a workaholic, a busybody... 

Then with stress, it gets wierd. I transfer stress from part to part, moment in time to moment in time, supress or relieve with music, passphrases, numbers, memories, people, sensations...

It gets outta hand, then it comes out in different physical symptoms, behaviors, communications, or it can mimic different mental health issues... there's so many to choose from... AS, Bipolar, unipolar, psychosis, adhd... everything. A different shrink, a different dx.

That accounts for my troubled relationships with family members... social workers, docs, people with letters. I'm happy to let the next generation shine. I'm tired.

The thing with dissociation is that it can easily resemble psychosis. And shrinks love psychosis. It's like crack to them. The excessive activity and abrupt changes in behavior can match bipolar and its vague standards most of the time. You add in weather changes and diet changes, interpersonal influences, you get seasonal affective disorder. The DSM is excruciatingly vague. Throw a dx at a wall, it'll stick. Lapses in attention? Maybe you lost sleep, had something bad to eat, the wrong substance, were stressed, were physically sick, had a hormonal balance, even a mild seizure from a bright flashing light... bingo, you got your adhd. Don't take the drugs. Not worth it. You'll have trouble eating. Trouble maintaining weight. Energy problems. Probably headaches. If you do take the drugs, try to keep it low. I've seen what the drugs can do. It it quite frightening. Academics only takes you so far. And eventually, you do have to quit. Hopefully before you're forcibly retired or sued.

Illegal drugs are bad. Legal ones are simply tweaked illegal ones. 

Methamphetamines ADHD =Speed

Benzos/gabapentin = alcohol

Ketamine/spravato/Propofol = party drugs

Antipsychotics... dangerous beyond imagining... distort your perception... change your behavior... enable all sorts of things. But do NOT go on and off. That's very dangerous.

Minipress/propranolol... change your alertness... very dangerous. Alpha blockers, extremely dangerous. 911 dangerous.

Theres responsibility here. ATF. Professionals. Distributors. Consumers. 

Thing is, even people without a helper can lose sight of healthy limits. Too much work, trying to help too many, helping the wrong people, or misguided help.