Sleepwalking

    I'm trying to slow this down. This is like sleepwalking from one decision to the next. The sleep itself has improved, even though I haven't gotten my sleep equipment. The isolation has helped my blood pressure and anxiety. I had too many people in my mind, trying to mess with things they didn't understand or had no business fooling with in the first place. The internist really seemed to hit the nail on the head with the shot and recommendations. I swear, everything that MIP manages to fuck up, the outpatient people help me clean up. Completely different meds and recommendations. 

    But my mental state has not been perfect. The meds have sedated away the restlessness. My focus and mental presence remain sketchy. I'm waiting on the insurance to approve the Vyvanse, but I doubt it will be a game changer. I need to make more measured decisions, more careful decisions. This has been a bit of a three-ring circus. 

    I've taken down the business website until I can make sure of my ability to deliver upon the promises. I can't afford any more screwups. I feel like the doctors are so eager to sweep under the rug the screwups with Prichards that they will find any distraction or diversion to change the conversation. I did idolize the man, but we went through so many drugs and combinations and dosages outside of guidelines that I'm not sure what that did to my mind. 

    I know the psychiatrists and doctors want to believe in their colleague the magic maker and all his skills, but it's dangerous to do so. It's dangerous to pretend as if these drugs don't have risks. I don't think it's safe to drug lightly. I don't think it's safe to use so many meds in combinations off label and outside of guidelines. I don't think it's safe to recommend THC and Spravato and then blame the patient for the results. We got here together. I have to mentally untangle it. I have to call attention to these dangers because I want people to be safe.

    I felt like going back to memorial and their psychiatrists was something I had to do. I felt that I could not predict how my mind would handle having no one to manage the medication. I had been on medication since the age of 10. It did not seem like a good idea to stop taking medication suddenly, and the internist was not prepared to take on the task, or so he said at the time. 

    But it leads me to question so many events and circumstances of my life. How exactly did I become a walking science experiment? How did I get to this point?