I'm hoping that my feedback filters in little by little to the upstate healthcare community. I think it's important to understand the dangers of Bad Psychiatry and Medicalized Perfectionism. Not every little imperfection of a living organism can be corrected. Sometimes we simply are imperfect beings. Imperfect beings that will never be perfect. 

    We are imperfect beings that get over diagnosed, overanalyzed, over criticized for our imperfections and this leads to things like thoughts of harm to self or others, agitation, PTSD, and broken trust. Forced medication is not ok. Goading is not ok. Threats are not ok. Lying and playing games is not ok. Slapping on a new dx and new drugs and blaming the patient is not helpful. Remember the Hippocratic oath, because, contrary to popular belief, I can and will always find a more ethical provider somewhere else and word does spread. Even if I don't file a complaint, it spreads. 

    And you can blame yourselves for that. 

Problems

    What I do have a problem with (other then fancy diagnoses) is anger, trauma, poverty, and lack of mental presence. I'm very spacey. I don't expect people to give a damn, but I do have to deal with it, whether you think I'm faking or not. The autism and adhd are the more complex underlying problems. It's not that hard to understand. All you need is the desire to truly understand, and it's following basic sentences. A high schooler can do it. 

    The starting point is autism. ADHD, most people understand already. Then slap on some trauma dissociation, and bingo, you have someone who is intelligent, different, and not very present. Comes from decades of repeated trauma. Ods, comas, severe depression, hospitalizations, these all qualify as trauma. No cure. It's fairly permanent. Pretty much all of it. Permanent disability. I can still do things, but the emotional dysregulation, spaceiness and communication issues will make full time work and many major endeavors unrealistic.

    Spidey went down to di ER to get checked out. Saw 3 docs. The first ER doc just talked to me. Den di doc Spidey saw in march did a very basic exam. Darcy. Den di head doc. They got me my some of my meds called in. The nursing staff seemed less alarmed. Didn't mention Elle's name. Darcy recognized me. She was quiet. 

    I told the 1st er doc about how I was scared of hospitals. She said they would take good care. I told the head doc about the trust issues and the traumatic march hospitalization that started right there. I told a patient observer about how the hospital used to seem like family. All I said to Darcy was that I recognized her. She said yeah, I remember I took care of you.

I feel better about this experience because they really heard me and were able to help.

Doctors

I guess the hospitals felt that they could trust me because I was a doctor's son. I guess I felt could trust them for the same reason. But i guess trust just doesn't work that way. Because I'm not my father. Never was. I used to feel that the hospital was a safety net. That if all else failed, they would help me. Im worried what they would do if I ended up at a hospital again. CCBH. Memorial. Mip. Dangerous.

The Good Eggs

    I really am glad I met some of the people I met at Lost and Rigged, MIP, and even Springbrook, though I wasn't there as long. I feel like I did learn. I'm still learning. Maybe I need to experience more of life outside the hospitals. But trust isn't easy. There is danger in the world. I need to stop being so hypervigilant. I need to open myself to experience and strengthen that mind-body connection. I find it so bizarre how sometimes I give away trust so easily and other times it's like pulling teeth. I need to be careful with expectations. I need to understand more about who is right for me, who to let in, when, and how far. 

 

Perhaps we should lock the gates.

The Ifs

If I meet the right people I might be able to relax a little. If I get this job, I might breathe a little easier. If two or more people decide to join this advocacy group, I might be able to do something positive. 

The Hopefully New Job

    I hesitate to mention the new job because I'm waiting to hear. It's another tutoring job. Different company. The old one and I differed on our teaching philosophy. They thought I was doing too much work for the students. I was like, but they're obviously learning. They come back, they ask for me, they do well on tests... nope. They didn't like it. 

What was it like to file the complaint against ccbh

Miserable. Would it do it again? Of course, sc has a right to know whats going on in its hospitals. From what I understand, patient care has improved.But i need to stay out of hospitals. 

Why did i file the complaint about ccbh?

Ive gotten a lot of heat for filing that complaint against ccbh. Why did I file?

1. They spit in my food and watched me eat it on camera

2. They told me to kill myself

3. They repeatedly went into my phone, looking at my personal info including hippa protected information and legal documents without permission.

4. When the insurance refused to pay, they threatened my sister.

5. They force medicated without a justifiable reason

6. They referred to me as "it"

I'm not supposed to talk about it, but then the drug addict bullshit and the harassment outside of the hospital via phone. An ex employee called me.i think it was the guy that used to repair airplanes. One of the one to ones. They didn't have the first clue what they were doing.

Hydroxzine

    Hydroxzine is an antihistamine used for anxiety, sedation, and allergies. The doctor said that I can take as little as 25 and as much as 100mg for anxiety. I find that 100 puts me to sleep but 25 barely touches it. For me, the sweet spot is right between 50 and 75. When I'm overwhelmed, that amount helps bring me back into flow. I like it because unlike the benzos, to my knowledge there is no notable addictive quality, no cognitive decline, and it doesn't disinhibit behavior the same way. 

Today's Lessons

     From what I understand, today we'll be learning more about trust, but also about not going too many directions at once and which directions to focus on. This has been an issue with my LLC. At least I eliminated the technology part. That's a start. Then I'll probably work on the remaining directions to focus on and do the actual running on the elliptical because so far it's been mostly yoga and stretching. 

    I've got to do a better job of keeping my head clear today, it keeps going back to MIP. I had some ulcer symptoms and the GI PA recommended Gaviscon or maybe caratega (sp?) but I don't think that will be necessary. I'm reducing stress and further adjusting my eating per the internist. I need to be less literal with some of the instructions they give me. 

Ok, today I started with some body awareness. Stretching and balance exercises. I'm moving into some yoga and mindfulness.