Hospital Conflict

I'm just tired of conflict and I can't go back to the past. So. Y'all do what you need to do. The name is on the the chart though. I get it. I changed it at one point. People got really ugly about it. So just forget it. Use my legal name. Cut the bullshit. You do that and I'll call it even. I don't really get it. Y'all don't get me. Call it even. Outpatient knows how to help. Personally I miss artstick but, unfortunately... she's gone. Anyways. I'm with Coffee now.

Not everyone is going to like me and I can't like everyone. Just don't dehumanize me or insult or attack my professionals. Or I'll be taking that up the chain. As high as it needs to go.

And I'm going to be much more careful about what I express. This is totally creepy. Did I mention inpatient was an ethical cesspool? OK not everyone. Not the the resident, the observers, or most of the nurses. The patients and some staff. Just some really wierd shit yall teach these people about how to behave. Toxic nonsense. I need to stop advocating because its not going the right way. I thought it would increase sensitivity. That it would help. I think I overestimated myself. I'm not actually Robin Williams.  I just liked the guy. Anyways. I need to do some thinking. That inpatient and er visit was a real shit show, but yall can't read my mind so... I'm not not angry about that. Yes I'm still angry a bit about the 90s. About the old guard. But that was a long time ago. And autism wasn't well known then. I need to focus on something more constructive. I've got some friends to hang out with, writing to do. Some cleaning. The home stuff. Maybe I'll tone down the DID talk. Seems to freak people out its really not that different from ptsd. Anyways, my dxs are reduced. Congratulations. Maybe not exactly what you were hoping for but can't win them all. Oh psychiatry... such a strange art.

Ethics Cesspool

I get so frustrated and there is anger and fear but I cannot go back to the numbness. I can only hope that the intensity continues to fade, that I can keep my more paranoid instincts in check. Because it truly is not a matter of substances or medications but past experience. There is no drug for that. Only growth. 

The fact is that the gun and the prescriptions and the more dangerous behavior are in the past. The past doesnt actually have to repeat. Pretending it does only frightens people. 

I'm not that same person. I've moved farther. But I'm not actually showing that to people. And until I do they will remain angry and afraid like me. I have to put down my stones. I have to show empty hands. And then we can trust. I've done that before. With some people, I can do it again. Others I have to let go.

The hospital has not been helpful recently, but i can't throw stones. I can't expect them to understand and I don't actually need them to understand. I have the outpatient, and they understand better. I'm going to need to rely on the people who can help. Otherwise we are just tearing each other to pieces.

I stand by my statement that MIP was an ethical cesspool last time I visited, and staff should have taken corrective action. Regardless, I'm moving on. I'm just disappointed in these people.

Beginning Again

I've gotten a little too lost in the past couple weeks. There were some realities about my community and myself that were abrasive. I'm not the only one who can be hard to handle. There were people who thought I was very strong. Some of them now see weakness. Others see strength that they did not see before but I'm definitely much different. Much more complex. Less robotic. Deeper. I'm glad. But it disappoints me to see how confused and afraid people are. Because I am indeed still me. They don't understand. They find it very frightening. I was numbed out by those drugs, and it gave me a very strong and masculine appearance but a simple-minded lack of depth. While they seem to revel in my insight, they fear what they perceive as weakness, paranoia, and destabilization. At times I've been graphic or abrupt. And me seeing thier fear and hostility has not inspired confidence for me either. 

I need to turn a page. Not with my immediate family. We need to be apart. But with everyone else. Friends, more distant relations, professionals, and the community. I can't keep this intensity so visible. It's not helping. I'm not sure how much I can change at once. I think I know where to start, however. 

Any Day Now...

If anyone still thinks this is funny or not criminal, YOU ARE NOT PAYING ATTENTION. Records. Tests. Drugs. Doctors. Centers. Hospitals. Not just two states. SC, MA, and yes, GA. Einstein in Atlanta. And he did try to say something. No one was listening. I was I think 19 then. This is Human Trafficking, Drug Trafficking, Human experimentation, and abuse, with reckless endangerment at a minimum. On someone who was a minor, then a drugged minor, then a drugged adult. That's what this is. They tell me that there are other victims. They tell me it's not all about me. So what happens next? I can't be the one to decide. It needs to be a federal Judge. I firmly believe that. Someone needs to look at all this evidence, question the witnesses, find any other victims of this system, and hold people accountable. I firmly believe that. 100%. I cannot be the one to decide what happens. Federal money was used. Across state lines. I worked in tax. There's a shit load of laws in question. Someone needs to decide. A judge. What should be done. Not me. I'm trusting my treatment team and the Federal authorities to do something about this. They have the evidence. They have been in communication. They need to act.

Ethics

So they were too happy studying me and scribing drugs and making money and having fun analyzing me... PRISMO... GREENVILLE PSYCHIATROPY... Assmussen... MCCLEAN... any one of them could have identified the trauma disorder, right from the initial 1996 at MIP. They could have stopped it a LOOOOONG time ago. But no. They love their DSMs and their drugs. They love wasting public money on this shit. PERMANENT DISABILITY. Oh it makes all the sense in the world. Independence? Ethics? Red flags? Ooooooh noooo...... we don't worry about that stuff. We want medical perfection. Drugs out the wazzooo.... our ECTs, our VNSes, our rTMSes... Anmed was alarmed when they caught on... but that took a while... Spring brook was alarmed... Lost and Rigged was alarmed. The other places were not. So yeah, an interstate human experiment. On me. Why not. Only a few comas. Not a big deal. Trauma? Noooooooooo, it couldn't be trauma. Lawsuit? Nooooooooooo never grounds to sue.... not on this... Criminal? never. I tend to disagree. I thought Girl Interrupted was dark. Then I started to wake up. Black as night. And you wonder why I have nightmares. Oh sure he's faking. It's all bullshit. Nevermind all the records and the tests they ran. Decades worth. No, we'd prefer the money and lack of responsibility. It's his fault. He was in charge of his care. He wrote the scripts. He did the ECT. He installed the VNS. He did the rTMS. It was all him. Nope, no responsibility for anyone else. He's the criminal mastermind. He fooled us all. He's that fucking smart. Bullshit. I'm not that smart. I am NOT that smart. Fucking pricks. No let's Bipolarize. Let's whateverize. Let's ignore all the evidence and common sense to the contrary. Let's bounce the pain across states. Let's make this a federal mess. Not just SC. And then you wonder why I report myself to the FBI. Hmmmmm... I'm not the only pissed off one. Waste of public money. Medical system run amuck. On someone who was too drugged to make it stop. How is that not criminal? Tell me, how is this not criminal? ACROSS STATE LINES. LACK OF INDEPENDENCE. MINOR. DRUG TRIALS. FUDGED NUMBERS. DOSES FAR IN EXCESS OF GUIDELINES. COCKTAILS OF DRUGS. Oh no it's his fault. He's the criminal mastermind. He fooled us all. We had nothing to do with it. Ashes? oh let's bury him. Find a hole. Just drug him up, CCBH style. Then find a hole and bury him. Wipe the memory clean with ECT. Took a five foot tall women to call bullshit on you guys. I bet you hate her guts. Almost as much as you hate mine. So yeah, I'm not the only angry one. 

Ptsd

Did is really very similar to ptsd. I only talk about it because its slightly different and because it shouldn't have to be that scary. They're all just labels for problems. That's all the dsm is. Descriptions of problems. It's not a movie. Im not a criminal mastermind im just angry. Like someone with ptsd. Extremely angry. But people around me don't get it. They can't drive that point through their thick skulls. They're fucking know it alls. Always will be. They say im the delusional one. But everyone has delusions. Even doctors. God complexes. Fucking pricks. So superior. Then its all be nice to the people helping you. Fuck you. I helped yall too. So be fucking nice to me. And drop the attitude. Stop the superiority. Step down off your pedestal. Narcissists. The dsm works both ways. All interpretation. 

Fear

I seriously wouldn't be in counseling if I was trying to be dangerous. I seriously could have hurt people a long time ago if I wanted that. Just because I'm 5'11, 200-250 pounds, and still somewhat athletic doesnt not make me dangerous. Just ask the small women. Like molly. Or Elle. Or leaves. They never got a scratch. I pushed a doctor once. 26 years ago. Not exactly a history of violence. But they fear me. Because of the labels, the way I talk. Because of the gun i bought when prichards went crazy with minipress. I hope he retired. He needs to.

Intensity

This is too intense. But they tell me I can't just go around it or put it away. I have to work through it. I think my history proves that. I think my history also proves that it doesnt happen quickly or easily. But there has to be more. But if I can't get the anger down, I can't get more. They say some things are permanent. That there's no fix, no drug. No easy answer, just work. That i might have a relationship eventually. That i won't have a normal life. Career. More then one professional saying that. And I've had them disagree on different things, but some things they agree on. That I'm angry. For one.

 There are literally doctors and LPCs that won't let me quit. They say there are victims. These people are working around me. They don't tell me everything. I don't know what to do. I'm not law enforcement or a lawyer. They won't let me contact a lawyer. They talked to the FBI. So what do i do?

Nightmares

I do have nightmares. Day and night. Molly says that I'm not the only one. And I misunderstood. I misunderstood who the other ones were. EVERYONE AROUND ME. That's why this has to go to court. This has to go to rest. IRREVOCABLE HARM. TO EVERYONE AROUND ME. That's why they call this PTSD. Because we have nightmares about pills and guns and the people involved. That's why Prichards will see me in court. I have to get my anger below a 7. I have to maintain my body. Until that day I see that man in court. There are people that got me here. I know they want to see this end. And it will. This doesn't last forever. It just takes time and space. I use the calm app. I keep it on during the night. The music is so soothing. I think the sleep apnea was actually asthma that was covered up by the drugs. THE HOUSE WAS FULL OF PILLS PRICHARDS. YOUR DRUGS. Yeah I'm angry. How do you think the others feel? You think they like this? I don't think they do. I think they lose sleep too. That's why this has to go to court. IRREVOCABLE HARM. And I'll get there. Maybe Leaves and Elle will come. Maybe the others will get to see it end. 

No I don't blame Springbrook. They knew it was insane. I don't blame the ERs or the ICUs. In my mind, there are primarily two men responsible, and one is dead. One is still alive. They called him the magic maker. People sang his praises, including me. I've not had contact since 2020. I have no desire to go anywhere near there. That place is more haunted then any place I can think of. The house was full of pills. You couldn't walk around without finding a pill. All sorts. on and off label. Dosages from low to way outside the guidelines. Seroquel as high as 1000 mg. Minipress. It was over ten at least. Outside guidelines. Mirapex. Way outside guidelines. gabapentin. Outside guidelines. Multiple medications at once. When I say Supermedicated. When I say dangerous. When I say drug trafficking. I am. DEAD. SERIOUS. 38 calibur dead serious. 911 dead serious. This shit doesn't go away.

And I do have responsibilities. I have to keep South Carolina safe from dirty doctors. Timmons and the governor and the board are helping me do that. One of them is dead. I'm not worried about MA. I'm worried about SC. I need to keep it safe. I have my purpose. You can call that my religion. There's just one man that needs to be afraid. I'm pretty sure he knows the cleaning crew is coming. And if the FBI is aware, then SC doesn't need to be afraid. Only one man needs to be afraid. Time to retire. Then I can go back to what we would call normal life. The going out in public and the normal stuff. But I need that anger down. If there's a "Fix" for me, it's seeing this through. I'm not sure exactly how long it will take or the hows. But I'm pretty damn sure it doesn't involve any more pills then I currently take. I don't need more magic. 

I did not have the dx's to justify so many meds or the dosages or combinations. It was not safe. Or the medical board would not have talked to the governor. I'm not supposed to talk about that. But it's hard not to. These people have gotten me here. I have a job to do. KEEP THIS COUNTY SAFE. So no, I'm not afraid of the police. I have no reason to be. As unpopular as some of the LEGAL substances I sometimes take are, I 100% believe they are far safer then the dosages and combinations I was on. But I'm being watched by plenty of people. So if that changes. They'll know. The hallucinations and the paranoia, it comes for a reason. BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN TERRIFIED. I HAVE BEEN DRUGGED. Ghosts of doctors in my head. Oh I know them well. I've known many. Conner was... actually a very disturbing individual to be around. You have to be. To walk around in a place like that. That was a long time ago. But I don't think we have to worry about MA so much. I think MA can worry about MA. This is SC. I'm worried about SC. And I'm going to keep it safe. Oh they made a demon of me. But I'm not the only one. The cleaning crew is working on it. You may think I deserve it. That somehow I earned it. But regardless, I'm ending it. And certain men who drive Mercedes purchased off of irresponsible and immoral behavior have reason to be concerned. Because the cleaning crew is coming. That nest of vipers better keep their insurance, take their vacation days. The lot of them. The clock is ticking. There are people watching that clock. I don't know how many. I'm pretty sure all of PRISMA is to some extent watching that clock. Because they don't want to get swept up. And they won't. I can't predict what will happen. But there's records out the wazzoo. There's enough experts aware in this state alone. When this goes to court, it will not be that hard. It will not be that messy. I was a bit confused. I'm still not totally clear. But the experts and the records can speak. If necessary, there are some witnesses that can speak. And we'll get this cleaned up.