Biblical Meaning

Today, I'm focusing on cleaning and exercise, writing, and some light accounting research. I need to stay focused. 

I like doctors and nurses because they are educated and they focus on helping people. I think aripiprizole helps maintain calm. I think Bipolar is at best an oversimplification and clozapine is out of date. I think if a man is disabled, that necessitates a change to relationship dynamics. How can the man be disabled and still be the breadwinner? It makes no sense. Not in today's world where couples struggle to survive on one full income. Rigid rules of gender Conformity make less and less sense in a modern society and yet some people still cling to them like whites clung to slavery long after it stopped having even the veneer of sense to it. Modern society requires flexibility. It requires seeing beyond stereotypes. In an age of AI, it makes zero sense to me to cling to stereotypes promoted by out of date concepts. You can still have faith and God but at the same time see that the Bible was written thousands of years ago in a much different time by much less educated men with much less technology. God did not create life to remain static and unchanging. Life is by definition changing. Otherwise it is not life. One can still remain true to God and to faith and be open to growing and changing. I believe that was God's intention and that love thy neighbor means exactly that. It doesnt mean love thy neighbor UNLESS. It doesnt mean love love thy neighbor UNTIL. It means love thy neighbor. Love thy neighbor if they are white, black, orange, purple. Love thy neighbor male, female, autistic, disabled, whatever. If the Bible was meant to be a rigid cross checked formula for exactly how to live life, then Im sure God would have made a commandment, crosscheck the passages to find hidden meanings behind my words to nullify the exact meaning of what I say. Read into what I say until my words become meaningless. He did not say that. Why would he say that? It is a desperate man who clings to hidden interpretations of the Bible. It is a desperate man who uses hidden interpretations of the Bible to justify hatred and bigotry.

     I did not want to be a doctor, but I did want more from my life. But they say some things are permanent. I just hope my angels are watching over me. I know I can't count on people in the community to understand. I have a goobledy gook bunch of DX's in my chart, impaired recall, attention problems, dysregulation, disconnections with reality, time distortions... I don't know what the future holds, but I know that the professionals are hard at work. I just know that the harder people push me, the harder I have to push the doctors, and they can make mistakes. I guess to some extent I'm still working on acceptance. 

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity

To accept the things I cannot change;

Courage to change the things I can;

And wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;

Enjoying one moment at a time;

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

Taking, as He did, this sinful world

As it is, not as I would have it;

Trusting that He will make things right

If I surrender to His Will;

So that I may be reasonably happy in this life

And supremely happy with Him

Forever and ever in the next.

Amen.

Prayer of St. Francis

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace:

where there is hatred, let me sow love;

where there is injury, pardon;

where there is doubt, faith;

where there is despair, hope;

where there is darkness, light;

where there is sadness, joy.

O divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek

to be consoled as to console,

to be understood as to understand,

to be loved as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive,

it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,

and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

I am the life, saith the Lord, and he whosoever liveth and believeth in me shall never die.

Dear God,

How's Peter doing? Think he will recognize me? Have I done enough good? Am I reaching anyone? Being kind is challenging sometimes. I've gotten lost again. It's become a habit. There's so many people I miss. Some are long gone. Others are far. Still others are on some sortof vacation, whether temporary or permanent. 

I need some guidance here. Don't let me walk blindly. I'm afraid of what I might hit. 

Ashes

 

Saturday

    Hopefully, It's getting a little lighter in here, because bouncing between doctorss offices, counselors' offices, and hospitals is starting to feel like a medical pinball machine. Today is Saturday, which means that tomorrow is the Christian Holy day. So, thoughts and prayers, y'all!

Quiet

 People say I'm strange, I think life is strange. I do find it confusing why people are so interested in what I do. I used to just blend. People didn't notice me so they didn't say anything. Then I start talking and wham! Suddenly what I say and do is so important. It is definitely easier to nod and smile but its empty. It's easier to go with the program. But I don't see the point. Then it gets into damned if you do, damned if you don't.  Gotta be just right. I most definitely am not Robin Williams.  I was simply a fan. He made me smile. Yes, I believe in God. Buti don't like to litigate God. I don't like to argue about what the Bible says. I don't think God is meant to create conflict. God is meant for loving thy neighbor. Just doesnt seem as common as its made out to be. Then I find everyone wanting to convert me. I guess by wearing my emotions so openly I invite that. My anger invites it. I get overwhelmed by a lot of attention. But for so long I kept quiet. It's hard to stay quiet. 

Faith

 

    I do believe in God. I do believe in purity and virtue. I have been around some influences. And some people don't listen. So now I have to be a better example and not just a warning story. Before it's too late. But where does trust grow? The Trinity is different sides of the same God... Interestingly, DID has sides...

Change, Growth, Healing, Fixit

    Different mentalities exist in the world. Maybe I owe certain people certain things. But my life has been rather tortured and drugged. Once I'm dead hopefully people will whisper my truth far and wide. They'll DE medicate and repent their medical perfectionism. Because some people will never change. They need the money, they want the money. They don't know how to grow. 

    And then they suck me back in and I'm like them again and that's how they keep me there. Strength can look strange. Because it doesn't involve fixits or whateverisms. It does not involve looking the other way or saying it's not me. It does not involve staying silent. And that is what this website is for. To speak the truth I cannot speak in the company that I keep: Drugs and silence are dangerous in combination, people can be too. 

    So I'm warning everyone I can via this website: Certain people in South Carolina are dangerous. I've known quite a few. Use your own good judgment and caution. That is what I am able to do for now. Stay away from the silence and the drug trains. Stay away from medicalized perfection and false lives. I'll try to do the same.