Blame

 

Snoozing on the job, are we? Well, what do you have to say for yourself? Well, yes, orange looks good on you. Well, no, we didn't actually run out of cat treats... clean it up now... 

Legalized Drugs

    So going back to the Drug War and medicalized perfectionism... In the 90s, thinking was a bit different. People were like Autism Spectrum? Asper-what? ADHme? Bipolar reorder? SAD? Seasonal Affective Disorder? Schizo this and that? Dissociate? Psychosis? Red pill, blue pill? Adrenaline? 

    Maybe I am weird. I learned from the best. Y'all taught me something. Atlanta. Greenville. Charleston. Anderson. MA. Y'all taught me something, right? Maybe it's time to trust that you taught well. To stop hiding behind your locked doors. Maybe keeping people safe can happen out in the community. Maybe my brother isn't actually God. Nor my father. Just maybe. Maybe being the youngest doesn't automatically make me stupid or a fool. Maybe not quite a criminal mastermind either. Maybe having trouble going out in public doesn't make me an atheist. Maybe having DID doesn't make me a demon worshipper or a drug addict. Maybe we really did get into this together. I'm not sure what it is you all expect of me at this point, but you seem to have invested a good bit. Maybe I can do something with that. I do have to pick something eventually. I'm not that young. 

    I remember that psychiatric nurse that I tutored. She wanted to keep people out in the community. Things got bad during Covid. She wanted to open a community center. It's not a bad dream. So maybe I can help. In my own way. Only, I'm not going to WV. I'm staying here. 

    Still going back to the Patch Adams thing. Still you guys have the WRONG ideas. Still rather annoyed. Stuck up older people ordering others around doesn't impress people. I prefer the gentle touch. The Austen Riggs kind. The Patch Adams kind. The non-hateful, non-us-versus-them kind. 

    That doesn't mean I advocate for illegal drugs, or for the pharmaceutical machine you are so addicted to. That doesn't mean I want to DSMize you like you have me. It means I want it to fucking stop. IT MAKES NO GODDAMN SENSE. Legalized insanity at work. I'm more than willing to let doctors hate me if it means that people in the community will not hate me. I'm more than willing to trade the greed and the status for some peace of mind. Being stuck up is not a virtue. Being controlling is NOT a virtue. Humility and forgiveness are virtues. And I'm reviewing my legal options as an independent adult. Regarding woodruff road and Clozana. And MIP. But while I do that as an independent adult, and before you start plotting the next hole to bury me in or the next way to evict me or the next state to ship me to, maybe consider alternatives. Maybe consider that WILLFULLY IGNORING established research because it does not fit into your way of life MAKES NO SENSE. 

    Maybe the NAZI lockstep isn't the greatest idea? Who exactly is the bad influence? The stuck-up pricks in white coats, or the people they control? Just some food for thought. It's not actually impressive when everyone can see through the emperor's clothes, you know. They can damn sure see through mine. Marching me around like some escaped convict because I don't buy the bullshit and I don't follow the program? Not smart, people. Not impressing anyone. 

    I just hope the state of South Carolina demonstrates some common sense towards me so I can do the same. I've tried multiple careers and dozen of prescriptions. I can't please everyone, that's for sure. I'm sticking to 1099s. You guys are nuts. 

    I do not believe in a chemical solution. But I don't believe in pushing the body too hard, either. Or being untrue to oneself. Or controlling others. So before I make this required reading statewide for healthcare professionals or start suing doctors, maybe y'all can back off the hyper-analyze and fix it cycles. We are not Nazis yet. Let's not go there. You can take your DSM and do what a friend once told me about the Bible. Cross reference. Debate. Then shut the fuck up and go home. I get to have emotions too. You helped build them. Congratulations. Fuck off. I am not your machine. 

De-Bipolarization, Ending the Gender Wars

    Science and religion have remarkably different views sometimes. I've known a lot of truly great people. I do know how to fight but I prefer to keep the peace. So if I don't speak you'll have to forgive me. If I don't visit or volunteer, you'll have to forgive me. I'm coming back down from anger. In my own way and time.

    Clozana has a way of submerging anger. Of greying the lines and the boundaries. But I am not a robot or zombie, nor inherently evil. You treat someone like an animal, that is what you will get. You treat them like a human being with independent thought and the potential for good will, you might just get that. Now the world can witness the effects of legalized drugs and miseducation. I hope Belmont is paying attention. Before I get to that lawyer point. Because it gets messy. And we got here together. Even the lawyers seem nervous. That says something. 

    Anyways, back to boundaries and one size definitely does not fit all. People are not products. We can't just standardize and duplicate. Genetics and human experience are not that malleable. Cuz we can bipolarize till the end of time. Winston Churchill. Robin Williams. Maybe they just tried too hard, took things too hard. Maybe they didn't understand their limits sometimes. But rather then have the FBI following me around looking up my ass and shooing off angry professionals, maybe we can all sit down and shut up a little. That would be nice. I really don't have time for anyone else's problems unless I'm being paid or on contract. I tried to help some people while helping myself. I'm not sure we're happy with the results. My head hurts. I've got people pulling me in different directions. "Me, Myself and Irene" and "What about Bob?" may seem funny and "Girl Interrupted" and "Split" may seem a bit demonic, but in truth DID is not a movie. It's rather serious like everything else in the real world. It's a name for a problem. For going in too many directions at the same time with no limits. Everything to everyone. Jack of all trades, master of none. A little too worldly. People do die. I'd like to die the non-violent and/or grief filled way. Let other people shine. It's their time. I've been charted plenty. 

    I'm getting older and my body is telling me that I have limits. My brain is telling me that it can't figure out all these freaking hospitals and these doctors. The lawyers seem as confused as I do. But I'm not sure what we're teaching these people with these drugs and cycling them through hospitals and prisons. I definitely, 100% believe in nutrition as a guide for mental health. I need to be careful what I put in my body. I also believe I need to be careful what I let into my mind. Don't believe everything you hear, they say. Look out for number one, they say. I've heard a few voices. The ones that aren't real are based on past experiences. Dressing up trauma as bipolar or psychosis is one of the oldest tricks in the book. It's been happening since the beginning of Psychiatry. Before that it was demons and mind control and conspiracies. Some Psychiatrists need some correction. Some Psychologists too. Maybe they learned, maybe they didn't. Atlanta tried to say no. Riggs was concerned. Belmont and Greenville weren't listening. IS ANYONE LISTENING OUT THERE? I hope so. My liver can only take so much. 

    People are not products. DO NOT MANUFACTURE ME. My expiration date is coming up eventually. I need rest. You know, Prichards did try to say something from time to time. Once, before Atlanta and MA. I remember that for sure. Too much experience. Drugs can't compensate. 

The Beauty of It

Ever since i filed those FBI reports the phone has barely whispered. I'm absolutely loving it. I don't know what they did or didn't do. That's the beauty of it. I don't actually have to know. Maybe they checked my devices for malicious code. I swear the damn thing never rings. I've never BEEN so unpopular. It's fantastic. Now, hopefully that printer gets here so I can file those taxes.