Bipolar

 So in the hospital, I was talking about trauma memories. Symbols. Places. That kind of thing, And then they changed it to bipolar again, and I really don't think they actually believe that they just want me to stay away from certain people. Hence the boundaries. You don't fix this with medication. That's not how it works. I was not manic. You know this. I was dissociating. It was obvious. This is not bipolar. It never was. You know this. 

My family wants it to be bipolar, so it can be the meds, and it can be Gateway. Gateway's never going to take someone with a trauma disorder. That's not what they do. Just because you change a code. That doesn't make it true.

That's why clozaril doesn't work. 

But people are still gonna look for a place to put me, even if that place doesn't want me. A fake dx don't make the wheels turn. you knew it too.

You emphasized the boundaries. You hated the memories and symbols. Because this is not bipolar. You think Gateway's gonna believe this shit? You know they don't. They never will. I have too much history. These centers know me, just like you do.

It was never mania. They call it one of the most over diagnosed disorders for a reason. You are professionals. You know it was dissociation just like everyone else in this world.

You do not have these kinds of patterns and memories and symbols with Bipolar. It simply doesn't happen.

This doesn't go away with medication or with centers. Trauma patterns can actually be reinforced in centers. But you come up with a new idea every day to explain it. Therapy unlocks the memories and processes them and then the patterns can be extinguished. You got another expert to throw at it yet?

This is not bipolar. No matter how much I say it is or how many codes you change, that's not what it is. It'll just be code of the day. Nothing I said in there had anything to do with bipolar. Zero. Absolutely none. There is no bipolar. It doesn't exist for me. You know this. You just wanted me out because I was dissociating like crazy and you couldn't handle it.

No matter where you send me or who you put me with, it is a trauma disorder. It is symbols. Music. Memories. That never changes. So why the disorder of the day? I did say I didn't want to talk about DID. But you never liked that dx anyway. This is patterns, memories, triggers, and dissociation. You never denied that. A fake dx won't change the truth. The seroquel got me out of there. Thank you.

I'll try to dissociate less. As far as the journaling, just don't read it. You don't need to know. I process with journaling. Not with medication. You know this. My family will always try to get me to stop. Because they don't want me to remember the past. But medication doesn't make it go away. You know this. You said it before I even left. If I don't process, I'll just run around causing chaos. How does that help?

The dx's, the med train, it has to stop. The centers can't help with this. That's not what they do. A fake dx don't help them too. The best boundaries I have right now are to stay away from certain populations. If i'm around people on meds, that gets me thinking about meds.

How's anyone going to believe this horseshit? Don't pretend you don't know. It won't help Gateway. It won't help Phoenix. I'm taking the meds. I'm doing the self-care. Let's not play around. We'll just run each other into the ground. No matter how much I lie to please the same people you told me to stay away from, it won't help anyone. Not even me.

The truth hurts. But so do lies. Yeah, you'll scrub the paperwork. I understand. But don't pretend you didn't know this. 3 social workers? Multiple psychiatrists? Symbols? Memories? lack of presence? Multiple names? Responding based on previous patterns and memories? Ring a bell? Dissociation anyone? No one's programming me. You saw it all. The disjointed communication? Being lost in the past? Ring a bell? I don't blame you for wanting me out. But spreading this stuff around? not smart, people. How someone can interact with so many people in such cryptic communication and not respond well to medication can only mean so many things. Past associations. Triggers. Memories.

I'm not trying to control anyone. I'm trying to contain my problems. The memories, triggers, and patterns. I'd rather not spread it around. People want to talk, they talk. I get it. Just don't make me spread this around. I don't see how centers will contain this. I've been to more then a few. I need to avoid past patterns. Don't like reading this? Please don't read. It's not for people that don't want to read it. Use parental controls, blocking, whatever you need to do. Exercise your own choice not to read. What I don't say and what people don't read can't hurt them. Found anyone else to drag in yet? You'll find a new one by the hour. Maybe not thinking about this is the point, but I've to be mentally clear before I can think about anything. It will cause harm. You know this. Do I seem mentally clear to you? Do I seem like I can help anyone or be particularly useful right now? Playing my family against my counselor against this center or that center doesn't help, You know this. You didn't try. Good job. Now let the mentally fucked up person not spread this around.

I behave differently from hour to hour sometimes. You think I should be around people? Great Idea.

Look, it doesn't have to be something people have to deal with in this community. If you don't force this stuff out into the community, maybe everyone is better off? perhaps?

My behavior was so inconsistent, my medical symptoms diverse, my communication almost nonexistent, my capacity near zero, and you want me running around?

I don't see it. Maybe gateway or Phoenix will but I don't. A fake dx, some meds, and some manipulation won't change that. So whatever you really think, you managed the symptoms, you calmed the dissociation, you got me out. Scrub the papers the way it needs be. How you possibly believe that diagnosis after all this time and all the symptoms you clearly saw, I have no idea. I'm taking the meds. Let me try to use these skills, the knowledge you gave me about being careful with people and don't make me spread this around. I do not want to talk about mental illness with other people. It's not healthy. I just don't understand the dx merry go round and the jumping me from here to there. You managed the symptoms. The meds help. Dissociation doesn't clear up that fast. It always comes back. And there's about 30 years of records to verify that. I don't see how bipolar makes sense. But i'll take the meds. Let the rest go. You know the history. You still call it trauma. Don't make me spread this around.

Triggers

I don't remember any names from the ER. By design. I don't want to remember your names. I barely remember your faces. Some of you wore masks. I don't need to see your faces. Wear masks if you will. I only remember 3 names from the MIP visit. They mean nothing to me. I do not care who you are. That's not the point. You are not my friends. You are not my family. I do not want to remember your names.

There is one name that is hard to forget. The doctor that has been at MIP the longest. I made the mistake of learning his name. I made the mistake of learning a good bit about him. And now he and I are triggers for each other. There's almost infinite reasons for that. Some are more complex than others. Yes, I still hear your voice. Yes, I know you're there. It took me a while to understand. I am not there to see you. I never intended to end up there. I try to forget you now. Like all the rest. You are not my friends. You are not my family. You work for PRISMO. That is who you are to me. I am trying to forget. I am not trying to remember. The less I remember, the better. I do not need you to know me. I need you to forget.

Right now, no one in this county needs to know me. I am a face. You don't even need my name. I'm not here for you. What I do is not important. It is not going to harm you. You don't need to look me up. I don't need to look you up. I am simply present. I am trying to forget. That is what I need. Nothing else. Once I have forgotten... then there can be more. Don't ask for more right now. You don't want to know me right now. The comments, I can ignore. Just filter me out.

ER Coping Skills

I used a lot of coping skills in the ER, as dissociated as I was. I counted things. Lots of imagery. I visited so many places. Around SC. Around the US. Around the world. I looked at outer space. At stars. I used ocean waves. Rain. Beaches. Forests. I rode leaves down streams. Jumped frogs. Waded in creeks. Built things. Watched fireworks. I floated in water. Mostly in the ocean. I collected shells. I saw waterfalls. I played almost every song I could think of. I reviewed intellectual topics. The military is a favorite. I contemplated different ships. The F-35. International Relations. Politics a little. Different people. Famous ones. I was the wind. I was the rain. I flew. I went swimming in the ocean. I closed my eyes and I went away. My mind was busy going here and there. I remembered conversations, certain memories.  I played with animals and critters some. I felt the sheets. They gave me some sprite. I focused on the bubbles. It was actually more nature imagery then music. But I kept my mind busy in whatever way I could. Then I started to come back. I started repeating trauma memories. I mentioned a few names. Honestly, I could barely tell who I was talking to. That became a thing. The whole, cleaning staff wear this color, techs that color, nurses this color. I believe I called nurses doctors at times. I kept my mind busy in whatever way I could. I can't even remember all the things I thought about. The counting was mostly fish or sheep or cows. I did the wind through the trees. Leaves are a favorite. I ran. I was in my mind. Blue jays, robins. Anything and everything I could to keep my mind off the trauma and off what was going on. Sea critters. Whales. Dolphins. At one point I was simply picking locations in the world. New Zealand. North Carolina. I was trying not to focus too much on any one thing. So I didn't use the same places. I tried to pick somewhere different to visit, a different animal, a different non personal memory. I skipped rocks. West Virginia. I revisited stories I had heard from random people. I wiggled my toes. Moved my fingers. Sometimes tapping, others just flexing. I mostly kept my eyes closed. I breathed. Sometimes to interrupt my thoughts I used phrases. 

At home, I prefer the hydration, the stretching, the yoga, reading, mild exercise, I review the five senses in every way I can think of. Different things to touch. Temperature changes. Not so much smells as I thought I would. I keep lemon, ginger, teas, fruit, veggies, spices. 

I've been getting into new things. Rocks. The counting down from 100 by 7s. I've always liked art. I'm not good at drawing or painting, but I like seeing it. Sculpture. I like birds. Trees. The rubbery grippy socks in the hospital. I liked the rubber part.

Lately I've had Nickleback in my head. "Where do I Hide".

Sometimes it's just a ticking clock. 

Internist Followup

The blood pressure was 149/92. Repairs are underway. 

Everywhere I go, I get comments. To the store, out to eat, in the parking lot, at the library, everywhere.

Checkers keep checking. But my stomach has calmed down. I've been eating more. 

When I volunteered at crisisline, I heard many things. At times, we had to work with the police. At times, 911. All sorts of problems. On the main line. On Julie Valentine. On Safe Harbor. Some of the things I said then, I wouldn't say now. Some of the things I didn't fully understand, I understand better now. Some of the strange behavior. Some of the attitudes. The thoughts. It makes more sense. There were hospitals that threatened people with restraining orders then. They do it now too. Trauma works in weird ways. There were people that wouldn't leave other people alone no matter what. That hasn't changed. There were people who were in bad situations. Who could have left. But this was their home. They wouldn't leave. There were people that called regularly. That we knew by name. I can still remember a name or two. But that was a long time ago. Some things never change. 

You get less heat by keeping your head down. You get less heat by working with the system. But you don't get change. You stay the same. Day after day. They will always be people trying to drag you back, drag you down. Sometimes closing one's ears becomes necessary. A survival mechanism. People always talk. And yet, life does go on. They don't like the places I shop. The food I eat. The way I live. The people I associate with. There's always something to criticize. They want me gone. Or at least quiet. 

So I keep the doctors informed. At home I hydrate. I run those nutrients, meds, and the stress through my system. Day by day. I close my ears when I have to.