I hope I'm going to get through this. 

I'm struggling to get through the days. My body feels like lead. I dont have the energy for the holidays. I wish I could move away. Start over. 

I'm having to pause to rest because I could not finish work yesterday. I became so spacey I could not think straight. I was missing turns and headed for an accident. Not running on time. 

Today I started hearing a voice. Hadn't heard it in a while. Unfortunately my mind isn't what it once was. 

I'm told that the medication isn't the answer. That I have to go slow. But I only have so much time. If I cant do my work and my writing what is the point? These people around me who dont trust me and dont understand? 

I'm very frustrated with the hospital. If I do need help, can I even trust them? Or will they blow things up again? Idk. 

I really wish that my life was different. But professional advice is to not expect understanding or major change. 

On the plus side, the workers did a great job fixing the floor. And the neighbors took care of the cat, though I know there was some resentment. Not sure what to do about that. They mostly avoid me. Not winning any popularity contests these days.

I really am uncertain. My functioning has changed so much, and at times ive been threatened... People have just been unhappy in general. I dont know what to do really. The hospital seems ... I honestly have no idea what they think. Hopefully they no longer want to jail me. But it doesnt seem a good time to take risks. If my finances weren't so bad maybe id buy a round of drinks or something. Ive found that a lot of people avoid me and I really don't know what happens next. 

My life is bizarre. I need to maybe... I really just want to work and write, but I feel like i can't if im not able to keep a clear head. I really could have a wreck. 

I feel very uneasy around people. I have two friends I talk to, I really find being around family like being in a foreign country. It's like i recognize the faces and voices, but its like I dont know them. 

I have trouble remembering what I've said. Sometimes I have extreme difficulty understanding people. My processing is so bad that English is almost is almost like a foreign language sometimes.

The doctors seem to want to still label me bipolar, even though I dont think its accurate, but at minimum I find it unhelpful. 

So now my life has somewhat devolved into this wierd state of being in which communication is extremely hit or miss. Life is very much like a razor blade... walking along the edge... you never know way you might go or what might happen. I'm finding it best to be vague and neutral in everything I say and do outside of two friends and two professionals. I do not feel like my energy and endurance can handle conflict. 

Unfortunately if I cant maintain work, matters may be out of my hands. Part of me tries to be ready... If danger finds me. My mind runs through contingincies, up to and including... I do not trust the hospital system... not at all. Maybe that's not fair. It's just that my life has changed so much. I haven't found it easy. I've been surprised a few times, both by my limits and by other people. 

Part of me feels that death is not far. I'm not sure why. Sometimes events happen so fast that it seems like anything is possible. Sometimes I feel my body prepared to run without warning. I truly do need to be very careful what I say. Sometimes I speak impulsively. 

The more time passes the I expect something to happen. Trust is very delicate... fragile like a house of cards. 

I dont have to wonder if people understand, i know they don't. They make it abundantly clear. It's just not always clear why they do what they do... sometimes i dont even know what they do believe, I just know its not the same. 

I need to build something while I still can. While my mind is still clear. But I think the disconnect is beginning to become difficult to sustain. I dont know what other people will do, but even if I do not run into further social problems, I'm not sure if my mind is strong enough to build what I want to build... the stories that I hope people will enjoy so much more then my actual presence. 

My body feels hard but hollow. Brittle. I'm not sure how strong it is. My mind feels stronger, wrapped in some armor, though less then in the past, and with so much happening, im not sure if it can endure and build these things. Further, my patience was never great, and the people around me do not sure my goals. 

It's hard to predict the future. Sometimes it seems that people can see through me. Sometimes they even seem uneasy. I feel like something is in motion... It feels like a constant vigilance... waiting to see what happens. 

I want to be productive while I still can. But which way is the wind blowing... I really should not have waited so long to write. Maybe I was too busy... maybe the words weren't clear... I have to build something while I still can. I hope its not too late. Time is not on my side, and the people around me have worked at cross purposes. 

I need to be more careful. This has not been going well. 

Maybe I should get out of here for a while. 

I'll never forget what the er said. We gotta ship this guy outta state. It's not a bad idea. I just dont know why I'm here.  A fresh start would be beautiful. 

A little bit of change. Not too much. Meet new people. 

I'm very worried about the future. My symptoms surge unpredictably.  I need to be extremely careful. I cant afford any emergencies. I feel on edge so often that I am exhausted.

I'm beginning to think I should get out of town. I need a breath of fresh air. Maybe go up to north Carolina, or even Virginia and Pennsylvania. I could visit some civil war sites. I really don't know why I'm here.

It's becoming difficult to maintain work. I'm more spacey. I'm in this balancing act with no clear answers. I have to maintain focus. I dont know if i can trust the Healthcare system. Sometimes I feel like I'm walking on a razor blade. As the edge cuts into my shoes I have no choice but to push forward, because oblivion lies on either side. 

Headaches, fatigue, even voices... that feeling of unreality, like I'm walking between worlds... an intense wary feeling knowing that communication can be hit or miss. 

Focusing on sensations to try to hear what my body and mind are telling me. Dreading every social encounter, unsure of what to expect and waiting for it to pass while filling in words without meaning like filling in a form at an appointment.

Is this the miracle of clozaril? Is this what it does? Sometimes I almost miss the drugged, chemically calm feeling... drifting through life like a log in the ocean, sedated and unaware.

I worry about the future. I'm running out of time. People around me passing judgment and writing my story without consulting me... deciding who I am, what i think and feel, why I do what I do, and what my future holds... will I be able to interject? Will anyone hear me or see me? Or have they moved on from the story of my life, having decided all the details for themselves? I'm not sure i want to know, I'm not sure if anyone truly sees me. I only hope that i get to have some say before I die.

    There's so very much going on in the world today. With so much going on and so many differences between all the people in the world, it's not hard to misinterpret or misjudge other people or to inadvertently upset someone. 

    Sometimes when a person focuses on their own life, it seems oblivious or uncaring or self absorbed. I find focusing on the things that I can control is the only thing I really can do. Focusing on my own life, doing my life as best as I can, is really the only thing I can do. Focusing on me helps to avoid unnecessary confrontation or getting in other people's way. If I am doing my own productivity and health as best as I can, then I'm making the world a better place. 

    I find people rather puzzling sometimes. Sometimes it takes me a while to figure them out, sometimes I never figure them out. I know myself better then I know other people, I know what to do in my life better then I know what to do with other people, unless they explicitly tell me exactly what they want. 

    In my life, I try to stay out of people's way. Sometimes this keeps everyone safer and more productive. Sometimes perhaps I come across as aloof, but I'd rather not get involved unless I know exactly what's going on and how I can make a situation better. 

    I've been spending most of my time alone. Having been confronted with the possibility of being homeless has changed my perspective. I'm trying to avoid risk. I am centering my life around my productivity and my health. I'm no good to anyone if I'm dead or unable to be productive. 

    Every day, everything I do is working towards building or maintaining those two things: health and productivity. I'm keeping my life as simple as possible, eliminating anything unnecessary as much as possible. I cannot rely on other people to ensure my safety. The only person that can keep me safe, productive, and healthy is me. 

    I hope to have more creative writing ready soon, but work and health have been a distraction. I worry everyday so much that I barely am able to focus enough to work. It takes all my energy to drive safely and be on time. I'm very aware that people find me odd, amusing, or irritating very often. That is why I stay out of their way. They do not understand what is going on with me. I do not enjoy confrontation. The best thing I can do is do what I do as efficiently as possible. 

    I don't know how to change the way people see me or how I feel. I do know the world is dangerous, and people can be confusing or worse. I can't afford any more setbacks nor do I desire to make people miserable. In a perfect world, there would be harmony, in the real world, there's distance. 

    It's taken me some time to look back at the past and piece together more of what happened. As the pieces come together I feel like I am seeing more of the truth. Yet I walk in a world of strangers who I cannot understand or seem to relate to. Millions and millions of people... 

    Some days ago a man stopped me on the street. He wanted directions to the supermarket. I was in the middle of a delivery and wasn't sure which way the supermarket was. Before I could think any further, I turned him away. The old me would have pulled out my phone and looked it up and helped him. The new me is so distracted, wary, and hyper focused on avoiding danger that I barely paused. 

    It seems somewhat absurd to be so guarded. I don't actually enjoy it. But I am so very tired. I have to be careful with my energy. There is nothing between me and oblivion but my own alertness and acuity. People are exhausting if you give them a chance, they will tear you down and rip you apart and not think twice. That is our society now. And that is why I cannot even stop to give directions. 

    Why people have to tear others down and be so vile I do not know. My energy is limited. I cannot afford any more risks. There is one person I can rely on without question. One person I can trust to do what is right, to understand, to help, to clear the confusion. One person that will truly defend me no matter what. One person I can trust. 

    Others, with their threats, their insults, their arrogance and their hatred, I have no time and no energy for those people. Energy is precious. I don't know why this is the way it is, but I know that my time on this earth is limited, and I want to build something before I am gone. So I must focus, and not waste time or energy on trying to please people who will never be pleased. 

    I do watch and wait to see if someone comes who is not like these others. I do think of the past when I had people around me that saw me differently. Before that doctor threatened me and quit. 3 years. I know no one cares or understands. They have made it more then obvious. I cannot waste time and energy on people like that. I must stay with the one person who is different. I don't know how to feel different, when the best others can do is make threats and condescend, I don't know what, exactly, changes. My time on earth is limited. I need to get some work done. 

    When hospitals prefer to invent new problems instead of solving the ones they have, THAT is the insurance fraud. That is the stupidity of the world. People just keep doubling down every time. Every time. Makes no sense.