Clozanno 3

This is year 3 without clozaril. I don't regret it. I feel more connected to myself. More genuine. This is who I really am deep down. This is me. I just don't have the energy.

Desire

Pools of blue and straw haired blonde

Lighting up my soul and beyond

Stars so bright shine in her eyes

And yet my heart her words deny

Drawing me inexorably towards

A kiss, a caress the highest reward

And when our eyes come forth to meet

Sparks will fly and hearts will beat

Truth it only runs from lies

At the sight my soul, it sighs

With the grace of an angel's flight

She returns my gaze with infinite sight.

Safe

The thing is, they did keep me safe. And I know they've put the blood, sweat and tears in. I just wanted it to be nicer. So I try again.  I pursue the jobs. I do the writing and drawing. The world seems so very different. I'm trying to make sure I go in the right direction.  So I can show them. 

 

    Spidey go easy on di health care werkers. Ebbyday. Gonna get webby. Make a whole new batch ob cobwebs while Jess looks for werk and Ashes files taxes. Make a pretty one for Krystal. Got some canvas arribing today. 

    I'm really pushing on this. I've been to a lot of hospitals. MIP has the poem, Springbrook never got theirs but it's on the poems page. What should I draw for krystal? I'm going impressionist, I think. Yes. I'm going to try to paint an impression of her. Remember, I'm new at this painting

Spidey a liddle slow on di uptake. Gonna do sumting real special. Spidey learn. Molly determined. Spidey give back.

Delusional

    I do like being delusional sometimes. It helps me to forgive. If I don't like something, well maybe it didn't really happen. Maybe xyz wasn't said or done. Even if im certain it was, maybe I can be delusional about it. Thats what I like about being delusional.  Sometimes its better when things didn't really happen.

Safety

Everyone deserves to feel safe in their home and at thier job. I don't wish harm to anyone in Greenville County. I've had some concerns about diagnoses and medications. But health care workers need to be safe and well treated. They need breaks and vacations. It helps them to remember why they do what they do. To remember who they are. To keep them fresh so they can take good care of the people. 

Justice Revisited

     Now it makes more sense. See, it doesn't matter what happened on Woodruff Road or under Church Street, because they didn't understand Autism or trauma as well back then and one is retired and the other has already been spoken to. 

    And looking back, I know I needed to understand first Prichards and Leaves, then I went to Springbrook to understand the drugs and the labels a little better, and then I had to go back to MIP to understand what role Arson and MIP played in all this. And it really was a misunderstanding of Autism and trauma that became known as Bipolar for me. Again, I think Clarity is right, that the CAPD and ADHD are mild. So then that means that I can focus on now, I think. The work, the writing, the finding someone. Though I feel like health care professionals understand this stuff better and I'd like to find someone who understands it. 

    Definitely black box warning on ritalin. 

Flappy

 

Thinking of Krystal makes me flappy.

Krystal

     Krystal works at MIP as a mental health Technician. Her real name starts with a K or a C, I can't remember. She has those blue eyes and the blonde hair. She's quiet, contemplative around me. She strikes me as intelligent and kind. I wish I could know her. But maybe that's why I shouldn't go back. I need to focus. She was so beautiful. I didn't ask her much. Maybe this doesn't help my reputation but I'm human.

The Process of Frustration

    I need to put this in a book. I keep getting distracted. Frustration can come fast and hard in the form of betrayal, or slow and steady in the form of burnout. 

    Betrayal can look like someone you trusted misdiagnosing you and trying to sabotage your counselor. It also look like someone you were in charge of the care of doing something like reporting you to an agency or threatening people or misusing information that they were trusted with. 

    Burnout is more of that slow and steady, day after day, why do I have to deal with these people still after all this time, the same problems, the same old BS. Pushing too hard, doing too much, getting in trouble and getting overwhelmed. 

    Maybe the hospital was right to stop the ritalin. Black Box. 

Good News

     I got some good news today. The tax service I applied to wants to interview me. I need to balance. I reopened my accounting website, applied to jobs, and I'm trying to work on my writing and this advocacy so that's a lot. I need to focus on managing my medication correctly, counseling, and these work things plus mailing in my taxes and my insurance renewal. 

    I need to go easy on the healthcare workers. I was angry about the Bipolar BS and my former Psychiatrist. But it's time to put that away for good. I have AS, mild ADHD/CAPD, and cPTSD/DID. I need to stop visiting Psych Hospitals. I need to focus. I can't afford to fool around. We can get past a misdiagnosis if we don't repeat past mistakes.

One of You

    I like Dr. Small. She works with Arson. If I have to go back, put me with Small. She listens. I did work at crisisline. I was one of you. It's hard to care. I've been so focused on understanding all this history and labels and meds. There's still hope. let me be what I can be.

Ritalin (Adult warning)

    Ritalin is one of the many stimulants I've been prescribed. It can increase focus tremendously. Side effects include loss of appetite (and loss of weight), nausea, anger, and apparently suicidal fantasies. It was after having some frustration with brain fog/dissociation that i took one, flew into a flight of anger and started picturing buying a gun, going to MIP, and putting a bullet in my head in front of north wing. Blackbox warning.

Prismally Speaking

     I feel I have to keep this blog going. I feel like I've been wearing on my families and on my counselor by not giving everyone the same story at the same time. And I want everyone to feel safe and to not push too hard. I need to stay focused. We didn't know as much about Autism or DID in the 90s. Nevermind the ADHD or the CAPD. Those are minor. I need to focus on managing the biggest problems. I need to focus on not scaring people or being inconsistent, though that may be a challenge. 

    I hope there is still hope for me to find someone. That's why I need to focus on this. That's why I need to be transparent and deliberate. Because otherwise we're looking at prison or lawsuits or abrupt endings. Or a combination. 

    Anyways. I need to stay focused. I love to listen to the birds in the mornings. I need to work on myself some more. I need to not be impulsive or spend or use excessive medication. I need to avoid blaming or avoiding responsibility. This is not fun and games and I need to remind myself of that from time to time. If I'm ever going to be with someone. I need to be realistic. Molly and Coffee are working on getting in touch. I'm counting on my friends. My healthcare friends. So that I can find someone and have that happy ending. 

    I know Arson. I know why he's angry. He sees me as throwing this away. And he's right. I can't do that. So, I need to focus. I need to not waste resources. I need to be serious. And I'll need to keep reminding myself. I have responsibilities. This is really taking most of my focus, but accounting is the day job. I've been working on applying for other jobs and getting my house a little more in order. But I've been a little discouraged. It's been harder to focus on the fiction writing with so much reality coming up. 

    I need to be careful what I say. When the anger comes into focus, I can scare people. 

Games

     I can't play games with this. I have DID. Not Bipolar. It's as serious as cancer. Hopefully not as deadly. I need to be very careful not to push too hard, be dishonest, or misuse prescription medication. I need to remember there are no magical solutions. This is a long term thing. 

    I get pains in my liver area and on the left side of my chest. I don't report every single symptom I have because there's not much the internist can do with so many symptoms that make so little sense. And I'm afraid of doctors. I failed to show up for the internist and for the stomach doctor. Because I know the medical staff is uneasy around me. And perhaps they have reason to. 

    I need to be honest. Or this could end badly. And I don't want it to all be about me. There are other people that need help. And the kids need a turn. But I reopened accountec and I'm going to try to go out more. I need to use my earplugs, so that I don't hear too much. Mostly the sensations are in my head. But my stomach, heart, and liver are the next biggest areas, then the bladder. Feet have improved a lot. the right foot still is slightly less functional then the left. I just need to not get overconfident. I can't afford to wear people out. 

    Today we're playing pickleball. It will be a nice day. I like people. I need to go easy on them. 

Worry and Working Together

    I need to be careful. I've been scaring people again. Thinking about the time I bought the gun and being angry about March's hospitalization yielded bad results. I had a bad fantasy. I need to be careful about telling people about these fantasies. They scare people. I like people. I really do. I care about them. I can't scare them anymore. It wears on them. 

    I need to stay away from the prescription drug excesses. And I need to get rid of that ritalin. I never gave it back. I have a chance to have a life. But I need to stay away from excessive medication and bad psychiatry. Because I like people. Sometimes I get into denial after so much mixed-up reality. I want this to be a happy story. I want MIP to be glad. Glad that we made it. But my energy is low. My body gives me the impression, from the various tingling and headaches and lack of sleep and pain and nauseas and etc that it has limited capacity for stress. I can't push it too hard. 

    This can't be about lawsuits and guns. That's not the way. It's so not the way. That's not how people heal. They wonder why I need a counselor. They spread rumors about what I do with her. What I think about her. I need a counselor because of bad psychiatry. But I'm pushing people too hard. That much has become obvious. I can't afford to push them too hard. They don't understand DID in the slightest. That's the impression I get. But I haven't been great at explaining. I've been learning too. 

    I'm just worried what I might say around people. Because I'm still angry. I like people. I wish I had the energy to do more. I don't. I really don't. I'm tired almost all the time. I need to try to exercise some and get more sleep. I need to be EXTREMELY careful about stress. I'm worried that I scare the nursing staff. The other staff seems to resent me. They think I'm playing games with this DID thing. I was told Arson married Elle. It's no wonder they find me triggering. They've had intense experiences with me. Very intense. She says Arson doesn't understand. She's right. He doesn't. 

    Some people are in denial. Sometimes they reach for magical solutions like psilocybin or other drugs. I believe the potential for healing is limited. I believe the body and the mind have limited capacity. I hope they understand that I can only do so much. They wanted me to advocate, they just don't like me advocating for DID, they wanted it to be bipolar. They wanted to be right. They were wrong. But we still have a chance. If we work together. But we can't wear each other out. Their denial gives me false hope. I cannot afford false hope. I need to focus on the basics of self-care. I can still have a life. I know they want to believe I'm lying. That this is all bullshit. Unfortunately, those beliefs are dangerous. We have to work together. Unfortunately, DID is a very serious illness. I can't afford fantasies. I can't afford to believe in magical solutions. Every time I buy into it, my body pays for it. But I'm going to have to be 100% honest and go very slow. Keep it simple. Keep it simple. I do like people. I don't like to scare them. 

    The fantasy was about buying another gun and ... ending it as it started. At MIP. The place that the magic maker was born. Where I met him. I was going to show him the results of bad psychiatry. But this needs to be a story of hope. Not of abrupt endings. So, we're not going down that road. We agreed on that. But if I push too hard... I get unstable. We can't go down that road. This is literally as serious as cancer. It's time we all wake up to that fact. Myself included.