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    I'm trying to keep a cohesive memory. So, I've been spending time reviewing what's happened. I'm actually surprised the ER visit went so well. I did have some intrusive thoughts on the way out. But I found them easy to ignore. It was just some of the anger coming back to me. They were nice though. 

    I guess when I was little, they really were like family because my dad worked there. I felt like they liked me better before I grew up and developed mental illness. I wanted to be successful so that they would be proud, I guess. Part of me still looks for them to be proud. I feel like life is supposed to look different when you come from a doctor's family. People expect it to look different. 

    It was weird to see dr. darcy again. They asked me about Bipolar and paranoia again. I'm tired of talking that stuff. The whole point of these labels is to describe people's problems accurately so that they can deal with them better. But if the damn meds don't work and the label becomes a regurgitating talking point, what the heck is the point? Anyways, I take the meds. I can't reinvent the wheel every 6 months. 

Gender Conformity and Ableism

 

   I think two forces that have had major destructive impacts on my life are Gender Conformity and Ableism. Ableism is a big part of mental health stigma, but they are not the same. 

    Ableism is the belief that people who are nuerotypical (don't have things like autism, Down's Syndrome, retardation, mental illness, etc) and physically normal (not in wheelchairs, etc), are superior to those who are different. This goes back to Asperger, Nazism, and medicalized perfection. See the Nazis wanted perfect people too, all blue and blonde haired and strong and perfect. Only America takes it in a different direction. Instead of overtly trying to genetically perfect the population, we use other means. We stigmatize people who are different ("We're going to have to ship him out of state", jail threats, put downs, denial of accommodations) we use means to "thin out the herd". 

    We're not that much different from Nazis in some ways. The Nazis performed human experimentation to try to find ways to perfect humans. They gave amphetamines to soldiers, performed unethical medical experiments on Jews, they had a vision. I try to tolerate people who are different and find things to appreciate in them. Because I know what it's like to be medically perfected and examined from every angle to find faults. 

    Gender conformity is slightly different in that it's about the idea that men and women have distinctly different roles in society due to their biological differences. Some common ideas are that women should not work and that men are supposed to be strong and silent and all about their careers. It's very black and white thinking applied to genetic differences. Like Ableism, it fails to take into the account that humans are imperfect living organisms that do not conform to schematics. We were not designed, we were formed or created as imperfect beings to live in harmony, not to destroy one another. 

Post ER Visit

    It feels good to be getting Pristiq back in my system. I was really relieved by the difference in the ER staff yesterday. They were much more receptive. 

    I think I need to reduce my mychart messages more. I get frustrated with the doctors and some of the staff. I'm trying to increase my trust and improve my regulation. I may have called the doctors something like jealous incompetent idiots or something like that and I believe I told them that some people should rot in hell. Maybe a bit abrasive. Maybe I'm oversensitive. I'm trying to take this in a more positive direction. Because I believe that rather than fantasizing about guns and explosives that I should focus on trying to treat them the way I want to be treated. So that's what I tried to do. I was actually there for about 4-5 hours, not 2. I lose track of time. 

    So now I just need the rest of the pristiq. And to stay positive. Be me. The best me I can be.

Damaged Trust

    Trust is a delicate thing. It can be so powerful when it is well formed and treated with respect. I feel like going to the ER helped restore my trust. Because it was nothing like last time. There were no threats, there were no sides, there was no Elle, there was no talk of drugs... this time, they focused on the problem and the solution(s). That's what medicine should be like. That's exactly what it should be like. It gives me hope. It makes me think I can trust the ER. 

    I want to believe that the system can work! I hope this is a new leaf!

Medicine

    I feel like what I'm learning about medicine is that it is fast paced. The workers don't necessarily have the time or the patience to help, especially with autism, especially with poor communication, especially with symptoms that don't clearly match a defined illness with a defined treatment plan like these bumps that come up on my skin or emotional dysregulation or memory issues. Life isn't that simple and who has time for some disabled guy that's hard to understand and unstable when there are people with jobs and clearly defined problems and good communication. 

    I'm simply not important enough or likeable enough or with problems that are easily resolved, and it's much easier to blame delta 8 or Spravato and say screw the patient let's jail him rather than solve a problem that isn't easily solved. I'm glad my counselor has a different perspective, or I truly would be screwed. Not because they don't want to help, they simply don't know how. And with my lack of sleep and poor boundaries it's not like it's easy. I just struggle to know what to do when my body hurts, I'm tired, I have trouble keeping up, and I literally have trouble remembering and communicating. 

    At least most of the doctors don't threaten me. That's a plus. 

I honestly don't know how I would keep going without writing. It's really the heart of me. My faith has been badly shaken since 2019-2021. The way I look at the world is so different. Theres this gnawing sense of despair. Because I did idolize prichards. It wasn't realistic. It never truly was. It's a shattered illusion of some 20+ years. There was a sense of safety that never truly recovered.

They did the mash! They did the monster mash! They did the mash! It was a psych ward smash!

 

$20 on the patient! $60 on dr. Psych! Nono! $80 says she pins him!

    I've been a little stuck on the things that didn't work out. I'm trying to focus on the things that do work as well as the new things I can do that I didn't do before. Hopefully, that's enough. Sometimes the alternative to "if life gives you lemons, make lemonade" is "if life gives you unhappy endings, write new ones"

Di internist is so berry pwoud! Lowest blood sugar on record. Woohoo!

501(c)(4)

     I decided to launch an effort to maintain Friends of Upstate Healthcare as a 501(c)(4). Maybe this will help me to move in a positive direction with my advocacy. It's all too easy to get lost in negativity. If anyone wants to join, please email ashesndust@outlook.com. Note this is intentionally a separate entity from Accountec LLC, which is a for profit business. 

Clozaril

    The thing about Clozapine is that it numbed me out really good. Which had both positive and negative effects. It desensitized me so that I wasn't as aware. Which is bad. But made me numb to so many negative emotions. Long term, it was not working. I wasn't processing and developing the keenness of insight that I needed to be effective. 

Why i think processing is important

    I think processing is important because it helps me to be more deliberate about decisions. To look before I leap. Looking back, what I should have done before calling 911 was to take the Ativan. Or if I could have managed the er triggers better, I could have peed and gone home. Either way, stopping Spravato was necessary. Definitely. That stuff surprised me. I definitely feel more cautious about medication. But I'm glad to have more of a say in it then I used to. That sense of control is a relief. 

Medications

Medications can be a lot to deal with. But we're almost where we need to be. If we get this stimulants fine tuned, then the only remaining issue is to see if the propranolol can be discontinued so that I can do immunotherapy for my allergies. Then I want to write about my experiences with thc and spravato. Spravato was particularly alarming in some of its effects. It was more different from ketamine then I anticipated. I don't think I will miss it. Do I regret trying it? 🤔 Maybe. It definitely changed my perception. But that's a story for another time.

Ritalin

The ritalin seems to be making flashbacks worse. But it helps me focus. Catch 22.

 🫂🫂 

Spidey peel bedder 🌞 🌈 

"Oh great, he wants to be studied"

     I know Arson pretty well. I'm pretty sure I know why he said that. I'm not so great at communicating in person. I know some members of the mental health community check this blog. Sometimes it's awkward. But overall, I'm glad. It's like having people watching over me. I worry what people think. Sometimes they jump to conclusions. But a reasonable person, taking what I say in whole, gets a pretty decent picture. My BP was initially 154 or so over 94 at the internist. Then it was 124 over 70 something. It jumps up and down in health care facilities. Does that all the time. But it's nice to be home. 

Balance

 

    I'm trying to find a balance. While also making my own choices. Hopefully I'm getting there. I have some taxes to study, entries to create, medical appointments, business appointments, etc to do. Hopefully we're learning. 

Assumptions

     Perhaps the hospital has to make assumptions. Perhaps they have to assume that Prichards didn't REALLY repeatedly recommend both CBD and THC. Perhaps they have to assume that their own employees don't admit to having used it. Perhaps they have to assume that my counselor doesn't know what she's doing. Perhaps they have to assume that I'm lying. Perhaps they have to assume that their own lying isn't harmful in the ER or in MIP. Perhaps they assume that threats are ok. I don't believe they are. Perhaps they have to make a lot of assumptions, because they are too busy to coordinate care (lots of patients) or because I am not fully transparent or because people in my families lie sometimes. 

    We all have different information, different skills, different judgement. And we all have our own history and our own responsibilities. I just get frustrated. So I have to isolate until I figure all these things out. Because I do know that my counselor knows what she is doing and she is literally trying to help me help these people and help myself. And that's a lot. 

    There has been dysfunctional behavior around me. And at the end of the day we can't blame "Bipolar" or "I didn't know" for everything. But there are many medications that can be dangerous beyond THC. Mirapex and prazosin are just a couple of examples. And plenty of people take drugs. Many work for the hospital system. 

Catch

    Counseling can be like playing catch. I just hope no one drops the ball. I like coordination of care because it helps people catch. I guess the hospital didn't understand. I guess my counselor knows the difference. That takes courage. I have courage too sometimes. Being in inpatient takes courage. Especially when people aren't working together. If there was a painless and straight path, I would take it. I want to focus on fiction, because this healthcare stuff is distracting. And then there's Accounting. It seems like a lot. 

    I did used to mostly just take drugs and do video games and intermittent work. But I started counseling to change that. I started counseling because the empty life revolving around drug carousels and video games wasn't working for me. Now, I feel like I'm effective with people. I'm more careful. I see drugs differently. 

    Telling the truth can be ugly. Sometimes the truth involves things like anger, thinking about suicide, resentment, fear, regret, guilt. I regret not speaking the truth to my families. I regret contacting the nurse. I regret letting the bullshit about my counselors continue. I regret letting them treat me like a robot. I regret idealing Prichards, I very much regret ever having known Assmussen. I hope he rots in hell. Well, maybe just some extended purgatory. 

    But I learned a lot from the shrinks. I like picking their brains. I like having two teams, each with psychiatrists involved. It helps me understand people. I'm learning how to navigate. I'm trying to keep the best lessons about trust and emotion. So that someday I can have my own family. 

    I just don't give away trust for free. Especially not to dipshit knowitalls in psych wards. I'm sure they had fun, picking on people that were better than them. But it just goes to show how limited their minds are. How stupid they really are. They need to expand their craniums. Fornication is not ok. 

    My walls are reshaping a bit. I'm learning what to let in, what to keep out. Because Molly is patient. She's always been in it for the long haul. Even if others slow her down. She's stubborn. Just like me.