Trust and hospitals

    So now I'm learning about trust and "don't spread your trauma". I'm learning about lies and secrets. Though I'm pretty sure by "don't spread your trauma" they didn't mean write about this. Oh well. Because the fact is, I was misled. The fact is, in the 90s we didn't understand autism and trauma as well. The fact is, I don't actually have Bipolar. But I understand why they did what they did. They had limited options. 

    But trust can be hard. Telling people the truth is a risk. I had to protect myself. And I did. And then I can be delusional about the rest. It was all just a dream. A nightmare of a dream. I can't play games with these people. It's too dangerous. I also can't pretend I don't need the meds. Because some problems are real. Some diagnoses are real. Just not Bipolar.

GOOD MORNING GREENVILLE COUNTY

    DIS IS SPIDEY, YOR FABORITE ARACHNID! A warm shout out to all di Black Widows ob di area! Be careful what you eat! It may just be your mate!

    Onto di Wedder... Today will be anudder scorcher! Highs will be hitting 90, so make sure you hydrate! 

    In udder noose, INDEPENDENCE DAY APPROACHES, so stock your barbecue and prepare to watch di parade!

Gambling

 Dear Elle,

    I'd better hope I know what I'm doing. This is a different type of gamble. I don't know how much change is possible. But I want to believe. How much can I do? I'm trying to trust.

    I didn't have much choice in the hospital. There was an agenda from the beginning. I could not engage with it. The staff was misguided and distracted by my past. The patients were hateful and ignorant. Not just towards me. I had to shut them out. Defense mechanism. 

    But it worked. Now I just need the follow through. Hopefully I can manage that. I guess you can't always protect me. I certainly can't protect you now. Maybe I can protect myself.

Ashes

Sleep

     The quality of my sleep seems to be increasing. I'm encouraged by the support I have received over social media. I'm going to keep trying to think positive because I know there are people rooting for me. Maybe not all of them understand, but they are rooting for me, and I want to make the work worth it. I'm getting in the habit of leaving the tv on during the day to reinforce a sense of normalcy and improve focus. I know there are people that want me to see this through, slow learner that I may be. This is my fight. I've got to be stubborn about it.