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Monday, July 28, 2025
Dear Psychiatry
Thursday, July 17, 2025
Kenzie
Sunday, July 13, 2025
Dear Leaves,
I hope that I'm doing this right. I've had headaches and nausea, anxiety, trouble sleeping, lack of energy, lack of focus, lack of medication, lots of frustration... this has been exhausting. Trust is so hard sometimes. So very hard. My perception is changing. I hope I'll like myself when the dust settles. Sometimes I worry that I might say or do something I will regret. I feel very, very afraid to talk to people. It seems like I never know what to say. Sometimes conversations just stop, and I never figure out what went wrong. I can't stay this way forever. This earthly purgatory is running me into the ground. Sometimes death seems inevitable. It seems just weeks or days away. I feel confused much more often than clear, but that's nothing new. I need to find a better way.
Ashes
Saturday, July 12, 2025
Perfectionism
Perfectionism can be an ugly thing. That person who cannot accept anything unless it just right. From the boss who wants reports in detail and pretty handwriting with all the gushing and fakeness and idealization of the job and the organization from the hospital that tries to mold patients into perfect citizens without any real concept of humanity, life can be beautifully ugly at times. People will always find something to criticize NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO. It is human nature to find imperfection. It is human nature to complain.
But where does perfect become too perfect? Where is the line on good enough? Do I look attractive enough? Healthy enough? Happy enough? Do I have enough money and status symbols? Does my family echo the very model of perfection regardless of the reality? Do I prattle on with excessive words about how great I am long after it is clear that no one is listening? Some people do. Here I am, in earthly purgatory to expunge my sins of having the courage to call people out for their bullshit. Here I am being lied about and verbally assaulted in hospitals because I contacted a nurse or because I objected to my former psychiatrist engaging in repeated boundary violations and unethical conduct and having the courage to report such conduct to the Medical Board. But no, we're not done yet, let's rinse and repeat. Because we haven't blamed the patient enough for our ethical failures. Cuz we're so damn perfect, us doctors. We gotta circle the wagons and find excuses and lies and scapegoats.
NEVER MIND that we recommended and prescribed the meds. NEVER MIND the patient was following our instructions to take THC as we repeatedly encouraged. Let's blame the patient and run him around from this center to that, finding new lies and problems at every turn just to run his insurance into the ground. Never mind that it pissed off IMA so much. Never mind our own failures, let's blame the patient. Great ideas guys. Then let's get the staff and patients to help. Let's demonize and find every possible fault, real or imaginary and blow them out of all proportion in order to perfect the maximum. That is the malpractice. That is the insurance fraud. And I'm tired of it. Just be glad I have a counselor that knows what she is doing FAR BETTER than any of you. Otherwise, this would be a situation for the attention of a court it's such a fucking mess.
I don't have enough metaphors for this shit, but maybe someday I will.
Targeting and South Carolina Hospitals
Friday, July 11, 2025
Ethics and Healthcare
Healthy Ethics in Healthcare is important.
#1 If you do a crappy job, you don't help the patient, and people generally find out
#2 If you don't help the patient, then you burden other providers
#3 If you don't help the patient, it increases the burden on the system and increases costs
So my healthcare providers and I are helping each other by communicating better. I get healthier, and they have less work to do. Providers that promote a reputation as being MAGIC MAKERS or by demonizing other providers really do shoot themselves in the foot. People find out. The patient doesn't get helped. And you increase costs by stroking your own ego and wallet.
Anyways...
I hope health care professionals are paying attention. Here's a recap:
- Speak the truth. Don't lie.
- Don't threaten
- DO YOUR DAMN JOB RIGHT THE FIRST TIME
- Don't spread rumors or encourage them
- Respect the law at all times
- Demonstrate common sense and compassion. It's what your job is supposed to be about.
- LISTEN TO THE WORDS THAT I AM SAYING TO YOU. HABLE INGLES????
- TREAT THE ACTUAL SYMPTOMS AS PRESENTED AT THE TIME THEY ARE PRESENTED.
- Don't engage with family members that have toxic behaviors. You're wasting your time.
You'll save yourself some embarrassment and extra work.
What you might try
What you might try is practicing what you preach in these hospitals. Good boundaries. Telling the truth. Proper nutrition and exercise. Not spreading rumors about one of other health care providers. Being ethical. Otherwise, do us all a favor and quit. You embarrass yourselves with your failure and your lies. Because guess what? PEOPLE EVENTUALLY FIND OUT. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. But they do find out. Just food for thought. Don't let a few bad eggs spoil the bunch and don't be hypocrites. People figure it out. I'm not getting paid to help you out so you might as well take some free assistance.
Remember the old adage: Do it right the first time, you only have to do it once. You stabilize a bad reaction to Spravato without engaging in excessive bullshit, you save yourselves and your coworkers some time. I only have so many metaphors and so much resilience, so hope someone is getting the fucking point. Do your job right or quit. For the love of God, please.
Tuesday, July 8, 2025
Monday, July 7, 2025
Dear Angry Mental Patient
Dear Angry Mental Patient,
I'm glad you and the others are getting along better. How's the old body doing? The head have enough space for the 8 of you? When you sneeze, does someone come out? Are the sinuses ventilating well, or is it getting hot in there? If Jess takes her clothes off, is it sexy or is she truly invisible? So many questions! I have such a curious mind. I sent in the pills you ordered, just eat them slowly.
On brighter news, I talked to Elle and she got your messages. She talked to the others like you asked. There was a bit of resentment, but they understand. I hope you don't take it too hard. Spravato is new, the looking up thing happened a long time ago. She'll be ok. The staff can't wait to see you again. They'll even throw in a pair of free scrubs and an honorary name tag (That doesn't unlock the doors. Nice try.) Oh, and Peytlin got the soccer balls. I'll say hi to Arson for you.
Coffee
Sunday, July 6, 2025
Dear Elle,
Maybe the time to get better at this was high school. Maybe I'm just good at overthinking. I have to find larger purpose. You know I do pray sometimes. I prayed in MIP, even as the jackals berated me. I prayed in McLean, as I walked the dark halls. Sometimes bad experiences can drive people with the same force and intensity as good ones. I'm reminded of the Count of Monte Cristo, one of my favorite stories. My focus seriously isn't as good as it used to be.
I trusted you, I relied on you. You never let me down. You know what I regret? I regret thinking that I had to be the name. So obsessed with how things appeared. Now I find myself rejecting that, running to the solace of the shadows, finding freedom in being unknown because known simply wasn't working out that well. I'm sorry I wasn't stronger.
Ashes
Friday, July 4, 2025
More to Me
Dear Elle,
I just wish you could see that there's more to me then what you knew in the hospital. So much more. I'm not just some crazy guy on meds that you took care of. I'm more then that. I wish you could see. I remember sitting with you in the gym. You had the reports you were writing in that pretty girly print with the colored ink. You didn't mind that I didn't go play with the others. I would sit and talk to you. While you wrote report. I trusted you. I'm glad you were there.
Truly yours,
Ashes
For Elle
A gift of grace that lasts forever
And I'm glad you were there by me
To help me keep myself together
You should know, everywhere I go
Always on my mind, in my heart
In my soul
You're a leader in my life
You're the inspiration
You give reasons for my life
You're the inspiration
Wanna have you hear me
I wanna have you hear me sayin'
And I know, yes I know that I need it plain to see
How you helped keep me together
And I know that could not be just me
Whom you helped to learn to shine
You should know, everywhere I go
Always on my mind, in my heart
In my soul
You're a leader in my life
You're the inspiration
You give reasons for my life
You're the inspiration
Wanna have you hear me
I wanna have you hear me sayin'
You were there when I needed you, it's true
And I know, yes I know that I need it plain to see
How you helped keep me together
And I know that could not be just me
Whom you helped to learn to shine
You're a leader in my life
You're the inspiration
You give reasons for my life
You're the inspiration
When you save somebody
Through the weight of time
You kept my spirit alive
When you save somebody through the weight of time
When you save somebody
Always on my mind
Thursday, July 3, 2025
Dear Elle
Wednesday, July 2, 2025
Crosses are Red
Some scrubs are blue
Your faborite arachnid
Has some praise for you!
Spidey tinks di oppice is berry nice. My internist is pretty and smart! The ears reelly do peel bedder! Ebbentually, I'll need a full physical, so you may have to introduce me to your doctor friend. Spidey needs to stay out ob di hospitals. Letz keep werking on dat. Tell di staff I said Hi!
Fondly,
Spidey
Past Reflections
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The full strength of the storm had set itself against me and I had prevailed. In all honesty, it was not even a proper mountain, merely a gl...
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The voice on the phone was familiar to him and still talking, but he had stopped listening several minutes ago. She obviously didn't...
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For Ashes, life was always about the spark. The hard part was avoiding a wild fire. With the spark, everything was meaningless. But after a ...
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I can honestly say I never understood the world. I was naïve. The people around me told me I had to change, to be like them. I wanted to, bu...
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I have lost my way before, it's true. I have retreated into the distance, pulling back from the world in pursuit of shelter from the sto...