Down for the Count

I'm taking a vacation day because I'm really not myself without the pristiq.

What I don't Expect vs What I do

    I don't actually expect MIP to give a damn. It's tribalism at work. I certainly don't expect CCBH to have any desire to admit fault or acknowledge facts. I don't expect my brother and I to ever see eye to eye. 

    What I can't tolerate is the targeting and the condescension. The patronizing. I'm tired of the same old bullshit. I prefer to keep my distance. It's clear that no one was listening at any point in March other than my counselor. Which is why I didn't try very hard. It's not repairable and it's not worth it. Maybe we've gone from time to think to time to stay away. Because otherwise it's just more of the same. I don't see how so many years of psychiatric shenanigans gets a reset because everyone has decided on their facts and the bad guy(s). 

    I guess I thought that with humor and holding back I could change the dynamic. But that doesn't seem to be proving true. 

    What I do expect is that I will get my meds filled ASAP because the sudden stopping of Pristiq and the problems with anger and focus are real problems. The bullshit lies about addiction are not. They are an unproductive diversion. 

    I'm trying to forget the past and to avoid unhealthy situations.

This is how we blew it
(This is how we blew it)
(This is how we blew it)
 
This is how we blew it
It was inpatient night and I felt like a fight
The screwup was there on southwest side
So I reach for my BP and I turn it up
Designated doc take the keys to my chart
 
Hit the ward 'cause I'm faded
LPC's in the street say, Ash, you jaded
I feel so screwed by my crew tonight
The summertime jerks and my guys in the unit
All the STAFFERs DIDN'T forget about the TEXTING
You gotta get your dx on before you go get discharged
So light up your chart and throw your hands up
And let me hear the staffers say
 
I'm kinda puzzed and it's all because
(This is how we blew it)
Southwest does it like nobody does
 
(This is how we blew it)

To all my doctors, you got much gall
(This is how we blew it)
Let's fuck the mind, mouth off with a rhyme
(This is how we blew it)

 
This is how we blew it, throw scripts in the air
And disburse them from here to there
If you're an big time shrink or a wanna-be druggist

You see the pharms been good to me

Ever since I was a lower case P (sych)

But now I'm a big P

The docs see I got the crazy

pumped up chart, y'all

If you were from where I'm from

Then you would know

That I'm gonna get mine cuz I'm fucked in the mind

You can get yours in anotha ward

Whatever it is, the party's underway

So light up your chart and throw your hands up

And let me hear the staffers say

I'm kinda puzzed, it's all because

(This is how we blew it)

Southwest does it like nobody does

(This is how we blew it)

To all my doctors, you got much gall

(This is how we blew it)

Let's fuck the mind, mouth off with a rhyme

(This is how we blew it)

I'm kinda puzzed, it's all because

(This is how we blew it)

Southwest blows it like nobody does

(This is how we blew it)

CCBH, MIP

(This is how we blew it) All my staffers

I'm no criminal mack an you know that's a fact

(This is how we blew it)

Check it out

Once upon a time in '24

Ashes went texting a nurse off duty

And all they said was he must be stalkin

So they lit up the ward with lies and talkin

There lived a LPC who said that ain't cool with me

she came up to ashes, this is what she said

You gotta tell your story

So the bullshit don't get all the glory

 

Oh, I'm puzzing because

(This is how we do it)

Southwest blows it like nobody does

(This is how we do it)

To all my doctors, you got much gall

(This is how we blew it)

Let's fuck the mind, mouth off with a rhyme

(This is how we blew it)

I'm kinda puzzed, it's all because

(This is how we blew it)

Southwest blows it like nobody does

(This is how we blew it)

Oh, it's analyze time

(This is how we blew it)

Straight up coming from the southwest side

(This is how we blew it)

Oh, some got the 'tude, yeah

(This is how we blew it)

And Ashes knows it like nobody does

(This is how we blew it)

Come on now, Ward

You know that this is how we blew it

This is how we blew it

Yo Elle, this Ashes, RN, the patient, your patient

Elle, I didn't mean to scare you

I'm trying to put this behind me

But the lies about my past are too much

I can't agree with MIP.

I want you to know that I didn't want this to happen

I was sad and afraid

You always looked out for me

But I'm gonna leave you be, peace

 Spidey gets to have emotions too. Spidey dudent knead di hospitals! Spidey take care of self. Molly help.

Perfectionism

     Perfectionism can be an ugly thing. That person who cannot accept anything unless it just right. From the boss who wants reports in detail and pretty handwriting with all the gushing and fakeness and idealization of the job and the organization from the hospital that tries to mold patients into perfect citizens without any real concept of humanity, life can be beautifully ugly at times. People will always find something to criticize NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO. It is human nature to find imperfection. It is human nature to complain. 

    But where does perfect become too perfect? Where is the line on good enough? Do I look attractive enough? Healthy enough? Happy enough? Do I have enough money and status symbols? Does my family echo the very model of perfection regardless of the reality? Do I prattle on with excessive words about how great I am long after it is clear that no one is listening? Some people do. Here I am, in earthly purgatory to expunge my sins of having the courage to call people out for their bullshit. Here I am being lied about and verbally assaulted in hospitals because I contacted a nurse or because I objected to my former psychiatrist engaging in repeated boundary violations and unethical conduct and having the courage to report such conduct to the Medical Board. But no, we're not done yet, let's rinse and repeat. Because we haven't blamed the patient enough for our ethical failures. Cuz we're so damn perfect, us doctors. We gotta circle the wagons and find excuses and lies and scapegoats. 

    NEVER MIND that we recommended and prescribed the meds. NEVER MIND the patient was following our instructions to take THC as we repeatedly encouraged. Let's blame the patient and run him around from this center to that, finding new lies and problems at every turn just to run his insurance into the ground. Never mind that it pissed off IMA so much. Never mind our own failures, let's blame the patient. Great ideas guys. Then let's get the staff and patients to help. Let's demonize and find every possible fault, real or imaginary and blow them out of all proportion in order to perfect the maximum. That is the malpractice. That is the insurance fraud. And I'm tired of it. Just be glad I have a counselor that knows what she is doing FAR BETTER than any of you. Otherwise, this would be a situation for the attention of a court it's such a fucking mess. 

    I don't have enough metaphors for this shit, but maybe someday I will. 

Targeting and South Carolina Hospitals

    Hospitals are magnets for potential abuse. You get that many people having a hard time having it together and you have a recipe for disaster. Close quarters, lack of privacy, competing interests... all kinds of unhealthy behavior come out. 

    Take MIP, for example. I know for certain you would not believe me if I described to you the degree of targeting that occurred. Was I given a chance to apologize to the nurse for contacting her that ONE day a VERY VERY LONG TIME AGO when I wasn't feeling well and I was wanting her to protect me like she had before? Did they even ask once why I contacted her? Did they even give a shit or were they too interested in taking out their anger, from patients to nurses to techs? No. They were not. No, I was not given a chance to apologize to her or to explain why. They want to turn hospitals into toxic messes, they certainly know how. It's called Targeting. It doesn't matter why you're having a bad day. Maybe you're depressed and you came there as a patient. Maybe you're a tech who simply doesn't her job. Maybe you're a nurse who feels the right to defend one of your own from being contacted outside the hospital, even though you don't know the details or the even the people involved very well. You've found a convenient target. Never mind knowing the facts first. Never mind if it's any of your business. You have a right, regardless, yes? Nevermind a chance for me to directly speak to elle and tell her how sorry I am that I contacted her because I was having a hard time and she had always looked out for me. And I asked too much. And I regret that. But does that offense need to be regurgitated every time someone gets pissed off and needs a target to hit?

    Then there was CCBH, which was far, far worse. I never seen such a mismanaged institution, and i've been to a lot of hospitals. I hated McClean, but the little that they did there was done like clockwork, with a strange professional detachment that strongly resembled neglect due to the lack of any meaningful therapy outside of the powerful medications they applied before dumping you in some halfway house that was in no way equipped to handle such a responsibility. The utter lack of any meaningful professionalism and foresight, the stupidity and pointlessness of the ABC therapies... the hospital was a disgusting joke of an organization. The doctor was SO VERY utterly clueless and put in ZERO effort whatsoever. ZERO. The man was a moron with an MD. IQ of -60 and the effort to match. I swear I talked and all he hear was LALALA TIME TO FORCE MEDICATE... LALALA I'M STUPID AND NEEDED TO BE REMINDED OF SUCH... It's no wonder I stopped talking and simply ate the food the staff spit in and watched me ate and laid on the crappy mattress because NO ONE was ever LISTENING FOR EVEN ONE SECOND. Malpractice 101. Don't even try. Play games. Idiots with licenses running around. And now they're out $50k and in the bread line and that's somehow my fault. Stupid, stupid, stupid. 

    Springbrook actually gave me the best experience. I swear the first time it was so family like. The second time there were some miscommunications, some boundary issues. The social worker that was full of herself and made that epically clear. The MD who was lying about my family and had some issues with speaking bluntly and extremely inappropriately in public areas. But I can excuse these things because it was obvious they were doing things much, much differently from CCBH. I can excuse MIP's failures on the last hospitalization because yes, I contacted the nurse, and we had a lot of history. 

    But I will never ever apologize for holding CCBH accountable for their bullshit. You can bury ashes but people will still know that something happened there, something very bad. And scapegoating me or bringing out the nurse contact to try to confuse the issue doesn't make it go away. I wasn't trying to hurt her. I wasn't cruel to her the way CCBH was repeatedly and consistently abusive towards me over one a month period. My contact with the nurse occurred fully within 24 hours and then stopped. CCBH never gave up, not for 30 days of malpractice. And why they failed. That is why some of them went into the bread line. Because they earned it. 100%. And I was not the only patient that complained. MULTIPLE mental health professionals have told me the stories that came out of that place. It's not a state secret that they were doing things they shouldn't have. They earned that bread line. 100%. 

    And keep in mind that I spent three and half years of my own helping people on Crisisline, JV, and Safeharbor FOR ALL OF $0.00. ZERO. Completely voluntarily and it was my idea. There's your fucking psychopath of a cold-hearted criminal mind. Yes, he's so dedicated to drugs and hurting people that he helps them for free, day after day. What a fucking psychopath he is. 

    Great job South Carolina. Your mindfucking is astonishingly effective. Brilliant ideas people. Keep it flowing. We'll all be fucked by Christmas. 

    What I would do is go back to Crisisline and help people the way they should be helped. That's what I would love to do, but they tell me I'm needing a break from the mental health system. 

    LEARN SOMETHING ABOUT HOW TO HELP PEOPLE, SOUTH CAROLINA.