Words

Greedily, you demanded so many

Not just the number, but the type

Now, be satisfied with what you stole.

Do not ask for more

You will have none.

Keep my silence

Allow me that peace. 

So remorseless

I renounce your narratives

And declare us strangers once more.

Sometimes, I wish I had the energy, money, time, or talent to care or to change the world around me. I see or hear things in the news, social media, or conversation. I know that I am mortal, and I do not have those excess resources. If I do not keep myself focused on the most essential tasks, no one can do it for me, they might even deliberately sabotage me. They might help, but they can't do it for me. I need all my focus and energy on point at all times. That is what allows me to be productive, calm, and safe. 

But if I keep focused, I might be able to do more. I can't rush that. My impatience is one of my greatest weaknesses. Slow and steady, with everything, even if I have to fight my family, even if I have to fight the hospital, even if I have to fight every last man and woman in Greenville. There is only one way. Slow and steady, focused. That is how I will reach my goals. God willing, no one will stand in my way. I am mortal. And damn stubborn when I need to be.

I need to improve my timeliness and accuracy in my work just a smidge. Track down my MIA tax return. Somehow there's always more then enough bills. How is it that food alone costs as much as it does? Today I have two small shifts of deliveries, then I’ve got to get more food and try to fill out these outlines more. All this supposed brainpower and medication and education isn't going to get me anywhere if I don't keep my progress bars moving. Right now that's measured by word counts, complete deliveries, on times, revenue dollars, expense dollars, and to do list items. 

Life is more peaceful when all the parts are moving together. Any one part stops moving or decides to move the wrong direction, then theres trouble. I'm just one part of Greenville county. Hopefully all the other parts are watching where they are going, too. 

    It's a tremendous relief to have a more realistic and clear direction for Accountec and for myself, even if it has very little to do with accounting or technology. It will require continued vigilance and focus. When my mind is clearer I do everything better. Sometimes I feel slightly self absorbed focusing so rigidly, but immediately I remember the difference between now and March, and I know I'm on the right path. Continued focus will allow me to improve timeliness and accuracy at work, to complete more writing, to feel more calm, and to improve my finances. There's little to no room for error, because I can't risk homelessness or more hospitalizations or unemployment or more dysregulation and chaos. I'm too tired, too unpopular, too poor. There's simply not enough wiggle room. 

    While I'm not delivering, I'm mostly reading. I'm finding that I don't actually like Gone with the Wind very much thus far. I prefer Cold Mountain. I think a lot about the characters and plot elements I'm working on for my book. It's been nice to have some breathing room, but there's still much to do. The ads keep giving me errors, I have some property I need to divest, bills to pay, and so many unfinished writing projects.