Roscasch

 I can never forget the Roscasch Test at MIP. I remember the inkblot that sometimes could be a butterfly. I said I saw "male sexual organs". The Test result came back as "internalized anger". 

See that's where I get frustrated. If you're saying a teenager has internalized anger and they mention sexual organs, you should be flagging that person for abuse, teaching them boundaries, and not diagnosing bipolar or psychosis and chemicalizing them. That simply submerges the issue and then they go out into the world with poor boundaries, and they get in trouble.

I'd really like mental hospitals to be more careful with medication and apply better boundaries with patients, especially young adults. Bipolar doesn't come out of thin air. The symptoms are learned. The behaviors are learned. You can't medicate that away. Putting people on antipsychotics for every little thing is the Psychiatrist's insanity. They see what they want to see in what a patient says. They project their DSM. And then they release chemically numbed patients on society to wreak havoc. Doing that with adults is one thing. Doing that with anyone under the age of 20 is very stupid. Creating mindless zombies with submerged issues is dangerous. Clozaril was taken off the market, put back on. I'd like to see it permanently removed. It will destroy your body if it does not destroy your mind. Permanent disability. Neverending burden on society. That's if the Agranulocytosis doesn't kill you first, then you worry about all the other bodily systems, the submerged issues, etc. These people may not kill themselves. They may still overdose on three medications picked up from CVS within hours of being released, however. So, if you don't kill the patient while they are still in the hospital, they may be dead within days, they may survive years, but even if they do, they will be permanently disabled and a burden on society. That medication makes zero sense. ZERO. At least Seroquel simply numbs you out. Not quite as dangerous. And the ER and ICU staff tends to resent caring for OD'd patients from local mental hospitals. I don't blame them. 

Springbrook

 I was thinking about Springbrook. There were problems. 

The nursing staff was incredibly gossipy and HIPPA was violated every single day. It was revolting. Something is interesting. Something's hearing is too good. But they need something to talk about, I guess. Awareness is helpful. But mindless gossip teaches the wrong things. It actually encourages Mindlessness. If you don't know what you're talking about, don't talk about someone in the building. You teach the wrong things. 

The male attending psychiatrist needs sensitivity training. It's disgusting to see a man standing his workplace, literally in the middle of a public patient area, unloading about one of his patients to a staff member. Absolutely appalling. It's appalling when you lie to patient's face. Claiming to know a family member that you simply do not know is just stupid. Not helpful. And unethical. Attendings get desensitized. They say weird things. One blonde resident they used simply to pass on lies. It wasn't helpful. Using a resident because she is attractive is not helpful. It sends the wrong messages. And it was sad to see her get used like that.  Another two were very insightful, but one allowed a gabapentin prescription that decreased awareness in the subject and disinhibited behavior. It was not continued. Gabapentin is dangerous. The other got pulled into manipulations from different persons. She must be tired. The male resident was too smart to be pulled into the bullshit. He let the blonde be used. It was sad. Doctors should not be used based on appearance. 

The head social worker made an incredibly inappropriate speech. It was disgusting. Going on and on about her qualifications and being an LPC and this is how you do this and that... Way beyond her qualification level for teaching a large group of patients. Dangerous to try to teach so much personal information to a group of people. Not relevant to the situation at hand. LPCs are not meant to try to have a group counseling session in a hospital setting. She may have had Knowitall Personality Disorder. But she doesn't normally do groups. She shouldn't try. She tried teaching a lot of nonsense, a handful of realistic skills mixed in. But then patients will remember which parts? Dangerous to go freestyle in a group setting. 

What I do appreciate is that the nutritional options actually seemed better then MIP. Less education but better options. Also, the staff was observant when I was placed on gabapentin, which can actually be worse than benzodiazepines because it disinhibits and can increase dissociation. When someone with a trauma disorder is placed on gabapentin, it can change behavior dramatically. It decreases awareness dramatically. It is not safe for Dissociative disorders. Not safe at all. If Dissociative disorders have a cause other than real life trauma, I think medications like minipress and gabapentin would be it. Dangerous stuff. I was on a very high dose of both at different times. Now I have DID. Gabapentin is one of the worst. All sorts of psychological issues and phantom physical symptoms. It's guide lined for nerve pain and seizures but was used improperly for bipolar and is sometimes used for anxiety (GAD). Very dangerous. GABA supplements are available over the counter. They affect the same system. I try to take them only at night for sleep. Not during the day when my mind is active and my body too. They help with stress and pain but disinhibit behavior, cause drowsiness, decrease awareness. Best for when you're sleeping. Melatonin helps with that too. Inositol (B8). Natural, non-chemically modified.

Arson

Arson is the only attending I still know. Arson doesn't like Ashes and Dust very much. It reminds him of the failures of himself and his colleagues. The Medication Mania and Medicalized Depression they created. Then the staff is constantly having to sweep me up off the floor. He finds Rain depressing, then he develops Seasonal Affective Disorder. He's rather paranoid of Shadows. Afraid of Spiders. Unaware of Bob. Gets control issues with Gatekeepers. OCD like. Why is it always locked? Where's my key? He can't find Diamonds anywhere, so at least he can't steal them. Sometimes he talks to the Skye. As if the Skye is listening. He's not great with reflection, but I think he has projection mastered. But he needs Reinforcement. Sound a buzzer, maybe someone is listening. Send Small in, she's pretty, he'll listen to her. BUZZ! Wrongo. He's still working on extinction. He's been dipping into the regression. Now he's reaching for substance use, but it's not coming to him. He's running short on patients. He's looking a little tired, so maybe he needs to give it a rest. Perhaps he needs more Reflection. Just not from me. He doesn't like the picture.

Watching the Bed

So apparently, I was wrong. I apologize. The 600 pages of documentation were not my entire record from that hospital. The 600 pages were the records of one ten day stay.

Now it's becoming clearer. This is why MIP went on and on about "watching the bed" and how much it cost to "watch the bed". That bed must be fascinating.

I guess understanding ethics is more complicated. Because what Malacheck, Prichards, Arson, Tott, Dolyart, Groans, and Rippit did or did not do back in the 90s with DSM Mania and Medicalized Depression, made them seem rather Bipolar to me. But maybe that's projection. Maybe I'm having Seasonal Disaffection. I used to like MIP, but that's back when we were both afraid of my father and I had hospital insurance, which not only paid better but it was their own insurance, so it was easier for them. When you have the government insurance, your popularity drops like a rock. It pays worse in general, doesn't cover the fancy patented drugs as well, and it has limits on how long you can stay and in certain situations if standards are not met, the hospital doesn't get paid at all. Damn that accountability. So frustrating when people get held accountable. Now we have to keep such detailed records, and people actually look at them... Of course, it motivates the hospital to provide worse food, more processed food, and food that comes in wrappers. God forbid you have government insurance and dietary needs. Ooooh does that ever piss them off. Never mind proper nutrition, drug them up, threaten them, teach them nonsense, don't coordinate, and throw them out. Fantastic. What are you teaching these people? How are you helping? Give me social workers and nutritionists, they teach me stuff I can use. Real world stuff. The nutrition education was excellent, the social workers (all three) did well, but i'm disappointed in the doctors and techs. Not the one that worked with me. The old guard doctors and loose mouthed techs. The dumbest shit I heard came from patients and techs. The patients were an ethics cesspool at times. Staff needs to correct them.

Legal Threats

 I'm thinking that maybe we're learning together. Me, the 600-page hospital, and the one next door. They seem a little nervous when I come visit. I was there only 6 minutes before appointment time and I had the code, but instead they had a security guard at the parking lot and no keypad lock. 

I'm just glad the PA is not one of them. The old guard. I'm really disappointed in the old guard. Because I idolized my father. And he worked next door. And it seemed they didn't have proper independence. Diagnosis salad. First the adhd because I didn't learn fast enough. Then the depression because I was a disappointment. Then the bipolar because I pushed too hard and because psychosis was a convenient way to bury abuse red flags. Aspergers because of sensory integration issues and communication issues that came from fear and lack of trust plus isolation. 

We're also learning about threats. A good way to avoid having patients threaten lawsuits and mailing out 600 pages of documentation is to not threaten them with restraining orders in the ER merely for showing up. I don't mind the security guards, the nurses... seems like the technicians have particularly loose mouths though. Do they ever stop talking? I guess they get bored. Maybe I'm oversensitive. Maybe they get tired of running around. But I really don't need to hear about it. I guess I feel that a hospital is not meant for excessive complaining. I feel like I prefer talking about the necessary and otherwise sticking to the weather and stuff people like chatting about. 

So, we've learned about excessive diagnoses, excessive medication, the importance of nutrition... Now we're learning about independence, not making threats, and respect. And I'm learning that too much electrolyte water can push up your BP too high. Never mind salt. Electrolyte water or gatorade. I retain water that way. Oh, the internist will be so proud. Got off Clozaril, my pulse went down, my body retained less water because it wasn't having the metabolism pumped up and the kidneys filtering the blood so much. So, I started drinking the electrolyte water to retain moisture and nutrients in the system. Now the propranolol keeps the heart rate slightly lower than that and the moisture stays in. So, I'm going to try less electrolyte solution in the water. I don't even use salt that much to start. But the almonds I like, I sometimes get salted ones. So I'll need to be careful about combining electrolyte water and salty foods. My BP shoots up. I don't know how magnesium complex or Zinc would affect that. But the inositol that Artstick recommended is great... hydrozine works decently. I really liked Artstick. Small was sweet but fairly useless. Contendon seemed intelligent. Gullet could barely look at me, but I don't trust the attendings anymore. 

rTMS

So I thought I'd maybe try to think about something a little less edgy. Because Malachecks death has been on my mind. You know, I uh, did appreciate Austen Riggs. They were very strict on medications. The most dangerous incident involved a woman pulling a knife on another woman over a man. She was permanently removed. 

But then I got thinking about rTMS. Ah the new ECT. No more lightning bolt. Magnetic waves. They had to stop. The VNS was picking up the magnetic pulses. That may have been what caused the malfunction when the wire in my chest heated up. After that I stopped fiddling with the magnet so much. Leave well enough alone.

There are some very good people that work in Healthcare. Who care very much. Who respect boundaries. I appreciate them very much. I hope they know that. I hope they remember.