It's hard to keep faith in today's world. There's a lot of hatred out there. I try to stay focused on being kind. That's not always easy to do. Agendas run around, there's always someone recruiting for some kind of crusade. I want to write some stories to entertain and hopefully make people laugh. I think the world could use some clean, healthy laughter. It's a beautiful thing. It helps bring people together, helps them relax. Life gets confusing which people running in different directions, looking for someone to pull along for the ride. I hope to write some more funny stories. I love to make people laugh with some clean humor.
I worry about the agendas. Always someone trying to sign me up for something. If they're not signing me up for something they're pigeonholing me and telling me what I believe in a kind of, if you're not with us, you're against us thing. As if we're all on teams fighting against each other. That's how I got into the whole 'sides' thing. Then they were calling me paranoid. Maybe I just don't want to sign up for the latest crusade. I don't understand the running around. All this activity, so frenzied, as if a PTA drive is life or death.
Give me a reason to fight and I'll fight, but mostly I see a lot of chaos of different people with their pet causes going on the warpath. Ready to run me over because I don't agree that XYZ cause is the end all and be all. So much division, and people just chomping at the bit for more and more of it.
That's why I'm saying, count me out. I'm not going to fight people just to make a point. I'm not going to run around just to make a show. So eager to sign me up for a half dozen different things just to keep me running around, consequences be whatever, so long as there's action, never mind the end result.
I don't know if I'm the only one who finds the chaos of modern life disorienting. I yearn for the clarity of a pure cause. One that is not tainted by special interests or pet projects. I don't know if I would call it corruption, but there's always undercurrents, unspoken goals, vague nuance, read-between-the-lines activity.
Growing up, everything seemed so much simpler, purer, cleaner. Now life is one big ugly mess in motion, dressed up to look like something else. I'm always looking for hidden motives, not because I'm paranoid, but because people literally don't mean what they say and I'm not quite as naïve as I used to be. It's impossible to have a conversation without getting hooked into something. Where are all the clean, respectable role models? Where are the good people? All I'm seeing are the every-man-for-himself types and the hypocrites, the jackals and the con artists. I wish I could say different, I really do. It makes me sad inside.
I need to keep my peace. The next crusade is just around the corner. I don't want to get swept up this time. I don't want to be played. I don't want to be a pawn in some man's game. I want to mind my own business. Everyone else is out getting theirs. I need to have something for myself. I never wanted to see it that way. I wanted to believe. That ain't worked out so well. I need to keep my peace. This world can run people over in a heartbeat. Best not attract attention. I hate to say it. I really do. But I don't know how to please people these days. I feel tired inside. I feel weary in my soul.
It took me a while to see. I was delusional. But I see now. And it makes me sad inside. This world can run you over. You might never see it coming. I'm broke. I'm tired. And I'm getting old. I'm pretty sure most everyone has already decided whose fault that is. And I can't change their minds.
It's always, what the hell is wrong? Why can't you? And I'm just tired of arguing. Can't teach the blind to see what they don't want to see. They're too busy signing me up for the next crusade. They've got me all figured, I'm just tired of playing along.
There have been a few people that have truly seen me. Not just pretending to, not seeing what they want to see, but seeing the real me. I think in recent months I could count those on one hand: 2 friends, 1 counselor, 1 nurse, and one lady I ran into at an appointment. Five people. In a metro area of over a million.
Honestly, I don't even get the feeling that the doc understands. He gets close to understanding, close enough to do the job. He tries. He gets close. I know he wants to understand. But I feel like we're different. He understands all those medical people that I don't get. He's able to fit into the frenzy. I'm the part that keeps bumping up against all the other parts until the whole process jams. I'm the voice that never quite knows what to say in the moment, and then the moment passes by. I'm the one that comes to in the middle of a conversation realizing that I haven't the slightest clue what people are talking about or worse, I simply do not care.
I came into this trying to resolve issues and I'm coming out with a fist of pills and no answers, just detours and revisions. They gave me the option to whittle down my list of labels. But honestly, I could only eliminate two: drug addict and bipolar. I'd like to eliminate more but that seems factually inaccurate to attempt.
I even tried to donate blood. It was going to be two birds with one stone: 1. I would help people 2. I would make a little money. Nope. They wouldn't take me. Spent all that time. A couple hours. Told them from the very get go I had a VNS implant. They wasted all my time only to turn me around and say, we don't take people with VNS implants. Well, why the hell did you waste all my time? I told you from the get-go. Felt like such an idiot walking out of there. I told them the minute I walked in. Makes no sense.
I'm tired of talking to people with closed ears. Now, it's like message in a bottle. Not going to waste my voice. VNS already gives me a sore throat; I'm not going to waste my voice. It's just pointless.
I do enjoy some things. I enjoy my peace. It's nice at home, no one to please or entertain or deter. Just me and the cat. This world is so weird. It can't all be me.
I really like the Walmart+, but not what you think. It's not the saving a trip to the store. The store is just 5 minutes away. That doesn't bother me. No, I love being able to pick exactly what I need and the software saves what I pick so instead of going around all the distractions and trying to make sure I get everything I need and just what I need and almost always getting something I don't need or forgetting something, I always get exactly what I need. Yeah, they goofed up a couple times. Couple times they left things out. Then sometimes I have to substitute so I get a different brand. A couple times they gave me stuff I didn't order for free. But I've gotten it down to a system and I always get what I need. That is priceless. Not having to worry about traffic is an added bonus. I can't afford an accident.
I need an editor to help me with some quality control and what not but unfortunately, I've been too far past the point of caring. It's true what they say though: it can always get worse. I just hope it gets better. Tired of the medical and people trying to fix me. I'm honestly not sure exactly how the VNS helps me but I don't need any more setbacks. I'm leaving the thing alone.
