It's tempting to believe that people see you a certain way, or feel a certain way, or understand something. There's that longing for human connection. Sometimes the truth is brutal. Cold. 

    I didn't use to think it was possible, but people really can repeat the same lies so many times that they actually 100% believe them to be true. It's not even a fudging, it's a flat out, complete construct that is constantly repeated over and over again like a mantra. 

    It's like, if we keep using the word love but act hatefully, we lie to ourselves and believe we really are being loving. We can betray, destroy, demonize, and generate fiction in amazing quantities as humans. It's really been disturbing to understand how good some people are at acting horribly. They get so used to doing it that they literally will feign total innocence while stabbing you in the back. Pride is an excellent motivator. Selfishness. Hatred. Anger. I don't actually know why some people insist on doubling down again and again. I'm beginning to doubt the potential of humanity with everything going on in the world. 

    I do know why in my life certain people have been acting the way they have. They miss the myth of the drugged me. The me that was medicated into a robotic existence, and they use certain lies to justify their behavior again and again. It's become so very hard to even be around some people at all. I have stopped answering personal calls almost without exception, and I almost always regret answering the ones that I do answer. 

    And yet some people won't give up. Double down every single time. Far too stubborn to give up until clozaril and prichards are restored to glory, my defender written out, and the whole past rewritten to their likening, complete with praises, apologies and professions. I never thought life could be this kind of nightmare. I never thought my own family would keep spreading so very many lies and be so manipulative, two faced, and hateful, as well as shallow. But some people don't know how to stop. No matter what. 

    It's an ugly thing to have to tell people how awful they can be. Especially when they simply repeat their lies and double down again and again. They rarely even change tactics, it's just a rinse and repeat indoctrination and mind numbing hatefulness. It's exhausting. It makes me tired in my bones, a kind of dead tired where you feel half alive and you haven't even done hardly anything to justify the tired. 

    I really want to see what those hospital records say, but I'm willing to bet my father has been talking to professionals. Artstick refused to speak to him, and he was furious. But Arson, he's old guard like prichards, and he'll buddy buddy with my father. Arson flipped like a light switch. 

    What do you do with people so insistent on being miserable? When they stab in the back and give fake smiles? What do you do with force medicators who do not listen and do not bend? What do you do with people like that? You close doors. You walk away. And yet, they keep coming, as if by repeatedly reinforcing the awfulness, they somehow erase the bad. Yes, clozaril worked out really well for them. But it's been a fucking nightmare for me. And they will not stop. They will not shut up. They will never ever give up. I was trying to find the middle ground. Then march happened. 

    They're always gearing up for their next move. I'm getting exhausted. I really have tried. They literally do not know how to quit. I heard a phrase once "allergic to listening." That's what they are. I really do believe that they loved Prichards and his idealized, medicated, robotic version of me FAR more then they ever loved the real me or the unmedicated me. I started clozaril at 19, shortly before the 2nd coma, which they never came to the hospital ever. Strangers managed the whole thing. It does make you wonder. If that's family, then what is an enemy like? Too addicted to a false reality. A medicalized version of me to ever know or love the real me behind it all. What does it mean when a parent would rather drug you then know you? What does it mean? When they hate you so much that they would rather threaten, drug, lock up, do anything other then actually know you? How do you even hate a person that much? How is it possible? Especially if they are your child? How do you do that? what goes on in a person's heart and mind to actually hate someone that much? To drug them into non-existence? They'd rather lie and pretend then actually honestly tell me. Pretty fucked up? I think so. 

    They started me on drugs at 10. By 16 i was on multiple. I had already had several counselors. The drugs just kept increasing and I was locked up in MA by 19. The insanity that is my life. DRUG IT UP! But don't talk. Just drug and pretend. some parents are like that. I'm not the only one. 

    I waited for a long time for them to change. It's only gotten worse. 

The Narrow Path

Walking 'long the razor blade while watching for a fall.

It's the strangest kind of journey along an edge that's hard and tall.

Lined with crowds the path that stretches across the rusted edge

Their angry voices calling loud and raging for a pledge. 

Jackals dance and ponies prance upon green fields below

But oh how far the people are, the ones I claimed to know

While times still change and rearrange, depending on fortune's fall

Pray brighter days will rise from the haze of memory's faint recall

Too old to chase the shadows passed yet too young to chase the grave

I'm saddened as the heroes of once descend to errant knaves.

I seek out the message that may put these bitter hearts to rest

Yet all the while surrounds the guile that kindness cannot repress

Bleeding footprints along the path with no certain end in sight

With so many simply chasing one more peep or one more fight

Laughter will rise and with it the reprise as callers seek revenge

amongst gentle whispers of yesterdays that cannot find amends. 

Gossip is the magistrate and Jealous is the blade

Crossing fast and seeking solace before the light shall fade

Waiting till the time might come that echoes will finally silence

As words are made like cannonade repeating their ghastly violence.

Whilst I look unto the skies to bring mine eyes reprieve,

Silence comes like the blessed nuns walking forth to lament and grieve

Retreating from their castles now the angels shall merely observe

As the world rejects their words of wisdom to embrace the most absurd.

Thus logic is lost but at what cost and hatred reigns instead

Common Sense, which none repents, finds many tears to shed

So I continue 'long the razor blade into the misting clouds

And turn my eyes unto the skies, away from shadows' shrouds

Crowds follow the roads and stick true to the codes regardless of the price, 

For it matters not for what they fought so long as the stories entice

With truth erased and rewritten to replace the deeds they can't defend

So long as it fits, pray no one admits they have to smile and pretend

Amongst all these fears where are the ears that truly seek the sound?

For when all seek tales that ease the ails, reality won't be found.

Take the drugs and drink the suds, to deaden the doubt you feel

But do not be surprised, when all turns to lies, and the chaos becomes too real

Lies and rumors reverberate, and spread a bitter hate, yet no one  will repent

They just move on and dance along denying with each lament

The innocence retreats and repeatedly meets no refuge in the night

So the cycle revs up, as many drink from the cup ingesting hatred's might.

A call to the willing, amongst people milling and dancing down below

Walk along the path, or risk the wrath, of the Jealous blade's swift blow

No one's truth stands alone, with the casting of the stone will come a bitter fight

So choose your friends and play pretend, or walk the narrow path in fright.

 

Problems

    How do you know when someone has a problem? What does it take to cross the line?

    Is it enough that they use a psychiatrist to control them son and repeatedly stab him in the back? Does it have to move on to using multiple hospitals to do the same? What about repeatedly threatening, begging, manipulating, lying, and sabotaging their health while playing dumb? How much forced medicationings does it take? How many threats? How many lies? how many betrayals? 

    What is the definition of insanity? The saying goes, doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. Some people literally never learn. They prefer to destroy others and bring everything crashing down around them rather then be wrong. 

    We still haven't finished going through the paperwork from the hospital, but I'm willing to bet that somewhere there is a record of my father speaking to the doctor and repeating the same bullshit story that he's been telling everyone for years. Ever since Prichards quit. He's absolutely determined to destroy everything in my world unless I repent and restore Prichards to his place of honor and quit this counseling. It doesn't matter how many people he uses as pawns, what he destroys, what extremes he has to go to. 

    And then they say I don't have problems. And they play dumb and lie to me over and over again. Throw me trinkets and false compliments and bullshit me to death. I want to see what's in those hospital records. I'm tired of people playing games with my mind. 

    Some people just don't know when to quit. They don't take fuck off for an answer. Too addicted to control and self glorifications. I swear that man has so many pawns dancing to his tune and they know they are being used and yet they play along. Fucking twisted.

The Egotist

People are not made for love but made to be my toys

I build them oh so carefully to rush unto my bidding

Like a vengeful God I smite and engage my minions in my ploys

The world it revolves around my name, and I am always winning

I tweak my little playthings and I program them with care

I am the worldly doctor, and as such, you must beware

Should you dare defy me, I will rip your world to shreds

Lock you up and run you down, drug you up with meds

I'll make you into a liar and I'll threaten you by proxy,

I'll stop at nothing to control your everything,

even till you're dead,

I'll run you up and run you down

I'll play you for a fool,

I'll rearrange your everything

You are nothing but my tool.

I am the worldly doctor,

I know so much more then you

If you're lucky you'll still be breathing

When my game is through.

I'll drag everyone that I can find into my twisted games

I'll lie until the sun goes down if it gets you labeled insane

I'll play against your little life every card I've found

I hope you're feeling paranoid, because soon we're starting rounds.

    You know I feel like an addictive substance. People just can't stop fucking with my mind. It really makes no sense. People absolutely love going on power trips. Psychiatrists can be some of the worst. There's this one psychiatrist, his advice to me was to act like a robot. That was one of the last conversations I had with him. 

    I was a bit robotic on clozaril. It's some powerful stuff. Numbs you out and you're just running around with no real connection, no real emotion, just this emptiness that's kind of soothing but also haunting and you never form any real connection but live a meaningless and empty life.

    A lot of people preferred me as a robot. I was easy to control. It was an incredibly structured life, and I was devoid of personality. It was so empty. It was about toys and games and nothingness. Now they're so angry that I don't want the empty, meaningless life they had set up for me. And they make threats and pull strings and draw in every medical professional in the upstate to bring me back into the fold. They just won't quit. It's a new bullshit every day, adding to the legends and the repetitions and meaningless little nonsense that they structure their lives around. Thank God some things aren't legal, and some people are too proud to break the law. Usually. 

    I have no doubt that these medical people are smart. That's why I've been talking to them a great deal, to help them understand the games people are playing with my wellbeing, so that no one else gets drawn into the dysfunction that surrounds me. I think the medical people would rather believe the pretty bullshit that these people spin and cast me as broken or as a demon and let the others play hero the way CCBH tried to do. It's a beautiful lie. But they are too smart and I'm not quite so naive and brainless to let that happen. 

    Life feels like an amusement park ride that I just can't get off. Now I'm beginning to see that other people are getting tired too. We're all just spinning round and round and crashing into each other. I think a while back I talked about slowing it down. I feel like I just keep pumping the brakes but its difficult to make it stop especially when all the noise just doesnt dampen. The more time passes by the more the reality creeps in and the horrified I am by the past. 

    People are messy. They require a lot of maintenance and management and instead of getting quieter everything just gets louder and faster. I keeping closing doors and they keep breaking open and then its musical medications and backstabbing and manipulation and ceaseless and never ending games and its like living inside a pinball machine. The reality comes back again and again and im absolutely horrified by the past. The more I try to step away from people the more angry and spiteful they become, dragging me back again and again with thier narratives and demands. 

    Getting off clozaril happened 3 years ago, with a brief interruption. And some people will stop at nothing to obliterate my existence and make my life the very definition of "A Dolls house". It's sick. So pedantic and self obsessed, with little to no concern for my well being. And yet we play this game, and drag in half the county and virtually every state agency as if just to make a point. It's insanity on wheels. Never-ending charades... and yet... as much power as some people think they have, they do not control the law.

    Someday I will die. Right now im still breathing. It doesnt matter the lies and the labels and the parade of bullshit. They cant erase me. They keep trying, throwing trinkets and using manipulations and games. I'm still standing. These power plays are not fooling anyone or impressing anybody. They just make this name a joke and make more obvious the sickness behind it all.

    Some people will just never quit. Too obsessed with how important they feel controlling the world and puffing themselves up like peacocks, strutting around so everyone can see how great they are in their minds, and how pathetic in actual reality.

    Maybe someday they will quit. Maybe not. I'm not holding my breath on that. Ive got to try to pick up these pieces and move on. 

Cult Fiction

    Sometimes being part of a family is less like a company and more like a cult. There's a tremendous volume of stories that go beyond all reason to be more like ancient legends or folklore... members become caricatures or mythical beings of good or evil, and facts are pulverized and reshaped into stories of greatness or tragedy. There's a certain desperation when people don't stick to the script. A panic. A rage, even. Life becomes a predictable nonsense of walking around repeating the same phrases and pretending that life is rigidly predictable and that nothing happens at random and no one makes mistakes. People are either perfect or evil. Angels or demons.

    Sometimes families even have enforcers. If someone falls out of line there's always a sibling or a child or an aunt or uncle to form this stream of incessant checking like a stream of water wearing down a rock. 

    I'm rather certain that by the time I'm dead, people will understand the dangers of poor boundaries in healthcare better. There's only so much you can manipulate a mind and medicate it and threaten it and constantly and relentlessly attempt to pulverize fact and build fiction before it either breaks or turns the script. 

    Even CCBH knew. That crazy doctor ran around screaming about the family that operates like a medical cult and regurgitating various insanities and literally drove me and that hospital into the ground with the stupidity of trying to re-force medicate and what good did it do ANYONE? HELLO??!?!? Some people never learn. I'm a slow learner. But I'm catching up. 

    Anyways, more work today. I lost some money trying to start the tax business that the cult was insisting on and dealing with the fallout of the nonsense from the last hospital visit. I've been hardening some defenses and monitoring spending while trying to take care of the tax matter. 

    I really hope it doesn't get to the point that I have to start being blunt with people. I don't want to start saying things like "go F*** yourself" or "I'll see you in hell". Life shouldn't feel like a war, and regurgitating bullshit is getting tiresome. 

    I'm trying to focus on that peace. The ticking of clocks rather then the incessant prattling of people who cannot and will not mind their own business... the constant pushing and prodding, like a doctor probing a wound for a bullet. 

    I've had to close a few doors. Hopefully the hospital is cluing in and closing a few doors as well. Poor boundaries in healthcare is truly the devil's workshop. It breaks people, families, and organizations down. They'll keep saying I'm paranoid and crazy, but from time to time the story just won't add up.