You know I feel like an addictive substance. People just can't stop fucking with my mind. It really makes no sense. People absolutely love going on power trips. Psychiatrists can be some of the worst. There's this one psychiatrist, his advice to me was to act like a robot. That was one of the last conversations I had with him. 

    I was a bit robotic on clozaril. It's some powerful stuff. Numbs you out and you're just running around with no real connection, no real emotion, just this emptiness that's kind of soothing but also haunting and you never form any real connection but live a meaningless and empty life.

    A lot of people preferred me as a robot. I was easy to control. It was an incredibly structured life, and I was devoid of personality. It was so empty. It was about toys and games and nothingness. Now they're so angry that I don't want the empty, meaningless life they had set up for me. And they make threats and pull strings and draw in every medical professional in the upstate to bring me back into the fold. They just won't quit. It's a new bullshit every day, adding to the legends and the repetitions and meaningless little nonsense that they structure their lives around. Thank God some things aren't legal, and some people are too proud to break the law. Usually. 

    I have no doubt that these medical people are smart. That's why I've been talking to them a great deal, to help them understand the games people are playing with my wellbeing, so that no one else gets drawn into the dysfunction that surrounds me. I think the medical people would rather believe the pretty bullshit that these people spin and cast me as broken or as a demon and let the others play hero the way CCBH tried to do. It's a beautiful lie. But they are too smart and I'm not quite so naive and brainless to let that happen.