Dear Readers,

    I truly lack the ability to fully grasp the how's and why's of the past 28 years. But as the days go by and I see the effects of it all, it leads me to doubt the future. I feel the need, for my own wellbeing and safety, to step back more. I'm not honestly sure at this point where my confidence came from. Was it youth? Was it the medications? I don't feel that confidence anymore. I don't feel as durable. 

    I've expressed parts of me that I had kept more hidden, here for the world to see. Honestly, I was worried I was running out of time. I was worried that something might happen. Instead, it's been more of a slow sinking feeling. Seeing the contrast between the world as I see it, my internal world, and the world out there has been jarring. I'm tired of arguing with doctors. As much as I'd like to be right about myself, I'm tired of arguing. I'd hate to be like the NYC shooter guy and be like, study my brain after I die and find out the truth, but seriously, is it worth arguing? I'm leaving it alone. 

    My focus has not been great. Unfortunately, I can't fake it till I make it on that. Whether it's ADHD or whatever, I'm not going to argue and I'm not going to push the bounds of modern medicine any further. I'm going to reduce my presence a bit. I'm closing the tax part. I'm going to try to focus on tutoring and writing. Or maybe just writing. I've got to find one thing, one thing I am really, really good at, mysterious health issues and all. I'm getting too old. I have to think about my remaining time. I have to think about what I can give consistently, other than words. My focus is not strong enough, my health not stable enough, my interpersonal skills not effective enough to practice tax. 

Ashes

Better Reasons to Support Darkness Until Dawn

    The better reasons to support Darkness Until Dawn include: learning how to avoid misusing drugs to numb or destroy yourself and others, learning what abuse looks like in all its forms, learning what toxic masculinity and toxic CBT look like, learning about boundaries... no charge, maybe a few ads if Adsense ever gets with the program. I'm losing patience. So tell everyone you know. Tell your dog. Tell your bartender. Tell the Chimpanzee at the zoo. Tell them about medicalized perfection and bad psychiatry. 

Why Support DarknessUntilDawn?

     This site costs time and money to maintain. Furthermore, it is the project of a disabled person trying to make a living. Just by reading this site, you can support that effort, support upstate healthcare, support my writing, and support my health and wellbeing. 

    This site is not meant to be the perfect cheerleader. Just as the hospital was hard on me, I have to be hard on them at times. Life is not perfect. It is not pretty. By making readers aware of the REALISTIC picture of upstate health, we can improve it. We can improve conditions and health, we can promote resources, but don't expect me to fluff it up. That wouldn't be fair to anyone. The hospital system is a big organization, they can take criticism, they cannot abide silence. Silence perpetuates dysfunction. 

    Please continue to visit this site, think of it what you will, and it will display a minimum of ads to cover costs of operation and hopefully offset my living costs, because currently I'm in the hole. I do not own my home, car, or live with financial security. I do not live above the poverty line. That is why I am depending on people to visit this site and read. I'm not even asking for contributions, just keep reading. I'll try to keep it interesting. 

Thank you for supporting darknessuntildawn.net

    I'm planning to add an advertisement to help support operations. Traffic is at a point where that is possible! Maintaining two websites with media creation tools isn't free, so please continue to visit, leave feedback via the form, and think of accountec come tax time! The more you visit, the more I'll be able to add good stuff to read, videos to watch, some custom videos.

Work in Progress...

    I'd like to remind everyone that this site is a work in progress. I have a lot of work to do on clarifying and crystalizing the message. I have some content that needs to be properly cited. This takes time. I have a house to clean and various financial and other responsibilities. Sometimes I feel like all this education and hospital time should be worth more than a freaking website but hey you know we don't pick our poisons every time.