The more I review the past the more I question what I know. I think it's important to be realistic in life. Autism isn't a death sentence, but does come with definite and rather permanent differences... Differences in communication, perception, and comprehension. I need to focus more. Accounting will never be what I wanted it to be. I don't have the mental integration and the capacity. I can't keep chasing shadows. I'm still good at writing. I can give the world my words. Because I believe the standardized testing results, even if others wish to deny those results. Someone with impaired recall, adhd, autism, and psychological problems is not destined to have a great deal of success in business. If I truly could choose to not have problems, then the world would indeed be simpler. But from what Im being told, that's not in the cards. I realize there is still some disagreement amongst the professionals, but only on the finer details.

Some people, they just don't get it, and never will. I need to focus on my writing. Leave the past behind. I can't wish it back. I cant pretend it back. I cant rewrite it back. I cant medicate it back.

    I've been thinking a lot. Again, when the hospital mentions jail and restraining orders, it seems like a good time to think. Life hasn't exactly gone smoothly, and it's a bit of a mindfuck at times. 

    The funny thing is, in college I was so boring. Barely ever had alcohol, my social circle was a church group. I wasn't the greatest student; I spent a lot of time working on my computer. Eventually I built a custom liquid cooled rig, after graduate school. I don't understand people so well. I was not captain of the cross-country team for very long in high school, it all started coming apart in junior year. I used to write fiction to cope, but I didn't share much of it. I wasn't very confident in my work. I blended into "the background" so often. It seemed like I was living that song every day almost. Seems like so many missed opportunities. I did not find my place. When you spend so much time alone, maybe it looks paranoid. 

    Counseling involves more direct communication. Makes things simpler. Less reading between the lines. I like technology, too. It makes sense to me and makes my life easier communication wise. I'm so much better at visual communication. Not everyone likes that. They don't understand my desire to communicate in writing. They sometimes seem to resent my use of texting/messaging and other written communication. But if anyone is ever going to know me other than my counselor, I have to communicate. So, I leave these words for people who want to know, like a message in a bottle. 

    For those for wish to know the God's honest truth of my life, here it is: I'm a nerdy guy with autism spectrum. I never found my place. Yet here I am. I'm still trying to find my way. I've been quiet. That was always my way. The world is not a predictable place. It's easy to get lost. I'm trying to understand where I am going, because it's not clear. To me, anyways. And the number of opinions can make your head spin. 

We decided to try vyvanse again. I'm waiting for the pharmacy to get it in stock. That and increased mirtazapine for sleep, and a new machine for cpap therapy, which is on order. I'm hoping the vyvanse will help with the restless.