Strange

I'm not arguing that my behavior is strange. But the bipolar bullshit has to stop. How anyone who knows me cannot recognize trauma responses and ptsd by now, I have no damn clue. It couldnt be more obvious than if it hit you like a brick. Seriously. 2 comas??? Hello??? Anyone home? Maybe not threatening people is a good avoid to avoid symptoms of paranoia. Maybe not being hostile and dishonest is a good way to establish and maintain trust. It's not funny. You're not helping. Don't call me, mip. I've got the PA now. Leave it be. Dont do a come hither with some medication you won't even name. Destroys trust.

Stockholm syndrome

    Traumatic bonding is a phenomenon that occurs when people experience a traumatic event together, such as battle, and develop a strong emotional attachment to an abuser. Victims form a positive bond with abusers in interactions marked by clear power differentials. Examples of situations that can result in traumatic bonding include sexual abuse, human trafficking, and hostage situations. Some prefer the term "victim" for life-threatening traumatic experiences, while others choose "survivor," "warrior," or "victor."

    What matters is that those who have experienced these traumas have a say in how they refer to themselves, and the words we use should accurately reflect their experiences. The term "Stockholm syndrome" attempts to explain why some survivors of hostage situations do not engage in a fight-or-flight response and even sympathize with perpetrators, as supposedly evidenced by a lack of cooperation with police and expressions of understanding or a lack of hostility toward their perpetrator. The term has since been applied to other traumatic situations with power imbalances, such as kidnapping and abusive relationships.

    Stockholm syndrome suggests a relationship between perpetrator and victim that reflects mutual care and affection, but such mutuality doesn't exist in cases of abduction, abuse, and life-threatening situations. Moreover, Stockholm syndrome attempts to explain survival from captivity from the perpetrator or observer's perspective. The variables include the perceived threat to survival, the belief that the threat will be carried out, the captive perceiving some small kindness from the captor, and the hostage experiencing the perceived inability to escape. Each of these perspectives requires conscious processing that contradicts the physiological responses during a state of terror. 

    These conceptual issues with Stockholm syndrome may explain why a review of professional literature on survival techniques during violent crimes shows a lack of validated criteria for Stockholm syndrome as a psychiatric diagnosis, along with a limited empirical research base. The concept's origin in the media, rather than research or clinical practice, and its application to various crimes, ages, and interpersonal contexts, raises questions about its meaning, validity, and continued relevance to theory building and research.

Patience

They tell me I have to be patient. That I have to be of sound mind. Reliable memory. And then there's Justice. But I got tired. Frustrated. Different people on different sides. PRISMO. PSYCHIATRISTS. COUNSELORS. COMMUNITY. FAMILY. SIDES. 

And here I am in the middle. People wondering what's going on. Me wondering where the law is on this. Because to me it's excessive. To me drugging someone up that high and teaching them they are dangerous and discouraging counseling is reckless endangerment and drug trafficking. It's creating mindless zombies that will buy guns. It's creating fear. Terror. Rage. PTSD. To me, that is psychological torture. 

I was suicidal at 13. I was drugged at 10. Therapies of different sorts in elementary school, continuing through middle school. My first Overdose at 17. Coma. Memorial. Wires. Delirium. RIPPING THE WIRES OUT. PEOPLE HOLDING ME DOWN. 

Prichards met me at 16. That was after Klanton. CBT. ADHD > Stimulants > ADHD COACHING > MIP PHP > KLANTON CBT > PRICHARDS > MIP INPATIENT > COMA > MIP INPATIENT > ALPHABET SOUP DIAGNOSES > OD #2 > MCCLEAN > OD #3, COMA #2 > MCCLEAN > LOST AND RIGGED > GREENVILLE > MEDICATION CITY > CITY CENTER COUNSELING > PTSD DX > PURCHASE OF .38 > SELLING .38 > MINDFUL UPSTATE > DID DX > PRICHARDS QUITS > IMA > ROWNEL > ARTSTICK > REDUCTION OF MEDS > CCBH > SPRINGBROOK > ARTSTICK ON MEDICAL > COFFEE > MIP > BACK TO BIPOLAR BS > REMEDICATED AGAIN > COFFEE > DECIDING I'VE HAD IT > FILING FBI REPORT > REDUCTION OF DX's (PRISMA Prompted me to remove problems from my problem list)

My PRISMA Dx's have been reduced from

BIPOLAR

PSYCHOSIS

DEPRESSION

PTSD

ADHD

AUTISM SPECTRUM

CAPD

and the physical 

to

DEPRESSION

PTSD

AUTISM SPECTRUM

CAPD (Kinda redundant with AS but anyways)

and the physical

And now if I can stay stable as I am and away from toxic people and continue therapy it's simply a legal thing about the saga of drugs, dx's, and trauma. Cleaning up a few dirty docs. Cuz this shit don't make sense. 

Other then a few nervous mental health professionals and family members and some anger, it seems better. Seriously though, Does this make any sense? How crazy is it to find someone with a problem, and then gigantically magnify that problem into this huge mess? Across multiple states? Referral city? Medication city? ECT? TMS? VNS? I'm not a cyborg. Well, technically yes. VNS. But I think we missed the boat here folks. But hey, Prichards is PROUD! I've got a Masters! annnnnnnnd... a very unstable life. Poor Physical health. extreme anger issues. And I scare people. Fantastic. 

You know, it's not really surprising to me that I have multiple personalities. It's amazing my body still works. My head's been zapped so many times, magnetized, pulsed from VNS... stimmed, drug city... all legal of course. Even the THC. Legal. But I'm not sure we're impressing anyone. And I'm angry and tired. And broke. And on disability since age 20. Congratulations, us. Really impressing people here. Right now, I'd take the ER's side. I'd be pissed at bringing a guy out of a coma for this. It doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me. That reminds me. A warm shout out to BETH ISRAEL DEACONESS for coma #2. 

Thermometer Again

So now I spend my days trying to get from the 8-10 range (Anger, fury, Rage) to the 0-5 range. I need to be stable in the lower Polyvagal range so that this VNS device the state spent money on and the education and stuff can be worth it and so that the community can be calm and happy and so that the state can keep this from happening to anyone else. Medicalized perfectionism. Overeducation. Toxic work ethic. empty, medicated, permanently disabled useless burden on society. It seems like a good goal.

The hospital doesn't like me talking, so they play games. But they can't really stop me, name on buildings, state/federal observation, things like that. I do want this state to be safe. I do want no excessive prescribing. I don't know who checks this website, I only know people report back. I do know my counselor and my PA check it. I like people to feel safe. If I wanted people to be harmed, I would not have asked the FBI to monitor me. That would be the opposite of intelligent. As smart as you think I may be, believe me I am not smarter then a federal agency. I worked in taxes. You do not fuck around with these people. The IRS can run you over. SSA can do it too. The FBI? Those are the guys with the IT skills, the guns, and the badges. They can block this site, they can hack my computer, they can do many things. They can hack my phone. They know what I do. If I wanted people to be harmed, I could have done so a long time ago. That's not what I want. I do care about people. I've known many people. I hope my good eggs are proud of me. Because I'm doing this for them. People like Leaves and Elle. Kind people. Down to Earth people. Hardworking people. The ones out there in the community. I've been here 41 of 43 years. If I really wanted to hurt anyone, I would have done it by now. Don't believe the Psychiatrist lies. Don't believe the programming. Don't take the pills. Stay away from God complexes. There is no danger. I've got to be on every radar across this state. Just quietly. That's all. 

I need to calm my anger. Because once it gets down to the 1... then it's clean up time. Then I get to help make sure there's no excessive pills. That people are safe. I know they are watching. They've already disrupted my internet at least once. The slightest wrong move, and it's SWAT teams, badges, guns. Not that I expect a detail to follow me around, but you know, they learn things. I don't know how long and how many people have been watching. I was rather medicated. 

When I was little. Before everything. I wanted to be FBI. I applied there once. maybe twice. Forensic Accountant. I applied IRS. I was in IT. I know what they can do. I know what I started. I know they can help. Keep South Carolina Safe. So, if my awareness is correct, South Carolina doesn't need to worry. It will be safe. Less pills. No crooked doctors.

How it Ends

See I know there's people in this community wondering how this ends. I know CCBH is wondering. MIP. SPRINGBROOK. IMA. PRISMA IN GENERAL. Anmed. I know people are wondering. because they're mad, like me. I know people are mad because of the way they act. Word choice. Nonverbal. I see them really anxious around me. I hear comments. I know are wondering.

I want it to be calm. Happy. Not like CCBH, where they would not STOP. They would not back off. They just kept pushing and pushing and pushing. It was insane. 

No, I want it to be calm where people are just living their lives in the community and a certain doctor is not allowed to prescribe anymore because he was very reckless. People with God complexes should not practice Psychiatry. It's dangerous. 38 calibur dangerous. 911 dangerous. People dead dangerous. No that's not what I want. I want a safe community. Where people work and they have fun and they raise kids without excessive meds or excessive education or excessive perfectionism and ever moving standards. I want calm and peace and good relationships. I don't even like guns. Never did. I keep a taser. It's bright pink. Just to discourage people. I'm not the dangerous one here. The dangerous ones carry prescription pads. They know the DSM. They taught me everything they know. And they are pissed because they fucked up and they want to blame me for learning what they taught. Real bright guys, real bright. Who are we impressing here? what did we learn today class? Arson? Speak for your colleague? DID WE LEARN ANYTHING YET? I'd like to know.

Singapore

Today I have 130 friends from Singapore. Hi! I hope you like my American Crazy. Maybe I should rename it Psychiatry run amuck. South Carolinas psychiatrists failed so badly they had to ship me to MA. Now they're looking for a new state or a hole. Maybe y'all like me in Singapore? I bring a few pills? We can Google together, and I'll tell you the disorders, indications, and side effects!

POP Quiz! How do you proliferate handguns? Hand out minipress. Titrate up. Titrate down quickly. Deny all responsibility. You'll have SWAT teams On THE streets in no time. Go ahead, find an LPC to blame. We're listening. That's licensed professional counselor, BTW. Go ahead, blame the patient. Blame the pharmacy. FIND SOMEONE TO BLAME SHRINK. YOU'RE NAMES ON THE SCRIPTS. EVERYONE KNOWS. YOU THINK THEY APPRECIATE IT? YOU THINK THE DEA LIKES LEGALIZED DRUG TRAFFICKING AND GUNS ON THE STREETS? FIND SOMEONE TO BLAME. GO AHEAD. WE'RE LISTENING. I BOUGHT THE BULLSHIT. YOU THINK ANYONE ELSE WILL? YOU STILL PEDDLING DRUGS?

I get a little pissed off.

DID Therapy

See DID therapy is more like... exploration... Cuz we build all these characters around personality elements and then they have adventures and do fun things. I picked animals. Some people pick superheroes. But I like the animals. Because they are in nature. Not in a locked building where everything is artificial, even the light. With the child it's like preschool, then it goes up in number as the elements grow older... until you get to the adults. We all have a child inside, if we're human and not a robot shrink. We all like to have fun. The shrinks get it all wrong. Theory and accountability and advanced thought through chemical modification. I had a lot of good teachers. They worked in schools. Counselor's offices. Nutrition offices. Psychologists and shrinks get too technical. Some of them I hate with a passion. Snotty little bastards. There are exceptions. Some people know how to be personal but not with God complexes. I can't stand people with God complexes. I'm running the other way. SO FAST. Shrinks can be like that. Some Psychologists. Phds. I've known a lot of atheists. No I don't go to church much. I don't well with crowds. with maintaining attention for long periods. I get ADHD like. I do believe in evolution, but not atheism. I find it a bit disturbing. Prichards most definitely had a God complex. 100%. That's why he complained to me that the state was giving him trouble about his drug prescribing long before things went bad... that's why he referred so much... that's why places like Greenville Ketamine and IMA DID NOT LIKE HIM. because they knew. They knew it was fucked. And they were dying to say something I know it. And if ever I do sue that man I know there will be people lining up to get a word in. Because he caused trouble here. And it pisses people off. DID doesn't come outta nowhere. This shit doesn't grow on trees. It grows other places. One of them is right down on woodruff road. DO NOT TAKE THE DRUGS. You teach poison that affects the community, then people find out one way or another. Just by me walking around, they find out... and it pisses them off. 

The Perfect Plan

    See, Psychiatry is all about the perfect plan.

    Take DID, here. Let's college educate, teach them the DSM, teach them every medication we can possibly prescribe (You would definitely not believe me... about 25 years of almost every category and off label excluding MAOIS, trycyclics, some typical antipsychotics, the stims, some dissociatives, just about everything you find in a pharmacy), let's sit him in a shrink's office 2-4 times a month on disability and teach me almost nothing of real world application. 

    Then it's either at work or in the shrink's office or playing video games because antipsychotics tend to dull complex thought. I just don't understand these people. I mean, I think we missed the boat here folks. No he doesn't get to be angry. He gets to use those fancy words. Oh it sounds so niiiiiiice... oh he talk me up a storm... But then the memory is so fucked that he can't complete basic tasks on a regular basis. Too much theory. Too many pills. 

    I don't know what coffee thinks. I haven't much asked him. I go around PRISMA or most doctor's offices and I lock up like a bank vault. Basic instinct. I do not like MDs. I do not like them. Gullet could barely look at me. We have maybe a handful of words. I liked her resident. I don't think she liked me much. It was word salad. I did talk to that one nurse. Now they don't like me talking to nurses. They seem to find me intimidating. As if I'd be stupid enough to try to hurt them. In this town. Where everyone knows me. Where I'd be locked up faster than you could call 911. It just makes no sense. I get angry. It's about the doctors and the pills. It's not about the staff. Some people have some sense. They work in Counselor's offices. They mostly don't work at MIP. Not at CCBH FOR SURE. At least... until SCDHEC came around... and now they're pissed... 

    Springbrook got mad yes, there were problems, but really, they were just mad cuz it was MIP's mess. Maybe I was loose with words. My words are a bit desensitized, I think. I say things and people look at me like what the hell did you just say? I swear to God that guy at Springbrook... maybe I gave him a hard time... but in one sense he did cut through the bullshit. Like why the fuck do they have you on these pills? what are they doing? this doesn't make sense. It was definitely more productive than those people that are now unemployed. 

    There was group think going on at CCBH. Out the wazzoo. OH LET'S TAKE THE FIRST SIMPLE THEORY AND RUN WITH IT. He said SSA called it unspecified psychosis. Let's just give him the pills that didn't work, label the bottle "psychosis" and he'll be back on permanent disability and numbed out for forever. Artstick didn't like that. I was barely moving. Barely knew where I was. Some dumbfucks just can't get with the program. They'd rather force medicate and have someone either half alive in the community or be reported and have the whole lot of them in the bread line. 

    There was one nurse, who was like, no we shouldn't do it he'll go around telling everyone! Well, YEAH. YA THINK? YA THINK MY PSYCHIATRIST WAS PLEASED? I WAS BARELY MOVING. dumb shits. I didn't want you in the bread line. But you got yourselves there. The best cure for dissociation is lack of trauma, lack of patterns. Not drugs. mmmmmkay? Not bullshit. This country needs to rethink medication and psychiatry. In a major way. It makes no sense.

    But the current meds are helping. I found the ritalin. I thought about asking about it. But I don't even think it helped that much. I need to process anger, maybe sue a psychiatrist... think about my life choices. 

    Yep, that word perfect comes up a lot. These shrinks like to engineer people. I'll just call myself Product MIP0096... cuz I started around '96. Well you made me. I hope we're proud. Just don't try to export. MA might send me back again. 

Angry 5/10/25

    I liked this one thing my counselor said when I was really angry. She was like "Tell Angry, 'Back off, Angry". It was funny. Somehow not so funny at the time but now it is. 

    IMA did try very hard. But they found it all very alarming. The Internist, he tried to talk me through a little, got me connected with some other people. 

    The nutritionist issue was the key problem. She had been very kind. I still use her knowledge. Oh, the hospital nutritionist was thrilled. We talked on the phone for an hour. Going on and on about this food and that food, and how this works well, and I know why she told you that... Sometimes I'm good at conversation. 

    MIP got real mad about that. Oh, those shrinks taught me a lot. They got a bit frustrated. Arson is so funny. We've known each other too long. That's why we need to see other people. I don't mind Arson so much, he's just not knowing maybe how to deal with this. Sometimes I wish I could be a fly on the wall. Seems like so many people know so much about me, but my memory is not that good and my focus isn't either. It gets to be like one of those in another world things. We do know each other well. In another world we could be great friends. So many people I know here. But I struggle to remember. I struggle to connect those dots. Because, again, as the Psychology at Clarity said... I can remember, I cannot recall. The memories are blocked. They are still there. I can still remember. It's hard to pull specific memories. Then she disagreed with Bipolar. Along with Artstick and Mindful. PTSD OFF THE CHARTS. DISSOCIATION OFF THE CHARTS. No, some people will never learn. They went to fancy schools. They know everything. Never mind their own damn tests. I'm sure I faked that. So now I do things like walk around saying stuff like I need to FOCUS on REAL LIFE.. not SITTING IN SHRINKS OFFICES TAKING PILLS. it tends to DESTROY THE MIND. Oh you'll remember. You just won't recall. Then you'll be running around collecting labels and pills and when they're not DSM labels there will be plenty of other labels like stalker and pervert and criminal and drug addict and what the fuck do you think you created in the first place? Are you proud? Yall spent a long time on this. I'm sure we all appreciate it. 

I like the plant-based diet because it's so easy on my stomach. And I get everything I need. Last night it was pork chop though. Some brussel sprouts. I like to buy the frozen veggies. I need some potatoes. The cat's looking good. He loves my guitar gig bag. That's his new nap spot because I stopped letting him on the furniture as much. He's a good cat. When I hit that 9 or 10 on the thermometer he knows. He freaks out a little. Reminds me to calm down. He's so happy. There was months I couldn't remember the day. After Clozaril. That stuff fucked my brain. and damaged my body. And I hope it is banned permanently. Not safe for human consumption. 

Anyways, turn back in for more of the blame game after Mother's Day. I'm sure someone will find something to say. 

The Gratitude Game

Ok, now that I'm partially vented... And CCBH got theirs in too... months of harassing phone calls after the complaint I filed. But that's not why I'm careful about filing complaints or even complaining in person. Those of you who may have met me in real life may notice that I am known for politeness. There's a reason for that. Some people think it's fake. But I like to think about the good eggs. The people on the ground. Not the highflyers. The ones on the ground. They're not on TV. Their names are not well known. They are not usually rich. Not all of them work in healthcare, but many do. They tend not to flap their mouths too much, but if you're decent to them, and you have good boundaries, you can get to know a few... I keep them in my memory. I replay the things they say. Sometimes I have conversations with them. It's like being in Heaven. I think of all my people. The good eggs. We hang out. We talk. We laugh. We go to imaginary parks and skip rocks, throw frisbees... We talk about old times... I miss some of my good eggs. Many did work at MIP. Some are still there. Admins, nurses, techs... They're just people I knew. Others are from Riggs. Then many are from so many other, more real-world places like the tax office, other jobs, college, even grade school. I still remember many names. Many are still around here. Some are far away. Some are gone.

I remember when my Great Aunt died. She was one of my favorite people. She lived in Pennsylvania. I used to love to listen to her talk. She knew so many things. Had a big family. We used to visit. Sometimes go on vacation. I get lost in my mind. Those shrinks with their meds built it up like a fortress. It even has a gatekeeper. 

But in that fortress, I keep my people safe. I watch out for them. That's how accountability is difficult. So many patterns with physical symptoms and triggers and the fortress on a hill. Some people invested in that fortress. It worries them that they don't have the keys. But if it opens up too fast, the force could bowl them over. Sometimes I feel so tired. But it's all about that adrenaline. That Polyvagal business. You let those emotions out, you have the right key, the surge could bowl you over. 

Now some people, they realize, that it's all about the right words and nonverbals, taking breaks, not trying to build rome in a day. The ones without God complexes. 

See the counselor, she keeps it simple. She can talk it up. "Verbal Combat" we called it. Some people know fancy words and yet they don't have to use them. Now that's a damn good skill. Funny, the shrinks didn't teach me that. 

I don't recall off the top of my head, but my counselor is like... less then 5 feet? Take a minute to think about this one. You've got a woman less than five feet tall. maybe half my weight. As far as I'm aware, no weapons or training in self-defense, no substances or medication. No locks. No security. It's been more then five years. She doesn't have a scratch. Not from me. Just polyvagal theory and a lot of common sense and insight. Why do you think I like working with women? CUZ THEY SEE THINGS. They can see through the medical bullshit. They know it's a bunch of bullshit records. A bunch of overthinking. A bunch of theory that has little application in the real world. And yet somehow men bigger then me sometimes feel threatened. It's all in the interpretation. Word choice. Nonverbals. So many people know that and just walk around and live their lives. Others, they walk around and mouth off and then wonder why shit hits them. I've done that some. But I was taught by some of the best. 

You wanna tear people down? Become an MD. Better yet, become a shrink. Building people up takes presence and perception and patience. Not something usually found behind locked doors. Words and drugs can both break your mind. A little at a time or all at once. Trust me. Just don't trust Minipress. That shit will kill you. The Red pills. Do not take the red pills. And be careful what you listen to in Psych units. People say all kinds of moronic shit. Destroys the mind. Teaching people the wrong things South Carolina, I'm telling you... just look at me... your hospitals raised me... here I am... your Gold Star...

You know I liked IMA... but they couldn't handle South Carolina's Gold Star... oh no... But they did good. They did very good. They was the ones that flagged SDOH... they was the ones that got hardcore with nutrition... they was the ones who helped me... cuz they knew too.

The Blame Game (part one)

I'm trying to move past the anger stuff... but hearing from MIP or certain other people is not easy. Holidays can be extremely difficult. 

I got me some breakfast. Did some cleaning. But MIP and certain people got me thinking about that old blame game... so let's play...

Step right up folks! Blame is for sale! Who wants to play? In this corner, we have the mentally fucked disabled guy. In these three corners, we have the hospitals, the family, and the drugs.

Ok, let's get started. CCBH, any words?

Well maybe this here fellow is a classic psychopath. You know, the kind that goes around collecting. Yes, let's just program that in and medicate. Release into society. We'll threaten before we do it. Play mind games all day long. Till he's agitated as fuck and we get to force medicate. Then we'll release the drugged zombie, unable to function, and then when he gets off the drugs, he'll remember to sue us. Yes! Let's do it!

Interesting. McClean?

Um, no comment on South Carolina today.

Lost and Rigged?

(Crickets chirping)

Hmm....

Independent Thought

God forbid I should think for myself. Fell outta the Nazi Lockstep. Makes people angry. If this was the army, it might make more sense. But this is not army. 

So again, before anyone tries to reindoctrinate me, forced medication is bad. Toxic masculinity is very real. Bipolar is sometimes real but is overdiagnosed. Diagnosing people based on gender or your own self image is dangerous. Overlooking red flags and passing them off as psychosis or some sort of fictitious disorder and not addressing the root causes, especially in combination with incorrect medication or over medication or turning someone into a pharmacy is extremely dangerous.

Violating ethics requirements of your licensure is extremely dangerous. Life or death, permanent disability dangerous. Reported to the licensure board dangerous. Possible lawsuit dangerous. 

I just need to remind the force medicators now and then. The sick psychopaths with degrees that sit around and twist minds in thier own image. Those people. Harvard types. You know the kind. The medication trials types. NAZIs in sheep's clothing. Oh just wait. And be careful. You may look ok when they get done with you. In 20-30... you might still look ok. Your mind... that's another story. I got plenty of those. Some of them have records and witnesses.