MIP Memories

    It was so weird being in MIP in March. It was probably the most extreme dissociative state I've been in. I had nearly complete lack of awareness of time. I was in the 90s and early to mid 2000s. I wasn't even as recent as 2020. I wasn't looking for Elle. I knew she would not be there, because I had already told outpatient everything. They knew about the texting and all of it. They knew it happened quite some time ago. Inpatient was just finding out, I guess. 

    But I kept thinking about the way it used to be. All the things that had happened. It's a very haunted place. Something draws me there, but it's not a place you want to be. That's the weirdness of it. It's like one of those movies where something feels like unfinished business. It's just like a Siren, drawing you in. But it's creepy as hell, and then you want to stay away. Just being near those glass doors. It's just like standing outside the unit at McClean. Feeling like you're floating. Alarm bells going off in your mind. A voice telling you that you need to get out of here. I almost had a similar feeling standing outside Patrick B that one time, even though I had never been there before. That campus is creepy as hell. 

Trust Issues

    Trust issues refer to the difficulties a person experiences in believing in the reliability, honesty, and integrity of others, often stemming from past negative experiences. These issues can manifest as fear of betrayal, abandonment, or manipulation, and they can significantly impact relationships, leading to anxiety, suspicion, and difficulty forming close connections. 

Signs of Trust Issues:

Fear of betrayal or abandonment:

Individuals with trust issues may anticipate being hurt or mistreated, leading them to be guarded and hesitant to open up emotionally. 

Difficulty forming close relationships:

They may struggle to trust others, making it hard to form and maintain intimate friendships or romantic relationships. 

Suspiciousness and skepticism:

They may constantly question others' intentions and motives, even when there's no logical reason to do so. 

Anxiety and insecurity:

Trust issues can lead to heightened anxiety, worry, and a general sense of unease in social situations. 

Avoidance and withdrawal:

They may avoid social situations or relationships altogether to minimize potential pain or disappointment. 

Difficulty forgiving:

Small slights or misunderstandings may be difficult to forgive, potentially causing further strain on relationships. 

Low self-esteem:

Trust issues can sometimes be linked to low self-esteem, as individuals may not believe they are worthy of trust or love. 

Causes of Trust Issues:

Past experiences of betrayal, abandonment, or trauma:

These can include experiences like infidelity, abuse, or neglect. 

Adverse childhood experiences:

Difficult or traumatic childhoods can significantly impact a person's ability to trust others. 

Mental health conditions:

Anxiety disorders, depression, and other mental health conditions can contribute to trust issues. 

Insecure attachment styles:

Individuals with avoidant or anxious attachment styles may be more prone to trust issues. 

Gaslighting or narcissistic abuse:

These experiences can erode a person's sense of self and make it difficult to trust their own perceptions, let alone the perceptions of others. 

How to Overcome Trust Issues:

Seek professional help: Therapy or counseling can help individuals process past traumas, develop healthy coping mechanisms, and learn to build trust. 

Work on self-esteem and self-compassion: Building self-esteem can make it easier to believe in oneself and feel worthy of trust from others. 

Practice mindfulness and self-awareness: Paying attention to thoughts, feelings, and behaviors can help individuals identify triggers and patterns related to trust issues. 

Communicate openly and honestly: Communicating needs and boundaries can help build trust in relationships. 

Start small and build trust gradually: Rebuilding trust takes time and effort, so it's important to start with small, manageable steps and build up from there. 

Forgive yourself and others: Forgiveness is essential for moving forward and letting go of past hurts. 

Be patient and persistent: Overcoming trust issues is a journey, and it's important to be patient with oneself and celebrate small victories. 

Regrets

I regret not getting the right help sooner. I regret going to mip again. I regret not being more focused on something I was truly passionate about. I regret not communicating better. I regret not focusing on resolving this much much sooner. I feel like it didn’t have to get this bad. I have many good qualities, how did it get this bad?

 

There was a place i knew a time so very long ago...

Where people came to say the words that they couldn't find in the world beyond.

The flames of frustration licked upon their bitter souls

But I found some angels whereupon

I ventured to find a life beyond recriminations

And save a soul or two

I missed the boat on a few of my ventures

And yet to that dream I still hold true.

And it's for my angels that I hold true. 

It's for my angels that I hold true. 

What I don't Expect vs What I do

    I don't actually expect MIP to give a damn. It's tribalism at work. I certainly don't expect CCBH to have any desire to admit fault or acknowledge facts. I don't expect my brother and I to ever see eye to eye. 

    What I can't tolerate is the targeting and the condescension. The patronizing. I'm tired of the same old bullshit. I prefer to keep my distance. It's clear that no one was listening at any point in March other than my counselor. Which is why I didn't try very hard. It's not repairable and it's not worth it. Maybe we've gone from time to think to time to stay away. Because otherwise it's just more of the same. I don't see how so many years of psychiatric shenanigans gets a reset because everyone has decided on their facts and the bad guy(s). 

    I guess I thought that with humor and holding back I could change the dynamic. But that doesn't seem to be proving true. 

    What I do expect is that I will get my meds filled ASAP because the sudden stopping of Pristiq and the problems with anger and focus are real problems. The bullshit lies about addiction are not. They are an unproductive diversion. 

    I'm trying to forget the past and to avoid unhealthy situations.

Sugar Coating

    I can't be nice all the time. It's not possible. Thats why some people shouldn't be around me. Because I can be nice as pie but that can result in enabling abuse or unhealthy behaviors. It can result in bad communication. 

    Now, was it right or safe for a mental health worker at mip to mention the last name of a nurse in the presence of a patient? No. Yeah, I liked Elle. But the worker didn't have to mention her last name when I DIDNT EVEN ASK. Now, I didn't have to look her up. I didn't have to contact her. So, we all make mistakes. 

    I need to focus on getting a job. I need to focus on my writing. I cannot be involved in family dysfunction or bullshit referrals to this center or that center. I just can't. I'm trying to contain my own dysfunction and work it out in time with the outpatient office. Hospitals can be pressure cookers. They're not always an ideal place for problem solving. And I have too much history with the hospitals. 

    I'm doing the writing. I'm working on the painting. I'm taking my meds. I'm watching my expenses. I'm looking for work. I'm looking forward to this being over. It's past time to move on. The hospitals have other people to help. 

Honestly

    As much as I don't feel that i do understand whats going on, I feel safer just having reached out to my old friends and members of the mental health community to let them know that I've been in trouble. Even if they don't check the site, just knowing that they are aware that I'm struggling, makes me feel safer, every time I think about it, i feel safer... I think of them out there, calming the waters for me. It gives me a sense of peace.

My head hurts like crazy and I can't sleep. Somehow I regret several things I said and about half of what happened. Oy. I gotta stay out of hospitals. It's really not working out for anyone. I don't get it. They're supposed to help. No, nevermind that. Let's mindfuck. Splendid. Autism is not that freaking hard. Seriously. Demonstrate some compassion. I'll go to bon secours if I have another emergency. Totally not worth the misplaced loyalty.

    You know, it really is a twisted life when you have to spend the next 4 months trying to understand what the heck just happened at the ER.

Elle

 

Adore you

Elle

    I'm still not sure why I said elle's name in the er. I just started running through a list of people that knew about my past. From hr block to city center to Elle to mindful upstate to several others. They sure didn't seem to appreciate it.

In the hospital they got into this thing. Ashes has trauma? He's faking. PTSD? Insurance fraud. Drug addict. As if they know me. These mental patients. 

I want...

    More from my life. I'm tired of being the one they couldn't fix. Im tired of the BS. I still have plenty of tinnitus. But my ears have improved. I'm less dependent on severe sinus. It seems like the shot and the debrox helped. 

    I remember the Annex. The part of the ER that they kept people until there was a bed available. It's gone now. I remember the kid's unit, which became IMU, which I also remember. I remember Elle being with me on one of my first suicide watches. I remember her intaking me at the desk in the atrium area after my 2nd attempt and the long stay in the annex. I remember the ECTs. I remember all the doctors. I remember so many of the staff. I remember the grounds. I remember all the rooms. I think of that place almost every day. It was my third home. I was telling the psychiatrists the other day. I could give tours. This spot is where I met elle, this is where I did this, this is where that happened, this is where the other thing happened... I wonder if Sharon's still alive. I know Bobbi is still there. I do remember. I don't talk about it but I remember. 

Skye

     Skye came to me when I was 17. She was there to help me. When I was alone, I always had Skye. She was quiet. She listened and gave me the words I needed. She was gentle and kind. Wise. Like an angel. I didn't tell anyone about Skye until I was 39, I think. But I put her in my stories. I put her in The Keepers of the Dragon, some stories I wrote when I was a teenager. 

Trust and hospitals

    So now I'm learning about trust and "don't spread your trauma". I'm learning about lies and secrets. Though I'm pretty sure by "don't spread your trauma" they didn't mean write about this. Oh well. Because the fact is, I was misled. The fact is, in the 90s we didn't understand autism and trauma as well. The fact is, I don't actually have Bipolar. But I understand why they did what they did. They had limited options. 

    But trust can be hard. Telling people the truth is a risk. I had to protect myself. And I did. And then I can be delusional about the rest. It was all just a dream. A nightmare of a dream. I can't play games with these people. It's too dangerous. I also can't pretend I don't need the meds. Because some problems are real. Some diagnoses are real. Just not Bipolar.

Get Together

Resource for cPTSD

 Beauty After Bruises

I'm coming back to reality, but if the hospital wants to help, they need to work with my LPC, not against.

 It's very hard to keep up with conversations or maintain focus. I'm struggling with executive skills

 Ive been rather agitated and fixated on the medical. The counselor says dissociation the psych says brain fog.