I didn't use to think it was possible, but people really can repeat the same lies so many times that they actually 100% believe them to be true. It's not even a fudging, it's a flat out, complete construct that is constantly repeated over and over again like a mantra. 

    It's like, if we keep using the word love but act hatefully, we lie to ourselves and believe we really are being loving. We can betray, destroy, demonize, and generate fiction in amazing quantities as humans. It's really been disturbing to understand how good some people are at acting horribly. They get so used to doing it that they literally will feign total innocence while stabbing you in the back. Pride is an excellent motivator. Selfishness. Hatred. Anger. I don't actually know why some people insist on doubling down again and again. I'm beginning to doubt the potential of humanity with everything going on in the world. 

    I do know why in my life certain people have been acting the way they have. They miss the myth of the drugged me. The me that was medicated into a robotic existence, and they use certain lies to justify their behavior again and again. It's become so very hard to even be around some people at all. I have stopped answering personal calls almost without exception, and I almost always regret answering the ones that I do answer. 

    And yet some people won't give up. Double down every single time. Far too stubborn to give up until clozaril and prichards are restored to glory, my defender written out, and the whole past rewritten to their likening, complete with praises, apologies and professions. I never thought life could be this kind of nightmare. I never thought my own family would keep spreading so very many lies and be so manipulative, two faced, and hateful, as well as shallow. But some people don't know how to stop. No matter what. 

    It's an ugly thing to have to tell people how awful they can be. Especially when they simply repeat their lies and double down again and again. They rarely even change tactics, it's just a rinse and repeat indoctrination and mind numbing hatefulness. It's exhausting. It makes me tired in my bones, a kind of dead tired where you feel half alive and you haven't even done hardly anything to justify the tired. 

    I really want to see what those hospital records say, but I'm willing to bet my father has been talking to professionals. Artstick refused to speak to him, and he was furious. But Arson, he's old guard like prichards, and he'll buddy buddy with my father. Arson flipped like a light switch. 

    What do you do with people so insistent on being miserable? When they stab in the back and give fake smiles? What do you do with force medicators who do not listen and do not bend? What do you do with people like that? You close doors. You walk away. And yet, they keep coming, as if by repeatedly reinforcing the awfulness, they somehow erase the bad. Yes, clozaril worked out really well for them. But it's been a fucking nightmare for me. And they will not stop. They will not shut up. They will never ever give up. I was trying to find the middle ground. Then march happened. 

    They're always gearing up for their next move. I'm getting exhausted. I really have tried. They literally do not know how to quit. I heard a phrase once "allergic to listening." That's what they are. I really do believe that they loved Prichards and his idealized, medicated, robotic version of me FAR more then they ever loved the real me or the unmedicated me. I started clozaril at 19, shortly before the 2nd coma, which they never came to the hospital ever. Strangers managed the whole thing. It does make you wonder. If that's family, then what is an enemy like? Too addicted to a false reality. A medicalized version of me to ever know or love the real me behind it all. What does it mean when a parent would rather drug you then know you? What does it mean? When they hate you so much that they would rather threaten, drug, lock up, do anything other then actually know you? How do you even hate a person that much? How is it possible? Especially if they are your child? How do you do that? what goes on in a person's heart and mind to actually hate someone that much? To drug them into non-existence? They'd rather lie and pretend then actually honestly tell me. Pretty fucked up? I think so. 

    They started me on drugs at 10. By 16 i was on multiple. I had already had several counselors. The drugs just kept increasing and I was locked up in MA by 19. The insanity that is my life. DRUG IT UP! But don't talk. Just drug and pretend. some parents are like that. I'm not the only one. 

    I waited for a long time for them to change. It's only gotten worse.