Worry and Working Together

    I need to be careful. I've been scaring people again. Thinking about the time I bought the gun and being angry about March's hospitalization yielded bad results. I had a bad fantasy. I need to be careful about telling people about these fantasies. They scare people. I like people. I really do. I care about them. I can't scare them anymore. It wears on them. 

    I need to stay away from the prescription drug excesses. And I need to get rid of that ritalin. I never gave it back. I have a chance to have a life. But I need to stay away from excessive medication and bad psychiatry. Because I like people. Sometimes I get into denial after so much mixed-up reality. I want this to be a happy story. I want MIP to be glad. Glad that we made it. But my energy is low. My body gives me the impression, from the various tingling and headaches and lack of sleep and pain and nauseas and etc that it has limited capacity for stress. I can't push it too hard. 

    This can't be about lawsuits and guns. That's not the way. It's so not the way. That's not how people heal. They wonder why I need a counselor. They spread rumors about what I do with her. What I think about her. I need a counselor because of bad psychiatry. But I'm pushing people too hard. That much has become obvious. I can't afford to push them too hard. They don't understand DID in the slightest. That's the impression I get. But I haven't been great at explaining. I've been learning too. 

    I'm just worried what I might say around people. Because I'm still angry. I like people. I wish I had the energy to do more. I don't. I really don't. I'm tired almost all the time. I need to try to exercise some and get more sleep. I need to be EXTREMELY careful about stress. I'm worried that I scare the nursing staff. The other staff seems to resent me. They think I'm playing games with this DID thing. I was told Arson married Elle. It's no wonder they find me triggering. They've had intense experiences with me. Very intense. She says Arson doesn't understand. She's right. He doesn't. 

    Some people are in denial. Sometimes they reach for magical solutions like psilocybin or other drugs. I believe the potential for healing is limited. I believe the body and the mind have limited capacity. I hope they understand that I can only do so much. They wanted me to advocate, they just don't like me advocating for DID, they wanted it to be bipolar. They wanted to be right. They were wrong. But we still have a chance. If we work together. But we can't wear each other out. Their denial gives me false hope. I cannot afford false hope. I need to focus on the basics of self-care. I can still have a life. I know they want to believe I'm lying. That this is all bullshit. Unfortunately, those beliefs are dangerous. We have to work together. Unfortunately, DID is a very serious illness. I can't afford fantasies. I can't afford to believe in magical solutions. Every time I buy into it, my body pays for it. But I'm going to have to be 100% honest and go very slow. Keep it simple. Keep it simple. I do like people. I don't like to scare them. 

    The fantasy was about buying another gun and ... ending it as it started. At MIP. The place that the magic maker was born. Where I met him. I was going to show him the results of bad psychiatry. But this needs to be a story of hope. Not of abrupt endings. So, we're not going down that road. We agreed on that. But if I push too hard... I get unstable. We can't go down that road. This is literally as serious as cancer. It's time we all wake up to that fact. Myself included.