It's becoming difficult to maintain work. I'm more spacey. I'm in this balancing act with no clear answers. I have to maintain focus. I dont know if i can trust the Healthcare system. Sometimes I feel like I'm walking on a razor blade. As the edge cuts into my shoes I have no choice but to push forward, because oblivion lies on either side. 

Headaches, fatigue, even voices... that feeling of unreality, like I'm walking between worlds... an intense wary feeling knowing that communication can be hit or miss. 

Focusing on sensations to try to hear what my body and mind are telling me. Dreading every social encounter, unsure of what to expect and waiting for it to pass while filling in words without meaning like filling in a form at an appointment.

Is this the miracle of clozaril? Is this what it does? Sometimes I almost miss the drugged, chemically calm feeling... drifting through life like a log in the ocean, sedated and unaware.

I worry about the future. I'm running out of time. People around me passing judgment and writing my story without consulting me... deciding who I am, what i think and feel, why I do what I do, and what my future holds... will I be able to interject? Will anyone hear me or see me? Or have they moved on from the story of my life, having decided all the details for themselves? I'm not sure i want to know, I'm not sure if anyone truly sees me. I only hope that i get to have some say before I die.