I get so frustrated and there is anger and fear but I cannot go back to the numbness. I can only hope that the intensity continues to fade, that I can keep my more paranoid instincts in check. Because it truly is not a matter of substances or medications but past experience. There is no drug for that. Only growth. 

The fact is that the gun and the prescriptions and the more dangerous behavior are in the past. The past doesnt actually have to repeat. Pretending it does only frightens people. 

I'm not that same person. I've moved farther. But I'm not actually showing that to people. And until I do they will remain angry and afraid like me. I have to put down my stones. I have to show empty hands. And then we can trust. I've done that before. With some people, I can do it again. Others I have to let go.

The hospital has not been helpful recently, but i can't throw stones. I can't expect them to understand and I don't actually need them to understand. I have the outpatient, and they understand better. I'm going to need to rely on the people who can help. Otherwise we are just tearing each other to pieces.

I stand by my statement that MIP was an ethical cesspool last time and staff should have taken corrective action. Regardless, I'm moving on.