If March Taught Me Anything...

    I was wandering through the untethered confusion of the aftermath of 2022 as best I could (which, some would say, was not well at all), when I landed in that ER after the Spravato treatment. What a jolt that was. I have not felt safe since then, but I'm able to sleep now. This is part of how the contractor convinced me to buy the security system for the home that I live in. I had never felt the need for security before. It's always been one of the safest neighborhoods. Now I arm the security sometimes 24/7. Another bill to pay. My sense of certainty has diminished drastically. I doubt what I know. The doubt what I've done. It hasn't even been that eventful, I didn't think. I didn't think I was important enough to be noticed. I felt like it took a lot of nerve to go back to that ER. It did feel a bit surreal and mechanical. I learned a bit about power dynamics that month. I learned what happens when you attract the wrong attention. Maybe it was silly of me to think it would be any different. But I thought by being quiet and following the letter of the law I would be ok. I was wrong. I was very wrong. I'm looking for the faith inside myself. I'm not sure what the world wants. I'm trying to find out. I'm trying to communicate better. I'm trying to be realistic. I cannot over rely on medication. I cannot fight the system because I will lose in a heartbeat. I cannot possibly be that intelligent if I can lose at life so badly as to be in this situation at my age.