Light vs Dark

    I've been struggling tremendously with focus. They never took the Ritalin back so I've tried one here and there. It actually seems to help. Ridiculous for someone to be so afraid to take his own meds. But it's not been easy.  I guess some things make sense. The hospital gives me the pills and tries to perfectionize me, I get angry and we both eventually make some mistakes. Then it's the back and forth. It does make sense. 

    In the 90s we didn't know as much. But I thought the doctors could learn. They could learn from their mistakes. That way they can do better for the kids. I'd be like one of those cautionary tales. I just get upset at all the pills then I get upset at the mistakes, then they're pissed off that I'm pissed off, then they're trading me between hospitals. Then they're threatening jail and restraining orders. It's rather odd. It's a very strange life. 

        I was like bubble boy. But I didn't intend it to get this far. So now people know some of my darker sides, including sometimes taking hemp products legally as recommended by an MD and catching hell for it. Though Spravato was much more powerful. In my opinion. I still believe that ketamine is fantastic for depression. Though I'm not on it right now. And I've lost interest in looking for miracles.

    But there's good sides too, and while my family, former professionals, and some former friends seek professional help, I should focus on some of that. I did play sports, do well academically, and met a lot of cool people. I worked different jobs. I traveled. I was close to the kids. 6 nieces and nephews and at times honorary ones. I've have to think about some of the good parts more. While everyone else seeks professional help. 

    I do better in smaller groups because of PTSD/AS/CAPD (trauma/autism/auditory issues). I know other people with medical problems that avoid large groups as well. I just don't have the energy to go around and tell everybody what's going on. Sometimes I don't even have the mental clarity. 

    I like to think of all the people who have helped or have been there. You know? I'll have to mention some of my favorite people. I just can't push too hard. I've got to focus on my writing. It helps me think more clearly and to see the bigger picture. I miss Elle. I hope she's doing well. 

    I'm told I need more cohesive thinking, more connected memory, a lack of sensory chaos, to avoid stress, and better emotional and impulse control. 

    Yeah, I think it's starting to make more sense. Hopefully before the lynching mobs show up. Anyways, I figured I'd start publishing everything as quickly as possible just in case. This was supposed to be PG. Now I understand why Prichards wanted complex medical trauma instead of DID.