Apologies

     I am not sorry for following the orders of Prichards on THC. That was not my mistake to make. That was the doctor's. I am not sorry for following Artstick's orders on Spravato, that was her mistake to make. I am sorry for not communicating better. I am sorry for spending beyond my means. Those two things I can be sorry for. Those two things alone. 

    I am not sorry for the small-minded ignorance and hatred of the inpatient population. I am not sorry that my family and some people cannot understand autism spectrum or trauma. I am not sorry for these things. 

    I am sorry for contacting the nurse. I am not sorry for cutting off people who were being unhelpful. 

    I regret the misunderstanding and chaos that has followed me from this hospital to that center to the other hospital. I regret that some people have the inability to recognize a good person for they are missing out. I regret the loose mouths and the hateful ignorance. 

    I reiterate my gratitude to SCDHEC (or whatever it's called now), to the ethical nurses and doctors (the ones that understand boundaries), to Gryphs, Leaves, Molly, and "my women"... To Lost and Rigged... to all the good eggs. Wrong and right work both ways. I hope to be able to contribute more, since that seems to invariably be what the world wants... but only the best of me, since that is what it insists on. I hope to keep my peace and earn my keep... to communicate better, so that I might avoid the misunderstandings of the past. Hospitals can be dangerous places. I've seen dangerous things happen in them. I've seen times when dangerous things could have happened but did not. My health seems fragile enough and the medications unreliable enough that I fear trying to get off disability. But I have some job applications in and I continue to look for part time work suitable to my bizarre arrangement of skills.

    This gets much more traumatic, I might just have to apply to graduate school and become a trauma counselor myself. In the end, trauma is a matter of perception. I've had every concept of myself challenged and again. I've gone without emotional comfort. I've been through various medical symptoms. I've had extreme moments of dysregulation and confusion. I'm tired of it. To the ignorant, I am sorry you are not able to understand these things. I suppose I could have said more. I didn't realize it was necessary. There was a lot of not hearing going on. I would really like to mind my own business now. 

    I'll always remember the good eggs. If I can do right by them, that's good enough for me. We know more now about autism and trauma then we did in the 90s, so let's apply that knowledge. Me, I'll try to watch what I say and get more done at home where I can keep a safe distance most of the time.