Dear Hospital

Ok, So I'm back, after a few more law enforcement related hallucinations and flashbacks. See, this is why I want South Carolina to understand trauma better. Because when people don't know what they are dealing with, it can cause problems. When the body goes through a long series of traumatic events, that can be called complex PTSD or DID. PTSD is similar but related to a narrower set of traumatic events generally over a shorter period of time. Mislabeling a trauma disorder as a mood disorder is counterproductive. Applying the wrong medications and treatments is counterproductive. Demonizing or goading a person with trauma is counterproductive. CCBH and I learned that the hard way.

Danger is all about interpretation. 911 operators, hostage negotiators, trauma counselors, they understand this. Psychiatrists should understand it better. They need to get off their high horses about THC and trauma disorders in general. It's really not impressive to treat people like shit and be know it alls because you think you're better than them. You went to a fucking med school. Get over it. Shut your damn traps and I'll shut mine. 

I'm not actually afraid of the FBI or the police because I don't actually commit crimes. And they have the resources and skills to figure that out. Having DID does not make me dangerous or a criminal mastermind. If I had been dangerous, I'm pretty sure the FBI reports asking them to monitor my communications would have found that out. Other than Internet disruptions and my counselor talking to people, I haven't heard anything. Maybe I filed one more report. Anyways, I imagine they hacked my phone and computer by now. If not, then they must not be concerned. I've been receiving some harassment since CCBH. I get a little paranoid about past trauma.

If you understand Stockholm Syndrome, Polyvagal theory, and Hostage negotiation type skills, then you understand how to handle DID or complex PTSD or PTSD. Remain calm. Ground the person. Be cautious with medication. Don't be alarmed about THC. Remember Adrenaline and Cortisol. The body is in a fight or flight state. A fight state can resemble mania. The dissociation can resemble Psychosis. A flight or freeze state can resemble severe depression or catatonia. Abrupt movements are to be expected. Collapse is possible. I'm not that strong.

My body is tired. 2 comas. Complex medical trauma / DID. It has been run through the adrenaline/cortisol cycle. First responders, veterans, and abuse victims will understand this stuff. People who work on night shifts understand this stuff. The body gets tired. 

My humor confuses people. My counselor loves my humor. Why? because it's an effective coping mechanism. People with trauma understand this. You have to laugh. Otherwise, the stress is too much. Robin Williams was amazing. I've seen most of his stuff. 

I asked mental health professionals to read this site. I want people to understand trauma in South Carolina. So, we can all rest easier. DID is not actually something that needs to keep you awake at night. Mauldin is actually one of the safest cities in the country. The police are heavily armed, and they go in force. I doubt they worry about me. If a five-foot woman can be alone and unarmed with me, I'm pretty sure there's no need for fear. She would have said something if I had been violent in more than 5 years of once-a-week counseling. Some inappropriate comments here and there. She would have said something if my communication was alarming. She hasn't said anything yet, and now she has Coffee to help her. And yes, he is male. I got tired of some of the comments about sexuality. So now I have a man and a woman in charge of my care, so that people don't get confused. Make it complicated, and it becomes complicated.

People with Stockholm syndrome or effects like that can develop strong attachments to other people during traumatic events. Which is why I am so attached to certain people like Elle and Leaves and my counselor. They have helped me through some very difficult times. You know why? Not because they were women or because of their hair color. Because they all understand trauma and they understand me. Elle worked with me for decades and has a history of trauma. Leaves is a trauma counselor. My counselor is CCPT-II certified (Certified Clinical Trauma Professional Level II: Complex Trauma). If you think she does not know what she is dealing with, you are a fucking moron. Even if you have an MD. Morons can have MDs too. Like the nursing staff said, you take a test enough, you can pass it eventually (though that doesn't really speak highly of the staff's skills, I get the point). I passed CPA, but I have only taken that Dissociation inventory once, and it was maybe 200-300 questions. I cannot fake that. I am not nearly that smart. PTSD off the charts. Dissociation off the charts. Psychosis ZERO ZERO ZERO. Coffee has the results, I believe. Artstick did too. That's why I ignore other Psychiatrists. They don't have those results. So they diagnose psychosis. WASTE. OF. TIME. AND. RESOURCES. Don't make me make you look stupid. 

Sometimes I don't know how to interpret. Being in a fight or flight state turns off the prefrontal cortex. It turns off more complex thinking. So if I seem confused, it's not because I'm psychotic or on drugs or a moron, it's because my body has shut down my responses. Due to a long series of traumatic events, it does that around holidays and certain high stress periods. Like when I'm in ERs and people are threatening me. Further communication only increases confusion. Just stop talking. Keep it simple. I'll be in my mind waiting for y'all to pull it together and make some sense and a damn effort. You keep it up long enough, you may have me in a room by myself in pain thinking of lawsuits and blurting out stuff from the past like Elle's name or City Center's name or other things. It's not really helpful.

So, yes, Arson, I do want to be studied in a sense. I do want you to understand complex trauma and how to treat it. Because instead of throwing people in jail or threatening them or labeling them bipolar or freaking out, you might just learn polyvagal theory a little better. It might save you time and stress. Because I'm not afraid of your staff or personnel and they have no reason to fear me. Y'all have known me since the mid-nineties. I think I'm fairly predictable by this point. And if a five-foot women doesn't need security guards and locks, why do you? Why do you cower behind your locks and your meds and your DSM? It's not that hard. Yeah, I see your security guards. Do I look armed to you? Do I look like I can overpower that many people? Do I look particularly dangerous? Why do you need combination to get into these places? I'm glad they didn't have that. The taser stays at home folks. For possible break in. A deterrent. And with everyone knowing me and it being bright pink, I'd be in a jail pretty fast if I tried to use it improperly. People seem to find me frightening. You know I pushed a doctor once? I was frustrated. Y'all may remember. It was at MIP. She didn't actually lose her balance. All that happened was I got frustrated and she stopped working with me. Then there was that Nutritionist at IMA. I had just been through trauma. It was kinda funny. I asked to hug her. She said yes. So I did. Well then the staff started calling me her boyfriend and it became uncomfortable. But she could have said no. And if you understand trauma it's not actually that big a deal. And yes, I keep mentioning the word trauma to differentiate it from Bipolar because if you people don't get with the program we're really wasting each other's time. Because the treatments are different. Learn the damn theory. Polyvagal theory. CCPT. Look it up. That way people don't have to worry about reports to SCDHEC, Medical board, DSS, etc etc etc because you're not doing stupid things that don't help and can make things worse for everyone. I'm not actually trying to be a professor here I'm just trying to save you time and stress and resources so that we don't need to watch the bed, chart at 4.5 PPH, or stuff like that. But I do appreciate health care professionals. It's not all about looks either. Yeah, I like that she liked the poem. I'm not actually that interested in her. I'm not there to date people. I've bigger problems. I wrote the poem for the hospital. There are women on the outside. I have a misplaced sense of humor. It comes from a history of trauma. We do need to see other people. I know Greenville County has plenty of people with problems. I talked to plenty at Crisisline.

By the way, the new fence looks nice. I like the rounded top. It's sturdy. And with the security cameras and current set up, y'all have it well managed. It'd be very hard for someone, to say, jump the fence, come to the visitor's entrance, and ask to visit himself. When you said my father was there to visit, but the name he gave was mine... I had a flashback. In combination with people threatening to throw me in jail, my mind constructed a scenario, and I began to believe I was going to be arrested. So there was some confusion. Loss of trust. I really don't think threats are appropriate. But I get it. You think I'm dangerous. After all this time? I pushed a doctor once. That was 26 years ago. I've walked around y'all unarmed for all these years. I'm not that strong. I know the speed of your security. I've seen them before. Many times. I get afraid too. Maybe it's time to stop fearing each other. Stop threatening and medicating and all that. There are some medications that help with trauma. It's not that hard to know how to use them safely. So do so. So long as they are properly prescribed for the correct symptoms and time periods, I will take them. But if you dx bullshit, then you can expect bullshit in return. Fair's fair. Garbage in, Garbage out. Move your codes around on your charts, just treat the symptoms, physical or otherwise. Save your threats and restraining orders. You do that and I won't have to retreat inside my mind and lock you out. I've gotten good at that. It's a survival mechanism. Oh Arson knows, yes he knows. He knows all the names I think. The functions. The genders are really just a representation of cultural stereotypes. I am male. And if you have to know, the female stuff is a Robin Williams sense of humor thing. I really adored that man. He made me laugh. 

You know he killed himself. Some type of dementia. Anyways.

I get frustrated. The Bipolar bullshit is particularly annoying to me. The obsession with medication is annoying to me. It's making it difficult to follow doctor's orders. But the PA is not one of you. I don't know if he was the one in the emergency room who called Bipolar "one of the most over diagnosed things in the book" but I think whoever said that is right. And bringing it up is useless. You should see that by now. No, I'm following Artstick's orders. You other shrinks, go learn polyvagal theory. Stop wasting everyone's time. You cannot recognize a trauma disorder, change careers. This is a waste of public resources. You want to lecture me? Expect lectures in return. You don't know everything. So, stop pretending and I will too. And then maybe we can laugh a little.

You see Seroquel can bring down dissociation symptoms when they are severe. I did stop taking it after the severe symptoms went away but Seroquel does not treat trauma, it treats psychosis and bipolar, which I do not have. My history of trauma will prove this. My symptoms will prove this. I am making this public to shut down the bipolar bullshit, the poor boundaries, and the medication flow. It's not helpful. If these meds landed me in two comas, they're not going to stop a third.

Doing Taxes can be traumatic. Last tax season I broke down. Didn't even make it through the last day. I don't know if I'll be back. They pushed me too hard. I didn't set limits. I need to step back from high stress environments on a long-term basis. I'd like to focus on this writing people keep telling me about. Maybe write about Greenville. You know, all the famous writers do that. The ones I've admired. They write about what they know. Their experiences. But I like Greenville, which is why I insist on staying here, and anyone who does like that can go fuck themselves. But since I do like Greenville, you shouldn't be that concerned about my writing. Other then perhaps McClean (not in Greenville), some key psychiatrists, and CCBH, there's not a whole lot of negative to say. It's a nice place. CCBH was trying to rebuild Rome in a week and that short sightedness and goading and stupidity really fucked us all. I hope they learned something. I need to stay out of these hospitals. I guess it's hard to be sympathetic to some doctor's kid on govt insurance but maybe you could try harder. At least keep your traps shut now and then. Tone it down a little. Or at least be ready for me to unload on you in return. Garbage in, Garbage out. Common sense. Elle was really good at knowing just the right words. She could manage me rather easily. You can demonize her or me for that. You can exaggerate what it means. I know how gossip works. But I do have to talk sometimes. So we can talk or I can lock you out and go away in my mind and we can stare at each other while you chart at 4.5 PPH. See the patient observer, the hispanic one, she reminded me of that crisisline caller from all those years ago... The one I tried to help. That's when a trauma disorder is not so harmful. Because to me, that activates some protector/helper instincts. And then I'm more focused on helping someone. That's why she was able to get me out. That and some calming from Seroquel/Ativan. But all these threats and garbage about substances and stalking and danger is not helping anyone. It makes me file reports. Because I start to feel threatened. It makes me lose trust. It's not that hard. Specific medications and substances can bring down trauma symptoms. Avoiding certain triggers. Grounding. Calming. Reflection. Validation. Positivity. Humor that is not degrading. Anyone insults or threatens my people again, I will file reports. There will be action. You want to break me or my people? Roll the dice. I know the law. Better than you think.

You know Prichards pushed too hard? Yeah, he cared too much too. Let's label him Bipolar and give him the drugs. I can do projection too. I can do DSM too. You taught me. I have the Psychology degree as well. We can project each other. We can do regression and transference. Oh yeah. So stop the bullshit. You're stressing out my counselor with this bullshit. You're stressing out me with this bullshit. We need to stop wasting time. Cuz we can all go to McClean. Or Prison. Or be drugged. That's not helping anyone. I don't appreciate threats anymore then you do. 

Arson's been working there a long time. He's not a bad man. It's difficult working in a hospital. Difficult being a patient. I just don't feel like threats and druggings are helpful if we can all just back off Angry, laugh a little. Mind our own business. But if you get me to a 10, you can expect shutdowns, cryptic communications, symbols, and if at that point you don't apply trauma techniques then you are wasting time and resources. Why yall were so focused on my gender and orientation... I can see that maybe, but I was focused on physical symptoms and trauma memories. Right from the get go. Before I even got to the ER. Before Mindwell released me. The nurse turned pale as a sheet. They didn't check my vitals. They let me go. Then EMS had to come pick me up. Left the water on. The house flooded. So I think the fault can be divided between myself and Mindwell. Not properly managing Spravato side effects. Perhaps I hadn't eaten enough. Perhaps the lose dose aspirin had built up, throwing off my immune system. I don't know what Anion Gap is, but the white blood cell stuff, the acetaminophen level, and the CO2 level seem to suggest something around low dose aspirin and Spravato. Maybe if there is a next time the ER doc can say something more helpful then "we can't find anything". That's Bullshit. You know you did. Your name is all over the lab results. I can't trust you if you don't trust me. It works both ways. So if you lie to me, I'm not going to tell you anything. We can waste each other's time. Or file lawsuits. Don't be ugly with me, and I won't need to shut down or be ugly with you. Cuz I can go away in my mind... I can talk to Leaves and Elle... or many other people... people that know how to help... or I can jump frogs, ride leaves... visit New Zealand... contemplate F-35 contracts... play Moonlight Sonata... That Ritalin song is nice... made me want to stop taking Ritalin... Kinda like Chloe Adams... the doctor said...

I'll be lost inside my head
Bad thoughts 'til 4 a.m.
Then I'll try to sleep
And I can't tell anyone
I'm so scared they'll get up and run
So I don't speak

And oh, I miss when we were younger
The days were so much funner
Weren't they?
Oh, I book a new appointment
It's another disappointment
They're all the same, same, same

When the doctor says I'm fine
One at morning, one at night
These pills will help you remember how to smile
But what does he know?
'Cause I feel so alone
And mom and dad both tell me I'm alright
'Cause the doctor said you're fine

My own mind can lie to me
They all say it's anxiety
But I just think it's me
Now I've lost so many years
My pillow's a tissue for my tears
But you never see

And now, I can't even eat my dinner
Mom says I'm getting thinner
Am I?
Oh, I book a new appointment
Yet another disappointment
They're all the same, same, same

When the doctor says I'm fine
One at morning, one at night
These pills will help you remember how to smile
But what does he know?
'Cause I feel so alone
And mom and dad both tell me I'm alright
'Cause the doctor said you're fine

But he don't care about me
He'll just go home to his family
Why does no one see?
I'm not the girl I wish that I could be

'Cause the doctor said I'm fine
One at morning, one at night
These pills will help you remember how to smile
But what does he know?
'Cause I feel so alone
And mom and dad both tell me I'm alright
'Cause the doctor said I'm fine

 

Understanding trauma is not that hard. But if you don't try, if you make threats, then people start thinking about lawyers... and this community has a few... some already contact me. We need to see other people. In the real world.

They tell me that this is long term. That some things are fairly permanent. I need rest, nutrition, and a low stress lifestyle. Not medications, doctors, and hospitals. I'm 43. If you think I'm looking for a drug hardy, high excitement lifestyle, you're really not paying attention. I like calm and quiet. I had CAPD/AS. I do not like loud noise, flashing lights, high stimulation. You can think of me as shemale or feminine/masculine, but you start talking about it and you are INVITING A LAWSUIT. Do not dehumanize me. Do not threaten me. People find out. And you then I'm not the only one who looks ugly. We all do. We can be good people or bad people. We can be in jails or drugged. We all have choices. You can go to McClean too. Don't make me be ugly. 

I'm not a criminal mastermind, I'm just observant and after all these years I'm stressed and tired and I've developed patience. So, I'll just keep waiting for y'all to stop wasting time and be more productive. I've got to work on my at home skills. See other people. Stop being broke and tired. I'm not actually that exciting or that dangerous.

I know people with trauma are difficult. I've dealt with a few. There was a purple heart Vietnam guy in Springbrook. Bigger than me. I can see how people like that scare other people. The look in the eyes. The adrenaline and cortisol making movements jerky. The things they say when they are calm. The things they say when they dissociate. Crazy ass shit. Not so dangerous with empty hands.

I've been in MIP so very many times. I know all the ways to be dangerous. It's been decades. I've said things that scare people. I've been drugged. I pushed a doctor once. Do you really think, knowing every square inch of that place, after all this time... knowing all the procedures, the strengths and weaknesses, knowing IT, knowing the community... do you really think, especially with law enforcement watching me, that anyone is in any real danger? Am I that smart? Am I that strong? Do you really think I have any desire to harm these people? I say weird things. Don't get in a twist. I'm not that smart. I'm not that strong. My counselor is in good health. As far as I know, Elle and Leaves are doing just fine. Haven't seen either once since 2020. Five years. I think they are doing just fine. I hope so. I think they've earned it.

I still think that scribing too freely, misdiagnosing, threatening or manipulating people is dangerous. I have enough records and witnesses, PRISMA, I can see you and Prichards in court about Bipolar. In the meantime, let's not waste each other's time.