Mistake vs Failure

 Everyone makes mistakes. A mistake isn't failure until the end. 

I'm 43. At 17,18, and 19 I tried to kill myself. Those were mistakes. Somehow, I'm still here.

at 40, Prichards went gonzo with tons of different meds and I had bought a gun and all sort of shit. So there were mistakes. To different degrees, we made them together. But I'm not dead yet.

at 43. I'm still here. So in fact, I HAVE NOT FAILED YET. I have made mistakes. We all make mistakes. I've made some pretty dramatic ones. And as much as I may be angry, 

See when I started my life, my first desire as a kid was to be a cop. Parents wouldn't have it. So it moved through programming to teaching back to IT then to psychology, then back to IT then Accounting then I tried to apply to the IRS and to the FBI (forensic accountant), then this medical blew up. Then I had to think. And I did more accounting. Then I started writing again, and it was to make a book, then I got back into poetry, then I decided that since I seem to be stuck here and unable to keep the tax job stable (too seasonal), and since I'm on govt money, I want to write about greenville. But not just about me personally, but about the city and the county in a more rounded way.

See I've been around different folk. Europe. Central America. Alaska. SE. Unfortunately not Africa or Asia, unless you count St. Petersburg, which I think is still technically europe. Anyways, not just different places, different types. Crisisline, Austen Riggs, MA, Psych hospitals... you meet all kinds of folks... my jobs in IT, tax, and retail. Clemson. Tech. I've been around dirt poor. I've been around filthy rich. Different cultures and ethnicities. I don't know everything. But I've had a lot of exposure. Some people should keep that in mind. Thinking they are the ultimate repository of knowledge. I've been around so many Phds, MDs, and sorts... no one knows everything. So another thing I'm trying to do is help some people learn to shut their traps. Y'all created me. Be Proud. So hopefully I can do that. My energy does seem to be limited, and my learning capacity is slowing down.

Anyways, The thing is, though myself and the people I've worked with have made mistakes, the truth is none of us has actually failed just yet. That's what got me to keep going. Not revenge. Because we're all still alive, most of us... so... we haven't failed yet. So that got me started on what Arson called "OH GREAT, HE WANTS TO BE STUDIED". That's actually a pretty good idea. See, we can still make this work. So now we're learning together. Me, PRISMA, the old guard, and South Carolina. Maybe we can do something special. Aside from threats and lawsuits and stuff. Maybe we can influence people to be responsible with medical care, eat more healthy, think more independently, be more positive. Even when we're angry. Anyways, I hate to mention the name on the building thing but, fact is, so long as it's there, it's hard to shut me up. So I get to criticize. I'll get heat for it. But. I'm also getting heat for not doing it. Can't please everyone. See, it is, like my sister said, OK to be angry. It's OK to have emotions. It really is. We are not robots. Though I think I've moved down a bit from 10 to about a 6. Maybe 5. But like the counselor explained... it's not one and done. It's not a one way road. I'm going to have different emotions at different intensities and that intensity will go up and down. Contrary to Prichards belief, I am in fact not dangerous, I do get to make decisions, I get to have feelings, I get to have a life. Because if I am anyone's property, I am federal property. Country first. Then South Carolina. Not that I like what the federal govt is doing right now. But I'd to avoid politics. There's plenty of places for that.