What did learn from MIP? I learned what to filter out. What limits to set. They didn't like that I was there. Again. But I thought of what key people have told me. The psychiatrists that follow me, the counselor that follows me, and the psychologist from the outpatient program. Avoiding making friends with dysfunctional people. Ignoring their games and their misguided comments. Filtering things out. Not being so focused on names. not playing different people against each other. sticking to basic truths. What things to ignore. When to say enough is enough. Shutting down gossip and not buying into beliefs that are not healthy. When I need to be clear. When I need to make threats. How to process and let go of what remains. I was there for a week. I did a lot of thinking. There are people whose advice remains guiding principles. The rest, unfortunately, I have to let roll off. I've had a lot of mentors. I have gotten a lot of good advice. But I have to choose the advice that works for me. I did very little talking. I was very careful about what I bought into. Hospitals and centers are full of influences and advice. Be careful what you buy into. Sometimes I have to heed my own counsel. playing musical advisors or musical influencers... yeah you can experience a lot. But it can lead you down dark paths. Slowly or all at once. Can't please everyone. I'm choosing my people carefully. I'm filtering some things out. I've had trouble trusting psychiatrists. Some of them can be slippery or cold. They don't know everything. I can't expect them to. Yet as much heat as I get for relying on them, as hard as I find it to communicate with them, I liked what that one and the outpatient one are doing. As far as coordination of care, I signed the necessary releases after they discharged me, and whether people like it or not, I'm keeping the same doctors and other medical staff. I can't play musical medical staff. But I'd rather not return to the Memorial medical campus anymore then I absolutely have to. I'm being more careful what I say. That's not paranoia. That's boundaries. I'd rather not involve more people in these hallucinations or PTSD or whatever any more than necessary. To me that's boundaries. Yes, I live by myself. Yes, I don't go out much. No, it still doesn't seem like a good idea to do so. No, I don't know when that will change. And there will always be people that resent me for being who I am. So stay out of my life. Don't get involved. If you know you don't like me, don't be around me. You have choices. You send me somewhere else, someone else will find something to dislike about that. I can't make my own referrals. If no one makes a referral to gateway, I can't go there. No one has. No one intends to. I don't see how it would help but it's not even up to me. I can't go there without a referral. No one is making that referral. Not MIP. Not Brownell. Not the counselor. No one. That is actually, outside of my control. When I have so much medical to focus on, and I'm trying to reintegrate, another center isn't gonna make a difference. If these professionals disagreed, they would have already made that referral. I'm not giving them instructions; they are making decisions. I'm not stubborn. I'm heeding professional advice. I can't tell them what referrals to make. Phoenix is a limited time program. It doesn't fix this. This truly is mental health. Let the professionals do their jobs, mind your own damn business. Stop being fake and controlling. Leave me alone. I don't need that many people in my life. Let me focus on the medical. I can't fake these results. It's not possible. You don't need to talk to me? You don't want to talk to me? Then don't. How much more needs to be said before people shut up and mind their own business? You don't want emergencies? you don't want stress? Just keep you mouths shut and your eyes on your business. I'm trying to do the same. No more advice. Let the professionals do their job. You're pissing them off. Not just me. Them too. MIP. Counselor. ER. No one is happy about this. Stop trying to control me and them. Let them do their jobs. As far as the house, it's completely unclear to me what exactly needs to be thrown away, but I'm cleaning it. But the until the internist says more about the blood pressure, I can only do so much driving and moving around. You're never gonna listen. I could put it in five languages, you'll still be pissed. You have some things to get over too. Mind your own business. You're gonna kill me this way. Running me here and there. Let the professionals do their job. I'll probably never know what makes you happy. I'm tired of trying. Stay out of my life unless you actually want to be in it. Whatever you think I am. Let that go. Whoever I am, take from that what is actually there, and stop trying to program me. One day you'll have to actually listen to something I say and really hear it, or stop listening and being around me entirely. In the meantime, let me mind my own business.
Blood Pressure
Well, it went back up again. 144/87. I'd better update the psychiatrist. Tomorrow it's the picking up of the meds, calling the internist, and visiting the house again. Y'all know who you are. Don't get too involved in this shit. You know my name. Use it if you need to. But this blood pressure thing has to have my attention right now. My foot is usually best in the middle of the day. So that's when I'll do my necessary driving. Medication refill. Go by the house. Counseling checks on me at 2. This is my life. now you all can see. This is it. day by day. Is it pretty? This is me trying to mind my own business. Not cause harm. This is it. You don't have to see me. You don't have to know me. You can mind your own business too. For me it has to revolve around doctors and symptoms. No Center or person with letters after their name can change that. I don't know how much you want me to do. But my body is only so strong. The medical tests can't be faked. I'm not that creative. Unless you want a medical following me around to keep the records, you may have to rely on the numbers in the charts and the numbers that I get. I'm not so creative that I can create patterns. I'm not interested in trying. I'd like to work out the problems I have and not endanger anyone. Pretend you don't know me if you don't like it. Just find me a little less interesting, if you could. You've got other things to talk about and to do. It's not like I said to myself, well maybe I'd like to be medically complex. I didn't come up with the term. They gave it to me. One of their brilliant ideas. I'm trying to pick up fewer ideas. Stick with the long lists on the charts. All the letters. I'm trying to let those letters stay on the charts. focus on reality. Right now that's the blood pressure. There's only so much more I want to know.
Name Avoidance Disorder
How many names do I need to know? Seriously? Do I need to know everyone's name? But oh no, he doesn't know this person's name or that person's name!! National Emergency. Call 911, he doesn't know my name! How many names do I really need to know?
If they ask me to consult XYZ one more, I'm going to go ballistic. He is not the only doctor in this world, and it really is pissing the doctors off to have other doctors giving feedback. It's not ethical. We need to take that name down a few notches. It's pissing people off. If I have to be the one to say it, then I'll say it for the benefit of the community. It's just a name. Take it down a few notches. Some people in particular need to hear that and they're rather pissed off at me right now. There are other people in this community and people with my last name do not need to be controlling the community or causing chaos. It's getting old. They're getting pissed off. It's just a name and people with this name do not know everything. Including but not limited to myself.
Ethics and Control
The thing about people with letters, the doctors, the social workers, the counselors... They don't like being manipulated. They don't like it when you don't follow their instructions, they don't like having opinions fed to them, they don't like not being included in decisions, they don't like other people with letters interfering, and don't like being gossiped about. I've made these mistakes. But these people with letters don't stop interfering with each other, then shit storm gets worse. LET THEM DO THEIR JOBS. DON'T TALK ABOUT THEM. DON'T FEED THEM OPINIONS. I CAN'T CONTROL THEM ANYMORE THEN YOU CAN. And if you have letters after your name and someone with letters finds out you contradicted your instructions for someone under your care, that really pisses you off.
The internist said stay at home. STAY AT HOME. HOW HARD IS THAT TO UNDERSTAND. AM I GONNA HAVE TO RECORD HER VOICE AND PLAY IT BACK FOR YOU? IS THAT WHAT IT TAKES? YOU THINK SHE APPRECIATES THIS? No, you want me running around town. If my right foot is numb when I'm driving, what then? The walking is easier then the more targeted motions like driving. There is common sense here somewhere.
You people with letters better mind your own damn business and stop interfering with each other. It's not helpful. It's really the Internist, the Psychiatrist, and the Counselor I need to follow right now. The GI doc, I just take the prilosec each AM and watch my diet. The neurologist did her job. The Psychiatrist, I have to schedule the appointment because they refused to coordinate care and I'll have to drive to that place or do the video appointment and he hates when I do the video but I really do not think I need to be driving a lot of places and that particular place is not easy to drive to. YOU THINK YOU CAN COORDINATE A LITTLE BETTER ER/MEMORIAL? Anyways. I suppose I could message the psychiatrist about moving the refill so I can drive to my place and go to the pharmacy right near it instead of driving multiple places. They just love hearing from me. No, they are not going to be happy till I'm running around town. They got a schedule to keep.
Just took my morning meds. doing the calm app. If I'm good at communicating in writing then maybe that's what I should do. I'll journal every single day. That'll be your communication know you don't like it. But when I say my say my voice isn't great, again, and again and again... well maybe there's something to that. When I say my voice isn't good, do I need a letter from the neurologist saying that i shouldn't talk much? I like to rest it. I'll need to check the blood pressure again at noon. trying to get it below 125/80. when the lower number goes above 80, that seems to be when my foot doesn't work as well. The left one is rather perky.
No people will always be pissed off I don't say much. Some people don't say much and do just fine. If I can be ok with it, why can't other people? communicating visually isn't a crime. Gets on people's nerves. I don't speak loudly. Not for long periods.
I need to wash up. Check my blood pressure around noon, then try to go by my place to get it ready for the repairs. Tomorrow I'll have to focus on getting to the hospital to get that medication. How hard can it be to get an LPC, an internist, and a psychiatrist to work together and mind my own business? Keep the rest of the snakes at bay? Gonna have to find out, day by day. The rest of the people with letters have done their jobs. There's only so many places you can ship me. And if I keep driving like this, that would contradict pretty much all the people with letters. Yet you want me running around town, from here to there? Brilliant. Keep it up. Soon we'll all be dead. Soon we'll be having wellness checks from public safety. That'll make you real happy, won't it? You think police want to worry about me? you think they don't have enough on their plate? Without wellness checks and stuff like that? You think people driving around without feeling in my right foot?