Angry 5/10/25

I liked this one thing my counselor said when I was really angry. She was like "Tell Angry, 'Back off, Angry". It was funny. Somehow not so funny at the time but now it is. 

IMA did try very hard. But they found it all very alarming. The Internist, he tried to talk me through a little, got me connected with some other people. 

The nutritionist issue was the key problem. She had been very kind. I still use her knowledge. Oh, the hospital nutritionist was thrilled. We talked on the phone for an hour. Going on and on about this food and that food, and how this works well, and I know why she told you that... Sometimes I'm good at conversation. 

MIP got real mad about that. Oh, those shrinks taught me a lot. They got a bit frustrated. Arson is so funny. We've known each other too long. That's why we need to see other people. I don't mind Arson so much, he's just not knowing maybe how to deal with this. Sometimes I wish I could be a fly on the wall. Seems like so many people know so much about me, but my memory is not that good and my focus isn't either. It gets to be like one of those in another world things. We do know each other well. In another world we could be great friends. So many people I know here. But I struggle to remember. I struggle to connect those dots. Because, again, as the Psychology at Clarity said... I can remember, I cannot recall. The memories are blocked. They are still there. I can still remember. It's hard to pull specific memories. Then she disagreed with Bipolar. Along with Artstick and Mindful. PTSD OFF THE CHARTS. DISSOCIATION OFF THE CHARTS. No, some people will never learn. They went to fancy schools. They know everything. Never mind their own damn tests. I'm sure I faked that. So now I do things like walk around saying stuff like I need to FOCUS on REAL LIFE.. not SITTING IN SHRINKS OFFICES TAKING PILLS. it tends to DESTROY THE MIND. Oh you'll remember. You just won't recall. Then you'll be running around collecting labels and pills and when they're not DSM labels there will be plenty of other labels like stalker and pervert and criminal and drug addict and what the fuck do you think you created in the first place? Are you proud? Yall spent a long time on this. I'm sure we all appreciate it. 

I like the plant-based diet because it's so easy on my stomach. And I get everything I need. Last night it was pork chop though. Some brussel sprouts. I like to buy the frozen veggies. I need some potatoes. The cat's looking good. He loves my guitar gig bag. That's his new nap spot because I stopped letting him on the furniture as much. He's a good cat. When I hit that 9 or 10 on the thermometer he knows. He freaks out a little. Reminds me to calm down. He's so happy. There was months I couldn't remember the day. After Clozaril. That stuff fucked my brain. and damaged my body. And I hope it is banned permanently. Not safe for human consumption. 

Anyways, turn back in for more of the blame game after Mother's Day. I'm sure someone will find something to say. 

The Gratitude Game

Ok, now that I'm partially vented... And CCBH got theirs in too... months of harassing phone calls after the complaint I filed. But that's not why I'm careful about filing complaints or even complaining in person. Those of you who may have met me in real life may notice that I am known for politeness. There's a reason for that. Some people think it's fake. But I like to think about the good eggs. The people on the ground. Not the highflyers. The ones on the ground. They're not on TV. Their names are not well known. They are not usually rich. Not all of them work in healthcare, but many do. They tend not to flap their mouths too much, but if you're decent to them, and you have good boundaries, you can get to know a few... I keep them in my memory. I replay the things they say. Sometimes I have conversations with them. It's like being in Heaven. I think of all my people. The good eggs. We hang out. We talk. We laugh. We go to imaginary parks and skip rocks, throw frisbees... We talk about old times... I miss some of my good eggs. Many did work at MIP. Some are still there. Admins, nurses, techs... They're just people I knew. Others are from Riggs. Then many are from so many other, more real-world places like the tax office, other jobs, college, even grade school. I still remember many names. Many are still around here. Some are far away. Some are gone.

I remember when my Great Aunt died. She was one of my favorite people. She lived in Pennsylvania. I used to love to listen to her talk. She knew so many things. Had a big family. We used to visit. Sometimes go on vacation. I get lost in my mind. Those shrinks with their meds built it up like a fortress. It even has a gatekeeper. 

But in that fortress, I keep my people safe. I watch out for them. That's how accountability is difficult. So many patterns with physical symptoms and triggers and the fortress on a hill. Some people invested in that fortress. It worries them that they don't have the keys. But if it opens up too fast, the force could bowl them over. Sometimes I feel so tired. But it's all about that adrenaline. That Polyvagal business. You let those emotions out, you have the right key, the surge could bowl you over. 

Now some people, they realize, that it's all about the right words and nonverbals, taking breaks, not trying to build rome in a day. The ones without God complexes. 

See the counselor, she keeps it simple. She can talk it up. "Verbal Combat" we called it. Some people know fancy words and yet they don't have to use them. Now that's a damn good skill. Funny, the shrinks didn't teach me that. 

I don't recall off the top of my head, but my counselor is like... less then 5 feet? Take a minute to think about this one. You've got a woman less than five feet tall. maybe half my weight. As far as I'm aware, no weapons or training in self-defense, no substances or medication. No locks. No security. It's been more then five years. She doesn't have a scratch. Not from me. Just polyvagal theory and a lot of common sense and insight. Why do you think I like working with women? CUZ THEY SEE THINGS. They can see through the medical bullshit. They know it's a bunch of bullshit records. A bunch of overthinking. A bunch of theory that has little application in the real world. And yet somehow men bigger then me sometimes feel threatened. It's all in the interpretation. Word choice. Nonverbals. So many people know that and just walk around and live their lives. Others, they walk around and mouth off and then wonder why shit hits them. I've done that some. But I was taught by some of the best. 

You wanna tear people down? Become an MD. Better yet, become a shrink. Building people up takes presence and perception and patience. Not something usually found behind locked doors. Words and drugs can both break your mind. A little at a time or all at once. Trust me. Just don't trust Minipress. That shit will kill you. The Red pills. Do not take the red pills. And be careful what you listen to in Psych units. People say all kinds of moronic shit. Destroys the mind. Teaching people the wrong things South Carolina, I'm telling you... just look at me... your hospitals raised me... here I am... your Gold Star...

You know I liked IMA... but they couldn't handle South Carolina's Gold Star... oh no... But they did good. They did very good. They was the ones that flagged SDOH... they was the ones that got hardcore with nutrition... they was the ones who helped me... cuz they knew too.

The Blame Game (part one)

I'm trying to move past the anger stuff... but hearing from MIP or certain other people is not easy. Holidays can be extremely difficult. 

I got me some breakfast. Did some cleaning. But MIP and certain people got me thinking about that old blame game... so let's play...

Step right up folks! Blame is for sale! Who wants to play? In this corner, we have the mentally fucked disabled guy. In these three corners, we have the hospitals, the family, and the drugs.

Ok, let's get started. CCBH, any words?

Well maybe this here fellow is a classic psychopath. You know, the kind that goes around collecting. Yes, let's just program that in and medicate. Release into society. We'll threaten before we do it. Play mind games all day long. Till he's agitated as fuck and we get to force medicate. Then we'll release the drugged zombie, unable to function, and then when he gets off the drugs, he'll remember to sue us. Yes! Let's do it!

Interesting. McClean?

Um, no comment on South Carolina today.

Lost and Rigged?

(Crickets chirping)

Hmm....

Independent Thought

God forbid I should think for myself. Fell outta the Nazi Lockstep. Makes people angry. If this was the army, it might make more sense. But this is not army. 

So again, before anyone tries to reindoctrinate me, forced medication is bad. Toxic masculinity is very real. Bipolar is sometimes real but is overdiagnosed. Diagnosing people based on gender or your own self image is dangerous. Overlooking red flags and passing them off as psychosis or some sort of fictitious disorder and not addressing the root causes, especially in combination with incorrect medication or over medication or turning someone into a pharmacy is extremely dangerous.

Violating ethics requirements of your licensure is extremely dangerous. Life or death, permanent disability dangerous. Reported to the licensure board dangerous. Possible lawsuit dangerous. 

I just need to remind the force medicators now and then. The sick psychopaths with degrees that sit around and twist minds in thier own image. Those people. Harvard types. You know the kind. The medication trials types. NAZIs in sheep's clothing. Oh just wait. And be careful. You may look ok when they get done with you. In 20-30... you might still look ok. Your mind... that's another story. I got plenty of those. Some of them have records and witnesses.