The Boundary Cycle

    Well, This boundary was recommended by the Psychiatrist. This one carries LPC Branding. I like the Social Worker Brand. Soft on the eyes. Hmmmmm... this one is faded.... The lettering on this one is not clear... This one is too bright... red's not a good color for boundaries. This boundary doesn't have enough starch. Throw them all in the washer. Fabric softener makes these boundaries go over well. Hmm.. this boundary could use a little vinegar right here. Do I have enough boundaries? There's a store for that too, I'm sure. Found some boundaries over here. These boundaries aren't working anymore. I'll give them away. They work for somebody. I don't like the Busybody Brand. The MindYourOwnDamnBusiness Brand. That's one I can live with. Do they make t shirts? Maybe I'll put it on a tie. 

Changed my emergency contacts. Old ones not working for me anymore. What's this one's phone number? LPC-WOR-K4ME. Yes, that's the number. I can remember that. I can remember some things. Physical boundaries are relatively straight forward. Ask. If you don't need to touch it, leave it alone. If you don't need to ingest it, don't. If it doesn't belong to you, don't touch it. Emotional ones are more complicated. Some people like to think that giving advice is a right. Other, more emotionally intelligent people, realize that if it doesn't need to be said, you don't say it. You can always ask if someone wants advice. But generally, it's not a good idea to give it if it's... what's the fancy term... un... solicited. solicit is that big word for asking. But you generally shouldn't ask a lot of questions. I've been hearing that a lot. So I don't ask questions I don't need to ask. FORGIVE ME FOR NOT DOING SO. Thou shalt not ask. 

There's lots of big words. Harassment is a big word. When you have big words and/or nicknames or code words, or... in some people's cases, multiple languages... You can find many ways to word things. You can use your tones to emphasize certain words. You can insult, lie, talk behind people's backs, run around, you can communicate with your words... But sometimes there's only so much to say. Kids, under 18... they can only be held so responsible for words and actions... you go above that age? Then you get that fancy word. Responsibility. Accountability. So generally, anyone over the age of 18 should be very careful about what they say. Careful about what they do. Stay in their lane. 

And then some people should have the sense to avoid each other in certain situations. If someone's in a bad mood, don't approach them. If they have a history of manipulating you, avoid them. If you're susceptible to a certain kind of influence from certain people, avoid them. 

So let's review the center list. Gateway checked out. Got enough hospitals and doctors. Got enough busybodies. Phoenix isn't checking in. I'm not checking in either there. 

Habits. You know talking is addictive? They should make it schedule 1. Talking: Use only as directed. Take as needed for asking for things you need. Avoid operating heavy machinery while using. Use caution when giving advice. 

Looking at people. Schedule 3. If you are looking at people and see things you don't want to see, close your eyes or look away. 

Touching. Schedule 2. Do not touch and fantasize. Do not touch without asking. If you notice franticness while touching, stop and consult a priest. 

Noise. Schedule 3. Avoid noising in public. Do not use noising if people are allergic to your noise. Use noise only as intended.

Dissociative Disorder Origins

Dissociative Disorders like DID and Borderline have a lot in common. These people have bad boundaries. They tend to lose themselves in other people. They have patterns They return to the same places, same people, time after time. Oftentimes they are runners. They misplace trust. This is nothing new. McClean knows this. MIP knows this. Most every mental health organization or counselor out there knows this. The thing is, all this starts somewhere. You learn this somewhere. It all comes back to those same places and people you started with, The places and people that you trusted first. The ones that taught you to learn how to walk, to read, to trust in the first place. Dissociative Disorders start somewhere, You wanna find the origins? You don't have to look far. It starts before you end up at one of these places. You trace the footsteps back, you track the running... it walks all the way back... back home.

Bad boundaries are learned. They are taught. When you have a Dissociative Disorder, and you want to find the source, You need to start at the beginning. You start at home. And then you know when to be careful about trust.

I was running before I turned 13. First in my mind, then all sorts of places. It started right where I am now. In this very room. Right here. It started with nights. The nightmares. That's where it started. Right here, This exact spot. This is where DID started... Some 30-40 years ago. This is where I learned.

It can start with physical boundaries. Emotional ones. It can lead to nightmares, running, depression, medications, self-harm, hospitalizations, voices... sometimes the teachers are the ones that bring you in for help. Help my child. They have problems. Give them medications. Teach them. And then from place to place, here to there, you carry your bad boundaries, your trauma and your misplaced trust. Sometimes it's sexual abuse... sometimes verbal... sometimes physical, sometimes the abusers follow you around, they hospitalize you, demonize you, medicate you, they never let you go. 

It starts right here. At home. the exact place that MIP released me to just a few weeks ago. It started decades and decades ago. Right here. This exact spot. And i have returned. To the exact place this all started. It started here. I went to MIP from here. And now MIP has released me to here. STRONG BOUNRDARIES, THEY SAID. STRONG BOUNDARIES. 

Maybe MIP knows a thing or two.

CCBH didn't know what they were doing. They let me be force medicated back into this care. MIP knew different. They didn't do the same. STRONG BOUNDARIES. There's your medicine.

She knew. She knew it started right here. She knew Prichards was controlling me with medication. She knew it all started in this exact spot. And so does MIP. So does Gateway. Everyone knows it all started right here. This exact spot. People with Trauma have patterns, They always return.

The DID started right here. This exact spot. It dissociated. It ran away. It went to MIP. It got medicated. It went to McClean. Got medicated some more. It went to Riggs. It got analyzed. It came home again, It went back to MIP. To Gateway, To Springbrook. To CCBH. And the DID always came back home. Right here, To this exact spot. It comes back home. To where it all started. This spot. This is DID. It's home.

Mindfulness Trick in the ER

 Another trick I used in the ER while they were talking about me was an arcade. In my mind I played pac man, donkey kong, a martial arts game with a moving screen i can't remember the name of, space invaders... I kept my mind busy. Pong. Tennis. Whatever arcade game I could think of. 

I thought of different foods. Peeling an orange. Thinking the sensations. Crunches. vanilla. 

Sometimes when I can't sleep I think about my favorite foods. For the nuts, I like walnuts, pecans, and especially almonds. I love to go too the canned almond isle. What's the brand? Diamond? I pick a different one... Usually they're on sale, so i'll get two or three cans. The vinegar ones, honey, the BBQ... love those things. The nutritionists haec run me through all the diets and formulas. The colors. The plate formulas. Vegetarian, seafood... I always fall back on a combination of Mediterranean and complex carb. Few starches, lots of fruits and veggies, yogurt, my pasta is always wheat, not much cheese (usually only on pasta or salad... condiment... otherwise usually cheddar). For a while I was into the oat milk, then almond because it was cheaper. They stay almost forever, so you don't have to worry about running out. But these days I drink so much milk that I get a full gallon of the 2% each week. My desert is usually a smoothie. Frozen fruit, usually the mango,blueberry, raspberry or strawberry, some nonfat greek yogurt for protein, sometimes some lemon or lime juice, maybe a little ice, and of course the milk. Occasionally a dash of vanilla. 

The pasta, I get the whole wheat, the jarred sauce, parmesan cheese. The sauce is usually either Meat sauce, vodka sauce, tomato basil, or the marinara. Food Lion has a good brand for the meat sauce, otherwise Rao's from walmart. 

My rice is usually the brown, occasionally wild rice. Less butter than olive oil Olive oil can go on almost anything. 

Now and then I get the rotisserie chicken. Lemon pepper or traditional. The leftover, I rip up and put in chicken broth, throw in some veggies and either rice or the wheat pasta. 

Breakfast is usually the instant oatmeal (low sugar), eggs, or yogurt plus fruit. Cereal got pricey. But if I get cereal I like the Great Grains or something wheat. Sometimes a Special K type. 

If I don't feel like cooking or my stomach is bad, I go with the plant protein shake. The vanilla or chocolate.

I love my airfry/toaster/grill. For meat I usually get chicken, salmon, beef patties, top round, or london broil. Sometimes center cut or butterfly chops or lamb. I keep the seasoning pretty simple for my stomach. I like the A1 bold and spicy. 

I keep a lot of frozen veggies. Broccoli, aparagus, corn, brussel sprouts, maybe yams... colors.

For the lettuce, I like the spring, spring with spinach, or the red lettuce. 

I don't eat much chips. Nutritionist. But when I do, I get the sea salt, the tortilla, or the pringles type. Now and then doritos.

Popcorn if I'm watching tv. sometimes pretzels.

For candy I like the toffee or chocolate. 

Sometimes I'll get the bell peppers. Colors. Onions and tomatoes and cucumbers. White mushrooms, but preferably the portabella or shitake. Not big on potatoes. Sometimes salsa. 

For beer, my favorite brand is probably Killian's. Blue moon, Coronas, or just about any amber beer. Sometimes I'll get wine. If I drink hard liquor, it's usually Rum. Some kind of mojito or margarita. 

I love berries. Jams. The bread, I almost always get the 16 grain, oatmeal, the one in the green wrapper, or just whole wheat. Fresh carrots are a great snack. 

I used to eat almond butter, but now I prefer the all natural peanut butter. Sometimes with honey.

My coffee I make the espresso with milk, frothed or unfrothed with stevia, maybe vanilla or cinnamon. Otherwise the tea or I have the pod machine that I put different american coffee. With the american coffee, I like the liquid creamer. All natural if possible, otherwise usually the vanilla ones.

If I get ice cream I prefer Blue Bell. I like Nutella. I used to drink a lot of fruit juice, but the nutritionist said just eat fruit. So I save my money for the actual fruit. 

Hydroonic lettuce is great when it's a good price. The boston lettuce.

The only canned stuff I get is the soups. Lentil, chicken rice, sometimes the tomaro ones, sometimes chili, other times I get anything with some beans. 

I always keep some lemon and lime. I keep my fruit bowl full. Mangos are great.

If I go out I like sweet tea with the fruit flavoring. My favorite sodas are ginger ale and diet dr pepper. I like cantalope. I like tortillas. Spinach or wheat. Olives are great. Black or kalamata. Sometimes different trail mixes. I spend most of my time in fruits and veggies. I like old spice products. Axe body spray. soap i mostly get irish spring. My back gets dry so I have a back brush and a back lotion applicator. Intence moisture lotion. Nails I just keep cut and feet dry. I usually keep foot powder. Sometimes i put on clear polish. My lips get dry a lot so I use the beeswax or non-medicated balm. I prefer a shallow bath to a shower. I don't standing a lot. My back hurts and my feet hurt. But if I need it I use cbd cream or different non medicated gels or creams. I like essential oils but I like the incense better. candles sometimes. I don't watch much tv or play console games these days. I write, read, play omputer games, fiddle with the guitar, or scribble. Don't do much with IT these days. I got too much already. monitors, screens, computers. I sit outside, Play with the cat. I like lemonade. I usually make my own. 

I've got some clutter to sort out. I'm trying to switch to hypoallergenic cleaners, dish soap, vinegar, baking soda, lemon juice, the natural stuff. If something smells, I have the odor neutralizing fabric softener. Cleaning fabrics like carpet or furniture with a mix of water, dish soap, and distilled white vinegar. I like my toothbrush. Dentist recommended it. Phillips ProSonic I think. Makes flossing less necessary. I used to use the fluoride mouthwash, but sometimes the alcohol gives me dry mouth or irritates me so I just use like a scope nonalcoholic. I don't get as much dry eye these days, because I do the eye breaks and avoiding bright light and the blue light control. Blink more.

Sinuses do better with the flonase. I open the blinds for the light, listen to the birds. I built this L desk I ordered. It was hard. had a million pieces. Looks nice though. My body doesn't do that well to do the elliptical these days do I walk a lot. around the house, up and down the stairs. Sometimes I listen to music on my surround sound. I just got apple music again. Reading is mostly articles. books are harder these days. I've been trying to use the hypoallergenic sheets as much possible. I like to stretch and meditate and yoga and just move my body every day. I want to keep the house a few degrees cooler and run the fan more. I have resistence equipment but my body's been tired. I don't pay much attention to my clothes, as long as they are clean. Need to get my hair cut and my extension filed. Throw out some old hygiene stuff. Donate some clothes. Donate some books and electronics or sell them. Wash my car. Go through old mail. Find a way to reduce unwanted calls and emails. touch up the furniture with the markers and stuff. Go through old papers and files. Mostly it's all the electronics people have given me or accumulated from my IT hobby. Change out some photos. 

I only play one computer game regularly. With ships. Sometimes I play a shooter or a city builder. I used to like RPGs, but I have trouble focusing on them now. Reading, writing, basic self-care, and the ship game are fall backs. The cat. I get annoyed with Paypal a lot. Synchrony BITES. Hate that company. Hate them. 

I still have HBO and the walmart paramount and samsung tv plus. I love my tv. Just seems to be the same stuff on all the time though. When I do watch, it's more documentaries and comedy these days. Sometimes a drama. 

I got a soccer ball but I think my nephew took it. I used to love tennis. 

Bipolar

 So in the hospital, I was talking about trauma memories. Symbols. Places. That kind of thing, And then they changed it to bipolar again, and I really don't think they actually believe that they just want me to stay away from certain people. Hence the boundaries. You don't fix this with medication. That's not how it works. I was not manic. You know this. I was dissociating. It was obvious. This is not bipolar. It never was. You know this. 

My family wants it to be bipolar, so it can be the meds, and it can be Gateway. Gateway's never going to take someone with a trauma disorder. That's not what they do. Just because you change a code. That doesn't make it true.

That's why clozaril doesn't work. 

But people are still gonna look for a place to put me, even if that place doesn't want me. A fake dx don't make the wheels turn. you knew it too.

You emphasized the boundaries. You hated the memories and symbols. Because this is not bipolar. You think Gateway's gonna believe this shit? You know they don't. They never will. I have too much history. These centers know me, just like you do.

It was never mania. They call it one of the most over diagnosed disorders for a reason. You are professionals. You know it was dissociation just like everyone else in this world.

You do not have these kinds of patterns and memories and symbols with Bipolar. It simply doesn't happen.

This doesn't go away with medication or with centers. Trauma patterns can actually be reinforced in centers. But you come up with a new idea every day to explain it. Therapy unlocks the memories and processes them and then the patterns can be extinguished. You got another expert to throw at it yet?

This is not bipolar. No matter how much I say it is or how many codes you change, that's not what it is. It'll just be code of the day. Nothing I said in there had anything to do with bipolar. Zero. Absolutely none. There is no bipolar. It doesn't exist for me. You know this. You just wanted me out because I was dissociating like crazy and you couldn't handle it.

No matter where you send me or who you put me with, it is a trauma disorder. It is symbols. Music. Memories. That never changes. So why the disorder of the day? I did say I didn't want to talk about DID. But you never liked that dx anyway. This is patterns, memories, triggers, and dissociation. You never denied that. A fake dx won't change the truth. The seroquel got me out of there. Thank you.

I'll try to dissociate less. As far as the journaling, just don't read it. You don't need to know. I process with journaling. Not with medication. You know this. My family will always try to get me to stop. Because they don't want me to remember the past. But medication doesn't make it go away. You know this. You said it before I even left. If I don't process, I'll just run around causing chaos. How does that help?

The dx's, the med train, it has to stop. The centers can't help with this. That's not what they do. A fake dx don't help them too. The best boundaries I have right now are to stay away from certain populations. If i'm around people on meds, that gets me thinking about meds.

How's anyone going to believe this horseshit? Don't pretend you don't know. It won't help Gateway. It won't help Phoenix. I'm taking the meds. I'm doing the self-care. Let's not play around. We'll just run each other into the ground. No matter how much I lie to please the same people you told me to stay away from, it won't help anyone. Not even me.

The truth hurts. But so do lies. Yeah, you'll scrub the paperwork. I understand. But don't pretend you didn't know this. 3 social workers? Multiple psychiatrists? Symbols? Memories? lack of presence? Multiple names? Responding based on previous patterns and memories? Ring a bell? Dissociation anyone? No one's programming me. You saw it all. The disjointed communication? Being lost in the past? Ring a bell? I don't blame you for wanting me out. But spreading this stuff around? not smart, people. How someone can interact with so many people in such cryptic communication and not respond well to medication can only mean so many things. Past associations. Triggers. Memories.

I'm not trying to control anyone. I'm trying to contain my problems. The memories, triggers, and patterns. I'd rather not spread it around. People want to talk, they talk. I get it. Just don't make me spread this around. I don't see how centers will contain this. I've been to more then a few. I need to avoid past patterns. Don't like reading this? Please don't read. It's not for people that don't want to read it. Use parental controls, blocking, whatever you need to do. Exercise your own choice not to read. What I don't say and what people don't read can't hurt them. Found anyone else to drag in yet? You'll find a new one by the hour. Maybe not thinking about this is the point, but I've to be mentally clear before I can think about anything. It will cause harm. You know this. Do I seem mentally clear to you? Do I seem like I can help anyone or be particularly useful right now? Playing my family against my counselor against this center or that center doesn't help, You know this. You didn't try. Good job. Now let the mentally fucked up person not spread this around.

I behave differently from hour to hour sometimes. You think I should be around people? Great Idea.

Look, it doesn't have to be something people have to deal with in this community. If you don't force this stuff out into the community, maybe everyone is better off? perhaps?

My behavior was so inconsistent, my medical symptoms diverse, my communication almost nonexistent, my capacity near zero, and you want me running around?

I don't see it. Maybe gateway or Phoenix will but I don't. A fake dx, some meds, and some manipulation won't change that. So whatever you really think, you managed the symptoms, you calmed the dissociation, you got me out. Scrub the papers the way it needs be. How you possibly believe that diagnosis after all this time and all the symptoms you clearly saw, I have no idea. I'm taking the meds. Let me try to use these skills, the knowledge you gave me about being careful with people and don't make me spread this around. I do not want to talk about mental illness with other people. It's not healthy. I just don't understand the dx merry go round and the jumping me from here to there. You managed the symptoms. The meds help. Dissociation doesn't clear up that fast. It always comes back. And there's about 30 years of records to verify that. I don't see how bipolar makes sense. But i'll take the meds. Let the rest go. You know the history. You still call it trauma. Don't make me spread this around.