Pillars of Trust

The echoes of the city, they slowly fade with time...
There beyond the meadows... locked within the vines...

Streams of sunlight bearing down

This place that once was mine.

Here the ancient pillars stand, holding up the wall...

Carved into the weathered stone... are records of my fall..

And faded is the mirror there

With an image one can't recall.

Papers cast upon the stone, beside a pool of water...

Letters written long ago... the pain that I begot her...

And even as it fades away

Yet again it stirs...

To remind me not to bring my sorrow

Back beyond that wall.

Looking up the footprints fall, across a field of mud...

Washing in... the memories play, of the times before the flood...

A bird, it picks at crumbs of what

Was shared in heart and blood.

Where the faded footprints pass, is a mystery in my mind...

As the voices call again, so stretches out the vine...

The clock it will not wind again...

Surrender this... to time.

Thought Boundaries

 Well, it's back to this. The one thing the professionals can all agree on. Boundaries.

I've started wearing earplugs almost 24/7. Even with them on, I hear more then I need to hear. Funny thing is, with tone of voice and other nonverbals, yo entiendo Espanol. More or less. Comprendo italiano. More or less. As far as the Hablo and the parlano, that's where I run into trouble. Funny thing is, sometimes I like hispanics more then Italians. Maybe I'll give up on English, Italian, and Spanish and learn... well, there's always binary. That's just a lot of 1s and 0s. 

I'm trying to keep my communications spaced out. Use fewer words. Now people are like, we want to "lay eyes on you". So I'm having people do that. If enough people do that, maybe everyone else can find something else to talk about and think about.

So back to the Self Care School of thought. My coursework has been extensive. I've passed all the hobby electives. I've got the three focuses: Processing, Mindfulness, and Boundaries. The third focus has been the hardest. The first is the most disorienting. Every time I pass a hurdle in the first focus, I bounce into the Mindfulness skills to manage dissociation, then I'm readjusting the boundaries. I guess I thought that it was mostly just the first two and that the boundaries stayed the same. But no. The boundaries need adjustment. They need maintenance. Like a good fence. The Processing is like a ground tremor, I get a little disoriented, I use the mindfulness skills to find myself, and then I use those skills and steady and sturdy boundaries to adjust my fencing. Cuz there's always somebody wanting to do it for me. The Professionals are the fence posts. They stand steady so the structure maintains its shape and purpose. I can't move the posts. I'm not that strong. I can adjust the lattice and the paint and post signs if needs be. The earplugs and the music from the calm app are the sound barriers. Glasses and face masks can serve as visual barriers. Clothing is a good visual barrier. Thought barriers include call screening and written communication. Occasionally it's the Hasta Luego. Drive throughs are my friends. 

People are like TMI, TMI... well, be careful what you ask. Sometimes a nod and a smile or a wave is all you need. Excessive curiosity, excessive need for detail? That's how problems begin. 

Sometimes it takes a while to get to the truth. The truth doesn't come in standardized sizes. Everyone's truth is slightly different. There's not enough labels in the world for that. Not enough meds. Helping someone arrive at the truth is a tremendous skill to have. Sometimes it takes time. No matter what your field. They have to want to find it, it has to be available from someone or somewhere, and they have to learn what to look for. It starts with little hints and signs and builds from there. They have to arrive at the truth for their problem at the right pace, with the right hints and signs both physically and emotionally. Everyday, the problems are different and everyday there's slight differences or sometimes big ones in the hints and signs you find. They are all over the world. From all the people and places and things and animals that the higher power or powers have placed here. Any wise person looks to multiple sources for their signs. That's where trust comes in. That's where experience comes in. Don't trust blindly, nor return to the same sources of trust blindly. I've rearranged my trust a bit. I thank God for that.

Reflections

Moving away, and then back towards
The magnetism, I can't avoid

You pull me in, I push away

You're back again, you're here to stay.

You've got your words, and I've got mine

We've said enough, we've had our time

Tell me what you want to hear...

Do you miss the old times we had together?

I've been walking in my mind.

Past the oceans of my thoughts...

finding respite from expectations that quickly rise and fall.

And as I pass the memories,

And there is joy within my soul once again.

Quietly I set my pace... away from the words that others place...

And though they come to judge again...

I let them say their peace.

Ignoring all the sneers.

For sneers and snarls are easy friends...

That does not make them right. 

They will never like my words,

They may not like my pace...

But in my time I do forgive...

Let them have their hate.

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Tax Trauma

It was a customer from out of state. She came in, I was the one available. I try not to be a counselor when doing taxes. It wasn't even a tax matter. Yet she wouldn't go away till she was heard. She needed a voice of reason. 

Whether someone had told her the wrong thing at a tax office, whether she had constructed it, or whether someone at the company responsible for the specific problem involved had misspoken, whether someone in her family or in the world had given her the wrong idea, or whether it was just bad policy, no one will ever know. 

Sometimes I want to help too much. And she was triggered out the wazoo. Bills to pay. Refund was stuck somewhere. I'm pretty sure most people in that office heard just about everything she had to say. Sometimes it's like that. You work the day shift, you take walk ins, you get problems from other places. Other people. Other companies sometimes. There was a specific policy and a different company and a different office in a different state. But she left knowing the truth: however this happened, she was stuck with the same option. At least I was able to do that. 

When everybody's got an opinion, I try to emphasize the simple truth. 

Funny thing is, she was a nurse. Yeah, she told me all about that too. Not that I asked.