Smoke Signals

Now and then I think of when we were together
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die
Told myself that you were right for me
But felt so lonely in your company
But that was love and it's an ache I still remember

You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness
Like resignation to the end, always the end
So when we found that we could not make sense
Well, you said that we would still be friends
But I'll admit that I was glad it was over

But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
No, you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over
But had me believing it was always something that I'd done
But I don't wanna live that way
Reading into every word you say
You said that you could let it go
And I wouldn't catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know

But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
No, you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

Somebody (I used to know)
Somebody (now you're just somebody that I used to know)
Somebody (I used to know)
Somebody (now you're just somebody that I used to know)
I used to know
That I used to know
I used to know
Somebody

The Halls of McClean

I spent roughly a year there, in two stints. Basically, two long halls with a kitchionette type area, individual rooms, a heavily armored screened in porch. An elevator with keys going up to staff floors.

And I walked the halls of McClean. Through the shadows and enduring the storms...

Then they snicker. Oh the poor shit. He makes up his demons and they lock him away. Oh poor us, we have to tolerate the little shit and his demons. WERE YOU OVER A YEAR BEHIND LOCKED DOORS!?!? DID YOU NOT SEE THE LIGHT OF DAY!?!? WHAT OF LAW CONVICTED ME BEFORE YOU LOCKED ME UP AND THREW AWAY THE KEY?????? WHAT CRIME DID I COMMIT????????????

And there was Clozaril... the ashes and the dust rose into shape... were moved to a halfway house... Ran to CVS... took a cocktail... back to the house... there was EMS, waiting. My absence had been reported. 

I'm the addict? YOU PUT ME ON MEDICATION, THEN YOU BLAME ME FOR BEING ON DRUGS? I'M SOCIETY'S PROBLEM????? AM I THE ONE WHO LOCKED ME AWAY?????????? YOU TOOK ME THERE ON A PLANE. DROPPED ME OFF LIKE A SUITCASE. NO LIGHT, NO TV, NO FRIENDS, NO NOTHIN. BLAME THE DID. IT'S DAMNED CONVIENENT. KICK IT AROUND. LAUGH IT UP.

By the time I reached Beth Israel Deaconess, I was in an altered state of consciousness...

Coma #2. Why did I wake up again? I'm back! Running around!

Woke up. Back to McClean. More Clozaril. Ashes and Dust is back. We're piled into a car, piled onto a cot or makeshift bed outside the nurses' station at Lost and Rigged, which tried to refuse me. Another year... A PhD and the drugs working their magic... Ashes and Dust reshaped. The Guardian Arose. No Diamonds just yet... The child came home... the origin remained.

You spend enough time in places like McClean... You get like this...

There are plenty of shadows in those hallways... There are echoes in those hallways... there's very little light, and it's artificial. There's social workers barricaded in offices on the upper floor... The MDs walk around like Gods... The attendants move you around... You want nightmares? Go to McClean. You'll find them. Metal doors with the small windows. Turn the key and you'll locked in all night.

Don't bother to scream. Won't make a difference.

They put him on TV, that God. He had a name. German. One or twice, he would take that key, turn it in the elevator door. turn a key for a particular floor, one of the staffing levels. I think there were only two floors above ground. It was the Mood Disorders and Psychotic Unit. YOU KNOW, THE NAZIs WERE GERMAN TOO. THEY HAD THESE PLACES. THEY CALLED THEM CAMPS. Only this German didn't carry a gun. He carried Harvard's drug trials. Clozaril was taken off the market, put back on. They said, people are dropping like flies in the Boston Area. Let's medicate. We'll call it Clozana. It's the legalized THC. DRUG THEM UP. SIDE EFFECTS MAY INCLUDE... so many things you'll eventually be dead anyways. How do you think my medical chart has the long list of physical ailments? This shit ain't kosher. It kills you. Why do I have the scars on my arms? IV. ECT. Clozaril blood tests. It can kill your immune system, and if it doesn't, you'll be dead from the other side effects eventually. Give it time. Diabetes, fatty liver, cholesterol, Immune system changes... This shit kills you. One day at a time. Only we get to make it in a factory. Too bad the patient expired...

SPREAD THE BLAME AROUND. YOU WEREN'T LOCKED UP. OVER A YEAR. THEN THE ECT TO MAKE YOU FORGET BEING A VEGETABLE IN A METAL GARDEN.

I went back there once. It made no sense. When I was at Riggs. I went back. Walked right up to that armored porch. Stood around. Walked away. 

I'm supposed to help people? Like this? Good luck. I am the walking dead. I rise up again. I walk around. I am the Ashes, I am the Dust. I take a shape. I have a name.

Occasionally, I can put this down. Just don't talk about the past. There's things I don't want to remember.

I like to live a quiet life. Sensory hypersensitivity. I can hear from different rooms, different floors. Outside, I can hear for miles it seems. I prefer to mind my own business. I've heard enough. 

Abandonment Fantasies

 Yesterday, I had another one. I was in the counseling office, working with Intern #1. There were people in the hallway. One of them sounded like Intern #2 that I had just met with the other day. I recognized tone of voice, I filled in details even as I was talking to Intern #1, and there I was on the encrypted app, telling my counselor that these people can't quit on me. I was wrong. There were only five other people in the building. Two professionals, Intern #1, two other people.

I had the earplugs in most of the time. Now I'm getting the noise cancelling ones. I gotta pick my realities carefully. When I'm on too much meds, I don't do that. I don't put myself in the right places when I'm on too much meds. I'm picking my places and people carefully. Earplugs... Need new glasses with the tinting and antiglare to control the light. Wear masks when I'm feeling cross, so people don't ask me questions.

I got my own problems. Leave them alone. Leave the professionals alone. Don't weaponize me. If you're over the age of 18, you have legal responsibilities. Keep them in mind. If you're not, talk to an adult when you have a problem or concern. If you follow, stay within the limits of the law. Don't follow too close. Find different outlets here and there. Give people space. Auditory. Visual. Tactile. Those are important boundaries. Don't you go haunting. We don't need more ghosts.

These professionals, they restructure your thoughts. They use careful wording, tone of voice... it's called suggestion. I've done hypnosis. That has risks. It went the wrong way a bit. You have sensory issues, you gotta be careful with public places. You get overwhelmed. That's why church doesn't do it for me. Too much stimulation. I get overwhelmed and I shut down. It's not a spiritual thing. Yes, I was raised Catholic. Yes, it is still a guiding framework for me. No, I can't go to church much. No, I'm not a Satan worshiper. Some very moral, religious people don't know many people. And they do great. I'm not saying I'm them. I'm saying it can be done.

Riggs was big on the psychoanalysis/psychodynamics. A lot of suggestion. That psychologist had a gentle touch. Said very little. Restructured my mind a bit. He missed some things, I think. Now I do the family/relations type stuff. They do the rest. 

Numbers

 Off again... here I go... round and round... for the show

1 2 3

1 2 3

4 5 6

Round to 8

Back to 2

Now to eight

... Where's 7? 7, come in please.

7, stand down.

Number one, drop the toys.

Blue Screen. Intermission.

Building up... Here comes 4, save the day, to the floor...

7's lifting weights again...

2's looking for a friend.

3's got stage fright... 5's picking fights.

Rising up, here again, we're a crowd, here to win

Should we call roll?

Take 5, 5.

Drop a number.

All together, like we can!

Raise a hand! Rise again!

Let's all say Grace. Is there a Grace here? No? Not yet.

Let's search for Endurance.

You want me back? Take a number.